Well, to say it has been an emotionally draining week would be a serious understatement. I had so much hope going into this cycle….we waited 2.5 long years to move forward with IVF, and 4 long months after starting our IVF to have our transfer. Our embryologist gave us an 80% chance for success with the embryos we were using. He even said “I don’t think you guys are going to have any problems conceiving with these embryos.” We had so much hope, we thought this was finally going to be it for us. On the day of transfer both of us had never been happier to get the news of our great embryos and to finally put them inside my uterus. But, here I am at the end of the long 2 week wait and I am not pregnant. We found out that we had a chemical pregnancy (i.e. a very early miscarriage.) My first beta at 9dp5dt (on Saturday) was a positive but a low positive (I didn't get this news until this morning.) I didn't say anything here, but I was getting positive pregnancy tests starting on Friday afternoon, and got 2 more positives on Saturday, before I got a negative on Sunday. Our second beta at 12dp5dt (today) was a 3.
We just don’t understand why we fell into the 20% and not the 80%. I know this is a question that will probably never get answered, so I know it is not healthy to dwell and obsesses over it. The best thing to do is set our sights on the 5 remaining embryos we have. Our plan is to do another transfer at the end of June and then hope one of those is “the one.” My WTF appointment is scheduled for Thursday.
We’ve decided not to get nearly as emotional invested in our next cycle. We partially blame ourselves for getting so excited, for really thinking this was going to work. We were up in the clouds, and that is a long way to fall…the fall hurt terribly. DH doesn’t even want to see pics of the embryos in June, he just wants to transfer them, forget about it and then go in for the blood test 2 weeks later to find out the outcome. I don’t blame him. It is easier to work through the grief if you don’t think about how much you want this, how exciting it is, and that it actually might work. If it does…we’d be thrilled. If not, I think we’ll be able to pick up the pieces a bit easier. Next time I will not pee on any sticks, as I think it just exacerbated my obsessing. My plan is to just do the transfer and then try my hardest not to think about it…no obsessing, no googling, no forums, no peeing on sticks.
We are doing a bit better now….the test on Sunday helped us start working through our grief. It was the worst day of my life, I couldn't stop crying. I know that is part of the process though. I am working through the pain, having my periodic crying spells, but will hopefully be able to bounce back soon. Some moments I think I can get through this, some moments I am completely awash in anguish and pain, and wonder how I can try again. We just want our life back. We want to be able to conceive, move on with your life together with our children, and be able to LIVE again like we did before we started this process. The pain is only part of the grief, we are also grieving the life we used to have...the life we'd do anything to have back.
I will be taking some time off from the blogesphere (unless something pressing happens, or I just have to get something off my chest!)...this is not because I don't love each of you dearly, but because I need some time to grieve, mourn, pick up the pieces and try to find my happy state again. I need to know that I can be me again....the Krista who is not going through infertility. I just didn't realize how much this cycle not working would affect me and I really need some time. Anyone is free to email me during the break...you all know where to find my email address...feel free to use it.
Before I close I want to thank each and every one of you who gave me tremendous amounts of support through this cycle...which ended up being a 4 month long cycle! If you don't know how much I appreciate you...well then read my post from last week and you'll know! Thanks to my real life friends who have been sending me messages of support and love...I've been getting them and I appreciate them.
Sending much love and baby dust to you all.....
43 comments:
Oh man. Knowing now that you first got a positive, then it turned negative, just makes it so much harder. I can't imagine how you're feeling. I hope you find some comfort in knowing how many people out there are feeling pain for you today. I'm so sorry this cycle ended the way it did. When you try again in June, I'll be there for you again. Until then, take care of and be easy on yourself. There's no rhyme or reason to infertility, and you can't blame yourself. It's just shitty and unfair.
Hang in there! Have you thought of doing PGD with the remaining embryos to make sure that they are chromosomally normal? It is just a thought. I can't imagine what you are dealing with. But hang in there! Sending lots of prayers and healing your way!
Krista, I am soooo sorry for your loss! I am devestated that things didn't turn out different! Only God knows why!? But hang in there, God has a plan for you! Take all the time off you need to grieve! We'll be here when you come back! Hugs!
I am so sorry about your chemical! :( it just plain sucks.
I like your plan for the next cycle it sounds like a healthy approach. You need to protect you and that is understandable. I wish you a healthy grievance period, and know you will come out stronger than ever. You guys are going to make great parents one day! Keep your chin up and look towards the future!
Krista, I am so sorry. I was so hopeful for you, too. I am glad that you are taking time to grieve and find yourself again. It is so easy to get lost in treatments and the emotions of infertility. So easy to forget that we are people, not infertiles. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and DH.
I'm really sorry! This sucks!!!! Hang in there babe!
I had a chem 2 cycles ago. I hope u r ok. I swore I'd never poas too early ever again. Never poas before u r late!!! Save your self some heartache ladies! I have decided to back off too, we tend to take on others issues when we support. Always send my love and a pair of Ants's positive Peggy pants for next FET..xo
Krista, I'm heartbroken to read this. This is exactly what happened to my friend. I'm sorry, I don't have too many words, I know it hurts and it will take time to heal. My prayers are that one of the 5 remaining will become your sweet little one, very very soon.
Oh ohn. I am so sorry and I understand your heartbreak so well. the periodic crying. the wondering why you fall in the wrong percentage group. take all the time off you need. i took nearly all of March off before I started feeling human. It's ok. Sending you lots of love and support and big fat beautiful kisses for a beautiful girl. xoxoxoxo
Oh Krista I am so sorry you are going through this. You certainly don't deserve it (not that anyone does). You take all of the time you need...I've taken time off before, most of us have. This is a great place for support but it can be hard at times. Email me if you need to talk.
xoxo
Krista I'm so sorry honey...take all the time you need and I hope you will eventually feel refreshed and ready to go again...take care and lots of love and good thoughts coming your way xoxo
Oh Krista, what an awful, heart-breaking journey you've been on. I'm thinking of you as you recover and recuperate and will be hoping for the very best for your next cycle xx
Krista, I am so sorry to hear of your chemical pregnancy. Seeing that positive turn into a negative must have just been heartbreaking. I understand your need to take a break. Take all the time you need to grieve and rest and recover. Look after yourself. xx
I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
I am so sorry Krista. I hope and pray for your miracle in June. Will be thinking of you...
take all the time you need. We will be here for support and ready with open arms if/when you return.
xoxo
I am so sorry Krista. I completely understand needing to remove yourself from all things IF.
I hope you can get back to you and focus on the positive things in life, but I know that will be so hard to do.
I will be thinking of you and sending out hugs.
I hurt for you. Enjoy your time off - treat yourself to some of your favorite things, spend some quality time with the ones you love, and maybe have a glass of wine. ;) We will welcome you back with open arms whenever you decide to return.
So sorry for what you are going through Krista. I know how hard it is and we will all be here for you when you are ready to come back! I'll be thinking about you!
Oh hun I am so sorry. Take all the time you need.
x
Krista, I'm so sorry. You have every right to be devastated.
Sending big squishy hugs.
BAH! I'm so sorry. I had a chemical with IVF #1, while I know you don't want to have the journey I have had I want you to know the fact that you had a chemical does mean you got PREGNANT which is a very good sign for future success. We'll be here with your for you FET but definately be good to yourself and take a break. Much love and hugs!
Hun I am so sorry to here that, I am sending many <> As much as we try, we put all our hopes and dreams in cycles and it hurts when it fails. I am super excited for your FET though. Give yourself plenty of time and when your ready....we will be here!
Sending you much love, thoughts, and prayers Krista. I'm so sorry. An early loss is no less of a loss. I can't begin to know all that you are feeling, having put four months and so much of yourselves and your hope into this.
Our early loss from just a one month cycle absolutely devastated me. I felt exactly what you are describing... completely crushed from such a long, hard, and unexpected fall... putting myself back together only to fall to pieces. Feeling furious that I invested so much hope and just when I embraced that life, I lost it. I kept blogging, but I censored a lot of the grief that I was feeling.
I completely understand your desire for a break. This takes so much out of us... out of our hearts, our souls, our bodies, our selves. Please take care of yourself. I will be thinking of you all the way, praying and sending support. Please feel free to email me at any time, no matter how much anger, frustration, or sadness... you need support for the hard times, too, and I'm here if you want a listening ear.
I hope these weeks help you to feel refreshed and renewed as you nourish those parts of yourself that tend to fade against this struggle. We'll be waiting here for you when you get, and sending love until then...
So Sorry to hear this one wasnt the one for you. But as you say, you have another 5 embryos, and I really have high hopes that one of those is your baby. take care and look after yourself
Dearest Krista... I'm so sorry to hear - my heart goes out to you and must have been even more devastating to have an initial positive. This journey is so hard... but IVF and being PUPO makes all the emotions so much more intense. Completely understand your decision to step-back from blogging... know that I'm here for you and will email you too. Love to you always my gorgeous friend. I wish I could give you a big hug... feel so distant here. Love to you always xoxo
I'm so sorry, honey. I've been there, too. You're exactly right about it hurting falling from the clouds. I also know there are no words that I can say that will make you feel better, but know that I am thinking about you and wishing you the best on your next attempt. Praying for comfort and peace. ((Hugs))
Praying for you!
Oh no! I am so sorry. Sending you lots of love.
Oh my friend....there are no words.
I am so so sorry.
I am so sorry hon. Take all the time you need to step back and rest.
I wish I could say something to help but I just feel at a loss for words. I'm so sorry for the outcome and for your pain. A million hugs to you today...
xo
I had one too last week. It's the most painful experience. Everyday I have to make a conscious effort to not get sucked into depression and despair. It is def an effort. The scar will always remain but all I can do is face each morning w just a little bit of hope for the day to come. Just one day at a time.
I was so saddened to read this. I am sorry, friend. Praying for comfort for you and your hubby.
I'm so sorry, Krista!
Take all the time away that you need and know that we are all thinking about you. We will be here to love and support you whenever you are ready to share your journey with us again.
(((HUGS))) to you and your hubby!
I'm so sorry Krista. I wish we were both in different shoes right now. In time, you will hopefully see that a chemical is at least a good sign that things can start to happen in your body. But I do know how earth shattring this is. You go there in your mind and think, yeah.. this is it... this is going to work and this nightmare will be over.. Big hugs and bigger glasses of wine :-)
I am so, so sorry for this and for the pain you are feeling. Take all the time you need to grieve. We are all thinking of you even while you take some time away from blogging. Wishing you peace and comfort.
Krista - There are not words to describe how you are feeling. I know unfortunately from experience. Take all the time you need to regain your strength. But rest assured, you will get your strength back. You will get through this and YOU WILL be a mom soon. One of those 5 is just waiting patiently for the best gift ever...YOU! Sending love.
I gave you an award. :-) Enjoy!
Joey
http://thechildlessmom.blogspot.com
Ugh, my heart is broken into a million pieces for you and your husband. I can't even imagine how devastating that must have been to go through. :( *HUGS*
Krista, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you peaceful thoughts.
Oh Krista! Don't think i'm not sad1 Of course I am. And dissappointed! And fighting the desire to just check out of life for a while. But I can't. I think part of the reason I can't really break all the way down is that I know too many women now who took 3 or 4 ivf/fet's to get a baby....and i'll feel like a brat if I pout extensively about my one try. (peer pressure) the other thing is that i don't know anything about those babies. If they would have been strong enough to make it the whole 9 months or if they had some problems. Obviously I'll never know now...but I'm just going to keep the perspective that they weren't supposed to be here in the divine order of things. Because that's the only way I can sleep at night. i'm here if you need anything or to talk. jaileah@gmail.com
I am new to your blog, but feel we are near the same place. We have been TTC for 2.5 years and just decided to move forward with IVF. We are in the middle of the cycle. I am so sorry the transfer didn't take...I can't imagine. :( my e-mail is phnx101@cox.net. I would like to be added when your blog goes private. <<>>
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