Another Bump in the Road

Well, I had my second U/S with the RE this morning (cycle day 14) and it doesn't look like I responded well to the letrozole….my follicles only got to about 12mm and he said that he does not expect them to grow anymore this cycle. He gave me the option to up the dosage of letrozole and come back in a week to check on them. The downside to that is that if I do have some mature follicles (which he did not seem very hopeful for,) we wouldn't be able to do the IUI because it will be Christmas weekend and the office is closed.

So, we opted to start taking progesterone to cause AF to start and then start over in a few weeks with a higher dosage of letrozole. This seemed like the easier choice because I really want to do the IUI since I haven't been able to the last 2 cycles.

Needless to say, I AM disappointed that the cycle didn't work out, but I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I'm hoping the higher dosage of letrozole will give me some good follicles. I'm only going to try it one more time and then move on to injectables. So, it looks like I'll be having my next IUI sometime the week of January 10th…bummer that we have to wait longer. :-(

Just a quick update.....

I had an ultrasound with the RE yesterday morning. It was CD 12 and we weren't quite ready to do the trigger shot yet. My lining was 5mm, which is really a GREAT improvement from the cycles that I was on the clomid. On the cycles that I was on the clomid, by CD 13 my lining was only 2-3mm. So, having a 5mm lining on CD 12 is great news! We are hoping by Tuesday (tomorrow) my lining will be where it needs to be....above 6mm. I am staying positive. I had numerous follicles on both ovaries, they were between 11 and 14mm. The follicles should be above 18mm before we do the trigger shot, so again....we are hoping by tomorrow I will have a few 18 or above. If the lining and follicles look good tomorrow, I will trigger that night and then have my IUI on Thursday, the 17th. If the lining and/or follicles still aren't quite there, then the trigger will take place on Wednesday and IUI on Friday, the 18th (our 5 year wedding anniversary.)
I'll keep you posted on how the week goes!

Finished My First Letrozole Cycle

I finished taking the letrozole yesterday….no side effects like the clomid so that is good! The clomid always made me feel tired, emotional and headachy! I have an appointment on Sunday morning at 8am to check my lining and follicles. If all goes well, we should have our next IUI somewhere between Tuesday and Thursday!

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We need prayers that my lining is above 6mm and that I have a few mature follicles. If we have both of those things, then we can do the hCG trigger shot. There is still a lot that needs to fall into place before the IUI, but I am trying not to stress, but just go with the flow.

On a different note, we got our new dog this past weekend! We had to drive to Nebraska in a snow storm! He is a 1-2 year old Cane Corso (Italian Mastiff,) that we named, Cooper. He is really a great dog, very loving an affectionate. He still needs quite a bit of training, especially potty and crate training, but we are confident that he’ll get there!

Let the fun begin (again!)

Well, AF officially arrived yesterday, December 2nd. Longest cycle EVER…..38 days! I will start the Letrozole tomorrow and take it for 5 days. I will see my RE on December 13th for a follicle and lining check. If all goes well, we will have IUI #3 on December 15th or 16th.

I am slightly thankful that my cycle was long, because this means that AF will not arrive again until the 30th or 31st. If it was a normal cycle, AF would have been here on Christmas Day!

Please keep us in your prayers as we go into this cycle. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it sure would be nice to have a Christmas miracle!!

Ho Hum......

Well, AF is STILL not here yet. What in the world is going on? It is cycle day 36 for me today, I usually have a 31 to 32 day cycle. I was thinking that AF would have been here last Thursday or Friday. It was rather nice not to deal with AF over the holiday weekend, but now it is just getting annoying!

I’m starting to think this is either a really long cycle….this WAS my first month off of clomid after taking it for 5 months, so maybe my cycle is whacked from getting off the clomid OR this was an anovulatory cycle…..possible no ovulation this month, which I believe means no AF.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm thinking that I'll wait until tomorrow and see if AF gets here. If not, I'll have to call the RE. I hear that if you don't get AF on your own then they can give you a shot of something to get it going. What a pain!

I have the letrozole in my hot little hands and am ready to get the show on the road!!

The good news is that we are getting our dog this coming weekend! We adopted a 1-2 male cane corso (italian mastiff.) We're heading to Nebraska on Sunday to pick him up! Yay!!

I'm back in the game!!

Well, to say the least yesterday was quite the crappy day. With all the work crap…..including my boss babysitting me, people trying to make themselves look good by trying to make me look bad, and the piles of work I had to get done. Then, the President of the adoption agency where we are trying to adopt a dog from giving us a hard time for various reasons (we don't have large breed experience, we aren't home during the day, we don't have a high enough fence, etc.) It was the worst day I've had in a VERY long time! I was just beside myself last night.

But, the good news is that I saw the RE this morning and he said I am good to start treatment again. He said he did not see any large cysts on my ovaries. So, I picked up the letrozole from the pharmacy and am ready to get back in the game.

Now, I am just waiting for AF to get here, which should be Thursday or Friday. Then, I will start the letrozole on day 3. I will have my next ultrasound on day 12, which will check my lining (crossing fingers it is thick enough,) and my follicles (crossing fingers the letrozole gives me at least a few mature follicles.) We should get our next IUI around day 15 or 16. I'm thinking that will be sometime at the end of the 2nd week in December.

Thanks for your prayers! We are going to need it!!

Finishing up my "being benched" cycle

Well, it's been 2 weeks since my last update, so I guess I am not living up to my promise that I would update my blog once a week. But, there just hasn't been much to report. Once there is more to report, I do plan to update at least once a week again.

Since we have not been able to do any treatment this month, as I have mentioned, I've been trying to concentrate on other things. I think I have done a VERY good job with this. I've managed to dig myself out of my "infertility slump," which is a nice feeling. It gets hard not to feel desperate, disappointed, sad and angry when infertility is constantly on your mind month after month. It's been nice to just completely put it aside and concentrate on other things, something I haven't done in a long time.

We did have one minor set-back last week when hubby's best friend called him. I think I have mentioned that he and his wife are pregnant. After 5 years of trying and 4 IVFs, they are finally expecting. I am VERY happy for them....since I know first hand how it feels to not be able to conceive.

So, hubby's friend calls him up last week...I couldn't hear the conversation because hubby was upstairs, but I could definitely tell that they were talking about me. I find out later that hubby's friend was asking him if I've had the "thin lining" problem looked into. My hubby tells me that he told him that I only had the thin lining problem on clomid, and that since I am no longer on it, I shouldn't have the same problem. Then, the best friend goes on to tell hubby that he spoke to HIS fertility doc about us, and that the fertility doc said that he can't believe we are doing IUIs, because he thinks we should have just gone straight to IVF.

Now, you all know that I am all on-board with IVF. BUT, I just can't understand why an RE would recommend someone trying au-natural then going straight to IVF, which is extremely expensive, time consuming and mentally and physically exhausting. No one in their right mind would go straight to IVF unless there were severe reproductive problems that had already diagnosed, and there was absolutely no way the couple could get pregnant with IUI. That is not the case with us, as everything is fully functioning with both of us. I do realize that there is probably some communication failures going on here, from hubby to his best friend, to best friend to his doctor, from doctor to best friend, then best friend to hubby again, then back to me. There is a lot of communication problems that are bound to happen there! But still…..best friend got hubby all riled up, he started asking me a million questions about why we did this, what happened here, have we checked on this, etc. While I appreciate his involvement in this process, I also feel like he's gone through this entire process with me, and knows why we've made the decisions we have on different treatments, and what we've already had checked out.

I guess it annoyed me because I was oh so blissfully enjoying my "downtime" from infertility, I was enjoying my book and not thinking about all this when the call came. I just told hubby that my entire life would not be consumed with infertility, we've already made our decision on how to proceed next, and that at this time, I want my downtime. In addition to that, what makes best friend such an expert on all this? Now, I know that he means well, so don't get me wrong. But, he really acted like hubby and I had not done any research on our own, and that he knew what was best for us. Again, I appreciate that he was trying to be helpful, but he's pulled this kind of stuff in the past with us, acting like he knew what was best for hubby and I and our life.

Okay, that is all the venting for now. Day 22 in cycle! We are nearing the end. I no longer feel the cysts, so I am crossing fingers that they are gone! I am a bit worried because AF is supposed to arrive sometime around Thanksgiving. I am supposed to go in for a baseline ultrasound on the 1st or 2nd day of my cycle to make sure cysts are gone, then start letrozole on day 3. This could pose a problem since the office will be closed Thanksgiving, and we will be out of town Thanksgiving and the following 2 days. So, I need to call the RE office next Monday and see what I should do. I am hoping they'll get me in for an ultrasound on Tuesday or Wednesday, and just tell me to start the letrozole on CD 3….whenever that falls. Hopefully, they don't give me too much trouble. I'd hate to have to skip another month because of timing problems! It's always something!!

A Weekly Update

I made a commitment to update my blog at least once a week, so since it has been a week….I thought I'd post a quick update. There isn't much to report, as you all already know we are not able to receive any treatment this month due to the cysts on my left ovary. I am hoping the cysts will be gone by the time AF visits next and I have my baseline ultrasound, which will be around Thanksgiving. I am still feeling the cysts, so I know they are not completely gone, but I'm not in nearly as much pain as I have been over the past two months, so I think they are shrinking. I wish I could do something to help the healing process, but there isn't much I can do except…..wait.

I am still continuing with my "new leaf" to take better care of myself. I've been continuing to exercise. On Saturday I did an abs routine with hubby and then a routine called "booty time," which is supposed to get your butt and legs in shape! I was SO sore on Sunday, I could barely walk! I know it didn't help that I went to a Halloween party on Saturday night and stood around for 4 hours without sitting down! I took the day off on Sunday, but plan to get back to it today.

The good diet kinda went out the door this weekend, since there was Halloween candy everywhere! But, I am back on the wagon today, and am going to try not to eat anymore crap! I also went to the mall on Friday since I had the day off and bought some new clothes! It's funny because I've always been a lover of fashion and clothes, but over the past few years my desire to go to the mall has really diminished…. I think I've been to the mall a whole whopping 3 times in the past 2 years! But, it felt good to get some new clothes and update my wardrobe. I told my hubby that I think he should support the clothes buying since it is making me feel better about myself and also giving me the desire to want to continue getting in better shape!

We had another talk about IVF on the way to Costco yesterday. We still aren't on the same page with this. I can't exactly pinpoint what his problem is with it except that he says he doesn't want to go broke trying to conceive, and also doesn't want our lives to be consumed with infertility. I do respect that, but at the same time….I'm not giving up until I absolutely have to. I understand his feelings, but I told him I'd never be happy without kids, preferably OUR kids. I think he is understanding better where I am coming from. Later on, he said to me "don't worry baby, we are going to have 17 kids!" I am praying that we don't have to go the IVF route, because I know it will put a stress on the marriage. But, I know that I can't not try it if we exhaust all of our other options.

Well, that's all for now! It is CD 8 today, so I still have a lot of days left in the cycle! It's going to be a long next 20 or so days!

Something positive to focus on......

Well, AF came today just as I said she would. It wasn't a surprise, after finding out about the 2 cysts, on top of the thin lining, on top of not doing the IUI this month, I knew our chances were about 1 in 10 billion. I started spotting yesterday, so I knew today she would arrive. I was disappointed, just as I am every month. But, surprisingly not as disappointed as I usually am. I had prepared myself for this since....oh about CD 1. I just had a bad feeling about the cycle from the get-go.

I had my phone consultation with the RE this morning, we are officially "benched" this month, which also did not surprise me. I will go in for another u/s in about 4 weeks, right before my next AF visit to check on the cysts. If they are gone, then we can start treatment up again in December.

So, all around, it is pretty bad news. Had some good talks with the hubs this weekend. I realized that I am focusing on all this infertility stuff way too much, that I've been very negative, not taking care of myself as I should be, and because of all that...not feeling very good about myself. So, this brings me to the title of my post....I have decided that I am going to turn over a new leaf.

Since we cannot do any treatment this month, and have to take the month off completely....I am going to try my dardest to focus on other things...including the most important thing....taking care of myself! I even started exercising again this weekend. It was kinda fun....hubs and I did it together and it felt good...like we were bonding over the exercise. He is starting a new workout program, and even though I can't do the intensity of the workouts, I am going to do my best to keep up.

At this point, it doesn't look like I will be getting pregnant anytime soon, so I might as well take this time to concentrate on myself. Exercise, eating even better, maybe getting some new clothes, perhaps a new hair do? Luckily, my favorite time of the year is upon us, so that will help me focus on other things for the next couple of months. Also, it looks like we'll be adopting a dog here in the next few weeks, so that will definitely help keep my mind off things!!

So, even though the past 4 days have been pretty darn shitty....I am trying to find something positive in all the shit. I am young, healthy, have a great husband, a decent job, nice home, financially stable, good friends.....these are the things I am going to try and focus on.

Next plans....lay low for all of November....perhaps this is just what we need. Then start Letrozole in December. Continue moving forward......

2 Large Cysts

Well, just got back from my ultrasound appointment to check the pain in the left pelvic area…..not the best news I've ever had. Turns out that I have a 2 large cysts on my left ovary!! For the past TWO months I've had this pain, and I've been telling the RE that I think I have a cyst, and all this time….he is telling me that I don't have any cysts??? WTF!!!???

I called the RE's office as soon as I left my appointment to tell him the news. I spoke to the nurse and she could tell that I was very upset that the cysts weren't found by the RE. She made up some excuse like maybe the cysts are from this last time I ovulated, so I didn't have them when they did my last ultrasound right before my last ovulation. I said "but, I've had this horrid pain for almost 2 months! Not 2 weeks!" She then tells me that maybe the pain I've had for 2 months is not associated with the pain I am currently having with these cysts. Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh right!! The pain I've been having for 2 months IS from the same cysts that I have now, the same pain then and now! I wasn't going to argue with her, but I am not happy.

I have a phone appointment with the RE on Monday morning. I am 99.9% positive that we'll have to take next month off from treatment to try and shrink this cysts. Whatever….. I'd rather not keep going through the heartache, and the emotional, physical and financial burdens of treatment when I have huge cysts on my ovary!! Oh, and I'm pretty sure that the RE mistook two large cysts on my left ovary for two large "follicles." Awesome! So, we were trying to fertilize cysts this month! Super! Thank goodness we didn't go through with the IUI this month, or I'd be even more pissed! That is the only small blessing….that and the fact that I think the cysts of begun to shrink. I am not in nearly as much pain as I was when I was ovulating a few weeks ago.

As I've been saying, AF is expected on Monday, but I should start spotting and cramping pretty bad on Sunday. I am almost positive that I am not pregnant now, as I don't think there were any follicles to fertilize…just a bunch of cysts! Plus, I am starting to feel "PMSy."

On a different note, I called the other two insurance companies that are offered through hubby's work, and neither of them cover IVF....surprise surprise. So, we are going to stick with the insurance we have, try a few more cycles of medicated IUI's (we still want to try letrozole, and also the injectable menopur,) then start looking into IVF. I've already decided on the RE I want to go for IVF. He is probably the most expensive in the state, but hell....if I'm going to go through IVF, I'm going to the best!!!

What a day…..

CD 25- False Positive?

I can't believe that it is CD 25 already. 8 days since ovulation. This cycle has gone by both fast and slow. The first week went by so fast, I blinked and it was gone. Now, I am into the dreaded second week....augh!!!

Well, I had a doctor appointment this morning. It was not related to infertility or the flu that I've had the last week. I am still having that pain in my left pelvic area that I've been talking about, that I thought was a cyst, but wasn't. I started to get a bit concerned since I've had it for 6 weeks, so made an appointment, just to be on the safe side.

The doctor did an exam and thinks that I might have a strained abdominal muscle. Because of the location of the pain, there is really only muscle in that area. But, she wants me to get an ultrasound of the area to make sure nothing weird is going on. I also had some blood work done and a urinalysis, both came back fine, no infections or UTIs. Here's the funny part....she also ran a blood pregnancy test. Now, I kinda thought this might happen since they always seem to run that test when you are having abdominal problems and you are in child-bearing age. Well, the test came back positive!!

Now, before you get too excited, the test checks your hCG levels. My hCG levels are probably still a little high from the hCG trigger shot I had 11 days ago. Usually, the shot only stays in your system for 10 days. But, my "positive pregnancy test" was so low that it is possible that the test is just picking up small traces of the hCG trigger shot. Anything above a 5 is considered "pregnant" and mind was an 8...so not far above the cut-off point. So, though I wanted to be excited....there wasn't really a need to be. If AF is not here by Monday, I have been instructed to re-test.

AF is expected in 5 days now it seems. Not having many PMS symptoms like I usually do around this time. But, that might be because of the flu symptoms I've had lately....maybe they are just masking the AF symptoms. I was feeling a little crampy yesterday, but nothing like the usual crabbiness, cramps, and "menstrual" feeling I usually have by CD 25. In fact, now that I think about it....I usually get pretty menstrual by CD 22. Of course, I am not getting my hopes up. There was so much stacked against us this month.

I'll update again as the AF visit is closer.....

H1N1

Yep....you read that correctly. I officially caught....and kicked the H1N1 virus. I went to bed early on Wednesday night because I started feeling very tired. I woke up in the middle of the night with a lot of nausea, and just all over "not feeling good." When I woke up the next morning, the nausea was gone, so I just figured that I ate something the night before that my tummy did not agree with. I slept in a bit, since I did not sleep real well through the night. I got up, took a shower, and started getting ready for work. I got about half way done with my hair, and I could barely keep my eyes open or lift my arms. I immediately went and crawled back in bed....with my robe on and everything. Through the day I started to feel worse and worse. I got SO achy, I got a high fever, was really really tired, and felt like I had cob webs in my head.

That day was definitely the worse, I didn't get out of bed all day! I pretty much slept through the entire day. It basically felt like I had been run over by a truck! I woke up Friday morning still not feeling well, but not nearly as achy and my fever had gone down. I laid on the couch watching TV for most of the day.

Today is Saturday, and though my fever is gone, and the aches are mostly gone, I still have a nasty cough and still feel "run down." The flu is pretty mild in that it only lasts about 48 hours, the first day you have it, it feels like you've been run over by something! So, if you get the flu....don't panic, just rest, drink lots of fluids, and know that it doesn't last too long!

Interesting Dentist Appointment

So, I had a dentist appointment yesterday….it was "different" to say the least. I knew that my dentist and his wife were going through infertility (I have no idea how the subject came up, but it did one day a few years back.) He and his wife were getting close to 40, and even though the wife was not ready for children, as she neared 40, she decided she wanted children. They started TTC naturally….no luck. They went through all of the basic infertility treatments…..meds, IUI's, etc. They were not able to conceive. They finally decided to see an infertility specialist here in Colorado, and had a consult about IVF. The consult scared them (especially the wife,) and they weren't sure if they wanted to go through with it. A year passed, and the wife finally decided that she wanted to give it a try. Unfortunately, (and I just found this out yesterday,) they were not able to use her eggs, as there were some issues with them. They used donor eggs, and had their IVF in June 2008. They were so very fortunate, and were able to conceive on the first try! Their beautiful twin girls were born in March 2009.

My dentist stayed after my appointment speaking with me, through his lunch break. It was an interesting talk….usually it wouldn't be that "different" for me to talk about infertility with people. But, it was different since it was my dentist! I cried, as I usually do when the subject comes up, and he gave me a big hug and was so kind about it all. He basically told me that he believes that if you are not getting pregnant naturally (the old fashioned way,) then IUI's are basically useless and a money pit. Even though I've been suspecting this myself, it was interesting hearing it from him. We've wasted quite a bit of money on meds and IUI's over the past 6 months or so. As usual, I am questioning whether or not I want to finish out the rest of the year with IUI's before we switch insurances, and move to IVF next year. Part of me would rather finish out the year…..with a break from all of this infertility, and then start anew next year with a procedure that is over 60% effective. It's such a tough call, because there IS always that small chance we could conceive with meds and IUI, but is that small chance big enough to go through the emotional, physical and of course…financial hardship? I don't know.

I told hubby about the talk with the dentist, and he didn't say much. I think he was just taking it in, and trying to process it. IVF is not an easy decision and I'm certainly not taking it lightly. But, at the same time….it is something we seriously need to consider. Hubby and I are going to take some time on Friday afternoon to call around to a few insurance companies to see if any of them offer infertility treatment. Please keep your fingers crossed! My dentist told me that he spent $65,000 on trying to conceive. Of course, it is totally worth it now because they have two beautiful girls to show for it. He made a good point….what's the use in sitting on all your money, if there are no babies? Hubby and I could certainly still be happy, but I know we'd be even happier if there were babies. We have to at least give it a try!

Bad News

Well, the cycle this month didn't go exactly how we'd hoped. For some reason, I just didn't have a very good feeling about this cycle from the very beginning.

As I said on Thursday, we were supposed to go in for our IUI on Sunday (tomorrow) morning. Well, the RE's office called this morning at 7:20am to tell us that they just got my lab results from yesterday, and even though I am not having an LH surge, my progesterone levels have gone up considerably. So, the RE wanted to do the IUI TODAY! Which would have meant we would have had to produce the sperm right then and there, and be downtown at the lab by 8:30am. Hubby and I talked and decided not to do the IUI this month. For one reason....it's snowing and who knows how long it would have taken us to get downtown. Second, I'm just not comfortable with this cycle. My lining is way too thin, and I just haven't felt good about it from the get go. So, after much deliberation, we've decided not to do the IUI this month. It is not an easy decision for us, but this is what my intuition is telling me, and I always trust my intuition. If things aren't lining up, there is no reason to put ourselves through the emotional, physical and financial burdens of IUI. We are going to try the "old fashioned way," but I never put much hope in that since we've tried so many times before.

So, now we have our sights set on next month, which I think will be much better for us. I will start a different medication, Letrozole, so my lining should look much better since I will not be taking the clomid, so I think our chances of conceiving will be much better next month.

Thanks for all your prayers and positive thoughts this month. Wish I would have some good news......

Cycle Day 13 Update

Whew! It’s been a busy/stressful last couple of days. We had major training at work on a new system that was recently implemented. I swear, I was so tired by the time I got home, I could barely keep my eyes open! Glad the weekend is almost here, I need a break!

I had my B/W and U/S this morning. B/W looked good…no LH surge, still high on estrogen but that is to be expected during this time of the month, and also from the supplements I’ve been taking to try and thicken up my lining. A different RE did my U/S today (good thing I’m not shy about who sees my “lady goods,” geez louise!) I got both good and bad news. The good news is that I do NOT have any cysts! I could have sworn I had a cyst, but he thinks that my left ovary is just painful while it is producing follicles. I have two very large follicles on the left ovary, and multiple small ones, so that is why I am feeling so much pain! Ouch!! I guess that would be a good pain, but still…..ouch! So, that leads me into my other good news….I do have two large follies ready to go! I also had multiple small ones on the right ovary. The bad news is that my lining is still thin. He really thinks that the clomid is causing my lining to be thin, even with the estrogen supplements….it is still too thin. He said that even though I have plenty of estrogen in my blood stream, the clomid is taking up all of my estrogen receptors, so they cannot bind and do their job (oh the chemistry of it all!!) He does think we should follow through with the cycle and IUI this month, since the follicles are there. But, we are going to give it one more day in the hopes of my lining thickening up. I am praying and crossing my fingers that it miraculously thickens up! I’ll be getting the hCG trigger shot tomorrow evening, and then IUI on Sunday morning.

I spoke to him about what we should do if this cycle is a failure; he is recommending a drug called letrozole. I’ve heard both good and bad about this. The bad is that it tends not to give as many follicles as the clomid, but it shouldn’t cause my lining to be thin like the clomid does, so I wouldn’t have to do the estrogen supplements with it (not that that is helping anyway!) So, I think after this cycle we are going to try one or two cycles of letrozole before moving onto the menopur injectables.

So, I guess at this point it’s really just a waiting game. I’m not super optimistic about this cycle, but I also know that I need to follow through with it since the follicles are there, and there is that small chance that my lining will thicken up and the cycle will be successful. But, I still have my eye on future cycles with new drugs.

We still haven’t decided yet what we are going to do about our insurance. We are going to call two other insurance companies that hubby’s job offers benefits through and see if they cover IVF treatment. I wish there were two more months left in this year so we could do two rounds of letrozole and two rounds of menopur with our current insurance before we switch. If we switch, then I’d have to do a few menopur cycles with a new RE. Which I guess is fine, but it would set us back since they will require a lot of testing over again before moving onto the treatment. So, more waiting……

No Clomid Meltdown...

Well, it is officially my last day of the clomid....CD 9. I think I can safely say that I am not going to have a clomid meltdown like last month. I have one last dose to take, but I don't feel like any meltdowns are coming, so I think I am out of the woods. This cycle was a little easier then the last, I didn't have the headache everyday (only 1 the morning after I took my first dose,) I wasn't real emotional, I was still more tired then usual. But, I am thankful the end of the clomid cycle was on a weekend, so that I could get more sleep. That really seemed to help.

This coming Thursday, October 8th I will have my blood work and ultrasound to determine if we are ready for the hCG trigger shot, and IUI 36 hours later. I'm both excited and nervous for Thursday. I'm praying that I have enough follicles, that they are big enough and that my lining has thickened up. I have been having some pain in my left ovary. I think I have a reoccurring cyst there. I've had pain there on and off for about a year. I'm hoping that that doesn't mean my cycle will be canceled. I think if I have some large follicles on the right ovary, we'll be able to follow through with the cycle. But, I am not sure.

If this cycle doesn't take, I am leaning more towards taking the month of November off. I'd like to start on the injections, but want to make sure my body is ready....which means having a "normal" cycle with no meds, and hopefully getting rid of any cysts. A break may do hubby and I some good...the last few months have been difficult with all the ups and downs....a break may be just what we need.

We are pretty sure now that we are going to stick with the insurance we have for next year, and continue to try IUI's a few more times. At least for December and January. After that, we will consider IVF, but we realize now that Colorado health insurance companies do not cover any part of IVF, so there would be no purpose in switching insurance. Regardless, we are going to have to pay out of pocket for IVF if we have to go down that road.

I am hoping one of these cycles will work, so that we don't have to go to IVF, but I am prepared if we have to. I don't really have a great feeling about this month, because of the cyst I am pretty sure I have, and also because we've tried this exact same thing two other times, with no luck. I know there is always a small chance this will be our magical month, but I'm not sure that small chance is even big enough for me to hang any hope on.

Coping with Infertility

I found this and thought it might help others, I could definitely relate.....

Each individual experiences infertility in her or his own unique and valid way. While no one can predict one person's reaction to a diagnosis or treatment recommendation, many have similar reactions to this life-changing event.

Emotional/psychological experiences may include:

•feelings of loss of control are common and sometimes uncomfortable
•the emotional roller coaster of hope and despair, either with each treatment or on a monthly basis
•feelings of failure and low self-esteem are normal as are feeling of guilt, blame, shame and embarrassment
•the process erodes and consumes time and energy
•financial issues - loss of other dreams in exchange for treatment
•changes within your relationship - pull together or apart - infertility brings most couples closer together but changes in intimacy are often associated with treatment regimens
•impact on employment and performance at work
•feelings of injustice are reality based

Suggestions for coping more effectively:

•begin/continue treatment with an open mind and a positive attitude - never say never!
•realize that you must live and work in the fertile world, and manage your relationships with family members and friends
•develop a stress management program - simplify!
•Confide in select friends and family members
•periodically reexamine your options
•consider joining a support group
•grieve your losses - there are many for some people engage in individual or couples therapy if your infertility is secondary, try to renew your relationship with your child
•be gentle with yourself avoid uncomfortable social situations - holidays, baby showers, certain family gatherings be "out of town" buy gift certificates and mail them with your negative rsvp

It is important to maintain the perspective that treatment is a means to an end, and to realize that you are very likely to become a parent someday soon.

Infertility is like a broken bone. When it heals, it will be stronger than ever, but on rainy days, it hurts…….

The five stages of finding out you're not pregnant

If I don't laugh, I'll cry...so here ya go....

Similar to the five stages of death, when you find out you're not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.

Stage one: Denial
No, this can't be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I'll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don't have cramps this month and it doesn't "feel" like my period. I could still be pregnant.

Stage two: Anger
Well, I'm not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly's? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.

Stage three: Bargaining
Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms - please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles - please grow and multiple. I promise not to drink coffee tomorrow and I'll be the best mother ever. Doctor - please don't cancel my cycle, I'm okay with having 8 babies.

Stage four: Depression
WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what's the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand how awful it feels.

Stage five: Acceptance
Well. I guess it's really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I'm not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it's really my period.
Time to tell my spouse that I'm not pregnant.

Thanks to 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/

Where we are at......

After hubby and I met with the RE on Monday afternoon, we had a good talk Monday night. He asked if I was okay with doing one more round of clomid….I guess I am. We decided that if this does not work, then we'd be willing to do two rounds of the menopur (injectables that directly stimulate the ovaries to make follicles.) If and then that does not work, we are going to move onto in-vitro fertilization. The only downside to IVF (well, I guess there is more then one downside, but this is a big one) is that our current insurance does not offer IVF. So, we are going to have to figure out if there is any insurance through hubby's work that covers any portion of IVF (it is between $10,000 and $15,000 per cycle,) then quit our existing insurance at the end of the year, and get new insurance in 2010, which means a new RE too. I am okay with this, but I am hoping that if this cycle of clomid does not work, that we'll be able to go right into two cycles of menopur (November and December.) If clomid doesn't work this month, and I have cysts at the end of the cycle, we'd have to skip treatment in November altogether. Which would mean, we'd only get to do one round of menopur (December) before starting a new insurance and RE. Which might mean that we'd have to wait a cycle or two with new insurance before doing another round of menopur, and then starting IVF a few cycles after that.

It is all so confusing and I'm trying not to make too many plans in the future, but it also helps me feel better to know there is a plan that hubby and I are both on-board with. There is so much to think about and pray about. I mostly pray that this will be our miracle month, and that we won't have to move onto menopur or IVF, but I stopped getting my hopes up a long time ago, so now the only thing that makes me feel better is…. a plan. Knowing there are still more options gives me a little peace of mind.

I am on CD 5 now, which means I will start the Clomid today, and take it through Sunday. This is the worst part of the cycle for me, because I hate the side-effects of Clomid. It is bearable, but I am always thankful when it is over. I will also start the estrogen suppository fun tomorrow…we are starting right into the higher dosage and starting earlier in this cycle. Cross your fingers that it thickens up the lining! I will go in for my blood work and ultrasound next Thursday, October 8th. I will find out then how my lining looks, how many follicles I have and if they are large enough to stimulate ovulation. I will have my next IUI on either the 10th or the 11th.

Please keep us in your prayers.....for now, I need prayer that I do not have another "clomid meltdown" like last month.

Another Cycle of Clomid :-(

Well, hubby and I had our phone conference with our RE this afternoon…..not good news. After I spoke to the nurse on Saturday....day 1 of my cycle, I got VERY excited because she mentioned that we were probably ready to move onto injectables (menopur.) I've been researching menopur, and it looks like a lot of women have had a lot of success with it. I was really looking forward to moving onto the next treatment, as clomid and IUI has obviously not worked wonders for me.

Well, RE informed us that they usually like to do 6 rounds of clomid with at least 4 of them being with IUI's before moving onto menopur with IUI's. Plus, he said we are too late to start menopur this month…..dang! I guess you have to come in right when your cycle starts to check for any cysts on the ovaries. If there are no cysts, then you start the menopur on cycle day 3. So, since today is cycle day 3 for me….we are too late. I am VERY disappointed but there is nothing I can do. He also said if we want to start menopur next month, it might be a good idea to take this month off (of the clomid,) since cysts are a side-effect of clomid. They like to start the menopur after a month off of clomid, for less of a chance that there are cysts. I feel like I have the devil and the angel on my shoulder.

Devil: Just do another round of clomid, this could be your month!!! Don't take the month off! Plus, if you don't get pregnant....there is a chance you may not have any cysts and you'll be able to start the menopur next month.

Angel: Just take the month off, the clomid probably won't work, and you'll need to do the menopur, so you don't want to get your ovaries all cysted up, and then be disappointed when you can't start the menopur next month.

I know what the RIGHT decision probably is (take the month off,) but that is not the easy decision. After trying for so long, taking an entire month off seems almost unbearable. That would mean, that I wouldn't even have another chance of becoming pregnant again until mid-November. Could I stand it? Probably not. I'm going to have to the clomid again and chance it.

Well, wish me luck with my 5th round of clomid and 3rd IUI, which will probably end up the same as the others, but what's a girl to do?

AF is here....

Well, it's official.....I am NOT pregnant! I knew that AF would probably come today, since she came exactly 15 days after my IUI last month. I thought if she was coming, then I would have started spotting yesterday. I kinda got my hopes when when I didn't start spotting sometime during the day. I even went and bought a HPT on my way home from work and told my husband that we would take the test in the morning if AF hasn't arrive yet. I know he got excited too....all these months of waiting, would this possibly be the month it might have finally happened for us!?

Well, last night as I was straightening up the house, I started getting cramps really badly. Right before bed, I went to the bathroom and there was a tiny bit of blood on the toilet paper. My heart sank through the bottom of my feet. I just sat there for a few minutes, unable to move, trying not to cry, trying not to lose it. I didn't say anything to my husband, I just couldn't. More then my own pain, I HATE disappointing and hurting my husband.

Throughout the night, the cramps got worse, and when I woke up this morning....AF was here. My husband got up early to go to a conference, and I did not get up. I knew if I did, he'd ask if AF had come, if I was going to take the test, etc. I think maybe he knew not to ask since I did not get up. The first day of AF's visit is always the hardest....all of the hopeful feelings that you had during your 2WW are completely crushed, and you know that another month has passed you by, and that it will be another month before you have any chance of your dreams coming true.

I need to call my RE's office a little later today and ask what our next course of action is. I'm not even sure how many times they try IUI before sending you on your way. It's frustrating trying this month and month, throwing our money down the toilet, and coming up with nothing. I really am ready to move onto IVF, but I don't want to bring it up with my husband again, I need to wait for the right time. I just can't keep waiting and waiting and waiting, and doing these ineffective procedures.

PMS

Well, I am 12 DsPO/IUI. I am supposed to get a visit from AF either Thursday or Friday....so 2-3 more days. The wait is the WORST! I’ve been having very weird symptoms. I usually don’t get PMS symptoms until I am about 2 days from my AF visit, then I just get that “menstrual” feeling in my uterus, and then I start getting cramps the first day of AF’s visit. This month seems to be a bit different. I’ve been cramping on and off since 5-6 DsPO. They went away for a few days and then came back about 8-9 DsPO. About that time I also started feeling HORRIBLY moody, irritable and just plain menstrual and PMSy. I “lit into” my hubby for not having my coffee ready in the morning….something that is NOT characteristic of me at all!

I’ve also still been feeling much more sensitive to smells, and very hungry all the time. Even when I eat, I am hungry again....very strange. Everything else seems to be in-line with a visit from AF, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up. Like I said, I’ve been feeling very menstrual and PMSy for about a week, with the cramping and menstrual feeling getting more intense as the days go on. So, I’m sure I’ll get my monthly visit at the end of the week.

It’s all very confusing because I’ve been reading that PMS/AF symptoms are very similar to pregnancy symptoms, but I don’t know HOW similar. Are the symptoms just similar (i.e. cramping,) or do you feel the same way when you have PMS as when you are pregnant? I guess I won’t ever know until I am actually pregnant and know what that feels like.

The wait continues……Sigh......

Two Week Wait Sucks!!

Well, it is officially one week into my 2WW…..one week since my 2nd IUI. I am trying to still have hope, but it does get difficult at times. On 5 and 6 DsPO/IUI….which would be days 21 and 22 of my cycle, I felt some light cramps in my uterus. I thought for sure that meant that my period was right around the corner, but the cramps seem to have subsided. I’m not getting my hopes up because I am still having that “my period is right around the corner/Menstrual” feeling. That feeling that is hard to explain, perhaps a feeling of heaviness or a sensation in the uterus....that starts right before before your period does. Ugh!

Other then that, there hasn’t been much to report. I’ve been constipated for the last few days, which is not very exciting. I feel bloated because of it, and my pants are super tight and I feel very uncomfortable! I haven’t been feeling exactly nauseous, but certain smells have made me gag a few times this week. I never want to make more out of what I am feeling because I’ve been disappointed so many times in the past. Plus, with that “my period is right around the corner/Menstrual” feeling that I’ve been having, it makes me weary to get my hopes up.

It’s a strange feeling between that “I don’t want to get my hopes up because I’ve been disappointed so many times before,” and “It’ll never happen if I think it won’t, so I should always think it is going to happen each month.” How do you find the balance between the two? I’ve tried not to be obsessive like I was last month...googling every little thing and spending countless hours on the internet trying to decipher my symptoms, and comparing myself to another’s experiences. I know it’s not healthy, so I’ve been resisting the urge.

If you are reading this....please cross your fingers for me. AF should be here by the 25th. But, if she's coming, I will get heavy cramping by the 23rd, and spotting by the 24th. The only thing I can do is hope....

Hope

Well, yesterday was the big day…..the second IUI. Everything went very well yesterday, however leading up to yesterday....nothing went right!! I had to go get a second blood test on Tuesday morning to make sure I was not having an LH surge on my own. The blood test went fine, and I waited for one of the nurses at the RE’s office to give me a call with my results. The nurse called in the afternoon to inform me that I was not having an LH surge, and that I should do the hCG shot that evening, and then come in on Thursday morning for the IUI.

Well, that night started everything not going right. I mixed the hCG shot and then called my husband to give it to me. Well, we couldn’t remember how to get the solution from the little bottle into the syringe. We kept putting the needle in and taking it out of the little rubber stopper on the bottle. My husband FINALLY remembered that you had to turn the bottle upside down to get the solution in! So, we finally got the solution in the syringe and prepared for the shot. Well, I guess we had dulled the needle while trying to get the solution in and my husband couldn’t get the shot in my butt! He just kept poking me with it! Ouch! Plus, I don’t think he was using as much force as he should have been....probably afraid to hurt me, but he was only hurting me more by not just doing it! We decided to switch out needles, and then he was finally able to get it in. The shot seemed to go fine, but at the end he said that a bunch of blood came into the syringe. Great! What does THAT mean? I figured he must have it a blood vessel. I felt okay, so I tried not to worry about it.

The next day at work, I asked one of my co-workers who is a nurse about the blood in the syringe, and she said that my husband probably nicked a vessel at the end, but that it was okay. She also offered to do my shot next time (if there is a next time,) which I thought was very nice.

That night, while I was on my way home from work, I was thinking about the next morning. We had to be at the lab downtown by 7am, so I knew we’d have an early day. As I was pulling into my neighborhood, suddenly I remember something! The nurse had not given us a specimen cup to put the semen into the next morning! Oh my gosh, I thought....what am I going to do! My head started spinning. I quickly turned my car around and started heading to the nearest Kaiser office. I called the RE’s office and left a message. It was already 5:40, so I knew there would be no answer. I knew the Kaiser office was open until 6pm.....I had 20 minutes to get to the next town!!!! I don’t remember much about the drive over……I was in a hot frenzy!!! The traffic was terrible because it was still rush hour, and there was TONS of road construction going on! It was the worst 20 minutes of my life....my heart was racing, my mind was blurry, I was “this close” to slamming my car into the back of the cars in front of me that were going so damn slow!! I just kept thinking....does this mean the IUI is cancelled?! I can’t imagine going through all this just to have to cancel it? What are we going to do? I was a royal mess!!!

I finally pulled (okay screeched in on two wheels) into the Kaiser parking lot minutes before 6pm. I ran through the parking lot and through the lobby to the lab....luckily, the girl who had done my blood draw the morning before was at the desk. Thank goodness!!! She gave me the sterile cup and I was on my way…… I got a call from one of the nurse’s on my way home who told me that if that happens again, I could always use a clean glass jar. Errrrr, well THAT's very good to know!

The next morning, hubby and I were up at 5am. We got ready for the day, and at 6:15, we left the house....sperm in hand! What a trooper hubby is! We got to the lab by 6:50and waited around until 7:45 for the sperm to be processed. At 7:50 we were heading up to the RE’s office. The IUI happened at 8am sharp, and we were out of the office my 8:15! The IUI was MUCH easier this time. The catheter went it much easier...which I was thankful for!

I am thankful that the IUI was behind us. It was definitely a stressful couple of days!! I could feel that I was ovulating yesterday while I was work, so I was glad the timing was right. Two of my co-workers prayed with me in the afternoon...it was awesome!! I haven’t told a ton of people of what we are going through, but I have told a few co-workers since I see them everyday, and I know that they notice the ups and downs in my moods. I am thankful to have such awesome Christian women that I work with, that care about me, and want to pray for me. It is very touching, and helps more then they’ll ever know.

Hubby and I had to "Baby Dance" that night, and we cheered his sperm on! “Come on guys....find the egg!!!” Oh how I hope it will “take” this time. I am praying my little heart out!!!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Labor Day

Well, as the rest of the world was peacefully sleeping on this beautiful Labor Day, I myself was up at the butt crack of dawn. I was on the road, driving into my RE's office downtown by 7am. I had my blood drawn at 7:30 am to check to see if I as having an LH surge (I wasn't,) and then off to the office for some ultrasound (aka: "wanding") fun.

Unfortunately, it does not appear that we are ready for the hCG trigger shot today, so will not be getting our 2nd IUI on Wednesday morning, as I had hoped. I'm a LITTLE disappointed, but not too bad.

My RE said that he likes to see follicles at 20 millimeters before doing the hCG trigger shot. I had two follicles on the left side that were about 18 millimeters, and then several on the right side that were around 10 millimeters. Also, my uterus lining was still a little thin. He said he likes to see it at least 6 millimeters, and mine was only about 4 millimeters.

So, the plan now is to go back to the lab bright and early tomorrow morning, to check to see if I am having an LH surge. Then, my RE's office will call me with the results and let me know if we can do the hCG trigger shot tomorrow night. More then likely, that's what will happen. Then, we will go in for our IUI on Thursday morning.

So, even though everything has been put off for one day, I am okay with that. I want to make sure my follicles are big enough and my lining is thick enough before we jump into our next IUI. My RE also upped my dosage of the estrogen, to try and thicken up my lining. So, I thought I only had one more day of estrogen suppository fun, but it turns out, I'll have another week or so of it. Sigh....

I am trying to hold out hope that this will be our month. I'm feeling positive, but trying not to get my hopes up, as I have done so many times before.

So Many many things can go wrong!

I found this information today and thought it was interesting. I’m not sure if it gives me hope (knowing there a million things that could go wrong, so maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with me,) or makes me feel worse that there are so MANY things that have to fall perfectly in place before a pregnancy can even happen!

There are probably hundreds of "causes" of infertility. What this means is that there are a lot of things that have to happen perfectly in order to conceive and have a baby.
As an overly simplified example of the science involved:

The hormones that stimulate egg development must be made in the brain and pituitary and be released properly
The egg must be of sufficient quality and be chromosomally normal
The egg must develop to maturity
The brain must release a sufficient surge of the LH hormone to stimulate final maturation of the egg
The follicle (eggs develop in structures called follicles in the ovaries) must rupture and release the follicular fluid and the egg
The tube must "pick up" the egg
The sperm must survive their brief visit in the vagina, enter the cervical mucous, swim to the fallopian tube and "find" the egg
The sperm must be able to get through the cumulus cells around the egg and bind the shell (zona pellucida) of the egg
The sperm must undergo a biochemical reaction and release their DNA package (23 chromosomes) into the egg
The fertilized egg must be able to divide
The early embryo must continue to divide and develop normally
After 3 days, the tube should have transported the embryo down into the uterus
The embryo must continue to develop and expand into a blastocyst
The blastocyst must hatch out of its shell
The endometrial lining of the uterus must be properly developed and receptive
The hatched blastocyst must attach to the endometrial lining and "implant"
Many more miracles in early embryonic and fetal development must then follow...

A weak link anywhere in this chain will cause failure to conceive

AND that doesn't even take into account the process of "doing it" on the right day, and making sure the sperm is in the fallopian tube during those 12 hours of the egg being released!!

It's been a long and difficult 5 days.....

Today is my last day of taking the clomid....I am thankful for that. Since the RE has upped the dosage of my clomid, it has made me very irritable, fatigued, emotional and very headachy. I’m hoping after today, that I can feel like I am getting my feet on stable ground again. The last 5 days, everything feels so scary. Yesterday I spent some time looking at other women’s infertility blogs, I found on more then one occasion, that women were saying that IUI is basically useless and not helpful in the least bit.....doesn’t exactly give me the warm fuzzies…I’ll tell you that much. Are we just throwing our money, our time, our emotions into something that isn’t even going to work? I can’t help but wonder.

I started thinking that maybe we should consider IVF sooner rather then later. So, I brought up the possibility of IVF to hubby last night…well that just caused a huge fight with crying and other craziness. He doesn’t feel we are even ready to start discussing the possibility of IVF. But, I just keep thinking....how many failed IUI’s are we willing to have? How many disappointments? I see the statistics of each…less then 10% with IUI and as high as 60% with IVF. I want to just jump right into the IVF, knowing those statistics. I’m just not sure how many more failed cycles and disappointments I can handle.

After the "blow up," hubby called his best friend to tell him that I'd officially "lost it." I think he was just waiting for me to really lose it. I don't even care....I mean, aren't we infertiles allowed to lose it every once in awhile?

Slowly going....crazy

I heard one woman say that going through infertility treatments is like slowing going….crazy. It is true. I feel so many things all at once. The desperation creeps into my mind daily, and I try to push it down so that I can function. It’s hard not to look back on your life and not ask “What did I do in my life to deserve this?" "Am I a bad person?” “Why cannot I have what every other woman has?” “What can I do or change to make this happen?” That is one of the most difficult things of all of this…..realizing that you are helpless. There is NOTHING you can do. You are helpless to the science, the odds, the statistics and just plain luck, none of which seem to be all that positive right now.

I am on day 8 of my September cycle. I have one day left of clomid, and I just started up the oh so fun estrogen suppositories. How do I feel? Pretty emotional, moody, a little headachy but mostly tired. I am scheduled to have my blood and ovaries checked this coming Monday.....day 13, and hopefully my next IUI on Wednesday, day 15.

I know that I should be hopeful and positive, but I don’t feel that way at all. I feel angry, scared, broken and desperate. I know it is not good to feel this way, but I can't seem to shake myself out of this blah mood. When I think about spending time with friends, it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to have to put on a happy cheery face, and I just don’t want to deal with the questions. I want to be left alone to my self pity. I don’t want to hear about how many friends are pregnant, and I don’t want to see fun pictures of friends’ new babies. Will it ever happen for US?

The First 14 Months of my Journey…

I wish women going through this journey would have the insight to start a blog much earlier in the journey. Most of the time, it seems by the time we are at the stage of blogging, we are sad, depressed, anxious, beaten down and just plain tired of the process. If we started sooner, we could capture the excitement of initially starting down the path of making a baby. Oh, if I could go back and capture that excitement!

Hubby and I started trying to conceive in June of 2008. I had just turned 30 years old, and I was finally ready! I hadn’t been really ready until this point in my life. I felt like I owed myself that time in my 20’s to be carefree, a little selfish and have my freedom to come and go as a please. I had also wanted my first years of marriage to be just about my husband and me. We married at the end of 2004, and the first 3 ½ years were just about us!

In June of 2008, things really kicked into high gear for me. We weren't going to start trying until later that year, but for some reason...I felt like I was ready....maybe there was something inside of me telling me to start trying. I remember feeling very hopeful and excited about all that was waiting for us in our near future. Little did I know that this would be the point that my world would slowly start caving in and crumbling in around me. I hoped it would happen for us by the end of that year.

Hubby and I tried with no avail for the next 6 months. We couldn’t figure out what was wrong and why we weren’t getting pregnant. I looked up ovulation predictor calculators and calendars on every online website I could find, trying to figure out if hubby and I were “hitting the right day.” Each month we would try and time intercourse on the correct days….but not really knowing if we were even hitting on the right day. I bought some cheap “ovulation predictor strips” online and even started using those. I never did get a positive ovulation using those, and didn’t know if that meant I wasn’t ovulating or if the strips just didn’t work. I gave up on those pretty quick. This was a very tiring, stressful, and most of the time…not a fun time our lives. Hubby and I would get into fights, mostly because we just couldn’t figure out the timing, how much and how often we should be doing it. The spontaneity and romance of our sex life had been basically flushed down the toilet! He felt a lot of pressure from me to “perform” at the right time, and I know that if I did put pressure on him, it was out of frustration and just wanting it to happen and not understanding why it wasn’t.

I remember feeling my first tinge of desperation when AF arrived on Christmas Day of that year. I decided then and there that it was time to get serious about getting pregnant. I started charting my BMT and all the other fun chartings in December of 2008. For the next few cycles, I charted religiously....planning, calculating, planning, calculating. Result = Nothing!!

In April of 2009, after 10 long months of trying to conceive and continuing to get more and more frustrated, I made our first appointment to see the reproductive endocrinologist (RE.) It hadn’t been a year yet since trying, but I thought we’d given it enough time, and I was hoping for some kind of help from the RE. Was I ovulating, and if so....when, and when should we be having intercourse?

Everything went with the RE visit. He looked at my charts and said that it looked like I was probably ovulating. He recommended that I do the hysterosalpingogram test to make sure my fallopian tubes are open, get my hormones checked and that my hubby do the semen analysis. All tests came back completely normal, great sperm, hormones normal and open tubes! I was pretty pleased about that and felt hopeful. But, at the same time...I kept thinking....if nothing is wrong with either of us, why aren't we pregnant yet. I'm guessing that this is when I fell into the category of "unexplained infertility."

The RE recommended that we keep trying on our own for a few more months, since there was no reason to think we wouldn't conceive after a few more months of trying. I was not willing to go that route...I was ready for treatment. So, we agreed that we would try a low dosage of clomid for a few cycles and see how we do. In June of 2009 I started my first round of clomid. A friend gave me her old fertility monitor that was more sophisticated then the cheap strips I had been using. I got my first ever positive ovulation that month....not until day 18 which was very strange to me, since I thought I was ovulating sooner in my cycle. Hubby and I were very excited, and thought maybe this was our time! Maybe we’ll conceive exactly at the one year mark! Our hopes were crushed when AF started later that month.

In July, we tried again…..only this time I never did get a positive ovulation test. I got a “high fertility,” for 12 days straight, but never a “peak fertility” which you usually get when you are about to ovulate, when your LH rises. Hubby and I had no idea when we were supposed to “do it.” Did I ovulate, did we miss it, and do we keep trying? He was looking at me for answers….and I had none. I had a feeling this was a bust month for us, and set my sights on the following month.

When AF came at the end of July, my RE recommended that we bump up my dosage of clomid, and also do a “monitored cycle,” which basically means that you go in each day starting on cycle day 13 to have a blood test to see when you are about to ovulate, so that you can time intercourse correctly. I thought this would be a great route because we still couldn’t figure out if I was truly ovulating or not. I showed up at my RE’s office on a Sunday morning (the 13th day of my cycle just happen to fall on a weekend.) We had an ultrasound and my RE told me that I had a total of 8 mature follicles, 4 on each side. Yay! He also told me that my uterus lining looked VERY thin, which I was told is a side-effect of the clomid, so he prescribed estrogen pills that I had to take vaginally (yeah, not so fun) twice a day for a week, to attempt to thicken up the uterus.

The next thing came as a total shock to me….he wanted to know if I was ready to start IUI?! Wow, was I ready for this; was I ready to move onto the next treatment? I was having a hard time wrapping my head around what was being presented to me. I quickly called hubby and asked what he wanted to do, we had to make a very quick decision. We decided to go for it! That night hubby gave me a shot of HCG to induce ovulation.

On Tuesday morning, hubby and I showed up at the lab sperm in hand at 7am sharp! We waited an hour for them to process the sperm and then brought it up to our RE’s office. I’m not really sure how I was feeling at this point, I didn’t feel hopeful, I didn’t feel excited, I felt like I was just going through the motions. The insemination all went well. But, I won’t lie....it DID hurt quite a bit. The nurse told me that sometimes it does, and sometimes does not. It hurt! I was told to go home and then in two weeks, take a pregnancy test if AF wasn't here yet.

The two week wait was the worst! All I could do was think about if I was pregnant. I spent countless hours on the internet looking up pregnancy symptoms, trying to figure out if I was having any. Looking up the statistics of IUI on every fertility website I could possibly get my hands on. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

I felt the first cramps of that cycle about 5 days after the insemination, which would have been day 20 of the cycle. Too early for period cramps, but what? I thought maybe it was implementation cramping since I don't usually cramp that soon in my cycle, but tried not to get my hopes up. I went through the motions of the next two weeks.....enjoying not one second of the wait. On day 28, I really felt the cramps coming on and knew AF was near. Sure enough, on day 30....AF arrived!

It’s hard to explain how you feel at that moment. I remember telling myself “don’t lose it, don’t cry, don’t let this get this best of you, just hold your head up and focus on the next cycle.” But inside I was crushed, devastated and defeated. When I told hubby that AF was here, he said “why aren’t we pregnant?” Now, I know that he is just as frustrated as I am, but what kind of question is that? How the Hell am I supposed to know?! Don’t you think that if I had answers, we’d already have a baby by now?!

That is basically the first 14 months of my journey. I wonder......how much longer will this journey be?