The calm after the storm and before the next.....

Hi Girls- I hope everyone is doing well. I've been thinking and decided that I didn't want to leave you all (for the time being) on such a Negative Nancy post, so I decided to put on my Positive Peggy pants and leave you on a positive post.

Before I start, I just wanted to say that my heart is going out to Wonder Woman, Kathleen, Erin and Shannon who, unfortunately are also dealing with chemical pregnancies this week. I also want to mention Kristen who has been a great support to me over the past few months, Kristen lost her pregnancy about a month ago at 11 weeks. If you haven't done so already, please go stop by their blogs and give them some love and encouragement.

So, after a very tumultuous week…..DH and I have come out of it believing that we are fighters. Yes, there is still a part of me that is devastated that our cycle did not work, but at the same time….I have faith that if we persevere… then we WILL win the fight against infertility.

I immediately went into another cycle once I stopped the progesterone support…I’m talking like the next day....AF was here, and even though I will spare you the details....it was a VERY difficult visit.  We had our WTF appointment with Dr. B on Thursday. I went into the appointment swinging, with my gloves on, a page full of questions from at least 2 days’ worth of googling researching trying to figure out why 2 perfectly beautifully blasts did not bring us a baby. In the end, I didn’t need my page of questions at all because Dr. B already knew what I was going to ask and answered them before I could even ask them. What it comes down to is that it was either a problem with the embryos or the uterus. Of course, the embryos looked perfect under a microscope, but we now find out (through my research and also from Dr. B) that not all perfect looking embryos are actually perfect, and on average 50% of them are chromosomally and/or genetically abnormal, therefore will not implant.

So then, where do we go from here?

Well, that day I had about 8 vials of blood taken to test for a plethora of things…..I didn’t catch them all…but the majority of them were for possible immune issues. I’ve been doing some research on immune issues, and found out that this could be a reason why embryos don’t/can’t attach to the uterus, so I was glad he immediately wanted to run these tests. Though, I am sure the tests will come back normal, I really want to rule this out before moving forward.  We are waiting on results, but either way…whether they come out perfect, or if they find an issue…we will be adding prednisone (and possibly lovenox) to my protocol for next transfer. If something comes out irregular, then Dr. B will add in whatever else needs to be there to make this work.

Dr. B is also seriously questioning whether or not I really have PCOS. He started analyzing all of my blood work after the cycle failed. He isn’t sure I have it because my cycles are regular, I’m a tiny little gal and my testosterone and glucose are within the normal range (on the verge of being too high, but still within okay limits.) I asked how I could possibly NOT have PCOS when my ovaries have the typical pattern (especially the left ovary,) my anti-mullerian hormone is really high AND I have 60+ antral follicles (this is a TON for those of you that are not aware…a ton!) He said he is thinking…..a hypothalamic disorder? I hope I got that right….I’m no expert. He said that he has seen women that are petite like me that have zillions of antral follicles which produce tons of eggs, and this is the issue. He also said that 30% of women with the PCOS pattern on their ovaries do not have PCOS. I think one of the blood tests was to check for a problem with my hypothalamus…but I’m not sure. Maybe he is still trying to work out his diagnosis in his head?

Then, I am going in for a hysteroscopy tomorrow to “scope out” my uterus.  This will check for possible endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, etc.  I’m wondering how well I’ll tolerate this procedure…but whatever it takes! I want to rule out as much as we can before moving forward again. If anything abnormal is found then the transfer would be put on hold to do a laproscopic surgery.

So, the plan is……I started another cycle of birth control on Saturday, then we'll find out what the blood tests reveal, then find out what the hysteroscopy reveals and then move forward from there. If all comes out fine then we’ll add in the prednisone, and do another transfer at the end of June.  The hope with doing that would be that it is possible that the 2 embryos that we transferred in April were not chromosomally and/or genetically normal, and that 1 or 2 of the embryos we will be transferring in June would be normal. If that fails….well then we’d leave the rest of the embryos in the freezer and definitely do a laproscopic surgery, and then move onto a fresh cycle. Of course, if we have to do another fresh cycle we’d be WAY more cautious with the meds and hope and pray that I don’t overstim. Also, if we have to go to another fresh cycle then we plan to genetically test all of the embryos. It may be possible that none or only a few of our embryos are normal, so we’d want to check before transferring.  Which, in a way I find comforting because then we would definitely be transferring two embryos that we know are normal, and it would be fun to know and choose the sex of the embryos we are transferring.....but, at the same time, I sure hope we don't have to go here.   DH is already getting worried about doing genetic testing due to the high price tag…but hey, whatever it takes buddy! I told him…one step at a time, let’s get through the testing this week, let’s get through this next transfer and then we’ll worry about things from there.  One step at a time....

So, that’s where we’re out now. We’re trying to live right now….not just live to get through infertility, but live and actually enjoy life again. DH has really been trying to keep me busy and keep my mind off things which I really do think is helping.  We are trying to plan a lot of fun things to do over the next couple of weeks. We’ve even planned two small trips…one at the end of this month and one at the beginning of June….just to get away from all of this….breathe and not think about fertility. I am looking forward to both trips. I really need some time to focus on something else other than infertility. Over the weekend, I also started focusing more on my blessings...all of the wonderful things in my life that bless me each day, instead of focusing on the one thing that I don't have.  I am truly a blessed girl for many many many reasons.

So, while I love each and every one of you...I know that a break will do me some good. I hope you all understand why I need this, I will still be thinking of each and every one of you and wherever you are in your journey....

With that, I leave you all for now…..XOXO!!!