Resilience

After Wednesdays shenanigans with the “anonymous” commenters, I’ve been in a bit of a funk. While I want to put the whole awful mess behind me and focus on moving forward….because I surely don’t want a bunch of negative thoughts and emotions going into my FET. I feel like I said my peace in the follow-up post and clearly stated where I stand and why the negative comments don’t apply to me, it’s still hard for me to “just let things go.”

While, I don’t feel like the comments were necessarily directed only at me, I do feel like they were directed at the community as a whole. It bothers me that we are so misunderstood and not only do a lot of people not want to listen and try to understand where we are coming from, but they actually try and attack us! Like I said in my last post, I will never understand why human beings try and attack each other during their most vulnerable times. While all we need is love, compassion, understanding and support…we get blasted on our own blogs (the ONE place we can come and share our frustrations over this whole awful disease!)

This isn’t the only place I’ve seen this over the last several days….I’m sure a lot of you saw the post from Michelle at STFU Infertiles where she joined a group on Facebook supporting government funding for IVF (she is Canadian BTW...this obviously doesn't apply to the U.S.) She then had a “friend” instant message her about joining the group, basically calling her an idiot, and the “friends” last message to her was “imo if you cant concieve you werent meant to. your genes weren't meant to mix with the other person's genes and you should accept it not go fucking around creating frankenbabies and ruining the earth.”

Or the post from Marybeth at Deep Breath Before the Plunge, who found the strength to come out on facebook by posting the Huffington Post article (see three posts below.) The comments she got were astonishing!! Here is my favorite:

Wow….I am just in shock! Is this really how people out there in the world view us?! For the record (and again because this is my blog and I can put up what I want) I had to go through IVF not because mine and my husband's genes "couldn't mix." It was because I wasn't ovulating due to a hormonal imbalance!! I have PLENTY of eggs (trust me on that one....they retrieved 50 in one cycle!) And 32 of them fertilized normally! So, don't tell me that mine and my husband's genes can't mix! Together, we made some beautiful embryos, who will grow to be perfect babies!! Had IVF not be available to give us a little help in getting those eggs out, and getting them fertilized, we'd never be able to have our own children! IVF is a wonderful thing for people like me who just need a little "boost" in getting things moving. And if infertility was TRULY nature’s way of “keeping the population down,” then why is it that the poor and uneducated people who don’t even want children are doing so much reproducing? It’s because of THESE people that there are so many children that need to be adopted. If nature really had its way, the babies would be born to those who actually want them, will love them, care for them and educate them. I’m tired of people acting like we aren’t worthy of having our own children because we have to have medical intervention to get them! I’m tired of all the people out there making dumb comments!!!

Anyway, I’m completely getting off the subject a here, and this is not a good time for me to be upset. What I really wanted to say was to offer all of us a bit of optimism while we go forward with our journeys. A recent follower (Belinda) pointed out this great blog to me. The blog is written by Lisa Rouff, Ph.D. The blog addresses various emotional aspects of experiencing infertility. Lisa is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infertility counseling. This post especially hit home for me today, she speaks of having resilience during fertility. The post is about picking yourself up and keeping moving forward when your cycles fail, and how resilience is more important than physical fertility during this journey. How appropriate for how I am feeling! Which is attacked and misunderstood!

Lisa’s post reminded me that though things will get difficult (emotionally, mentally, physically and even interpersonally (something I NEVER thought about before),) that we ARE resilient! We HAVE to find the strength to pick ourselves up when we have a failed cycle or we get emotionally attacked. We have no other options! Here is the actual post for you to read yourself:

Resilience is the real fertility

So many times, I am asked by clients, "How will I get through and survive (insert tragedy/setback/loss here)? My answer to them, although perhaps not comforting, is always the same--that you will get through and survive the bad things that happen to you because. well, you really don't have any other choice.


Although that sounds a bit grim, I am constantly amazed by what human beings are capable of doing when they don't have the choice to do otherwise. It seems that if we have the option to escape something painful or difficult, we are usually sorely tempted to take it, even if it may not be the best thing for us in the long run. But it is when we don't have any choice in the matter, that is where the real bravery, strength and creativity become apparent. This is how I define resilience--the ability to keep functioning despite losses and challenges. I feel hopeful that our resilience as a species will be the thing that ultimately keeps the human race from destroying itself. For example, when we actually have no other option, we might finally be motivated to do something about global warming or whatever else threatens our survival.


In my work with clients struggling with infertility, I've seen that despite feeling otherwise, most people are more resilient than they may believe. When confronted with setbacks, disappointments, or losses, most people initially feel that they can’t function successfully. But as the situation evolves, they see that they are able to confront issues they never thought they could, or to give up habits that that never imagined they could. Witnessing these transformations is one of the great things about my work.


It is my belief that when it comes to creating your family, resilience is even more important than physical fertility. You can treat or work around infertility --but without resilience, you often can't make anything happen. Functioning ovaries, happy sperm, and a willing uterus are all nice to have, and make the process easier. But the ability to persevere and keep trying even when the situation is difficult is the one key ingredient necessary for success. When I think about my own situation this way, it makes me feel better. I can take comfort in the fact that although I had significant physical challenges, my resilience was intact, and helped me to take the numerous steps on the long and rocky road to having my own family.


One thing that makes people doubt their own resilience is that the process of being resilient usually isn't pretty. There are a lot of tears and bad feelings involved, along with struggles, mistakes, interpersonal conflicts, and the like. Like so much in life, it's a messy, non-linear road, and you may only realize where you have ended up once you are already there.


If during the course of your infertility journey, you come to a point where feel overwhelmed and like you can't go on, then you should take comfort in the fact that these feelings are extremely common in this situation. It may sound like an odd thing to say, but if you still have treatment options, then even though the options may be difficult, you are still in a privileged situation. Even more difficult than going forward is the realization that you've come to the end of the road and that you have no more options with which to struggle. So if there is still a battle to fight, take heart. And remember that you are probably more resilient than you believe--and that your resilience will help you do what is necessary to create your own family.

Finally, I want to add that I think I've had enough negativity over this past week to last me a lifetime, so this post will be my last post venting about others' behaviors. I started this blog to document my journey, and while the negative behavior might be a part of my journey, I am choosing not to let it get to me any longer. While I may still run across it from time to time, I am choosing to ignore it and not give it any type of credit by posting it here.

I AM Resilient!!