Friendship and Infertility

I see this topic come up a lot in the infertile blogosphere. Friendships being hurt or damaged due to infertility. A friend says the wrong thing, or a friend isn't there when the goin get tough, or a friend unintentionally hurts feelings, or a friend leaves someone in the dark intentionally because they don't want to hurt them. Infertility is not easy on anyone....on marriages, on relationships, on friends, etc.  Friends feel like they don't know what to say, they are scared to say the wrong thing, they are scared to further hurt the infertile, so they end up saying nothing at all, or accidentally say the wrong thing in an attempt to be helpful. At times, they don't want to share that they are pregnant, they don't want to share their child joys because they are afraid to hurt the infertile.  I get it....

I think the most difficult thing to an infertile when it comes to friendships is that we are going through THE MOST difficult thing that we will probably ever be faced with in our life. Of course, it is always human nature to want to lean on friends when we are going through something difficult. THIS is the time we need friendships the most. But, sometimes friendships hurt us. Because if you've never gone through infertility, you have no idea what it feels like, therefore you have no idea how to be a friend to someone going through infertility. Do you tell them you or pregnant, or not? Do you offer advice? Do you ask questions about their future plans? Or do you just say nothing because you are too afraid to make things worse? What DO you do?  We get it...it isn't easy on you either, and we realize you aren't intentionally trying to hurt us.

I'd like to share a story of a friend who has TRULY been there for me through this journey that I hope will help those who know someone who is going through infertility. This friend deserves a kudos in my book!

Brynn has been doing my hair (cut and color) for about 3 years now. So, every 8 weeks I see her. From the get-go Brynn has known ALL about my fertility troubles. Every time I see her she politely asks where we are with our treatment.  She has always taken an interest in what treatment we are doing and how I feel about the treatment, always listening but never judging. She has NEVER brought up adoption with me, she has never said weird things like “just relax and it’ll happen."  She has just been there….100% supportive, asking me questions about different treatments we were trying (IUI, acupuncture, IVF, etc.) I've always enjoyed answering her questions because I feel like she genuinely cares and is not just being nosey, and that she genuinely KNOWS that one of these treatments is going to work for us.

At one of our appointments, Brynn told me that she was pregnant. Now, you would have thought my first response would be a negative one…but it wasn’t. I was elated for her. Hearing people’s pregnancy announcements has always been a “good” thing to me. I’ve never gotten upset over a announcement. Though, of course it is always a reminder of what I don’t have but would like to have (which is of course, difficult,) but it’s never been a source of pain for me. Plus, Brynn didn’t make it into a big deal that she was pregnant and I was undergoing fertility treatments, it was just the situation. It wasn’t weird at all. I watched her tummy grow, and got to experience everything with her…finding out it was a girl, finding out the name, how she was feeling physically each step of the way, etc.

After Brynn gave birth to her baby girl last May, she decided to leave the salon. I was pretty heartbroken because she and I had become friends over the previous 2 years and I really enjoyed talking with her at each visit. She referred me to another gal at the salon who did my hair the following time. Then, a few weeks later I got a message from Brynn over Facebook….she was doing a few people’s hair on the side for extra $ and wanted to know if I'd be interested!? Well….OF COURSE I was!!! Since then, Brynn has come to my house to do my hair.

Over the past year, Brynn has always had her baby with her when she comes over. But, she has never made a big deal over it, which I LOVE! Every time she comes over she brings that baby over and plunks her right down in my lap while she does my hair, never thinking twice about it. SHE TREATS ME LIKE A NORMAL PERSON....not an infertile! While everyone else is tiptoeing around me with their pregnancies and babies….she never does, she never treats me like I am going to break at any second. I like that. I don’t want to be treated like I can’t handle an everyday occurrence.

Her baby’s first birthday is coming up and she even invited me to her birthday party. I was ecstatic!! Even friend friends (you know, the ones who are actually friends, not just my hairdresser) never invite me to their kid’s birthday parties!! I'd like to be the one to decide what I can and cannot handle. If I can't handle something....I will politely say no....no big deal!

Anyway, I just HAD to give a shout out to Brynn for everything! Not only for the lovely hair-dos, but for the support, for always saying the right thing, and never saying the wrong thing, for making me feel like I was a strong woman and not someone so delicate that I’d break at the littlest thing, for caring, for understanding and for rooting for me 100% with her whole heart....I believe in my heart that she wants this for us as much as we want it.

Friends, what we need from you is to not shield us from your good news....that will only hurt us more in the long run, let us decide what we can handle. Just be gentle with your good news. Then just listen....listen without bias, and don't be judgmental, just care, don't try and fix our problems, be okay with what we are comfortable telling you....sometimes it is difficult for us to air our entire dirty laundry...but we'll tell you what we can. Just listen and let us know you care. Every infertile feels slightly differently, so if you aren't sure....just ask! We need you now more than ever.