3 Weeks!

I’m not gonna lie…it’s really been a terrible week.

Between the pulled muscle in my back that happened on Saturday night/Sunday morning-ish….I came down with a horrible cold. I was really tired on Sunday for some reason, to the point where I put my head down on a throw pillow on the couch after the back accident and before I knew it I was drooling all over the pillow and couldn’t scrape myself off the couch. Then, on Monday morning I woke up achy with a scratchy throat, but just thought it was because I overdid it over the weekend. However, I woke up Tuesday morning with a full-on sore throat, achy all over, congestion, etc. I thought about calling in sick on Tuesday…but I peeled myself out of bed and went, since fertility has stolen all of my sick and vacation time. Thank goodness I have FMLA for anything fertility related…but this was not related so I couldn’t even use that. I knew I was fighting a fever all day because I was alternating being really hot and sweaty to then having the chills. I didn’t sleep real well on Tuesday night at all…..I wasn’t happy about all the drugs I had to put into my body before I went to sleep…..my normal vitamin regimen, my Metformin, my first injection of lupron, my birth control pill, my blood pressure med, then 3 ibuprofen for the backache and a nasal decongestant. I had also had a cup of coffee (I quit coffee over a year ago) that afternoon because I could barely keep my eyes open at work and I had a Junior League meeting after work that I had to be awake for. So, I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and my heart was racing (probably from the caffeine and the decongestant,) my nose was stuffed up, and my back hurt. My husband threatened to go sleep in the guest room because I was keeping him awake from blowing my nose so much, and he had to get up early to fly out the next morning. I finally got the nose under control with some nose spray. I think I finally drifted off to sleep sometime after midnight. Last night, I slept a bit better....at least I fell asleep quickly, but then woke up around 2am with nausea! If it's not one thing....it's another! Bleh!

Today, feeling slightly better. I think the fever is gone now. My backache is really feeling a lot better too. I definitely think my body was trying to tell me something….slow the F down!! I’ve been in a mad frenzy over the last few weeks trying to get the house ready for the transfer (i.e. a possible pregnancy,) plus finishing up my requirements for my Junior League year, and of course a full time job, house, husband, dog, etc. and not getting enough sleep. Okay body….I learned my lesson…I will slow down! In fact…this weekend I plan to get in as much rest as possible! I am just thankful that the transfer was not this week like it was supposed to be…that would have been terrible timing, and I'm glad that I learned that I need to slow down BEFORE the transfer…..lots of lessons learned this week. Rome was not built in a day, Krista!!

Two injections of lupron are complete…not nearly as exciting as when I started the lupron injections in December, but oh well, I am an old pro at this now….ha! Three more birth control pills to take then I’ll be IN my cycle that my transfer is taking place in!!!!!

Three weeks exactly you guys!!! I just realized that in less than a week I'll be going in for my initial blood draw for my cycle and then starting my FET meds! OMG!!!

Monday Blahs...A Rambling Kind of Post

We woke up to a snow storm in Denver this morning. I know I should be happy about this because we’ve gotten so little this year, we need the moisture badly! But, on a Monday morning…ugh! The snowflakes coming down are the size of cotton balls!

I threw out my back…I am officially an old lady at the age of 32. On Saturday, I decided to do one of my work-out DVDs which had to be dusted off because it hasn’t seen the inside of the DVD player since before all of the IVF craziness. I don’t know if any of you have heard of the Beach Body work-outs, but I like them…they are fun and a good work-out. Well, I decided to go ahead and do one of the work-outs called “Rockin Body.” I was doing okay, but about 30 minutes in I just felt like I couldn’t go any further….I was pooped! I woke up Sunday morning and while I was a little sore, I felt like I could probably do another 30 minute work-out. Well, before I got to that on Sunday….we took the dog on our usual 3 mile walk, and then I got wild hair up my butt to start organizing the basement and looking for stuff to put in our garage sale coming up in May. I was stupid and decided to move some of my husband’s weights….before I knew it, I had thrown out my back and was on the couch the rest of the afternoon! My Rockin Body was one Broken down body! I think my back was already tired out from the work-out the day before and then the lifting of the weights and other things just did me in. Now…my lower back is on fire…Happy Monday!!!

On other news, I think we got the bed situation figured out, and I am sleeping again! Our memory foam topper was delivered on Thursday which helps tons!! Also, Macy’s agreed to let me return the sandpaper sheets. I wanted to thank everyone for the advice on softening them up. Unfortunately, the issue is that they have tiny painted-on flowers on them which is causing the stiffness and itchiness and I don’t think any amount of fabric softer, washing, drying or vinegar is going to help. So, we found some nice 500 thread count sheets from Target which are much softer and I think the color goes well. So, at least the bed situation is figured out…one less thing for me to worry about! Sleep is awesome!

Finally, onto fertility news:

1. I start Lupron injections tomorrow
2. I take my last birth control pill on Saturday
3. My ticker says I am 3 weeks and 3 days until our transfer!!

Happy last day of ICLW!

FET Nurse Consult: Check!!

Well, I had my FET nurse consult today. I was bummed that "my" nurse, was on her honeymoon and wasn't able to meet with me. Funny how we get so attached to these nurses! But, all went well and it was pretty straight forward.

Thanks for all of your help on questions I should ask, I came locked and loaded with my list of questions!! I have my protocol now, I have all of my questions answered, I have all of the meds in my hot little hands and I am ready to rock and roll!!

Through the consult I just kept thinking "suppository hell." Not only will I start the estrace vaginally on cycle day one of my cycle, but I will also start the endometrin suppositories THREE times a day once we do the transfer (and continue the estrace through the month!) That's a lot to put up my hoo ha for an entire month! Plus, the lupron injections of course, which I will discontinue once we do the transfer.  Then the baby asprin, the folgard, the prenatals, the medrol/methylpred starting on cycle day one, and don't forget the 4 climara patches I'll have strategically placed on my body until May 7th!!  Plus, I have to do FOUR HCG booster injections. Lord, please don't let me mess this up!

I asked to speak to one of the embryologists so that I could fully understand the quality of my embryos. I knew I had 4 AA embryos frozen on day 5. But, wasn't sure about the 3 others because they were frozen on day 6 and I wasn't 100% sure what the quality was.

So, the embryologist brought me pictures of my 7 embryos.

I cried.

Yep, it's officially...I am a  hot mess and I haven't even had my transfer yet! They were just so perfect, and they were MINE. Not all were AA....we had a few AB's mixed in, which she assured me were just as good as the AAs!! I asked about the other 25 embryos that fertilized but were not kept, she said that most of them were AC, BC, etc. quality and since I had 7 "awesome" AA or AB embryos, they chose not to keep anything that was not an AA or AB.

I just kept crying. Why?! She kept hugging me and saying "oh don't cry." I just couldn't help myself, darn it! I got in the car and I still couldn't stop!

Anyway, I am so ready for this and my appointment today really hit things home for me.....this IS happening, almost nothing can cancel this for me.

For those of you that have not been through the IVF process, I've included some simple info below on embryo quality, just in case you are curious!

ICM Grade, Inner Cell Mass Quantity:
( quality of the fetus)

A Many cells, tightly packed
B Several cells, loosely grouped
C Very few cells

TE Grade, Trophectoderm quality:
(quality of the placenta)

A Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C Very few large cells

Nurse Consult Tomorrow

I am LOVING all of my new commenters...how fun is this?! New friends...yippee!!!

Tomorrow morning I have my nurse consult to go over the exact protocol for the FET. I am thinking it is going to be 100 times easier than the IVF protocol, so I’m not too worried about it. Birth control, overlap with lupron injections, end birth control, continue lupron injections, start my cycle, blood work, start the rest of the drugs...folgard, prescription prenatal, estrogen patches, aspirin, methylpred, estradiol, then monitor with ultrasounds and blood for 2 weeks.....and then the transfer of a beautiful embryo created 3 months ago in a special lab on the 21st!....then start endometrium suppositories, the hcg booster shots, and PRAY like there's no tomorrow! Vada Boom....Vada Bang! Is THAT all it takes to make a baby?! Well, why didn't anyone tell me that 3 years ago!!? HAHAHA! Geez.....

Is there any questions that you can all think of that I should ask tomorrow? I am putting my list together, such as when will my beta be after the transfer, how did they freeze my embryos (in ones or twos,) etc.

On Tuesday I start the lupron injections again….yippee…..menopause again! Between the side effects from the birth control, the metformin and then the lupron, I'm going to be a hot mess! If I were people in my life I'd steer clear of me until at least one of those is discontinued! I may be back to somewhat normalcy when I discontinue the birth control on April 3rd. At least this time I’ll know when AF is arriving, so I won't get crazy over her standing me up for weeks on end! The worst part is waiting for that knock on my door. I know the knock will come promptly on April 3rd this time around. And, there is no question when the transfer is taking place! So, no reason to feel crazy, right?! Nope, not at all....

Bedding Woes

I really have nothing to report on the fertility front, but since I feel the need to put up a post today….well, I’m gonna do just that.

I haven’t been sleeping very well…..

The birth control nausea in the middle of the night is only half my problem.

We also just got a new bed. We have had the same queen size bed since we started dating 8 years ago. We decided it was time to invest in a new king size bed so that I don’t have to sleep with DH’s knee smashed into my butt cheek and his elbow pressed into my back any longer.

Everything was going great…we got the bed, the mattress, the bedding, the comforter, etc. Everything was delivered on Monday….I was SUPER excited to get all the new goodies settled on the bed.

We jumped into our new bed on Monday night and while I LOVED having all the space we didn’t have before, I slept like crap!

First of all, our old bed had a memory foam mattress topper on it. So, it honestly felt like we were sleeping in butter….we melted right in….so cozy. We didn’t get a topper with the new bed because we thought our new ultra fancy posterpedic mattress would (should!) be comfy enough. Nope! I felt like I was sleeping on a board…even though we didn’t even buy the “firm” mattress!

Second, I ended up buying this Calvin Klein bedding from Macy’s mostly because it went with the color them in our bedroom. We pretty much have to stick with blue and brown because of paint and other décor in the room. I just automatically bought the sheets that went with the duvet, skirt, shams, etc. that I had picked out. Well, when I opened the sheet package…they seemed very stiff! But, I threw them on the bed anyway….because after all….they are PRETTY! But, they felt awful on my skin!

Hard bed + itchy/stiff sheets = no sleep.

So, yesterday morning I tell hubs “I can’t sleep in that bed, it’s too hard.” So we decide to go ahead and buy a memory foam topper for the new bed. He’s says to me “it’s kinda stupid that we bought the expensive mattress if we were just going to put a topper on it.” True…but we had no way of knowing that the mattress was just too firm…yes, we laid on all of them in the mattress store, but you just don’t know until you get it home and actually SLEEP on it! So, I went ahead and ordered the mattress topper.

Then, I decide….I can’t sleep on these itchy/stiff sheets either. So hubby recommends that we wash them to soften them up…so I do just that. When I got them out of the dryer…they did indeed feel a bit softer. So, I slapped them back on the bed hoping this would do the trick.

Nope!

Once I got in the bed the sheets were still way too stiff and in fact I couldn’t sleep a second night in a row because I had anxiety about the sheets all night! Then, when I woke up this morning I had actual RASPBERRIES on my elbows and knees from the sheets! I kid you not! These are $100+ Calvin Klein sheets…not some cheapo brand! WTF?

Now, what I am going to do?! I’ve already washed the sheets AND threw out the package! Will Macy’s still take them back!? They are completely useless to me…I can’t sleep on sandpaper!

Let’s just hope the mattress topper comes soon and I can figure out the sheet situation....or I am going to be in a world of hurt! I refuse to get all new bedding, so I am going to have to try and find sheets that match all of the other bedding I just bought…which is brown and blue, not something easy like ivory! Oh woe is me!

Is it April 21st yet? No? Okay…just checkin…..

March ICLW and Birth Control Fun-ness

Welcome March ICLW’ers!!

Well, I am now 4 days into taking the birth control pills. I am doing okay. They are giving me a bit of nausea, a little headachy and overall "icky feeling." I've been able to shake the nausea by the time I get up in the morning, but haven't been able to this morning. I got really sick while reading on the bus this morning...no more reading on the bus until I discontinue the birth control! I haven’t taken them for over 4 years now....I remember now why I gave up the little SOB's well over a year before we even started trying....because they suck! I just keep thinking how ironic it really is that I took a pill to prevent something from happening for 10 years. Then, for the past 3 years I’ve been fighting for that something to happen. Oh the irony of it all….right? I’m sure the rest of you have had those exact same thoughts.

I am doing better than I was last week. Your guys’ amazing support really helped pull me through it. It was definitely a tough week....DH really helped too. I got home that night and said to DH “are we going to make it through the next 5 weeks?” And he said “we’ve made it through the past 3 years, we can do this, we can make it through anything together.” That made me feel better. The hardest part for me is knowing I have those embryos just waiting for me, to have to wait 3 months before I can bring them home is heartbreaking and nearly unbearable.

We ordered all of our FET meds.....another $500. I know I shouldn't think about all of the $ we've spent, but I realized that we are up to close to $50,000 so far.  I'm not even sure how that happened, but it makes me sad. We are blessed to be able to afford this, but at the same time...we've worked so hard for that $ and it sure would have been nice to get free babies like everyone else in the world and spend that $ on THEM! Oh well...I guess it's just the way it goes.

Thanks for all of the comments of understanding on my last post regarding struggling for balance. I was glad to see that so many of you could relate to how I was feeling…it makes me feel less alone in my struggle. I hope my post also helped a lot of you see that YOU are not alone in your struggle….there are so many of us that can relate. I really liked Mrs. BabyDream's analogy…that going through infertility makes you feel like you’ve hit the pause button on your life, and you are only allowed to press play once you finally get that BFP. It is so true. I guess I’ve slowing, little by little been pressing that pause button on my life…not completely fully aware that I was. I really realized it in the last few months…..that the pause button has officially been hit. I want to press that play button again….but like I said, mustering up the energy and strength to do that seems impossible right now.

I had a good talk with the DH the night after I wrote that post. We talked about planning a nice 3-day get-away together one of these next couple of weekends….to give me something to look forward to. Then, we quickly realized that he is traveling 3 out of the 5 weeks leading up to our FET, and doesn’t fly back into town until Friday evenings. The weekend of April 8th would work with his traveling schedule, but I have 2 baby showers to attend that weekend, so we can’t go anywhere. I was really bummed that nothing worked out with our schedules. He said that I should just try to plan a lot of things that I enjoy between now and the transfer….dinners/dates on the weekends with him, pedicures and massages when he is gone, etc. I suppose he is right….I should plan some things. He took me out to lunch twice last week, and met me for a "cookie date" one day....so thoughtful and sweet. We are lucky we work only a few blocks from each other! I’m just going to try my best to keep busy over the next month (oh! one month exactly today!)  It seems like it is so far away....I hope it goes by quickly!

Thanks again for ALL of your support....including my real life friends who I know have been reading and keeping up with me.

Struggling to find Balance

Lately I really feel like I am struggling to find balance. I’ve always been one that balanced a lot of things in life all at once. During childhood, I balanced school, with friends, with family, with many extracurricular activities. In high school I balanced school, with friendships, with family, with boyfriends, with student government, with cheerleading and later on in high school...those things on top of a job, grocery shopping, balancing my checkbook, paying bills, getting ready for college, and some really difficult family drama. In college, I balanced school, with relationships, with student government, with work, with 2 internships, with paying my bills, with my apartment, etc. I know that you might think “well, everyone balances these things in life…these are regular life things.” But, I’ve always felt that I was exceptional at balancing things. I am a planner, an organizer, a hard worker, and when I allow myself to be…a natural leader. I’ve always been good at keeping everything in my life in balance while excelling (even in the face of adversity) at whatever I choose. I’m a go-getter…I love working hard, keeping my house in a nice and neatly orderly fashion, I love being social and making new friends and nurturing existing friendships. As an adult, I balance a full-time job, a husband, a neat and orderly home, our social calendar, relationships with my family, lots of great friends, a fantastic dog, a volunteering calendar, etc. etc. etc.

Since I've been dealing with infertility those things have become completely off-kilter. For the last year and especially in the last 6 months I feel like the only thing I’ve been able to focus on is infertility. This has slid everything else in my life almost completely off of my radar. Sure, I am still married, I still have a dog, I still have a house and a job and all that. But, those things are completely off-balance. Because infertility has taken up so much of my life, the other things I care about have become somewhat less important. It’s not that I don’t care about those things anymore, I just feel like infertility is so all-consuming that my heart, my brain, my life doesn’t have a lot of extra room.

I think I’ve noticed this a lot more in the past few weeks because the infertility stuff has been “old hold” for the past 2 months. Since the fertility stuff is on hold, I feel like there is a huge empty hole in my life that had been filled with infertility treatments for so long. All of the crazy fertility treatments were so consuming that I let everything else in my life fall away a bit, and now that fertility treatment is not there….there is not much there. My husband is my rock and my balance, but even he has other things going on….a full-time job managing a huge team of people across the country, a pretty intense travel schedule, a part-time teaching job, an rigid exercise routine, our dog, friends, extracurricular activities, etc. He, unlike me hasn’t let infertility treatments consume him…he still has his own life things that he hasn’t let slide away from him.

As for me, my work has become boring and monotonous. I got a promotion back in December and it’s like I don’t even care. I am doing the job, but my heart isn’t in it, I don’t have the “go get em” attitude. I haven’t been in close contact with my family for a few months now. I mean, it’s not that I am not in contact with them, but most days I would prefer not to have to get into lengthy conversations with them. I know some of my friendships have suffered and it’s not that I don’t care, I am just having such a difficult time reaching out and being social right now. I feel like I am forcing my social interactions. My friends ARE important to me….so why do I want to stay home and be anti-social?

I know it’s a balance issue. I let the infertility take up too much of my “space,” and then everything else that I normally balance slid off the side. I want to “slide” those things back onto my radar…I want that hole that I feel to be filled again, but I just don’t know if I have the strength or the energy to do it right now. I just feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

Update from my Meltdown Post

Since the call from the nurse this morning, I just continue to kick myself. I let myself get too excited. I should have known better. How dare I think I was getting pregnant this cycle?! It was all too good to be true. I should have known something would go wrong. I should have known there would be more set-backs. After all we’ve been through, after all the set-backs, I should have known better then to get excited. Damn. I won’t do that again. This is not what I needed on the first day of my cycle, when I already feel shitty from AF. I really needed the good news, and never did I think that the call wouldn't be good news.

My nurse called back this afternoon and said that Dr. B approved me taking birth control this month to give me a normal length cycle (you know, a cycle like everyone else in the world!) I am thankful for that, but am feeling so defeated right now that it is difficult to be happy about that. It shortens up the wait some, but not short enough to where I was thinking it would be. It pisses me off that I will have yet another AF visit before we can have our transfer. If everything goes off without a hitch (yeah right,) she said our transfer is scheduled on April 21st. Here is the new schedule:

March 17th - Start Birth Control
March 25th - FET Nurse Consult
March 29th - Start Lupron
April 3rd     - Cycle day 1 of FET
                    - Start all FET Meds
April 21st   - Transfer scheduled

I guess I am happy that we have an ACTUAL schedule that we can look forward to instead of all this waiting for this to happen, then wait for that to happen...it's all getting old. Of course, I've been through this enough to know that this could all change when the wind blows a slightly different direction, so I'm not writing it down in pen on my calendar! But, at least we have a date to write down (in pencil) on our calendar.

I guess I am just tired...tired of the ups and downs, tired of waiting, tired of getting excited only to be crushed, tired of crying, tired of being disappointed, tired of my husband's disappointment, tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I'm feeling poopy...maybe tomorrow will be a better day.....

Completely Heart Broken

I am completely heart broken. I completely misunderstood what was happening this month. When I was told I had to wait two cycles for our embryo transfer, I thought that meant a cycle in February, a cycle in March and then we'd have our transfer during the March cycle. In actuality, I have to wait the February cycle, the March cycle AND the April cycle. 3 Fucking Months.

I was totally caught off guard when my nurse called me this morning. I was all cheery and excited and asked what my schedule looks like for the next few weeks and when my transfer would be.  She told me that I don't need to do anything right now, that the next time I will need to do anything is on April 4th when I meet for my FET nurse consultation. Wha?! She then said that I'll have my blood checked to see if I've ovulated, and then if I have (which I won't have because I don't "ovulate" until CD 24 or 25,) then I can start lupron, wait for the next cycle to start, and then have my transfer at the beginning of May.

OMG! What?!

I immediately lost it.

Tears at work in the stairwell.

You guys know it takes a lot for me to lose it.

I am beyond disappointed and heartbroken

No Christmas baby

Another entire cycle to wait

My nurse felt extremely bad about the entire thing....she didn't realize that I thought I was having my transfer in less than 3 weeks. She says they look at cycles differently then the patient does, that they would consider "this" cycle the start of my FET cycle since this is when a patient would normally be starting birth control for the FET. I definitely would not consider this the start of my FET cycle if I am going to have another AF visit between now and then!  She realizes that they should have explained this all better to me. Ya think?! I think she forgot that I don't take birth control when I last talked to her in February and she said "call us with your March cycle so we can start your FET!" She did listen to my frustration...that I've waited so long....3 years, I thought I was going to be pregnant in January and then when that didn't happen due to the OHSS, I thought I would only have to wait 6 weeks, then it was 8 weeks, then it was 10 weeks, now it is over THREE FUCKING MONTHS!! She really did feel bad about the whole thing and agreed that I've already been through so much and that she hates seeing me so upset.

I told her that my cycles have been so long (almost 40 days,) and that I just can't wait another 8 weeks for transfer. I WON'T have ovulated by April 4th! I won't even start my next cycle until around April 21st! We THEN talked about possible solutions. Birth control has never been an option for me because of my high blood pressure and the fact that it makes me nauseous...but I don't even care at this point! So, we agreed that she is going to talk to Dr. B today and see if it would be possible to put me on a round of birth control to make this cycle shorter (i.e a normal length.) I just can't wait another 40 days to even be IN the cycle that our transfer is taking place. If he allows me to start birth control, my cycle would be shorter, and my transfer would be in mid-April instead of May. That is only a few more weeks longer than I thought it would be...I guess I can handle that. If this protocol isn't approved by my doctor, I think I may have an even more serious meltdown.

I had to call my husband and tell him the bad news. I felt like an idiot because I was the one who misunderstood and kept telling him we were having our transfer in March and that we'd have a CHRISTMAS BABY! There will be no Christmas baby for us. I am just devastated right now.

Another 38 Day Cycle

Well, like January it looks like I am going to have another 38 day cycle this month (very strange.) Today is CD37 and I started spotting this morning (I actually woke my husband up to tell him...we've been waiting so long that I knew he would want to know right away,) so tomorrow (CD 38) should be day 1 for me. Which means that for you, Mrs.Thompson, AF should be knocking on your door around Thursday/Friday-ish. :-)

We won't know when our transfer is until tomorrow (at least I think they'll be able to tell me tomorrow.) I am guessing it is going to be the first week in April though.

FINALLY...we are getting somewhere!! Will update when I know more.....

Thanks for all of your well wishes and words of understanding...it really does mean a lot to me!! There are a lot of us having our transfers right around the same time! Lots of Christmas and New Year babies!!!

CD 36.....Yes, I'm still waiting....

Boy, I had no idea I'd be waiting this long for AF to start! I started feeling like she was going to start about a week ago, so thought for sure this was going to be a regular 32-33 day cycle. Nope! Here we are on CD 36, still feel PMS, but no cramping, boobs are hurting badly, I feel like she is going to be here any minute! WTH?! Why is it taking so long! I know my January cycle was 38 days but I thought that was because I was on lupron....I didn't realize this was going to become a regular thing!

It's looking more and more like our FET will be pushed out to the first of April. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter much WHEN it happens, just as long as it happens and it WORKS!!!!

Still No Sign of AF- CD 33

I think I'll go take a home pregnancy test. I've been told that is guaranteed to start your period within 10 minutes!!! Hahahaha!!!!

My January cycle was 38 days long...so we might be in for another 5 days of waiting here folks.

Oh the waiting....what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, right? I'm one tough cookie these days!!! And one seriously PMS'y girl! Yikes!

I have PMS so bad that we went out to lunch to Panera today with 4 of my co-workers (including my boss,) I made a HUGE scene over 2 guys who cut in front of us in line! I was like "OH NO YOU DON'T, tall, grey-haired old man, and short bow-tied idiot!!" The WHOLE restaurant heard and saw the scene too! Yay me....

When would a BETA test be after a FET?

I've been MIA for a few days...did you miss me? Hahaha!!! I'm sorry that I haven't been posting (there hasn't been much to post about,) but mostly that I haven't been able to keep up with all of your posts! I hope I haven't missed too much!  We went out of town for 3 days and I feel like I am behind! Hopefully, I can get caught back up with what is going on with all of my bloggie friends! We were up in the mountains with some friends...skiing, relaxing, eating yummy food, etc. I wish I could have stayed up there...so beautiful and relaxing. I am not happy that I am back at work!

There has been nothing going on with me in the fertility department. I am on CD 30 now, so I am definitely close to an AF visit! I am desperately hoping this is not a super long cycle...it is possible to be 38 days, but I woke up in the middle of the night last night feeling like she in on her way, so I think it will probably be a normal 32-33 day cycle. This means that our FET will still more than likely take place around the 28th. Can anyone tell me how long after an FET a normal BETA test would be? I have two baby showers...one on April 9th and one on April 10th. I am hoping desperately that the BETA wouldn't fall on one of those 2 days. Eeeeeks...I would hate bad news on one of those days. But, I am staying positive, so no bad news thoughts!

I will update when AF arrives and I have a better idea of exactly when the FET will be! I will try and catch up with all of you on my lunch break!

We are closer than ever to achieving our dreams…..

I woke up yesterday morning (March 1st) and the first thing I thought about was…OMG, this is THE month! The month that could make all of our dreams a reality! DH and were getting ready in the bathroom and he was asking when the first day of spring usually is….I told him it is usually the 3rd week in March, then I said “right around our transfer!” He just kinda laughed, and I said “can you tell I am nervous and that this on my mind a lot?” It seems like everything I think about is somehow centered around the transfer, and when we might find out we are pregnant, and when we might be able to tell friends and family, and when we might be due…..I just can’t help it! In all of the 3 years since we’ve been at this, right now is the closest we’ve ever gotten to FINALLY being pregnant and becoming parents.

At the start of January when we initially started down the path of IVF, I felt like there were SO MANY hurdles I still had to cross, that I really didn’t feel like I was any closer to being pregnant than months before that. Between getting past ovulation in December, then getting cleared to start the lupron, then waiting for AF to start, then the cyst scare at my baseline U/S, then getting cleared to start stims, then responding too vigorously to the stims, then nearly getting my cycle cancelled every day during stims, then finding out all of our embryos would be frozen, then having to trigger 4 days early, then getting severe OHSS and being so ill for 2 weeks…..I just felt like I was no closer, there were too many obstacles to overcome!

But, now the only hurdle we have to jump through is the transfer….getting a beautiful embryo “to stick.” It just makes me FINALLY feel like I am THAT much closer to being a Mom. I’ve waited so long, and I’ve had so many disappointments. DH and I were really sliding down the path of pessimism when it came to having children, we were losing hope. …it’s just been so long, how you can still have hope after 3 years?

Our hope has really been restored over the last few weeks. As I’ve mentioned before, we are letting ourselves say “when we have kids” again. I let myself look at nursery décor, I let myself do research on bottles and breastfeeding and strollers, and the best ways to stay healthy during pregnancy. I’ve never let myself go here before. I sure hope I am not setting myself up for a severe disappointment. It just feels so good to be optimistic again. To feel close, for the first time in years to actually becoming a mother.

On-going left ovary pain – Is this from PCOS?

I haven’t brought this up for awhile, but used to blog about it a lot. I’ve had on and off (mostly on) left ovary pain since about September 2009. Though September 2009 is when the pain started up pretty consistently, I do remember having the pain on and off from the time I quit taking the pill in early 2007. September 2009 is when the pain started being there pretty regularly. During my September 2009 IUI cycle (the 2nd IUI, and 4th month of clomid) I thought FOR SURE I had some big ol cyst there! When I went in for my baseline U/S my RE at the time did not see any cysts, later on in the month (right around ovulation) he checked again and didn’t see anything. We followed through with an IUI that cycle. The pain did not go away though, it was there for my October cycle too….I continued taking the clomid and had both my baseline and mid-cycle ultrasounds. I chose not to go through with an IUI that cycle because my uterine lining was super thin….and “things” didn’t feel right to me.

My RE told me to see my PCP about the pain because he didn’t think it was related to my reproductive system. About a week after I ovulated, I made an appointment to see my regular PCP, since the RE wasn’t giving me any help with the ovary pain and it had been there steadily for over 6 weeks. I had an ultrasound at that time with a regular tech (not fertility related) and they found 2 large cysts on my left ovary. Of course, I thought this whole thing was odd…had the cysts been there all along and the RE thought they were just follicles? We sat out during the November cycle.

By December, the pain had let up some and we were able to move forward with another cycle (this was my first cycle of letrozole, low dosage which I had no response to.) We then moved forward with two IUIs in January and February of 2010, with higher dosage letrozole. During the January cycle the pain came back.  During the two cycles the RE never found any cysts though. I was stumped! My RE found a large cyst on my right ovary in spring of 2010, and thought maybe I was feeling the pain from that on my left side….I wasn’t totally buying that but they couldn’t figure out what the problem was. He again told me to see my PCP because he didn’t think it was related to my reproductive system. I made an appointment to see my PCP again….she thought maybe it was a strained muscle in my abdomen causing….I wasn’t buying that either (the pain was internal.) I had another U/S from a tech not related to fertility….she didn’t find anything.

Through the year of 2010, the pain was on and off (mostly on, but worse right around the start of my cycle and during ovulation.) I did acupuncture for 8 months in the hopes that that would help with the pain...my acupuncturist was fully aware of the left ovary pain. At the end of the summer 2010, we were getting ready to start IVF soon, so I wanted to see if the left ovary pain was anything to worry about since it was still there. I made an appointment to see another PCP, she thought maybe it was an Epidermoid Cyst, and scheduled a saline CT scan. Nothing was found.

In September 2010, I saw my new RE for the first time. During cycle day 7 of my cycle an ultrasound was performed, where 30+ antral follicles were found (with the left ovary having the typical PCOS pattern.) They suspected PCOS and then later on…blood tests confirmed this. I spoke to a nurse about the ovary pain when she called to get me on Metformin. She said the pain is probably caused from the ovary constantly being “swollen” due to so many follicles.

The pain actually went away right after my egg retrieval (which was about 5 weeks ago,) and just started coming back about a week or so ago. Sometimes the pain keeps me up at night because I can’t find a comfortable position where I’m not in pain. It is worse when I am laying down, and when I am standing I don’t have any pain. It is just the left side….and I am 99.9% sure it is the ovary.

Just curious if any other PCOS’ers out there have had any similar pains. I’ve never really gotten a straight answer from anyone as to what is causing the pain, and I just gave up trying to investigate the pain because no one seems to have answers. I’ve been told that PCOS doesn’t usually cause ovary pain…so I am confused. Does it or doesn’t it?