Well, it’s been a tough week buddies. I don’t think I have EVER been as emotional as I have been this week, in fact, I KNOW I have never been this emotional. Poor DH doesn’t know what to do with me, he keeps trying to cheer me up and tell me he loves me a hundred times, and I know I am just being a bitchy mess.
DH’s best friend came into town last night. He and his lovely wife went through 5 years of infertility, including 5 IVF transfers with the last one resulting in a beautiful son born 11 months ago. She did have an early miscarriage with #2 transfer. The “funny” part is that she found out 4 months ago that they were pregnant again….completely natural! Holy shit! I love these 2 and couldn’t be more happy for them. Anywho, I went out to dinner last night with DH and best friend and of course we talked a lot about IVF. I asked him if his wife ever took home pregnancy tests before her beta…he said no….and highly discouraged me from doing it. He says they aren’t reliable because of hcg triggers (booster in my case) which could cause false positive, and the fact that even if there is a pregnancy, I may not have enough hcg in my system yet for it to be picked up, which could cause a false negative. Either way, he says don’t do it. DH HIGHLY discouraged me from doing it too. I think the hcg from the booster would probably be out of my system by now, but I still don’t know if I’ll test or not. I’m too chicken shit.
Plus, I am starting to feel very pessimistic about this cycle. Not to get any of you down….but I’ll always say how I am feeling, so here it is. I haven’t had any more cramping since Monday night when I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible cramping. However, starting yesterday I started feeling very “periody,” I can’t explain it because I can’t simply say “I have cramping,” because that’s not the case. It’s more of a heavy feeling in my uterus that I get right before AF arrives. Some have described it as a "flowy" feeling, right before you start flowing.
I had a bit of a break-down this morning while I was getting ready for work, and DH and best friend were getting ready to go on their mountain bike trip for the weekend. I told DH that I felt like my period was going to start, and then of course I started crying. I just kept saying “I want this so bad, and I don’t want to let you down.” He tried to comfort me…but what’s the poor guy supposed to do? Anyway, best friend caught wind of my break-down and the fact that I felt like AF was arriving. He then tried to comfort me by telling me that his wife (I don’t know why I am calling her “his wife,” her name is Keli) felt the exact same way (very periody) both when her transfers worked and when they did not. So, of course I am trying not to automatically think this didn’t work because of the way I am feeling, but at the same time…how can I not?! I know what my body feels like when my period is trying to come. I just don't have a good feeling. Of course I hope I am wrong and I am trying not to completely throw in the towel already, but my hope is fading. I am already starting to mourn and work through my feelings of another failed cycle. But, at the same time reminding myself that we still have other options (5 more frozen embryos and 2 more fresh cycles that we’ve already paid for,) which does give me a bit of peace.
As some of you remember, I was a little concerned about my weight, so I decided to make a real effort to put on 5 pounds before my transfer. Well, this goal was a success. I usually hover right around 104/105 pounds, and was able to get up to 110 pounds. I was proud of myself for meeting this goal, and I know it is a good thing. HOWEVER (you knew this was coming,) I can’t fit into ANY of my clothes anymore. I didn’t take this into consideration before, or maybe I did and just figured I could start buying stretchy pants because I’d be pregnant anyway! Well, part of my break-down this morning was because not one pair of my pants fits properly anymore. Some I can’t even button, some I can button but are super tight and uncomfortable. So, I’m freaking out to DH about this too. He tries his best…poor guy, so he says....why don’t you go buy a few new pairs of jeans and work pants this weekend? I really didn’t want to have to do this because I thought it would be pointless to go buy new clothes with a pregnancy on the horizon. But, now I think I will go do it this weekend. Whether there is a pregnancy or not, I know I can’t keep trying to squeeze my ass into tiny pants. So, I have an entire closet full of beautiful jeans and work pants and not one pair fits, in fact the pair I wore to work yesterday I couldn’t even button, so I just used a safety pin to keep them closed, but each time I’d bend over…it would pop open! There’s nothing like an extra 5 pounds, plus severe PMS bloating to make a girl feel good about herself!
Well, I could go on forever about how I am feeling right now “I can’t believe this didn’t work, how could it not work, our embryos looked great, there must be something wrong with me, what’s wrong with me!!!” but I will spare you all that for now…it’ll come later, if necessary.
DH’s best friend came into town last night. He and his lovely wife went through 5 years of infertility, including 5 IVF transfers with the last one resulting in a beautiful son born 11 months ago. She did have an early miscarriage with #2 transfer. The “funny” part is that she found out 4 months ago that they were pregnant again….completely natural! Holy shit! I love these 2 and couldn’t be more happy for them. Anywho, I went out to dinner last night with DH and best friend and of course we talked a lot about IVF. I asked him if his wife ever took home pregnancy tests before her beta…he said no….and highly discouraged me from doing it. He says they aren’t reliable because of hcg triggers (booster in my case) which could cause false positive, and the fact that even if there is a pregnancy, I may not have enough hcg in my system yet for it to be picked up, which could cause a false negative. Either way, he says don’t do it. DH HIGHLY discouraged me from doing it too. I think the hcg from the booster would probably be out of my system by now, but I still don’t know if I’ll test or not. I’m too chicken shit.
Plus, I am starting to feel very pessimistic about this cycle. Not to get any of you down….but I’ll always say how I am feeling, so here it is. I haven’t had any more cramping since Monday night when I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible cramping. However, starting yesterday I started feeling very “periody,” I can’t explain it because I can’t simply say “I have cramping,” because that’s not the case. It’s more of a heavy feeling in my uterus that I get right before AF arrives. Some have described it as a "flowy" feeling, right before you start flowing.
I had a bit of a break-down this morning while I was getting ready for work, and DH and best friend were getting ready to go on their mountain bike trip for the weekend. I told DH that I felt like my period was going to start, and then of course I started crying. I just kept saying “I want this so bad, and I don’t want to let you down.” He tried to comfort me…but what’s the poor guy supposed to do? Anyway, best friend caught wind of my break-down and the fact that I felt like AF was arriving. He then tried to comfort me by telling me that his wife (I don’t know why I am calling her “his wife,” her name is Keli) felt the exact same way (very periody) both when her transfers worked and when they did not. So, of course I am trying not to automatically think this didn’t work because of the way I am feeling, but at the same time…how can I not?! I know what my body feels like when my period is trying to come. I just don't have a good feeling. Of course I hope I am wrong and I am trying not to completely throw in the towel already, but my hope is fading. I am already starting to mourn and work through my feelings of another failed cycle. But, at the same time reminding myself that we still have other options (5 more frozen embryos and 2 more fresh cycles that we’ve already paid for,) which does give me a bit of peace.
As some of you remember, I was a little concerned about my weight, so I decided to make a real effort to put on 5 pounds before my transfer. Well, this goal was a success. I usually hover right around 104/105 pounds, and was able to get up to 110 pounds. I was proud of myself for meeting this goal, and I know it is a good thing. HOWEVER (you knew this was coming,) I can’t fit into ANY of my clothes anymore. I didn’t take this into consideration before, or maybe I did and just figured I could start buying stretchy pants because I’d be pregnant anyway! Well, part of my break-down this morning was because not one pair of my pants fits properly anymore. Some I can’t even button, some I can button but are super tight and uncomfortable. So, I’m freaking out to DH about this too. He tries his best…poor guy, so he says....why don’t you go buy a few new pairs of jeans and work pants this weekend? I really didn’t want to have to do this because I thought it would be pointless to go buy new clothes with a pregnancy on the horizon. But, now I think I will go do it this weekend. Whether there is a pregnancy or not, I know I can’t keep trying to squeeze my ass into tiny pants. So, I have an entire closet full of beautiful jeans and work pants and not one pair fits, in fact the pair I wore to work yesterday I couldn’t even button, so I just used a safety pin to keep them closed, but each time I’d bend over…it would pop open! There’s nothing like an extra 5 pounds, plus severe PMS bloating to make a girl feel good about herself!
Well, I could go on forever about how I am feeling right now “I can’t believe this didn’t work, how could it not work, our embryos looked great, there must be something wrong with me, what’s wrong with me!!!” but I will spare you all that for now…it’ll come later, if necessary.
26 comments:
Girl as hard as it is, stay positive!! Remember, you are not out until that beta is negative. I felt very bloated and had on and off cramping with my cycle. Other than that, I felt like a normal period was coming. When is your beta by the way?
The wait is such an emtional time. The 2ww after all of my transfers were very different, although the outcome was always a BFN. The first time I fekt pretty normal(ish) and then AF turned up. The second time I had loads of cramps and AF turned up. The third time I felt PG, I had slight morning sickness, food adversions etc and AF turned up.
What I am trying to say is that do not read too deeply into your signs, you never know. All of the drugs really screw with your body, mind and emotions!! I really hope you get your BFP!
x
Don't lose hope!!! I had always read about women saying they felt like their period was going to start and then they got their BFP. Well, that happened to me!!! I seriously felt like AF was going to show, but I ended up being pregnant. Seriously, don't lose hope. PMS and pregnant symtpoms are SO ALIKE. I'm 8 weeks now and my cramping feels like my period is gonna start, which is OBVIOUSLY not the case. :)
I know you are probably inconsolable right now because your hormones are jerking you around like a marrionette..but in all seriousness, the feeling you are describing does not sound like a reason to think this didn't work.
I distinctly remember feeling crampy and feeling that heavy oh lord here comes the flow feeling before i realized i was pregnant. I'd actually gone out and got pads. The heaviness is in al likelihood caused by the amount of lining amassed and under NORMAL circumstances about to be shed. But in YOUR case, meaning when there's a babe in there cooking, that lining isn't shed, but it's still building...and you are suplementing the normal lining build up with estrace! So how much more pronounced will that heavy feeling be.
Take a few minutes to yourself. Do some relaxing breathing. Listen to some of your favorite encouraging songs and find your peace.
Aghhhhh the awful 2ww...makes a woman crazy. But remember your embryos were perfect and your doctor said he wouldn't be surprised if it was twins!!! Praying for a peaceful nights rest and for your BFP. With God miracles DO happen!!!
Oh hunny, dont think so much into every symptom. It will drive you crazy. I did feel like I was going to start and I would never start on both of my IVF and I got a BFP both times. This time I had horrible cramping, just knew there was no doubt about it. Two our suprise the cramping was because we had two babies that was making my uterus stretch. Stay optimistic and positive. Think of your uterus as a rain forest, it needs peaceful and positive vibes to make the trees grow :)
Hang in there! Sending you T&Ps! Cramping can be a GOOD thing! And bloating too!!
Thinking of you hun.... all the hormones and emotion of each cycle make it soooo hard. Sending you plenty of wishes and love... there's is still hope - I've heard plenty of others go onto a BFP with the symptoms you describe but either way, you are a very special person and you've done everything you can for your future children. This roller-coaster is just so unfair and brings out the worst doubts about ourselves but you will be a great mother and your love for your future kids will get you through. Love to you always xoxo
Keep your hopes up! I know it's hard to do and there's a certain appeal in starting the mourning process now in case it's a BFN. It's hard to hang onto hope when you're feeling "periody". But it was like that for me, too, before all six of my BFPs!! I was SURE my last cycle didn't work - right up until beta day. You'd think that after being pregnant FIVE TIMES before that I would have KNOWN I was pregnant again. How could I miss any of the "signs"? But I didn't know, and neither do you. I'm still holding out hope for you!!
Hang in there hon - praying for a BFP post from you next! Like others have said - PMS and BFP signs are so similar! You're not out yet.
Ok, first of all, your friend. Amazing, inspiring. Love her story!
And you my dear, when is that beta? I am proud of you for not testing but as a non-tester (for the most part) I break down during the 2w ivf wait. It is so difficult to know because you haven't been knocked up before. I got my money on the positive for you! Hugs!
Almost to beta!!! Wow... I can only stand in awe that you made it to here without testing! I know I'm going to be POASing up a storm fairly soon here. I'm still hopeful for you... we're right behind you cheering you on!
I hate how the pessimism creeps in at this point. Its so hard to live with. It makes it feel very suffocating. I'm too chicken shit to test too, so I don't, but then my mind plays tricks on it self. I'm 99% sure my cylce didn't work, but I still won't test. I'm hoping the heavy uterus feel is a good sign. I've heard that a lot before. I've never had it... and I've never had a BFP... so hoping that this is it for you. I thought your beta was today, but I must have been wrong. Don't beat yourself upu about break-downs. They are common, normal and neessary. Hope your niht is going ok.
I am so impressed that you have held off on the urge of POASing!!!
Can't wait until your BT..I am hoping and praying that it brings super great news!! xx
Hang in there!! *hugs*
Sorry you're feeling pessimistic, but don't give up hope yet! I'll be thinking about you and hoping for you!
Its sooo close to the finish line. Hold your head high, its been a long marathon and you need to push yourself across the line. We will hold you up and carry you across the line if you need us to. Its normal to think the worst. I really hope and pray that you will be shockingly surprised by the outcome.. and by the victory dance in rehearsal..!
Hang in there babe!!! When's your beta??
Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....
Get the paper bag back out and inhale/exhale deep. Then put your head between your knees and breathe deep. :)
While your down there just go ahead and smile at the kid(s). I thought we agreed that we're going to worry about the "crash" later - for now we just need to smile and be positive about all the possiblities. Because you, my dear, still have plenty of possiblities.
:)
Krista, thanks for the comment on my OHSS post. However... IF any of my immature eggs even fertilize, they will likely not make it to freeze. But I understand you saying to wait. Just that waiting for me probably means no chance in hell. We will find out this morning if we have ANY embryos at all
And no matter what happens with me just know I'm praying hard for you! Hang I'm there lady!
How very strong you are to keep from testing at home! That is amazing! I am thinking about you for your beta today! It's today right? I remember you were a day behind me. Praying for you!!!
I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now.
Don't give up hope, pregnancy and periods have the same symptms.
Thinking of you.
Oh Krista, the waiting can be so difficult. I wish I had some advice to offer you. The only thing that really helped me was the circle bloom audios. I was able to replace some of the negative thoughts with positive ones, which at least kept me from freaking out. This is a really challenging journey that we are all on, and you are doing a fantastic job of navigating it. sending you some love and peace.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. The 2ww sucks!
A couple things...I know I said this before but I felt so "period-y" right before my positive beta this past time. So it doesn't mean it didn't work! Also, I had the same experience not fitting into any of my pants during the 2ww (I gained about 10 lbs from the IVF drugs)...I went to the mall and bought a couple cheap pair at American Eagle (I'm usually addicted to the $200 designer ones) and that made me feel sooooo much better. You don't need the yukky-ness of not being comfortable in your clothes right now.
And finally, unsolicited advice...but I've done it both ways as far as the home pregnancy test and got false negatives even when I was pregnant and that was DEVASTATING. For some women I think the home tests are the right thing, but for me, I don't think I'll ever do it again.
Wishing you some peace over the weekend. And I so have my fingers crossed for you...I want this to work for you so much!
xo
Thinking of you... the waiting drives you crazy doesn't it.. But there is still hope! xx
I can also say I felt like AF would arrive at any minute. You must be so close to the first beta... can't wait for an update! I hope we are soon celebrating with you!
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