Logistics of going private....and more on my controversial decision

A few of you have expressed concern that you aren't very good at keeping up with private blogs. I just wanted to acknowledge that I completely understand. I realize that private blogs do not come up in the blogger news feed...which is kinda sad; I think blogger should change that.

For those of you who have expressed interest in continuing to follow my blog. I'll be sending out an email this weekend to the email address you've given me to invite you to continue to follow my blog. The real downside to going private (as I've mentioned) is that I will no longer show up in your news feed, so please save my blog address to your favorites and remember to check in on me every so often. While I am sad that I'll be somewhat out of the loop...hopefully my continued support of your blog will help you to remember to stop in and check on me. You guys all know it's been a bumpy, interesting, heartbreaking ride so far...and I don't anticipate anything changing soon. So stay tuned to channel Krista!

As I've stated...going private was not an easy decision, so please don't think I've taken this decision lightly. Many of you have made the wise decision not to tell real life friends and family about your blog. Many of you have expressed to me that you wish you wouldn't have told friends and family about your blog because now you have to sensor what you say and how you are really feeling on your blog. While it is true that I have censored myself to a certain degree due to real life friends reading my blog, I’ve still tried to be as open and honest as I can without possibly seriously offending anyone.  Sometimes that's hard because this is such an emotionally driven process, and you say things out of frustration, out of the unfairness of it all. People can take things personally when that was never the original intention.

Up until this past failed cycle, I really did think that it was good for real life friends to read my blog. I thought it would make the friendships stronger because they'd know what I was dealing with and what I was up against. However, I've realized over the past few weeks that with some friendships it has done the complete opposite of what I intended for it to do. It is unfair of me to continue to drag my friends through this journey when there is no end in sight. It is unfair for them to read this blog, know the details of what I am going through and then be expected to know how to respond, how to be a friend to me or what to say.  I don’t want friends to constantly feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me. While it IS difficult for me to see so many friends conceiving so easily, and it HAS become increasingly difficult for me to participate in pregnancy related events, I certainly do not want my friends to feel awkward around me or feel like I don't want to be a part of their lives. I just want this part of my life separate so that there is no question as to how I should get treated.  I don't want to be treated any differently then I ever have been.

I need this blog to mourn, fight, get angry, hope, vent about the unfairness of it all, grieve and then be able to return to my life outside of infertility.  I can no longer just survive....I need to live again.  And, I need to keep this journey separate from my everyday life as much as possible in order to live. 

Also, my husband does not support me leaving this blog open for everyone to read any longer. So, in order for me to keep this blog up as a way to document my journey and to connect with and fight along side other wonderful women, I have to go private. I hope that explains my decision a little better.

See you all on the other side!

Update: On Friday afternoon I got an unexpected call. The remaining tests came back from my WTF appointment, and they were NOT normal. We may have our answer guys...we may have our answer....