For some reason I have started feeling very anxious about the transfer coming up in a little over two weeks. I think the build-up to it has been so long that I’ve had TOO much time to think about it. In January, everything happened so quickly that I really didn’t have time to process everything, then when we found out the transfer wasn’t happening, the pressure was off that “this really has to work.” Now, that we are so close to the transfer, I just keep thinking “this has to work, I don’t know if I could handle it not working.” In my heart, I think I know that it will….but I’m not sure if I can trust my heart, because my mind keeps saying “this may not work.…can you be okay with that?”
I think I’ve started to feel a little extra pressure because so many of my best friends are pregnant right now, and part of me feels left out. My cousin made her announcement on facebook that she was pregnant, and everyone is so happy for her (I am too…what a cool thing to get pregnant with the help of a donor in your early 40’s.) I went to lunch with another really good friend yesterday and she told me she was 8 weeks pregnant. They just got married in July and she had told me that were going to start trying right away, so I definitely knew it was coming, she really wants to be pregnant “together,” so I feel the pressure. My best friend is due with #3 in June, another best friend is due with #1 in just about 2 weeks, another best friend is due with #4 in July, another best friend (one of the showers I am going to this weekend) is due with #1 in June. I feel like I have very few friends who aren’t pregnant right now. And, it’s not that I want to get pregnant “because everyone else is.” It’s more that I have been at this for so long (nearly 3 years,) and I feel like it should be my time. I want a family too!
I am trying to concentrate on counting my blessings right now to ease the anxiety. I feel so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man that loves me so much, and is such a good provider for our little family. But, even when I think about that it makes me sad because I want so badly to be able to give him the children he deserves, he’ll be such a good father….he deserves the chance to be a good father.
I didn’t sleep real well again last night. My mind is just going round and round. We are moving again at work, and I keep worrying that it is going to happen during the 2WW (I know I shouldn’t stress about things I have no control over, but I can’t help it.) My bosses boss recently left our department and I fear that my boss will now leave because we all LOVED her boss and she’s been very upset, but I don’t want my boss to leave because she really is such a good friend and support to me….I’ve cried in her office on numerous occasions through this journey. I woke up this morning just feeling very groggy and un-rested and my stomach has been turning and turning all morning.
Anyway, this was kind of a random post, but this is where my head is right now. I think the PMS is kicking in, and the lupron is making me loopy (and hot!) My clinic is calling tomorrow “day 1” of my cycle, so I’m assuming AF will arrive tomorrow. We have our blood test first thing in the morning, and then my nurse will call me to let me know if the results were “favorable”…..if so we can start our FET drug regimen (tomorrow starts baby aspirin, climara patches and estrogen supplements.) I keep letting my mind go THERE……that the blood results won’t be favorable and we we’ll have to wait even longer. We’ve had so many set-backs, I am trying to prepare myself for that.
I guess that is everything that is going through my mind this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers that AF arrives tomorrow and that my blood results look good so that we can start the FET meds on time.
17 comments:
Rooting for you! Remember infertility is a marathon, not a sprint and while I understand the pressure, I really, really do, try to just focus on yourself. It's important.
Sending lots of good vibes that AF arrives tomorrow and everything proceeds smoothly here on out.
I totally "get it." I keep asking myself the same thing. Am i going to be fine if this doesnt work? In all honesty it sucks just to think about it. But just like you said..Worry never helped a single person. You are doing what you know to do. You are trusting that things will go well for you. And I am believeing that for and with you. Good luck hon. I posted my calendar and I am actually quite a bit behind you.
Sorry you are struggling. Praying everything goes well for you! :)
-Kristen from www.buckupbutercup.net
Hey Krista, I can so understand how you're feeling at the moment- It's tough when so many friends are pregnant(I have had 4 who have all given birth in the past 2 months, and 2 are pregnant at the moment)it feels like it should be first come first served-and yet here we are still waiting! I just keep telling myself to focus on my own journey to get there though, and not worry about what everyone else is doing-easier said than done I know! Definitely keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, hoping that AF arrives and that your cycle goes smoothly. It's natural to think about what may go wrong this cycle,but it all sounds well planned and your body has had a break so should be all ready to welcome an embie on board-will be following your progress and cheering for you! xoxo
I think it is perfectly normal to feel anxious. Yes, you can handle if it doesn't work but there is no reason to think it won't! I admire your ability to stay sane with all of your preggo friends, I think I would run away and hide!!
Hang in there. This definitely is not an easy process.
I really hope that you get AF and the green light! You totally deserve it!
ugh on all the pregnancies!!
Prayers said!!
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I know that is easier said than done. (HUGS)
How do we let our hearts rule over our minds... wish I knew! I hope you're joining your besties and cousin very soon, oh the pressure. Sending positive thoughts and special prayers your way right now for you to be able to move forward with this FET and on to a BFP as soon as possible!
It's so hard to stay positive during this struggle. I'll say a little prayer that everything goes smoothly for you tomorrow!
It's hard to be excited and optimistic but have the doubt in the back of your head. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping everything goes great. You WILL great pregnant, I know it. That is exciting how close you are getting!! I can't wait to hear the update from tomorrow's appointment.
Not sure if you know of Mumford and Sons (they are great), but there is a song called Winter Winds made me think of your post.
And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"
Thinking of you and wishing for great news tomorrow. ((hugs))
Wow, that is a lot to worry about and a lot of pregnant friends!
I will be thinking of you, but I do beleive that your time is coming up soon!
I think it is very normal to be nervous leading up to your transfer..just take it one day at a time. I will be thinking about you!
I never had AF arrive on what they called day 1 for my IVF cycles, so don't let that worry you if she doesn't arrive. If all of your blood tests are fine, they will proceed anyway and AF will arrive in her own sweet time (mine were like day 3-5).
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly for you tomorrow! (((HUGS)))
You're in my thoughts and prayers love. I truly hope everything goes well.
Thinking of you every step of the way... especially for your blood tests and then your transfer :)) I know what you mean about finding it difficult to trust your heart - your break will have rested your body and made it extra-specially ready for your special transfer. It's understandable to me nervous - getting so close now xoxo
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