I still want to cry and feel like if anyone says anything to me…I just might. Damn it!
Today was the first day of PIO. DH is out of town until tomorrow afternoon, so I had planned on giving it to myself…as you all know. Well yesterday, nurse Laurie was against me trying to shoot myself up in the ass, so she gave me a few options: 1) Find someone I know to give it to me (I asked a few close co-workers, only one was really “comfortable “ with it, but she is off work today.) 2) Drive to the far away north office and have her give it to me (the Denver middle ground office is only open M-W.) 3) Take a once inch needle (instead of the usual 1 ½ PIO needle,) and give it to myself in my leg.
I decided to go with #3. I am a tough cookie and it seemed the easiest.
It wasn’t.
After I got ready for work this morning, I prepared the shot…determined to just “do it” and get it over with. So, I drew up the PIO, changed the needle to the 1 inch version that I got yesterday…then stabbed my leg with it.
It hurt like the devil.
But, I can handle pain.
So, I stood up and walked out of the bathroom to leave the house.
The next thing I knew….
Blood dripping all down my leg and all over my dress.
Damn it!
So, I sat back down and got a big wad of toilet paper to stop the bleeding.
I felt sick…..
The bleeding finally stopped after filling the wad of TP up with blood, but I could barely walk down the stairs…I limped down the stairs. I looked at my poor leg and there was a huge hole in my leg, with blood under the skin all around the hole. What did I do to myself?!
I managed to get a band aid on it, not cry, and left the house for work.
It’s been about 3 hours and the pain is slightly better but my leg is still very sore, and it is still ugly, and I still want to cry.
DAMN! Why is this so hard!!?
Tomorrow, I’m going to have to drive to the north clinic to have Laurie do it for me. I just can’t do it again.
I hate feeling weak.
On better news…..I talked to my best friend from college on the phone last night for a few hours. She is due to have #3 in 15 days. I hadn’t told her all about what I’ve been going through because frankly…I was just embarrassed. As far as she knew….we didn’t want children. But, after my loss in April, it was weighing heavy on my heart that I hadn’t told her, and I started feeling like I wasn’t being true to myself by not telling her. I knew in my heart that even though it was going to be hard to admit my failures to her…I needed to do it. She has always been a good friend to me, and even though we don’t see each other or speak often (she lives in Texas,) I know that I always have her….that she always has my best interest at heart, and I know she can handle my pain and grief along with my joys and triumphs in life. She is just one of those people. She doesn’t run away when the going gets tough…we’ve been through too much to be able to walk away from each other’s grief. I shouldn’t have kept it from her this long…. I realize now that I need her through this process. And, by being honest and upfront with her….I am being true to myself. She listened and tried her best to understand what we’ve been through. She said that over the past few years every so often she gets a weird feeling that she needs to pray for me in relation to starting a family, she didn’t know why…she just got the feeling. She prayed on the phone with me and it felt nice…to listen to someone’s prayer for me, and know that the prayer is truly heartfelt and sincere. We cried and laughed and it felt right. She reminded me to have faith….I’ll be the first to admit that my faith has been shaken to its core through this process…but she reminded me that God has brought me such huge blessings in my life, and He will bring me this one too….on his time.
19 comments:
Oh no! I wish you would have told me, coulda warned ya! NEVER the leg it OMG hurts! For sure drive into the clinic when DH isn't around to do it. Good plan. You poor thing! :( Ah the things we do! Right? Ok, you deserve a treat. Pick a treat and devour it.
On the bright side 5 more days till transfer! YAY!!I am so excited for you!
How awesome was it to open up to a friend and find out that she is a good compassionate friend who is also a good listener. You just made that friendship stronger by opening up like that. Your so awesome Krista! I just adore you!
5 DAYS!!
Your poor leg! I hope the pain doesn't last too long... There is no way I could give myself a shot. DH has always done my trigger shots. Once we are matched with embryos and begin the process of prepping my body for the transfer DH is under strict orders not to make any travel plans until we get the ok to stop the shots...hopefully about 12 weeks later! :)
Oh, this post made me cry... so glad you have the prayers and support of a close friend like that.
That sucks ass about your shot. :( I was freaked out just doing all the ones in my belly. I wish I lived closer and could help you out!!
So sorry my dear...that stinks about your injection. You are a brave lady for giving it a go though. Hooray for dear friends...I know my life would be in shambles without mine. Your friend sounds like she has a good heart.
Krista. You should have called I totlly would have meet up with you. I was a combat medic in the Army so I know how to give shots.glad u talked to your friend.
Aha! I figured out how to post!!! ;) Oh my goodness! I really cried when I read how awful it was to give yourself a shot in your leg. Do not judge how inconvenient it is to have to drive to the clinic tomorrow. Drive as a way to take care of yourself! Are you okay now? I'm worrying about you! I am having a moment of deja vu! I just spoke on the phone for over an hour with a friend from Washington that has 2 lovely girls and didn't know any of what we had been through in the last few years. It felt so good to have her compassion and care. I am so glad you found it too! Know that even though we haven't met-I pray for you and your hubby to find your way to a baby every night and sometimes during the day too!
I am so glad you shared with your friend. Sometimes we need someone to confide in.
Your shot sounds awful! You are not weak! You are amazing! No shame in getting help with it today.
Sorry your shots were so rough! You are brave - glad you survived and I know tomorrow's shot will be better!
I would totally cry! You are one brave lady. I would for sure drive to the clinic to have the nurse give it to me. Keep on going girl!
sorry i've been m.i.a for a bit! you are one brave girl to do the PIO in your own leg. omg... i would have passed out. and how nice you told your friend. that's great! its good to "come out" somtimes, ya know? best wishes for this cycle for you :-) hoping this is it!
I gave it to myself in the butt a couple times. It's more in the back of your upper hip. I always "prepped" first, using a heating pad on the area for 20 minutes and warming the vial in some warm water for a few minutes. After the shot, I would rub the area really hard for a minute or two and then keep the heating pad on for another 10 minutes. It went a lot easier and was a TON less painful than in the leg. That sounds absolutely dreadful! I am sorry. :( Definitely make the drive and when your hubby gets back, you can try my tips. I think they really did help. Big hugs. I know it's not easy. :( Not at all.
I especially connected to this post when you said you had been embarassed to tell your friend your failures with ttc. I, too, have felt this way and still haven't told all of my friends, or family members, for that matter. Why is it that we feel like a failure when this is not something you can just work hard enough and will achieve? I brought this up once to my therapist. I said with anything else in life - if you are dedicated, work hard, and set out to do something..you can do it! And that is exactly why it makes all of this so hard on us - because we have put in every ounce of effort and our entire hearts and still haven't reached our goal. :( Her response was - you will reach your goal, you just don't know when or how you will get there. Makes sense...but still hard for me to accept. Sorry to ramble on and on.
I love you girl! GL with your shot tomorrow!
Sorry that you have to go through this alone... PIO injections sound like a nightmare :( Hope the one today went OK. Lovely to be cycling with you. Love to you always xoxo
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My hat is off to you, I dont know how you do it. Take care, Tee..xo
If I lived near you I totally would have come over to shoot you up! Doing it in the leg sounds just awful. I found doing my own PIO in the butt was no big deal. Not sure why your nurse thinks it is, but maybe you should practice doing it yourself with your hubby there as backup. Hopefully you'll be doing this for quite a few weeks and if he's not available to do it every single day then you can do it on your own.
Dude, you are brave. Blood on top of the scary pio, wow. Sorry I haven't commented, I tried so many times last time and I couldn't! Grrrr. I need to go read you last post, sounds like your pupo!
Oh ok, not pupo yet but very soon! Good luck.
Wait until Hubby has to give it to you in the arse! I'm sorry to tell you that it doesn't get any better.
Until you get that BFP result that is! :)
Want me to send you my little monkey hat - I had to focus on it when I was getting that shot to take the "edge" off.
Hugs.
Ohh so sorry about that miserable shot...Hope it gets better.
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