I don’t want my blog to become just a big venting session….I do try and stay positive, but sometimes I just need to get these things off my chest. And, like many of you always say….this is my blog so I can put up whatever I want. And, sometimes I just need to share...the good and the bad.
So, DH and I had some new neighbors move in last summer. A couple in their late 30’s with two young boys, and another on the way. The woman was obviously very pregnant when they moved in, and she gave birth to a little girl about a month later. I haven’t had the chance to chat with her much because I’m just not outside that much. We say hello when we are running out the door to jump in the car or whatever…but no lengthy conversations. Since DH is outside more than I am….cleaning the cars or his bikes, doing yard work or picking up dog poo….he’s had a lot more conversations with the couple. Well, this past week our heater went out…yes, in the middle of winter in Denver! Luckily, the new neighbor does heating and air conditioning repairs and had told us if we ever had any problems with ours to let him know. So, DH caught him that morning while they were shoveling snow off the driveways. The neighbor came to our rescue and fixed the heater that day…yay! I decided to put together a nice basket of goodies for them to show our appreciation. So, on Saturday DH and I went over there to give them the basket. Well, the wife came to the door holding her baby, and we gave her the basket and then ooh’d and aah’d over her baby accordingly. She then said “you guys need to have some!!”
Uhhh….yeahhhh….okay, awkward!
So, we hummed and hawed accordingly and then left.
Later, DH and I were taking the dog for a walk and he tells me that EVERY conversation he’s ever had with this woman she’s either asked him when we are having kids, or made a comment that we need to have kids. Are you F’ing kidding me? I just find that incredibly rude. First of all….she has no idea what our situation is…maybe we can’t afford kids, maybe one of us has a serious health problem and it isn’t a good time to have kids, maybe we’ve had recurrent miscarriages, maybe we don’t want kids, maybe we are INFERTILE!!! It just astonishes me how little tact and common sense people can have….I mean, really. We all know someone who has struggled with infertility, right? Does that never cross your mind when you notice a couple doesn’t have kids…that maybe they are trying?! Are people that ignorant that infertility never crosses their mind? Really? I don't get upset when people ask if we are going to have kids, but to constantly harp on my husband about it...that's what really bothers me.
THEN, my first college roommate contacted me on facebook a little over a year ago. She was married with one baby. She of course asked if we are planning to have kids (of course, what else would she ask!) I was honest and told her we’d been trying for awhile but weren’t having any luck. She then launched into all the “remedies” just like everyone does. I think her advice was to “have sex even when you don’t think you’re ovulating, because I got pregnant with my daughter when I thought I had already ovulated.” Okay….yeah…..I think we are well past the “just have lots of sex and you’ll get pregnant” stage, but whatever.
A few months later, DH and I went out to sushi with two other couples. We had taken some pictures that night, including one of our HUGE plateful of sushi, which I had posted on facebook. The old college roommate immediately posted on the sushi picture “That looks so good, I can’t wait until I can eat sushi again!” Hmmm…odd comment. So, I go on her facebook page and sure enough she is pregnant again. I thought that was an awfully weird way to tell me she is expecting, especially knowing my circumstances….you would have thought she’d be a bit more gentle. It almost felt like she was rubbing it in.
Then, recently DH and I went out on a date night (an early Valentines Date,) and I posted a picture of my husband on the date. I put the caption with the picture “cute husband on date night.” The college friend proceeded to comment on the picture “what’s “date night”?” Wow….another “rub in?” I have no idea how she wanted me to respond…”Oh yes, you have two babies and can’t go out on dates whenever you want, I remember…yes yes yes….and we have NO babies! Yippee!! Date night whenever!” Yes, honey we all KNOW you have two babies, and that I have NONE, but do you really have to rub it in? You know that we’ve been trying for like forever, it’s not like you don’t know our situation. Yes, of course we’d give up date night in order to stay home with babies!!
The moral of these stories are that you can’t put yourself in other people’s shoes if you’ve never been in their situation. Don’t rub it in when others are struggling. Don’t constantly harp on them about starting a family if you don’t know their situation. Thank you.
I feel better...
20 comments:
ummm...the picture commenter is annoying ME and i don't even KNOW her! Self absorbed much??? ick.
Sorry you're dealing with all of that. I'm so ruthless on facebook that i delete everything that annoys me no matter who posted it. My friends have learned to keep most of their comments in their heads. LOL But everyone is not as mean as I am.
glad you feel better
Girlfriend!!! I would be foaming at the mouth after all that too!!! I totally get you...it's natural for people to ask about kids -- ONCE. But to keep harping on it like that?!! It's so obvious that infertility needs to become a more mainstream topic...so that people like your neighbor stop hurting others with their questions. :( I have an aunt like that....every single time I speak to her, she asks when we are gonna have a baby. (because her daughter and all 3 stepdaughters, even the gay one, have had children. With 4 out of 6 being 'oops' babies)
I'm glad that Mr. neighbor fixed your heater BEFORE you learned of the rude Mrs. neighbor.
I could slap the FB girl. People seem to forget so quickly, when you tell them you're having problems.
Honestly most people are just asking if you're going to have children because that is the path of life. Most grow up, go to college, get married and have children. You ask a teen "So where are you going to go to college?", right, even though we may not know their financial struggles, worries or grades behind the scenes. Same with having babies. It's the natural flow of life and there is no disrespect when we ask. In fact, in asking, we just want to get to know you better and are genuninely interested in your life.
It's as if we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we talk about our kids or pregnancy, you're pissed. Yet if we try to hide it you're pissed. I don't know you but I can assure you that no one is wanting to see you suffer but you are causing your own suffering by not being happy and by alienating yourself from "fertiles" as you call us. We're all in this world together and of course want your happiness and your goals, wishes and dreams achieved. Honestly though, it seems there is some self-absorption going on. When you announce your pregnancy to all of us this year, do you really want us all to be hateful and mad at you for having joy? Of course not. So be happy for others if they have children and see that happiness bounce right back to you. You don't have to live a life of misery despite your circumstances. God will answer your prayers. As far as friends giving advice on how to get pregnant, they are doing so out of the goodness of their heart, not to make you feel shitty.
No one has the power to make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt
I just started following your blog and I appreciate your honestly. It is a difficult struggle. I feel blessed to have (mostly) supportive family and friends but until they walk a time in our shoes they won't fully understand. I have learned that being open about what we are going through helps our family and friends not ask those hard questions over and over. It isn't always easy and today is one of those hard days (we got a negative PG test this morning after an IUI two weeks ago). I keep reminding myself this is my trial because I have the strength to get through it- whatever that means.
I have had many of the same thoughts and feelings you describe. I understand that it is natural for people to inquire about whether I have children. However, I *don't* it's natural or appropriate for them to offer me unsolicited advice about how to get pregnant. (I mean, give me credit for some intelligence. . . . don't you think I might've investigated some of these methods after the fourth or fifth--or 20th--failed cycle?)
BTW, I totally disagree with the comment by Anonymous "So be happy for others if they have children and see that happiness bounce right back to you." Total and utter nonsense, IMO. Your feelings are normal, expected even, and trying to feel happy for others when you are in this situation is sometimes next to impossible. . . Don't beat yourself up if you're not able to do it.
The fertile will never understand, and they will just keep saying stupid shit!
It's hard to deal with and thats why a blog is awesome to vent on :))
But you're only hurting yourself by not being happy for others. They're happy and full of joy while you're over there stewing that they have something you don't which only makes YOU feel worse. That's all I was saying. I imagine it would be very difficult and I am sorry for anyone going through it but the truth is even fertiles struggle with heartache and disappointment and devestating circumstances. There is death, disease, war, famine, divorce, heartache galore. Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. Just saying that being joyful for others can lift your spirits no matter what curveballs life throws at you because we all have them in life, just different ones. I didn't mean to be insensitive, but you're making it harder on yourself by trying to minimize others' joy.
Krista,
You continue to be spot on with your comments. I think JK would have liked to know you (or read you) during our long ordeal. Did I say that I love Infertility Etiquette? Its relevance here is obvious.
You are perfectly within your rights to tell anyone that knows of your infertility that such comments are out-of-bounds. Thank you for caring, of course! But, we would prefer your compassion without the instruction!
And, as always, good luck!
Alec
iwanttobeadaddy.blogspot.com
Why is it when people post hurtful and unhelpful comments it is always under the guise of anonymous. Here's the low down anon. We don't for one second begrudge a "fertiles" person happiness. We are openly envious that they have had an easier path than us to parenthood and no one should have to go through the pain, heartache and hurt that comes with struggling to conceive. But the thing is being fertile doesn't give you open licence to comment on our infertility and give advice on things you don't know about. And sometimes it is fairly obvious that if two people have been together for a long time and haven't conceived children yet that chances are they fall in the 20% bucket that is infertility. The other thing is - you are reading a blog about infertility. If you don't like what she is saying don't read it. If you don't choose to understand her feelings of failure and frustration then that is fine but to come on here and comment without understanding is just plain rude. If you are frustrated by her sadness then times it by about a million and then you will have some idea of her sadness. Or perhaps think of all the things you have got and take away all of those special memories and guess what you will start to understand what she is missing. Infertility hurts. It hurts more than anything I personally have experienced in my life. I feel less of a women for not being able to do something that comes so easily to others. Every pregnancy announcement, every first birthday is another reminder that I still haven't had a child yet. It's easy to be happy when you already have what someone else clearly wants. I agree with Alec maybe anon needs to read the Infertility Etiquette and since she likes quotes here is one direct
"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief"
"The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."
maybe now you can understand why it hard to be bouncing around with joy when someone you don't know or haven't known for a long time keeps discussing babies and remedies and ideas and drops hints about sushi. We get that you are just trying to be "nice" and "supportive" but sometimes silence is golden.
wow i totally took over a blog! I was told by another blogger about this and honestly anon comments just drive me insane. Good luck on your journey Krista. I honestly believe that your pain will end and this is not your destiny. You will have a child one day and hopefully you have many other friends that will love you regardless and not judge you without standing in your shoes.
wow that was really long!!
Anonymous, this is her place to vent. If you don't like it don't read. And do you know WHAT...asking a teen if they're going to college is WAYYY different. Infertility is not a choice like college is. Yes, maybe someone struggles in school--but studying CAN change that. We cannot change the way our bodies are!!!!!
Furthermore, yes, I suppose it IS normal to ask someone if they're going to have kids. But there's absolutely NO NEED to mention it every time you see them, as this neighbor has done. (and my aunt as done to me)
Fact is, SOME people just don't get it.
Chon, very well said!! I had just realized that my comment was still sitting on my screen waiting to be posted so I hit enter and then realized you had already rebutted far better than I. :)
All I am saying is that I don't think there is venom and hatred behind someone asking if you want kids or announcing their pregnancy on FB. If you have a brand new car or take a fabulous vacation, are you supposed to hide it from others who may never be able to have either? I understand Krista's sadness but I truly think the fertiles are innocent (for the most part) in their attempts to help or converse about the subject. The neighbor obviously has no idea what Krista's situation is. If I was Krista's friend and had kids, would I not be able to talk about them even? What if I was a divorced woman? Would Krista then not be able to talk about her loving husband? Just putting other scenarios out that may be a little similar. I agree, it's a touchy subject but I also think people (overall) are good and there is no intent to harm. I have a feeling that if the neighbor knew what was going on would take back what she has said.
Sorry anon I just picked myself up off the floor from laughing so hard. Innocent, insensitive what ever. Fact is it doesn't matter if they know or not they still do it every time. In fact you are doing it right now.
Chon-well said!
Anon-I know what your trying to say and to be honest- I know myself that sometimes people can't win with me-they might say something about infertility that annoys me one day, and then not say anything the next day and annoy me more-Infertility can sometimes make me completely irrational...BUT, one small outlet for me is being able to come on to my blog after a terrible day and have a big vent about my feelings, knowing that there is a wonderful group of supportive people out there who understand how I'm feeling, and might pop on to give a supportive or encouraging comment....and I don't feel so alone. We have good days and bad days, and shouldn't need to justify our feelings- or be told that we are 'self absorbed', in fact the group of awesome women suffering infertility who I have met through blogging are the most supportive, giving, understanding, un-selfish people I know!A lot more so than many friends and family.
Krista, sorry for jumping on the bandwagon there but just wanted to say it's your blog and vent away!I would be completely annoyed as well, and I'm glad you feel better for letting it all out! xoxo
I'd like to offer Anonymous a shovel. They way s/he is trying to dig their way out...isn't working.
But I'll only offer the shovel if s/he promises not to use Eleanor Roosevelt in that way ever again.
It's blasphemy and Eleanor would be disappointed.
I'm not the same anon as the previous anon, but I'd like to say that people who haven't been through this, can't be expected to know what to say or what not to say. Even among close friends. Of course this is your blog and you have every right to say what you feel but you can't have an open comment page and not expect 100% agreement. Isn't that the point? For us to learn about one another?
The original anon is trying to give perspective from ignorant neighbors and well-meaning friends, colleagues... etc. Before I knew someone who was infertile I had NO IDEA what a couple went through to have a baby. I knew about the science, not about the emotions.
Finally, I think you have to realize that once a woman has a child it brings untold stress and sometimes pain along with it. It may be the Holy Grail when you are desperate to have a baby, but it is not all baby showers and pink booties. The friend who is pregnant may genuinely feel that she never gets time alone with her husband and genuinely longs for a time when she didn't have the stress and pain of parenting. Not all babies are planned, and when an unexpected one comes it isn't always joyful.
Just as "fertiles" don't understand how it feels to be IF, the IF community definitely cannot relate to post-partum depression. There is a huge shame and guilt associated with the helpless feelings. Perhaps your neighbor or friends are silently suffering in her own kitchen while you suffer in yours? It sounds like a very superficial relationship.
Unless you know someone well who is going through IF or IVF, you DON'T know you are giving painful advice. Don't judge your friends for trying to help.
Finally, if you don't want anonymous comments, you can change the settings on your blog to prevent them. You can also change your settings to make it so you have to approve every comment. That way you can limit descent.
#3 Anonymous Commentor:
First, How the heck are you all finding this post?! I am VERY curious! I honestly thought only my blogger friends (the "infertile" community") and a few of my friends were ready this blog.
Second, I know about the comment settings I can make to the blog. Up until today there hasn't been any reason to change my settings. These are the ONLY anonymous comments I've ever gotten. I will now have to consider the comment settings.
Third, if we are all learning about each other as you say....WHY are you leaving me anonymous comments? You are visiting my blog and reading intimate details about my life, but you are not open enough to tell me who YOU are? Hmmmmmm?
Four, I don't expect 100% agreement. But, what I DO expect is 100% support. Sorry...if you don't like it...you don't have to read my blog or leave a comment.
Five, PLENTY of infertiles know what post-partum depression feels like. PLENTY of infertiles go on to have babies. That was a very strange comment! Do you think infertiles are infertile forever?!
Six- I don't expect every person I know to know exactly the right thing to say to me at each moment. But, what I DO expect is that they'll always been sensitive to my situation. And, you know what....my friends have been. There are very few people in my life who have been insensitive...I guess that makes me lucky. I have stated on my blog who has been insensitive and I am mostly using them as examples, because quite frankly....their opinions don't mean much to me.
Seven- I KNOW what raising a baby is all about. I have two nieces (one who I helped raise,) and a sister who was born when I was a teenager. So, lecturing me about babies not being all about showers and booties is like telling me I am ignorant.
Eight- I'm not judging any of my friends. Unsolicited advice is just plain unhelpful.
"But you're only hurting yourself by not being happy for others."
That's the funniest things I've heard today. You're a dickhead, anon.
"They're happy and full of joy while you're over there stewing that they have something you don't which only makes YOU feel worse."
No, it doesn't make us feel worse, we are grieving for our losses and failures. But ya just won't get it coz you're not infertile, so I'm not going to waste my breath on you any further.
Krista! I have been reading and unable to comment and its been sending me INSANE! Im in your corner lovie, and I have your back. Its your blog, your outlet, so let it rip.
So to the ARSONYMOUS of lower intelligence and with her blinkers on. I am a mother, and I suffer from Secondary Infertility. I have been on both sides of this fence, and believe me, you have it bloody good. You do not have the intelligence, nor the strength, to go through what Krista has. Read all her blog entries for this year, she has only just been able to leave her home from suffering from OHSS.
Offer support or STFU!
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