Completely Heart Broken

I am completely heart broken. I completely misunderstood what was happening this month. When I was told I had to wait two cycles for our embryo transfer, I thought that meant a cycle in February, a cycle in March and then we'd have our transfer during the March cycle. In actuality, I have to wait the February cycle, the March cycle AND the April cycle. 3 Fucking Months.

I was totally caught off guard when my nurse called me this morning. I was all cheery and excited and asked what my schedule looks like for the next few weeks and when my transfer would be.  She told me that I don't need to do anything right now, that the next time I will need to do anything is on April 4th when I meet for my FET nurse consultation. Wha?! She then said that I'll have my blood checked to see if I've ovulated, and then if I have (which I won't have because I don't "ovulate" until CD 24 or 25,) then I can start lupron, wait for the next cycle to start, and then have my transfer at the beginning of May.

OMG! What?!

I immediately lost it.

Tears at work in the stairwell.

You guys know it takes a lot for me to lose it.

I am beyond disappointed and heartbroken

No Christmas baby

Another entire cycle to wait

My nurse felt extremely bad about the entire thing....she didn't realize that I thought I was having my transfer in less than 3 weeks. She says they look at cycles differently then the patient does, that they would consider "this" cycle the start of my FET cycle since this is when a patient would normally be starting birth control for the FET. I definitely would not consider this the start of my FET cycle if I am going to have another AF visit between now and then!  She realizes that they should have explained this all better to me. Ya think?! I think she forgot that I don't take birth control when I last talked to her in February and she said "call us with your March cycle so we can start your FET!" She did listen to my frustration...that I've waited so long....3 years, I thought I was going to be pregnant in January and then when that didn't happen due to the OHSS, I thought I would only have to wait 6 weeks, then it was 8 weeks, then it was 10 weeks, now it is over THREE FUCKING MONTHS!! She really did feel bad about the whole thing and agreed that I've already been through so much and that she hates seeing me so upset.

I told her that my cycles have been so long (almost 40 days,) and that I just can't wait another 8 weeks for transfer. I WON'T have ovulated by April 4th! I won't even start my next cycle until around April 21st! We THEN talked about possible solutions. Birth control has never been an option for me because of my high blood pressure and the fact that it makes me nauseous...but I don't even care at this point! So, we agreed that she is going to talk to Dr. B today and see if it would be possible to put me on a round of birth control to make this cycle shorter (i.e a normal length.) I just can't wait another 40 days to even be IN the cycle that our transfer is taking place. If he allows me to start birth control, my cycle would be shorter, and my transfer would be in mid-April instead of May. That is only a few more weeks longer than I thought it would be...I guess I can handle that. If this protocol isn't approved by my doctor, I think I may have an even more serious meltdown.

I had to call my husband and tell him the bad news. I felt like an idiot because I was the one who misunderstood and kept telling him we were having our transfer in March and that we'd have a CHRISTMAS BABY! There will be no Christmas baby for us. I am just devastated right now.