March ICLW and Birth Control Fun-ness

Welcome March ICLW’ers!!

Well, I am now 4 days into taking the birth control pills. I am doing okay. They are giving me a bit of nausea, a little headachy and overall "icky feeling." I've been able to shake the nausea by the time I get up in the morning, but haven't been able to this morning. I got really sick while reading on the bus this morning...no more reading on the bus until I discontinue the birth control! I haven’t taken them for over 4 years now....I remember now why I gave up the little SOB's well over a year before we even started trying....because they suck! I just keep thinking how ironic it really is that I took a pill to prevent something from happening for 10 years. Then, for the past 3 years I’ve been fighting for that something to happen. Oh the irony of it all….right? I’m sure the rest of you have had those exact same thoughts.

I am doing better than I was last week. Your guys’ amazing support really helped pull me through it. It was definitely a tough week....DH really helped too. I got home that night and said to DH “are we going to make it through the next 5 weeks?” And he said “we’ve made it through the past 3 years, we can do this, we can make it through anything together.” That made me feel better. The hardest part for me is knowing I have those embryos just waiting for me, to have to wait 3 months before I can bring them home is heartbreaking and nearly unbearable.

We ordered all of our FET meds.....another $500. I know I shouldn't think about all of the $ we've spent, but I realized that we are up to close to $50,000 so far.  I'm not even sure how that happened, but it makes me sad. We are blessed to be able to afford this, but at the same time...we've worked so hard for that $ and it sure would have been nice to get free babies like everyone else in the world and spend that $ on THEM! Oh well...I guess it's just the way it goes.

Thanks for all of the comments of understanding on my last post regarding struggling for balance. I was glad to see that so many of you could relate to how I was feeling…it makes me feel less alone in my struggle. I hope my post also helped a lot of you see that YOU are not alone in your struggle….there are so many of us that can relate. I really liked Mrs. BabyDream's analogy…that going through infertility makes you feel like you’ve hit the pause button on your life, and you are only allowed to press play once you finally get that BFP. It is so true. I guess I’ve slowing, little by little been pressing that pause button on my life…not completely fully aware that I was. I really realized it in the last few months…..that the pause button has officially been hit. I want to press that play button again….but like I said, mustering up the energy and strength to do that seems impossible right now.

I had a good talk with the DH the night after I wrote that post. We talked about planning a nice 3-day get-away together one of these next couple of weekends….to give me something to look forward to. Then, we quickly realized that he is traveling 3 out of the 5 weeks leading up to our FET, and doesn’t fly back into town until Friday evenings. The weekend of April 8th would work with his traveling schedule, but I have 2 baby showers to attend that weekend, so we can’t go anywhere. I was really bummed that nothing worked out with our schedules. He said that I should just try to plan a lot of things that I enjoy between now and the transfer….dinners/dates on the weekends with him, pedicures and massages when he is gone, etc. I suppose he is right….I should plan some things. He took me out to lunch twice last week, and met me for a "cookie date" one day....so thoughtful and sweet. We are lucky we work only a few blocks from each other! I’m just going to try my best to keep busy over the next month (oh! one month exactly today!)  It seems like it is so far away....I hope it goes by quickly!

Thanks again for ALL of your support....including my real life friends who I know have been reading and keeping up with me.