Life on Hold

I know I have mentioned this before, but I will mention it again. There are MANY MANY downsides to being infertile. I think I spelled things out pretty well in this post. Now, that we are starting IVF, I’m sure there will be EVEN MORE downsides to look forward to…yay! One of the biggest things that is bugging me right now is just not being able to plan my life.

For those of you that know me, you know that I am a planner. I LOVE to plan things! I love to plan events, parties, my weekends, vacations, my life…..I know, I know…..I am in the wrong profession, I know this. In high school, I planned all of the dances, in college I planned numerous events. As an adult, I’d plan a party every month if DH would let me. Since he doesn’t, I have to settle for planning our life. I plan our weekends, what we are going to buy at the store, his Christmas gifts (oh yeah….mine too!,) what we are going to pack for vacation, appointments, who is taking care of our dog the following week, okay…the list could go on and on and that’s not even the point I am trying to make here.

The point is…that since I have started fertility treatments, my planning of my life has really go downhill. This is not to say that I have stopped trying to plan my life, this is saying that it is nearly impossible to plan your life when you are going through fertility. First of all, you have to plan everything around your cycles so that you can be under the same roof at the “right” time. Then, if you are having treatment you have to plan appointments, pharmacy runs, medications, etc. Then, you are always thinking “what if”….what if we conceive this month, or next month, or the following month. We shouldn’t plan any big vacations because I COULD be pregnant and I COULD have morning sickness or something else that would hinder me from being able to enjoy a vacation.

That brings me to today….we are right smack dab in the middle of starting IVF. We have our trial embryo transfer, our sonohysterogram, our appointment with the embryologist, our IVF nurse consult to learn our protocol, the business office to pay, etc. etc. We have our estimated start date to start stimming (shots) of January 8th….about 3 weeks away. Because of all of this, we basically have to put our entire life on hold.

This brings me to what I really want to say……we can’t do anything that we’d love to be doing because we are going through infertility. We would have already bought a different home, bought me a new car, an RV, planned a few vacations for 2011 (DH is DYING to take a Caribbean cruise!.) DH is constantly looking at home, cars and RVs that we both want and can afford, but we both know will not be bought anytime soon. Not only do we have no idea how much $ we’ll truly be spending on IVF, but we have no idea how long we’ll be at it, and how it will affect our marriage and our life. I’ve had to turn down really exciting adventures with friends and co-workers in January because I have no idea what to expect once we start IVF….what will my stress levels be like, how much time will it take, how I will feel, etc.

I’ve had people tell me that I should just live my life normally while going through fertility treatment/IVF but what they don’t understand is that fertility treatment, IVF in particular is all-consuming. For those 6 weeks, you basically concentrate on nothing else…that IS your life. In addition to that, it would not be smart to buy a new house, or a new car, or plan a vacation when we have no idea if IVF will be 30k or 60k.

I guess I’m just having a moment of feeling sorry for myself. We had planned to buy me a new car this year, we had planned to sell our current home (of 6 years) and buy the “dream home,” this year, we would love to plan some vacations. But, instead we are going through…….this. I know in my heart that it will be worth it in the long run….when I am holding those babies in my arms. But, right now….I am frustrated with the whole thing. Frustrated that I have to put my entire life on hold for something that may or may not happen.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers!