IVF #1 FET #2 9DP5DT

I’m not sure if you guys are interested in an update from me today, but I thought I’d go ahead and put one up anyway.

I haven’t had any more spotting since the “incident” yesterday morning. Basically, when I woke up yesterday morning and went to the bathroom, there was some CM on the TP and it was light brown (sorry if that is TMI…but it is what it is.) Then, I had a bit more very very light brown spotting on my way to work…the last I noticed it was about 9am yesterday morning. I know that it is possible that it is just the embryos, but to me….it looked like my period was starting. Not to be a downer…just reality here. Yes, it is good that the spotting has stopped, but that could also be because I did my PIO shot yesterday morning and that kept me from continuing to spot and start my period. I was surprised to wake up this morning and not have any spotting since we do the PIOs in the morning and by the time I get up it’s been 24 hours since my last injection.

However, all night long I kept waking up and thinking “boy, I sure feel like my period is coming.” I kept going around and around in my head….thinking that I was going to wake up to more spotting, and then was going to call my nurse today and tell her that my period was starting and so I’d like to stop the PIO so that I could let it happen. But, when I woke up this morning…no spotting and I feel a “little” less like my period is starting. I know that sounds like good news but the truth is….my period very well could have been trying to start yesterday and the PIO is just holding back the inevitable. It could really go either way.

The funny part is that I woke up this morning with a weird peace about this cycle. Not sure how to explain it. Last night Matt and I discussed for nearly an hour as to whether we should do a HPT or not. I know he was leaning in the “yes” direction and I was leaning in the “no” direction. Call me crazy….I probably am. He said he would only do what I was comfortable with…and what it comes down to is that I am not comfortable doing a HPT. I’ve gotten tons of comments and messages about this over the past several days, so I wanted to address this topic. For me…..I want the closure. I don’t want a negative HPT and then be severely disappointed and not be able to do a dang thing about it. I’d just go the next few days knowing I wasn’t pregnant but still having to continue the PIO, the lovenox, the estrogen, etc…... I wouldn’t be able to stop it until we were given the results of our second beta. We wouldn’t have our closure…we wouldn’t be able to stop the progesterone, let my period start, have our WTF appointment and focus on our next cycle. Then, I don’t want the positive HPT because of what happened last time….getting positives for 3-4 days in a row only to get a negative right before my 2nd beta. I was SO high and then the crashing was devastating to me….I thought I wouldn’t make it through the pain….honestly. I can’t do that to myself again. I just can’t.

So, we are not testing at home. I think the peace this morning came from the fact that I can accept the failure this time. Of course, I am not already writing this cycle off….but I am being realistic here. If we get bad news after our second beta…..I will be heartbroken, yet I know we can still move forward with more treatment. My journey does not end here. Part of mine and Matt’s conversation last night was also that “if” this cycle didn’t work…..we are going to chalk it up to the batch of eggs probably weren’t good quality. Yes, they look great under a microscope, but I can’t help but think that how quickly the eggs matured and the sheer number we retrieved (50) didn’t play some type of role in decreasing the quality of them. So, our next step after this is another egg retrieval (in August,) and then genetic testing and hopefully (if I don't overstim) a fresh transfer….I’d really love the opportunity to have a fresh transfer and to have my body’s own hormones take care of the embryos instead of the estrogen and progesterone I am pumping into my body “hoping” that it is the right amount that my body needs to help those embryos implant. We’ll see……

P.S A few of you have said that you can't comment on my blog. I can't comment on a few of the private blogs either...weird! Ya gotta love all of the glitches with blogger! Feel free to leave comments on my "updater blog"...I've been getting them!