IVF #1 FET # 2 CD 10 Some disappointments, some hope, some laughter, some sadness, some thankfulness all wrapped up in one post....

I had an interesting day today. I went in for my lining check this morning not thinking much of it...nothing like last time when I was so extremely nervous that I showed up a half an hour early. I just kinda went thinking "another hurdle to jump, no biggie...it'll be fine and I'll be sent on my merry way." Well, my lining was at a 7.8...which isn't bad. But, Dr. B likes to see the lining at 8 before the first hcg booster. Unfortunately, he was in surgery and the so nurse Laurie couldn't ask him if he wanted to proceed or not with the hcg. She assumed he'd want to since it was only 2/10th of a mm off, but she had to get approval. So, I was sent back to my office and was told to wait for nurse Claudia's call.

I waited...

And waited....

And waited...

None of this would be a big deal, except for the fact that once we decided to move forward, I needed to drive back to the clinic and get the hcg booster from nurse Laurie. They like to give you the first one so that they can mix it properly, and give it to you intramuscularly (and because the first one is a much larger dosage than the proceeding dosages that I can give myself sub-q.) Plus, I needed to be able to plan out the rest of my day since I was at work after all!!  So, finally Claudia called around 1:30 and said that Dr. B DOES want to move forward with transfer...so I needed to high-tail back to the clinic! So, I jumped in my car and drove all the way back over, got my hcg injection, got my transfer time...and here I am back at work. Glad today is almost over!

Tomorrow starts my first PIO shot. Laurie was not thrilled at the prospect of me giving it to myself in the ass...so I got a one inch needle and will give it to myself on Thursday and Friday in the side of my leg (yippee!!!)...DH will be home Friday afternoon and can give it to me from there on out...in the ass...the proper place.

I attended my first support group meeting on Monday night. It was good. There were only 6 of us there (including the leader and one of the girl’s husbands,) so it wasn’t a big group. The leader told me that they usually get about 8 girls there. I was hoping for a few more, but it was kinda nice because the group was small and intimate, so we all got a chance to talk and share our stories. The one thing that I do notice a lot…that keeps coming up and is continuing to bother me…is that I seem to be one of the very few with complete unexplained infertility…this was evident in this support group too. Most people’s infertility can be explained from age, or structural problems, or PCOS, or endo, or low ovarian reserve, etc. Mine can’t. And, it seems like those who can’t be explained through those things tend to get pregnant on their first IVF attempt. So, I feel a bit alone there…my infertility is still unexplained and I didn’t even conceive on my first IVF attempt like I was SURE I would! So sometimes I find it difficult to find women who can relate to me and my story. Most are either dealing with secondary infertility, know the reason they aren’t conceiving, or conceive pretty quickly through IVF. Most of you fall into one of those categories…most people I’ve met...do. I haven’t met many that don’t and that makes me feel alone sometimes. I'm always looking for stories to relate mine too and there just aren't many.

I guess being so close to our second transfer is making me feel like “will this one end up just like the other, and if so…why? What is our reason? Where are my answers?” I want some answers so that I can treat or change whatever is making me infertile, and I get scared that I will remain childless with no answers. I know I still have many more IVF attempts that I can complete, but that doesn’t take away the fact that….I don’t want to. I’m emotionally, physically and mentally spent. I want a baby, I want a family….but how much more can I handle before I can’t handle anymore?

I work under a grant at the department that I’ve been at for 5 years. I started out here working just as a regular employee and a year and a half ago I decided to apply for a 5-year grant funded position. I was really struggling with working under my boss (she was a lying, scheming, basket case) and I was ready for a something more challenging. I thought…well I’ll just apply for this position and I’m sure I’ll be pregnant by the time the grant ends and then I can stay home for a few years to raise my children. Well, turns out that we did not get funding past year 2 of this grant due to the Federal financial crisis. So, our grant ends at the end of August. I’ve been told that we’ve applied to extend the grant to next August, but if we don’t get the extension then we are all out of a job come September 1st. Part of me is just upset because I thought I’d be pregnant by the time this grant ended…I guess there is still a chance that I may be. But, what if this cycle doesn’t work and the grant ends in August? I haven’t said anything here because I don’t want to worry about this and I’ve been banking on the grant being extended, but I know I need to deal with it and not ignore it. I haven’t started looking for another job because I just keep thinking “I won’t need to, I’ll be pregnant or have a baby and it won’t matter.” Plus, since I changed job roles completely a year ago, I don’t have a lot of experience in my new field to take elsewhere…I need more experience before another company would even interview me. But, it is weighing on me some now and I know I need to prepare for the worst. Luckily, we don’t count on my salary, but it sure does help when you are going through IVF.  One of my co-workers is going through an unmedicated IUI this month and started using her fertility monitor for the first time this morning. Well, this morning she was in my cube telling me how she went to pee on it and then all of the sudden realized she "had to take a dump" too...and wasn't sure what to do because she didn't want to accidentally poo on the stick. We laughed so hard...we were crying. How many co-workers can you have THAT kind of conversation with?! Not many...that's what makes these ones super special to me.

I got my first box of lovenox today from one of my angels (that's what I am calling them now since if I get pregnant...they are the reason,) and I am feeling better now that I have at least enough lovenox for 3 weeks, and I didn't have to sell the house to get it...wooooo hooooo!!!!!

Anywho, so that’s the latest and greatest. It’s hard to even get excited about our next transfer because I realize that frozen embryos have such a small chance of bringing me a baby. But, I don’t know if we’re ever going to be able to do a fresh transfer due to the way I over-respond to the meds and overstim, so maybe frozen will always be my only option. I guess I have the opposite problem as a lot of others, and this is not a fun place either.

Transfer in T-minus 5 days.....Positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts........