I heard one woman say that going through infertility treatments is like slowing going….crazy. It is true. I feel so many things all at once. The desperation creeps into my mind daily, and I try to push it down so that I can function. It’s hard not to look back on your life and not ask “What did I do in my life to deserve this?" "Am I a bad person?” “Why cannot I have what every other woman has?” “What can I do or change to make this happen?” That is one of the most difficult things of all of this…..realizing that you are helpless. There is NOTHING you can do. You are helpless to the science, the odds, the statistics and just plain luck, none of which seem to be all that positive right now.
I am on day 8 of my September cycle. I have one day left of clomid, and I just started up the oh so fun estrogen suppositories. How do I feel? Pretty emotional, moody, a little headachy but mostly tired. I am scheduled to have my blood and ovaries checked this coming Monday.....day 13, and hopefully my next IUI on Wednesday, day 15.
I know that I should be hopeful and positive, but I don’t feel that way at all. I feel angry, scared, broken and desperate. I know it is not good to feel this way, but I can't seem to shake myself out of this blah mood. When I think about spending time with friends, it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to have to put on a happy cheery face, and I just don’t want to deal with the questions. I want to be left alone to my self pity. I don’t want to hear about how many friends are pregnant, and I don’t want to see fun pictures of friends’ new babies. Will it ever happen for US?
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