Thank you.....yes, I am talking to you!

This post has truly been a long time coming. I’ve been trying to get through the IVF/FET process before I really dove head first into this because I’ve been so emotional that I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through writing this post. But, this week has been so emotionally draining and difficult and SO MANY of you have come through for me, that I really feel like I need to write this post now. Bear with me...and no crying! (okay..I am only talking to myself on that one.)

First of all, I want to give a HUGE thanks to my girl, Caroline (a real life, very fertile friend!) This week she sent me a personalized apron with a picture of my dog and I on it....it says "World's Greatest Cane Corso." It came totally unexpected and more than touched my heart. She knows how much I love my dog (even when I want to drop him out the window) and also being in the kitchen, so thought the gift fit me perfectly...which it does. Thanks babe....you rock my world!



I decided I really wanted to write this post because sometimes I think I am unworthy of the amazing love, support and kindness I have been shown through this process. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such kindness and support. My heart is overflowing from the love of not only my “real life” friends but the support and love of the fertility community as a whole.

Each day my “follower” count goes up…just a bit.  I had 4 followers going into my IVF cycle. In 2009 I wrote posts but I felt like I was writing them to myself….I knew no one was reading them, and maybe I wasn’t ready for anyone to read them. In 2010, I rarely wrote in this blog.  After my 4 failed IUI's….I was emotionally exhausted.  I needed some time to be a bit “inward,” concentrating on myself and how was I feeling.  There were so many questions I needed answers to: Was I truly ready to become a mom or did I just want to “win” a pregnancy, was I really ready for IVF and all that comes with that, how did I feel about others' pregnancies….could I be truly happy for them, how strong was I…really, could my marriage make it through the process, is my marriage stronger than the whole of my pain and anguish, did our love outweigh all else, could I support others in their journey or was I only strong enough to limp through my own journey, what did motherhood mean to me, would we be good parents? I had to accept (in my heart) that I would not end up like my sister (a single mother,) that my DH was not going anywhere, that we were in this together. There were so many things I needed to work out in my own head and my heart before I could move forward with more treatment.

In the end, I WAS able to answer these questions, and I was able to find the strength I needed to start the most difficult part of this journey.  It took about 9 months to work through these things, but in the end….I came out stronger than ever....and part of that strength came from admitting that I was vulnerable and then being okay with showing that vulnerability.  I realized that yes, I could truly be happy for others, but that it is okay to be selfish when I need to be, that it was okay to have my moments of sadness and even anger…that these things don't make me weak. I realized that I was going to listen to my own heart, embrace my feelings and not push myself to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. I realized that I could continue this journey…but I would listen to my heart every step of the way. I realized how strong my marriage really was, and that yes, I truly wanted to be a mom and I will be a GOOD one!

What I am trying to say is that at the end of 2010 I was ready to not only continue my journey to motherhood, but I was ready to share my journey and share IN this journey with others, because I understood myself better. Since then, I have been shown such amazing amounts of love...more than I ever dreamed of. This love gives me the extra strength to keep fighting this fight. My husband is the first person I want to point out because without him showing me that he is WITH me…that he is not going anywhere, that he truly signed up for forever, I’m not sure I could have continued on. He takes such good care of me and our house when there has been times through this journey that I simply could not. He is going to be an amazing father.

Many real life friends (some very unexpected) have shown amazing amounts of love and respect for my journey. Though I sometimes do not share every single detail of this journey with them, and sometimes I am beyond selfish, most have been kind, inquisitive and most of all…supportive. Thank you to those of you who take the time out of your day to read this blog, keep up with my journey, and send me messages of love and support...it really means a lot to me.

This community has been my “rock” through this process. Sometimes your guys’ comments bring me to tears, and I truly can't believe how many I receive sometimes....it feels like a hug each time I receive one. I recently acquired a new follower who told me that my blog gives her the strength to keep fighting for what she wants, when her friends in real life just don’t “get it.” I realized that this blog has not only gotten me through some really tough times, but it has helped others get through their tough times too….what an amazing feeling. If I can help just one person make this journey even a tiny bit more bearable, then I've accomplished way more than I even set out to do here.  You guys make me laugh, make me cry, humble me, show me you completely understand, validate my feelings, make me stronger, and touch my heart and soul with your amazing courage. I feel the bond we all have.

Mrs. Thompson who has already been through the worst thing I could imagine shows such an amazing amounts of compassion and strength, she feels like a sister to me, and with her support I feel like I can truly continue this fight (you know I love you, JL.) Chon, Tee and many others who came to my rescue when I was attacked by “anonymous” commenters after having a bad day and just trying to vent my feelings...what would I have done without you? Tee, I can't wait for my special dance you are rehearsing!  Clewis who made me laugh hysterically by putting out her “fanny fire” with yogurt and a baby tub….I’ll never forget that post and how good it felt to laugh. NewYearMum is also similar to Mrs. Thompson in many ways….been through the worst thing I could imagine, but somehow finds the strength to not only continue the fight, but to show so much love and compassion, and each time I read her comments my heart is warmed because I know she is rooting for me. Wonder Woman who is a true woman of God in every sense…and brings me back down to reality each time I read her blog. Miss Mac, Lori, Cherbear, Ants (uhhhh......do I see a theme here, yes yes I do (Cher, and I think you and I are next!)) and so many more......you guys inspire me each day, and sometimes I just can’t wait to get to my blog to share with you and read up on how you guys are doing. Thank you to my regular commenters who give me that extra boost each day to keep fighting……Renee, Athena, staciek, Marianne, MrsLemon, RMCarter/Michelle, Sara (twin boys!,) Tanya, Kristen (so thinking of you right now,) Mrs.BabyDream, Bella, Kerrik, Kathleen/Tippy, Lisa, Jen, kkasun, Summarstarlet, Annie, Rosachka, Liz, DINK, Amy, Gurlee, A, Joey, Baby Steps, LC, Cheers, The C's, Cat Lady, Baby Hopes, Cori, Cortney, Shannon, Angie, Goldie, Noelle, hopeisafourletterword, Marilyn, oursoonerchick, Serenitynow, Foxy, Josey, Nic, Maria, Melissa, Nikki, Jacksmom, Coakley, new followers and so many more (I know I'm missing some)…I love you guys!

Thank you everyone for the amazing love you have shown me….by reading my blog, by sending me things, by leaving me comments, by calling, by texting, by asking questions, by emailing. I am truly not worthy of your love, but I’ll take it anyway, because honestly I don’t know where I would be without it. However this two week wait ends, and whatever happens…I know you guys will be here to support me whether it be through a pregnancy or more fertility treatments. That gives me so much comfort…even though I still have a lot of fighting to do…I am not alone.