Where we are at......

After hubby and I met with the RE on Monday afternoon, we had a good talk Monday night. He asked if I was okay with doing one more round of clomid….I guess I am. We decided that if this does not work, then we'd be willing to do two rounds of the menopur (injectables that directly stimulate the ovaries to make follicles.) If and then that does not work, we are going to move onto in-vitro fertilization. The only downside to IVF (well, I guess there is more then one downside, but this is a big one) is that our current insurance does not offer IVF. So, we are going to have to figure out if there is any insurance through hubby's work that covers any portion of IVF (it is between $10,000 and $15,000 per cycle,) then quit our existing insurance at the end of the year, and get new insurance in 2010, which means a new RE too. I am okay with this, but I am hoping that if this cycle of clomid does not work, that we'll be able to go right into two cycles of menopur (November and December.) If clomid doesn't work this month, and I have cysts at the end of the cycle, we'd have to skip treatment in November altogether. Which would mean, we'd only get to do one round of menopur (December) before starting a new insurance and RE. Which might mean that we'd have to wait a cycle or two with new insurance before doing another round of menopur, and then starting IVF a few cycles after that.

It is all so confusing and I'm trying not to make too many plans in the future, but it also helps me feel better to know there is a plan that hubby and I are both on-board with. There is so much to think about and pray about. I mostly pray that this will be our miracle month, and that we won't have to move onto menopur or IVF, but I stopped getting my hopes up a long time ago, so now the only thing that makes me feel better is…. a plan. Knowing there are still more options gives me a little peace of mind.

I am on CD 5 now, which means I will start the Clomid today, and take it through Sunday. This is the worst part of the cycle for me, because I hate the side-effects of Clomid. It is bearable, but I am always thankful when it is over. I will also start the estrogen suppository fun tomorrow…we are starting right into the higher dosage and starting earlier in this cycle. Cross your fingers that it thickens up the lining! I will go in for my blood work and ultrasound next Thursday, October 8th. I will find out then how my lining looks, how many follicles I have and if they are large enough to stimulate ovulation. I will have my next IUI on either the 10th or the 11th.

Please keep us in your prayers.....for now, I need prayer that I do not have another "clomid meltdown" like last month.

Another Cycle of Clomid :-(

Well, hubby and I had our phone conference with our RE this afternoon…..not good news. After I spoke to the nurse on Saturday....day 1 of my cycle, I got VERY excited because she mentioned that we were probably ready to move onto injectables (menopur.) I've been researching menopur, and it looks like a lot of women have had a lot of success with it. I was really looking forward to moving onto the next treatment, as clomid and IUI has obviously not worked wonders for me.

Well, RE informed us that they usually like to do 6 rounds of clomid with at least 4 of them being with IUI's before moving onto menopur with IUI's. Plus, he said we are too late to start menopur this month…..dang! I guess you have to come in right when your cycle starts to check for any cysts on the ovaries. If there are no cysts, then you start the menopur on cycle day 3. So, since today is cycle day 3 for me….we are too late. I am VERY disappointed but there is nothing I can do. He also said if we want to start menopur next month, it might be a good idea to take this month off (of the clomid,) since cysts are a side-effect of clomid. They like to start the menopur after a month off of clomid, for less of a chance that there are cysts. I feel like I have the devil and the angel on my shoulder.

Devil: Just do another round of clomid, this could be your month!!! Don't take the month off! Plus, if you don't get pregnant....there is a chance you may not have any cysts and you'll be able to start the menopur next month.

Angel: Just take the month off, the clomid probably won't work, and you'll need to do the menopur, so you don't want to get your ovaries all cysted up, and then be disappointed when you can't start the menopur next month.

I know what the RIGHT decision probably is (take the month off,) but that is not the easy decision. After trying for so long, taking an entire month off seems almost unbearable. That would mean, that I wouldn't even have another chance of becoming pregnant again until mid-November. Could I stand it? Probably not. I'm going to have to the clomid again and chance it.

Well, wish me luck with my 5th round of clomid and 3rd IUI, which will probably end up the same as the others, but what's a girl to do?

AF is here....

Well, it's official.....I am NOT pregnant! I knew that AF would probably come today, since she came exactly 15 days after my IUI last month. I thought if she was coming, then I would have started spotting yesterday. I kinda got my hopes when when I didn't start spotting sometime during the day. I even went and bought a HPT on my way home from work and told my husband that we would take the test in the morning if AF hasn't arrive yet. I know he got excited too....all these months of waiting, would this possibly be the month it might have finally happened for us!?

Well, last night as I was straightening up the house, I started getting cramps really badly. Right before bed, I went to the bathroom and there was a tiny bit of blood on the toilet paper. My heart sank through the bottom of my feet. I just sat there for a few minutes, unable to move, trying not to cry, trying not to lose it. I didn't say anything to my husband, I just couldn't. More then my own pain, I HATE disappointing and hurting my husband.

Throughout the night, the cramps got worse, and when I woke up this morning....AF was here. My husband got up early to go to a conference, and I did not get up. I knew if I did, he'd ask if AF had come, if I was going to take the test, etc. I think maybe he knew not to ask since I did not get up. The first day of AF's visit is always the hardest....all of the hopeful feelings that you had during your 2WW are completely crushed, and you know that another month has passed you by, and that it will be another month before you have any chance of your dreams coming true.

I need to call my RE's office a little later today and ask what our next course of action is. I'm not even sure how many times they try IUI before sending you on your way. It's frustrating trying this month and month, throwing our money down the toilet, and coming up with nothing. I really am ready to move onto IVF, but I don't want to bring it up with my husband again, I need to wait for the right time. I just can't keep waiting and waiting and waiting, and doing these ineffective procedures.

PMS

Well, I am 12 DsPO/IUI. I am supposed to get a visit from AF either Thursday or Friday....so 2-3 more days. The wait is the WORST! I’ve been having very weird symptoms. I usually don’t get PMS symptoms until I am about 2 days from my AF visit, then I just get that “menstrual” feeling in my uterus, and then I start getting cramps the first day of AF’s visit. This month seems to be a bit different. I’ve been cramping on and off since 5-6 DsPO. They went away for a few days and then came back about 8-9 DsPO. About that time I also started feeling HORRIBLY moody, irritable and just plain menstrual and PMSy. I “lit into” my hubby for not having my coffee ready in the morning….something that is NOT characteristic of me at all!

I’ve also still been feeling much more sensitive to smells, and very hungry all the time. Even when I eat, I am hungry again....very strange. Everything else seems to be in-line with a visit from AF, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up. Like I said, I’ve been feeling very menstrual and PMSy for about a week, with the cramping and menstrual feeling getting more intense as the days go on. So, I’m sure I’ll get my monthly visit at the end of the week.

It’s all very confusing because I’ve been reading that PMS/AF symptoms are very similar to pregnancy symptoms, but I don’t know HOW similar. Are the symptoms just similar (i.e. cramping,) or do you feel the same way when you have PMS as when you are pregnant? I guess I won’t ever know until I am actually pregnant and know what that feels like.

The wait continues……Sigh......

Two Week Wait Sucks!!

Well, it is officially one week into my 2WW…..one week since my 2nd IUI. I am trying to still have hope, but it does get difficult at times. On 5 and 6 DsPO/IUI….which would be days 21 and 22 of my cycle, I felt some light cramps in my uterus. I thought for sure that meant that my period was right around the corner, but the cramps seem to have subsided. I’m not getting my hopes up because I am still having that “my period is right around the corner/Menstrual” feeling. That feeling that is hard to explain, perhaps a feeling of heaviness or a sensation in the uterus....that starts right before before your period does. Ugh!

Other then that, there hasn’t been much to report. I’ve been constipated for the last few days, which is not very exciting. I feel bloated because of it, and my pants are super tight and I feel very uncomfortable! I haven’t been feeling exactly nauseous, but certain smells have made me gag a few times this week. I never want to make more out of what I am feeling because I’ve been disappointed so many times in the past. Plus, with that “my period is right around the corner/Menstrual” feeling that I’ve been having, it makes me weary to get my hopes up.

It’s a strange feeling between that “I don’t want to get my hopes up because I’ve been disappointed so many times before,” and “It’ll never happen if I think it won’t, so I should always think it is going to happen each month.” How do you find the balance between the two? I’ve tried not to be obsessive like I was last month...googling every little thing and spending countless hours on the internet trying to decipher my symptoms, and comparing myself to another’s experiences. I know it’s not healthy, so I’ve been resisting the urge.

If you are reading this....please cross your fingers for me. AF should be here by the 25th. But, if she's coming, I will get heavy cramping by the 23rd, and spotting by the 24th. The only thing I can do is hope....

Hope

Well, yesterday was the big day…..the second IUI. Everything went very well yesterday, however leading up to yesterday....nothing went right!! I had to go get a second blood test on Tuesday morning to make sure I was not having an LH surge on my own. The blood test went fine, and I waited for one of the nurses at the RE’s office to give me a call with my results. The nurse called in the afternoon to inform me that I was not having an LH surge, and that I should do the hCG shot that evening, and then come in on Thursday morning for the IUI.

Well, that night started everything not going right. I mixed the hCG shot and then called my husband to give it to me. Well, we couldn’t remember how to get the solution from the little bottle into the syringe. We kept putting the needle in and taking it out of the little rubber stopper on the bottle. My husband FINALLY remembered that you had to turn the bottle upside down to get the solution in! So, we finally got the solution in the syringe and prepared for the shot. Well, I guess we had dulled the needle while trying to get the solution in and my husband couldn’t get the shot in my butt! He just kept poking me with it! Ouch! Plus, I don’t think he was using as much force as he should have been....probably afraid to hurt me, but he was only hurting me more by not just doing it! We decided to switch out needles, and then he was finally able to get it in. The shot seemed to go fine, but at the end he said that a bunch of blood came into the syringe. Great! What does THAT mean? I figured he must have it a blood vessel. I felt okay, so I tried not to worry about it.

The next day at work, I asked one of my co-workers who is a nurse about the blood in the syringe, and she said that my husband probably nicked a vessel at the end, but that it was okay. She also offered to do my shot next time (if there is a next time,) which I thought was very nice.

That night, while I was on my way home from work, I was thinking about the next morning. We had to be at the lab downtown by 7am, so I knew we’d have an early day. As I was pulling into my neighborhood, suddenly I remember something! The nurse had not given us a specimen cup to put the semen into the next morning! Oh my gosh, I thought....what am I going to do! My head started spinning. I quickly turned my car around and started heading to the nearest Kaiser office. I called the RE’s office and left a message. It was already 5:40, so I knew there would be no answer. I knew the Kaiser office was open until 6pm.....I had 20 minutes to get to the next town!!!! I don’t remember much about the drive over……I was in a hot frenzy!!! The traffic was terrible because it was still rush hour, and there was TONS of road construction going on! It was the worst 20 minutes of my life....my heart was racing, my mind was blurry, I was “this close” to slamming my car into the back of the cars in front of me that were going so damn slow!! I just kept thinking....does this mean the IUI is cancelled?! I can’t imagine going through all this just to have to cancel it? What are we going to do? I was a royal mess!!!

I finally pulled (okay screeched in on two wheels) into the Kaiser parking lot minutes before 6pm. I ran through the parking lot and through the lobby to the lab....luckily, the girl who had done my blood draw the morning before was at the desk. Thank goodness!!! She gave me the sterile cup and I was on my way…… I got a call from one of the nurse’s on my way home who told me that if that happens again, I could always use a clean glass jar. Errrrr, well THAT's very good to know!

The next morning, hubby and I were up at 5am. We got ready for the day, and at 6:15, we left the house....sperm in hand! What a trooper hubby is! We got to the lab by 6:50and waited around until 7:45 for the sperm to be processed. At 7:50 we were heading up to the RE’s office. The IUI happened at 8am sharp, and we were out of the office my 8:15! The IUI was MUCH easier this time. The catheter went it much easier...which I was thankful for!

I am thankful that the IUI was behind us. It was definitely a stressful couple of days!! I could feel that I was ovulating yesterday while I was work, so I was glad the timing was right. Two of my co-workers prayed with me in the afternoon...it was awesome!! I haven’t told a ton of people of what we are going through, but I have told a few co-workers since I see them everyday, and I know that they notice the ups and downs in my moods. I am thankful to have such awesome Christian women that I work with, that care about me, and want to pray for me. It is very touching, and helps more then they’ll ever know.

Hubby and I had to "Baby Dance" that night, and we cheered his sperm on! “Come on guys....find the egg!!!” Oh how I hope it will “take” this time. I am praying my little heart out!!!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Labor Day

Well, as the rest of the world was peacefully sleeping on this beautiful Labor Day, I myself was up at the butt crack of dawn. I was on the road, driving into my RE's office downtown by 7am. I had my blood drawn at 7:30 am to check to see if I as having an LH surge (I wasn't,) and then off to the office for some ultrasound (aka: "wanding") fun.

Unfortunately, it does not appear that we are ready for the hCG trigger shot today, so will not be getting our 2nd IUI on Wednesday morning, as I had hoped. I'm a LITTLE disappointed, but not too bad.

My RE said that he likes to see follicles at 20 millimeters before doing the hCG trigger shot. I had two follicles on the left side that were about 18 millimeters, and then several on the right side that were around 10 millimeters. Also, my uterus lining was still a little thin. He said he likes to see it at least 6 millimeters, and mine was only about 4 millimeters.

So, the plan now is to go back to the lab bright and early tomorrow morning, to check to see if I am having an LH surge. Then, my RE's office will call me with the results and let me know if we can do the hCG trigger shot tomorrow night. More then likely, that's what will happen. Then, we will go in for our IUI on Thursday morning.

So, even though everything has been put off for one day, I am okay with that. I want to make sure my follicles are big enough and my lining is thick enough before we jump into our next IUI. My RE also upped my dosage of the estrogen, to try and thicken up my lining. So, I thought I only had one more day of estrogen suppository fun, but it turns out, I'll have another week or so of it. Sigh....

I am trying to hold out hope that this will be our month. I'm feeling positive, but trying not to get my hopes up, as I have done so many times before.

So Many many things can go wrong!

I found this information today and thought it was interesting. I’m not sure if it gives me hope (knowing there a million things that could go wrong, so maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with me,) or makes me feel worse that there are so MANY things that have to fall perfectly in place before a pregnancy can even happen!

There are probably hundreds of "causes" of infertility. What this means is that there are a lot of things that have to happen perfectly in order to conceive and have a baby.
As an overly simplified example of the science involved:

The hormones that stimulate egg development must be made in the brain and pituitary and be released properly
The egg must be of sufficient quality and be chromosomally normal
The egg must develop to maturity
The brain must release a sufficient surge of the LH hormone to stimulate final maturation of the egg
The follicle (eggs develop in structures called follicles in the ovaries) must rupture and release the follicular fluid and the egg
The tube must "pick up" the egg
The sperm must survive their brief visit in the vagina, enter the cervical mucous, swim to the fallopian tube and "find" the egg
The sperm must be able to get through the cumulus cells around the egg and bind the shell (zona pellucida) of the egg
The sperm must undergo a biochemical reaction and release their DNA package (23 chromosomes) into the egg
The fertilized egg must be able to divide
The early embryo must continue to divide and develop normally
After 3 days, the tube should have transported the embryo down into the uterus
The embryo must continue to develop and expand into a blastocyst
The blastocyst must hatch out of its shell
The endometrial lining of the uterus must be properly developed and receptive
The hatched blastocyst must attach to the endometrial lining and "implant"
Many more miracles in early embryonic and fetal development must then follow...

A weak link anywhere in this chain will cause failure to conceive

AND that doesn't even take into account the process of "doing it" on the right day, and making sure the sperm is in the fallopian tube during those 12 hours of the egg being released!!

It's been a long and difficult 5 days.....

Today is my last day of taking the clomid....I am thankful for that. Since the RE has upped the dosage of my clomid, it has made me very irritable, fatigued, emotional and very headachy. I’m hoping after today, that I can feel like I am getting my feet on stable ground again. The last 5 days, everything feels so scary. Yesterday I spent some time looking at other women’s infertility blogs, I found on more then one occasion, that women were saying that IUI is basically useless and not helpful in the least bit.....doesn’t exactly give me the warm fuzzies…I’ll tell you that much. Are we just throwing our money, our time, our emotions into something that isn’t even going to work? I can’t help but wonder.

I started thinking that maybe we should consider IVF sooner rather then later. So, I brought up the possibility of IVF to hubby last night…well that just caused a huge fight with crying and other craziness. He doesn’t feel we are even ready to start discussing the possibility of IVF. But, I just keep thinking....how many failed IUI’s are we willing to have? How many disappointments? I see the statistics of each…less then 10% with IUI and as high as 60% with IVF. I want to just jump right into the IVF, knowing those statistics. I’m just not sure how many more failed cycles and disappointments I can handle.

After the "blow up," hubby called his best friend to tell him that I'd officially "lost it." I think he was just waiting for me to really lose it. I don't even care....I mean, aren't we infertiles allowed to lose it every once in awhile?

Slowly going....crazy

I heard one woman say that going through infertility treatments is like slowing going….crazy. It is true. I feel so many things all at once. The desperation creeps into my mind daily, and I try to push it down so that I can function. It’s hard not to look back on your life and not ask “What did I do in my life to deserve this?" "Am I a bad person?” “Why cannot I have what every other woman has?” “What can I do or change to make this happen?” That is one of the most difficult things of all of this…..realizing that you are helpless. There is NOTHING you can do. You are helpless to the science, the odds, the statistics and just plain luck, none of which seem to be all that positive right now.

I am on day 8 of my September cycle. I have one day left of clomid, and I just started up the oh so fun estrogen suppositories. How do I feel? Pretty emotional, moody, a little headachy but mostly tired. I am scheduled to have my blood and ovaries checked this coming Monday.....day 13, and hopefully my next IUI on Wednesday, day 15.

I know that I should be hopeful and positive, but I don’t feel that way at all. I feel angry, scared, broken and desperate. I know it is not good to feel this way, but I can't seem to shake myself out of this blah mood. When I think about spending time with friends, it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to have to put on a happy cheery face, and I just don’t want to deal with the questions. I want to be left alone to my self pity. I don’t want to hear about how many friends are pregnant, and I don’t want to see fun pictures of friends’ new babies. Will it ever happen for US?