Confessions

All of my postings since I started posting again have been a lot about the logistics of my journey, what happens next, what tests, what meds, etc. But, I don’t think I have yet touched on the emotional aspect of infertility....specifically, how I am feeling.

Most of you that know me in real life know that I am a very strong person. I’ve had my fair share of difficult things happen to me in my life, and I’ve overcome a lot. I believe it is these things that have challenged me and made me the strong woman I am today. Perhaps they were preparing me for my biggest challenge in life...infertility.

At the very start of this journey, I told myself that I would never become that sad, infertile woman that cries every time someone else becomes pregnant, or each time I see a pregnant woman or a newborn, or at each failed cycle. Throughout this journey I’ve watched my friends conceive, have their babies, some even lapping me by a few babies. Through it all, though it has been difficult on me, I have still read and listened to their pregnancy announcements and their pregnancy symptoms, I’ve looked at their baby bump pictures and ultrasounds, read and listened to their excitement, sent baby gifts, sent my congratulations, looked at their posted baby pics, held their babies, etc. Though, many times I thought one more pregnancy announcement was going to send me “over the edge,” it hasn’t…..I haven't let it. I have chosen to continue to be happy for others, give a hearty congratulations, not let it get me down, and keep moving forward, never missing a step.

Though I don't ever see myself becoming that person that cries or breaks down each time I see a baby or a friend gets pregnant, I think there has been times through this journey that I should’ve let myself feel how I needed to instead of holding it in and acting like I was fine and that things didn't bother me. Maybe through this journey I should have let more people in, told more friends how I was feeling, and not acted like I had it all together. Maybe I should have let my vulnerabilities show more. Maybe I should have let myself have that break-down....for however long I needed it, at each failed cycle, or just when I needed it.

For the most part; I don’t dwell on infertility, I don’t let it rule my life. I have a great husband, great friends, and great job with nice co-workers, we are financially stable, and I have everything I need. These are the things that I mostly focus on throughout my normal day.

However, there are certain times when I get very sad at the thought of the possibility of never being a mother….who wouldn’t in my shoes? I can get obsessive and do too much googling. I can over-think things and start worrying too much. I can feel very sad and overwhelmed. I can get scared. The truth is:

-I don’t have it all together.

-I am devastated each time I hear that another friend is pregnant….this is never to say that I am not happy for someone….I always am. But, that doesn’t take away the fact that I am devastated for myself, and it is always a reminder of what I don’t have.

-Staying optimistic gets harder and harder with each passing failed cycle.

-I don’t know what the future holds for us. I try to stay optimistic, but there is no guarantee in the game of infertility.

-I don’t know if I could ever accept not having a child of my own flesh and blood. I am scared that I would live the rest of my life never full-filling what I wanted most….to make a baby that is half me and half DH. To be the mother of that child.

-I am scared that at some point DH may regret marrying me….someone that may never be able to give him the child that he wants and deserves.

-I worry that in the future that my awesome marriage may not be able to endure my pain, my sadness, our disappointment, the weight of our heartbreak. Would there ever be a time that that weighed so much that it outweighed our love for each other?

I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I don’t want pity. I just want you to know my fears and my struggles. I want you to know that this is the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. That's the truth...even when from the outside I look like I have it all together....I don't.