Update from the land of Krista

Holy Smokes!!! Thanks so much to all of you for sending me your email addresses (or leaving them here!) I had no idea how many of you would still want to follow me once I went private. The outpouring of love from everyone who still wanted to follow my journey was overwhelming. You guys SO bless me! Thank you!

I plan to go private this weekend...so if you haven't sent me your email address yet...please do it! My email address is schellkrista@yahoo.com, or you can leave me a comment here.  This will be my last update before I go private.

Many of you have been emailing asking how I am doing, so I thought I'd go ahead and put up an update today. I do feel like I have a lot to tell you all since I haven't updated in awhile.  It has really been a tough few weeks for us....we've had so many ups and downs...a lot of downs, but there has been some ups too, and the two of us are surviving and honestly...that's all I can ask for right now.  We are working on how best to support each other through this process....this is something that is painful yet needed. There has been some rough spots, but the rough spots have led to a better understanding of each other's needs, so I know they are necessary. Our marriage is growing stronger through the pain and I can't help but feel blessed by that.

DH and I have also realized that when you go through really difficult things in life...you come to a lot of realizations...both positive and negative. Even though there has been a lot of negative realizations...I think it has been very good that I know them now, even if the initial realization is painful. One of my mottos in life has always been to surround myself with people who make me feel good and lift my spirits, rather than hurt me or make me feel bad, and that motto couldn't be more important than right now. I've met so many amazing women through this process, and that helps get me through not only the journey, but also through the painful realizations that this journey inevitably brings. I would like to give a couple of quick shout-outs. One to my girl, Niki N...thanks for helping get me through this past weekend, my darling....my prayers are always with you and that sticky baby you have in there! And my Carlin....my "rock" friend, who is there when things are both rooty tooty and really shitty. And lastly, my best friend, Michelle who has been by my side for the past 15 years....your unending love of me and my life is more then I deserve...even on my best day.

My update is that I had my hysteroscopy on the 10th. I’m not gonna say it was an easy procedure, because frankly….it wasn’t too much fun. I didn’t know what to expect, I was really nervous going into the appointment. I thought the procedure was going to be with Dr. B so I was prepared to talk to him about the left ovary pain I’ve had for a year and a half that no one can seem to figure out what it is. I feel like I’ve learned to live with it for so long that I hardly ever bring it up anymore. However, right before that appointment I realized that it is worst when I am on my period (because I had just been on it,) so I decided to talk to Dr. B about it. Unfortunately, Dr. S was doing my procedure, but I decided to talk to him about it anyway. He immediately decided to get me out of the hysteroscopy chair and into the ultrasound room to check my ovaries for anything funny (mind you, I was already naked from the waist down and the ultrasound room is down the hall, fun stuff? oh yes.) Just as I expected…the ovaries look perfect…nothing abnormal there. I’ve had them checked numerous times in the past year and a half and nothing is ever found (I’ve even had an abdominal CT scan.) Dr. S thought it would be best to talk to Dr. B about it, though he did say that he had no reason to believe the pain would inhibit me from conceiving. He thought it could possibly be a small spot of endo on my ovary which would not be detected by ultrasound. So, my next step would be a laparoscopic surgery to see what is there…if anything. But, again he said I should talk to Dr. B about it….he said it’s more of a pain issue than a fertility issue. Once I tracked down Dr. B, he too said he doesn't see this as something that will inhibit us from conceiving, but would be open to investigating it through a lap if I so choose. So….I don’t know what the right decision would be. I am tabling it for now and will deal with it again when I am ready.

Anywho, they put my bottom half WAY up in the air and started the procedure….I did not like it. He numbed up my cervix and the numbing medicine made me immediately dizzy (which he warned me would probably happen,) so I had to get hooked up to oxygen…whoopee! Then, in the scope went, I could feel it moving around taking pictures of the inside of my uterus. It only lasted for about 5 minutes. The worst part was the cramping, they expand your uterus with gas so it feels like a constant cramp. I was GLAD to have that procedure over with! Of course, my uterus is A+! It was cool to see the pics of the inside of the uterus....she looks good! When I talked to Dr. B about it later he said my uterus is "perfect."

My blood work for immune issues that I had done at my WTF appointment came back (most of it)…to be honest, DH thought I was crazy but I really hoped that something would come back showing something wrong. I'm sure many of you can understand WHY I hoped for this. After TTC for nearly 3 years now with no real explanation as to why we haven't conceived, and not a damn thing wrong with either of us....I pray for something to be found so that we'd at least have some answers and something to treat instead of shooting darts in the dark. But thus...the blood tests did not give us any indication as to why the transfer failed.  The only thing that was found was the MTHFR mutation, which from what I understand is pretty common and should not affect implantation of an embryo. This could, however pose a problem when/if I get pregnant. MTHFR stands for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. This is an enzyme that is involved in amino acid metabolism in the body. Mutations in the MTHFR gene affects how a person's body processes homocysteine, an amino acid found in the blood. People with MTHFR gene mutations have elevated levels of homocysteine, which is a potential risk for miscarriage. Also, people with MTHFR gene mutations can have a decreased ability to metabolize folic acid and other B vitamins, which means I will definitely need to increase my intake of B vitamins and folic acid. My RE also told me that the MTHFR mutation could potentially be an indicator of a cardiovascular problem, so I will have to have some more testing before we can move forward.

However, this still doesn’t explain why two perfect blastocysts did not make it. The equation just doesn’t add up to me:

Nothing wrong with me + transferring of two beautiful blastocysts = No Baby

I think one of the most difficult things for me to realize in all this is that this is all completely out of my control. I have absolutely no control over the outcome and there’s not a dang thing I can do to make sure we have success. I hate the feeling of being completely out of control over something I want so bad. The one and ONLY thing we do have control over is continuing to try until we have success.

Remember to send me your email address if you haven't yet!