December

I can’t believe January is only one month away. I feel like DH and I have been talking about “starting IVF in January” forever! I guess I had always hoped that we wouldn’t have to go this route, that miraculously we’d conceive on our own and that when January rolled around….we’d already be pregnant. But, here we are….not pregnant and one month away from starting IVF.

DH and I have decided that if we qualify we are going to go with the “6 try/refund program.” Basically, this is a program where you pay one flat fee ($26k, for those wondering,) and then you get 6 “fresh” tries and 6 “frozen” tries (see below for explanation on that.) The flat fee does not include any of the initial testing, the stimulation meds, anesthesia for egg retrieval or freezing or storage of the embryos. So, we are looking at $40-60k total for all the cycles. Yes, I am currently taking cash donations (haha, jk!) If we don’t take a baby home after the 6 tries, then we’d get 70% of the $26k. So, we’d pay around $60k and get $18k back. It’s not a whole lot that you get back, but if we don’t go with this program, each cycle would be about 13k (not including stimulation meds or anesthesia.) We may or may not be successful with our first attempt. If we are not….and have to do more than one cycle, then the 6-try program makes it worth it. If we are successful our first try, we will lose money….but who really cares at this point? We want a baby…..we want a family. We’ve already planned on sinking at least $40k into this. We are hoping for lots of embryos to freeze, if we are successful, then we can use one of our frozen embryos and try for another baby as soon as we are ready again.

(For those interested in knowing the difference between fresh and frozen….basically the fresh tries give rise to multiple eggs (hopefully.) In the lab if those eggs fertilize and stay alive long enough to become blastocysts, then they can freeze those embryos for future use. It is not easy to get your embryos to the point where they can be frozen because in the lab the eggs have to fertilize, they have to stay alive and divide normally for 6 days, and be quality embryos before they can be frozen. Very few make it to this point. )

With all of that said, we are not even sure if we qualify for the refund program. There are multiple tests to complete and multiple hoops that you have to jump through. We’ve completed all of our blood work which were all good enough to qualify. We have to have a few more tests…..another hysterosalpingogram where they shoot dye into your uterus and fallopian tubes. I’ve already had this done, but I have to have it done again to get current results. Once that is done….they will tell us whether or not we qualify. The odds are that we will qualify, so that is the good news. The frustrating part is that I have to repeat (and pay for) many of my tests since they are not current….most are about 12 to 18 months old.

Right now, we are waiting for my next cycle to start….in about one week. Then, we will schedule the following tests for December: hysterosalpingogram, trial transfer and sonohysterogram. We will have appointments with: our IVF nurse team and a financial counselor. We will start ordering our stimulation meds. December will be completely focused around preparing for IVF. Again, please start sending the prayers our way!

Our Chances

Well, unfortunately we were only able to BD the day before and the day after ovulation. A normal couple have about a 25% chance of conceiving each month, our chances have dropped to about 10% each month since we've been trying so long, then they drop to about 5% since my uterine lining is thin, then they drop to about 2% since I have PCOS, and since we didn't BD ON the day of ovulation our chances are about .5% this month. Again, I'm not being pessimistic....just being realistic. We are setting our sights completely on IVF now. Our chances go up to between 60 and 70% with IVF.....those are MUCH better odds and something we can actually hang our hats on.

I probably won't post again until we start the slew of IVF appointments in 2 weeks. We have all of our blood tests out of the way, most of the other appointments we can't do until my next cycle starts. December will be very busy month with a lot of tests and appointments! Please start the prayers!

Keeping busy while waiting on IVF.....

Well, I had my CD13 appointment with the RE today. It was pretty painless and uneventful. I had my ultrasound and had one big 21mm follicle on my left ovary. My uterine lining was only at 6mm….which isn’t great. They say a follicle above 16mm is mature, so I am okay there. But, it is ideal for the lining to be above 8mm. This is not to say that you can’t conceive when the lining is only at 6mm, but the chances are lessoned. The RE said that since there was a mature follicle that we should go ahead and trigger with hCG to induce ovulation. They usually don’t like the follicles to get too big because then they get overly ripened, and cannot be fertilized. So, the mature follicle needed to come out even if my lining still isn’t great. The RE said that my lining is trilaminar in shape which is the most important thing, the thinness probably won’t completely keep me from conceiving. So, instead of waiting and doing the hCG shot at home, we decided to have the nurse do it right there in the office. Let me tell you how weird it is to be completely buck naked from the waist down and standing there (with your husband watching,) having the nurse behind you giving you a shot in your butt! I guess at this point....nothing is awkward for me anymore!

I don’t know if this was the right decision or not. Should I have given it a day or 2 longer to see if the lining thickened up and maybe I would have more than one mature follicle? I don’t know. I guess I just kept thinking that this cycle is just one more month between the time we are starting IVF, so I just want to get it over with. There is nothing that is telling me that this month would be a success, considering that we’ve been down this same road before (see February 2010.) I just wanted to make it as easy as possible, and so it seemed just getting the hCG shot right then and there would be easiest. Rather than waiting another day, having blood tests, another ultrasound, a wait at the pharmacy, DH giving me the shot at home, etc. I just wanted to get it over with.

DH and I are now supposed to BD for the next 3 nights. We’ll see how that goes! For sure, we are supposed to BD tonight and tomorrow night. We’ll see how DH is feeling by day 3. I’m really not stressing much over this cycle, and unfortunately not holding out much hope either. It’s not that I am pessimistic, it’s just that conditions have been even more “optimal” than this in the past and we still didn’t conceive….so I’m just being realistic.

Giuliana and Bill Rancic

I've noticed a few other bloggers write about Giuliana and Bill Rancic and their struggles to start a family. Like us, Giuliana and Bill have been trying to start a family for a few years now, they took fertility drugs and tried a few cycles of IUI.....with no avail....just like us.

Giuliana and Bill tried one cycle of IVF earlier this year, it was a success but unfortunately they miscarried 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I've heard that they decided to go through with another cycle of IVF and should know if it was successful around Thanksgiving.

All of this has been documented on their TV show, Giuliana and Bill. I started watching the show just this season, but did recently catch a few other episodes from last season where they went through the initial IVF process.

I really admire both Giuliana and Bill. I feel like infertility has been taboo for so long, people just don't talk about it much. I know that a lot of celebrities have sought out IVF due to the inability to have children without it....but we NEVER hear about it. Not only has Giuliana opened herself up to actually talking about the subject, but she is actually letting the process and her personal journey be documented for a TV show. I think this is so awesome and I think is helping bring infertility to the light.....where it should be. There are literally millions of couples suffering with this as we speak. But infertility is like this underground problem that no one really talks about much, and because of that the rest of the world is completely in the dark as to what being infertile is like and what women go through to try and have a family.

The misconceptions about infertility amaze me everyday. Most don't know what the difference is between IUI and IVF....but why would they need to know? People look at IVF as not a "real" way of making a baby...one girl told me that someone asked her if her twins were "real" or "IVF babies." Wow! When I told my previous boss a few years ago they we were looking into fertility treatments to start a family, she said to me "oh you are going to be like Octo-Mom?!" People think infertile couples should just "get over it," or should just adopt, or should just accept that they will not start a family. Ask yourself....would you be okay with this if you were having difficulty starting a family? Or would you continue to do all it takes to have a family....a family you yearn for every day?

Because Giuliana and Bill have chosen to open themselves up like they are, perhaps this will bring a bit more awareness to the subject of infertility, what couples are going through....the physical and emotional aspects of infertility. What couples are truly putting themselves through in the quest to start a family.

Infertility is not taboo....it is real and so many women are struggling with it. I encourage anyone who loves or knows someone who is going through infertility, who is struggling to have and baby, who is going through the IVF process.....to learn more. How can you be a better friend? Can you learn more about the process? Can you learn how to support them? What are encouraging statements? What are discouraging and hurtful statements?

It is difficult for me to watch the G & B show. Mostly because it hits so extremely close to home....most of the time I know exactly how she is feeling. When she cries....I cry with her, when she celebrates, I celebrate with her, when she hurts, I hurt with her.

Thank you, Giuliana for opening your journey up to the rest of us.

A promotion....I must be crazy!

I’ve just accepted a promotion! I must be crazy for starting a brand new position while planning on starting the IVF process. However, I know at the same time that I have to live my life; I can’t put my life on hold. We’ve been at this for 2 ½ years and I know I wouldn’t be fair to myself if I didn’t accept this promotion, just because we are starting IVF, and I MAY get pregnant. I am really excited about the position, though it is going to keep me MUCH busier than I’ve been (maybe that’s a good thing?)

I officially start on December 6th. It is a great fit for me in a lot of ways…..I love the person I will be reporting to, and I am excited for the work I will be doing. I won’t go into detail because it would probably bore you, but this is definitely something I see myself doing as a long-term career. I’m excited to have finally found something that fits with my long term goals. I am nervous to learn a lot of new things, and to challenge myself in ways that I haven’t before, but….I up for the challenge!

Confessions

All of my postings since I started posting again have been a lot about the logistics of my journey, what happens next, what tests, what meds, etc. But, I don’t think I have yet touched on the emotional aspect of infertility....specifically, how I am feeling.

Most of you that know me in real life know that I am a very strong person. I’ve had my fair share of difficult things happen to me in my life, and I’ve overcome a lot. I believe it is these things that have challenged me and made me the strong woman I am today. Perhaps they were preparing me for my biggest challenge in life...infertility.

At the very start of this journey, I told myself that I would never become that sad, infertile woman that cries every time someone else becomes pregnant, or each time I see a pregnant woman or a newborn, or at each failed cycle. Throughout this journey I’ve watched my friends conceive, have their babies, some even lapping me by a few babies. Through it all, though it has been difficult on me, I have still read and listened to their pregnancy announcements and their pregnancy symptoms, I’ve looked at their baby bump pictures and ultrasounds, read and listened to their excitement, sent baby gifts, sent my congratulations, looked at their posted baby pics, held their babies, etc. Though, many times I thought one more pregnancy announcement was going to send me “over the edge,” it hasn’t…..I haven't let it. I have chosen to continue to be happy for others, give a hearty congratulations, not let it get me down, and keep moving forward, never missing a step.

Though I don't ever see myself becoming that person that cries or breaks down each time I see a baby or a friend gets pregnant, I think there has been times through this journey that I should’ve let myself feel how I needed to instead of holding it in and acting like I was fine and that things didn't bother me. Maybe through this journey I should have let more people in, told more friends how I was feeling, and not acted like I had it all together. Maybe I should have let my vulnerabilities show more. Maybe I should have let myself have that break-down....for however long I needed it, at each failed cycle, or just when I needed it.

For the most part; I don’t dwell on infertility, I don’t let it rule my life. I have a great husband, great friends, and great job with nice co-workers, we are financially stable, and I have everything I need. These are the things that I mostly focus on throughout my normal day.

However, there are certain times when I get very sad at the thought of the possibility of never being a mother….who wouldn’t in my shoes? I can get obsessive and do too much googling. I can over-think things and start worrying too much. I can feel very sad and overwhelmed. I can get scared. The truth is:

-I don’t have it all together.

-I am devastated each time I hear that another friend is pregnant….this is never to say that I am not happy for someone….I always am. But, that doesn’t take away the fact that I am devastated for myself, and it is always a reminder of what I don’t have.

-Staying optimistic gets harder and harder with each passing failed cycle.

-I don’t know what the future holds for us. I try to stay optimistic, but there is no guarantee in the game of infertility.

-I don’t know if I could ever accept not having a child of my own flesh and blood. I am scared that I would live the rest of my life never full-filling what I wanted most….to make a baby that is half me and half DH. To be the mother of that child.

-I am scared that at some point DH may regret marrying me….someone that may never be able to give him the child that he wants and deserves.

-I worry that in the future that my awesome marriage may not be able to endure my pain, my sadness, our disappointment, the weight of our heartbreak. Would there ever be a time that that weighed so much that it outweighed our love for each other?

I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I don’t want pity. I just want you to know my fears and my struggles. I want you to know that this is the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. That's the truth...even when from the outside I look like I have it all together....I don't.

Here we go again!

Well, another exciting and fun cycle has begun in the Schell household (aren’t you all glad you read my blog now and can find out this very interesting information!)

We have decided to try one last cycle with Letrozole (fertility drug.) We tried Letrozole two times at the beginning of this year…both with IUI, and had a good response (a few mature follicles,) so we thought we’d give it one last try now with the Metformin mixed in. However, we are not going to do an IUI with this cycle. I am confident in DH’s “little men,” so we both feel like IUI would be a waste of time, money and would cause extra stress. So, we are choosing to throw in the Letrozole with the Meformin and try things “the old fashion way” (as I’ve come to calling how the “rest of the world” makes babies.)

I had two more blood tests yesterday. These were to check my hormone levels at the start of my cycle to help my IVF RE determine the types and strength of my stimulation meds if we have to start IVF. I also had a “baseline ultrasound” today to check and make sure I don’t have any cysts.

I will start Letrozole today, which is day 3 of my cycle and will take for 5 days. I will go in on day 13 of my cycle to check my follicles, uterine lining and have another blood test. If I have some mature follicles, my lining looks good, and I am not having an LH surge on my own…..we can trigger with an HCG shot to cause ovulation. If Letrozole and Metformin don’t work…..then IVF will really be our last option. This is our last chance before we “bring out the big guns,” and “write the big check.”

If November is not successful, December will be full of more testing, more appointments, purchasing drugs, etc. For those that are interested….I’ve included an estimated calendar on the left side of my blog of how things will move forward with IVF if November is not successful. This WILL change in one way or another, because that is the nature of the IVF game, but this gives you an idea of a basic outline and what we have in front of us. I will continue to update this calendar as we know more. We pray we don’t have to go the IVF route, but we are mentally, physically and emotionally preparing ourselves.

Nausea

I had to “up” my dosage of the Metformin on Friday and my nausea has really kicked into high gear. I am mostly feeling it in the mornings and evenings. I am still not up to the recommended dosage either. Please keep me in your prayers, mostly that my body adjusts to the Metformin and my nausea subsides.

I really really need to be on this medication, but nausea is no fun at all! I do feel the Metformin is working because my ovary pain is subsiding, which means they probably aren’t as cystic.

I had more blood tests done this past Friday.....fasting glucose and fasting insulin. These were to see if the Metformin is working for me. I have not gotten the results back yet. Please let my body adjust to the Metformin so I can stay on it!

AF should be arriving on Wednesday or Thursday, and we plan to do one last cycle with Letrozole this month. I’ll update later this week!

Insider Tips: Ways to drive an infertile crazy.....

We’re hormonal, pregnancy-obsessed, baby bump envious, addicted to fertility drugs, a tad crazy at times but lovable all the same! But (somewhere) underneath the hysterical sobbing and emotional breakdowns, we still keep our sense of humor.

Here are some infertile “insider tips” on how to (have fun with) and make an infertile go absolutely crazy:

1. Tell us how you got pregnant on your first try and then complain about your pregnancy symptoms.
2. Ask us to take weekly photos of your pregnancy belly and then ask us to post them on Facebook FOR you.
3. When we come to your house, stain all of your toilet paper bright red.
4. Playfully hide all of our time-sensitive fertility medication.
5. Tell us that our fertility clinic telephoned but you can’t remember the message.
6. Tell us a story about someone you know who adopted and then suddenly got pregnant.
7. Tell us to relax and stop trying so it will just happen.
8. Use the acronym ‘BFN’ when referring to your cousin Billy F. Newman.
9. Complain about your children, daily.
10. Ask us to pick up some diapers and baby products for you.
11. Wait until the first day of our period and then ask us to help plan your baby shower.
12. Tell us that you accidentally spilled our fertility medication into the toilet.
13. Remind us of how old we are and still do not have children.
14. Ask us if we’re pregnant yet.


Thanks again to 999 reasons to laugh at infertility! http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/

Blood Tests and More Blood Tests! (and a tiny bit of good news splashed in)

So, my old RE decided last week that he thought it would be a good idea for me to get a blood test of my progesterone levels during the 3rd week of my cycle. He told me that if my progesterone level is above 5 then the Metformin is doing what it is supposed to be doing because that shows that I ovulated this cycle. My question is, why I haven’t had this test done up until now? Ummmmmm…..isn’t it important to know whether or not I am ovulating? Seems like this test should have been done a long time ago to see if I was even ovulating on my own! I guess I still don’t fully “get” all of the ins and outs of fertility treatment. But, this seems like a given to me….if you aren’t ovulating, you aren’t conceiving!

Anywho, I had the blood test today and my progesterone level was 11! Yahoo! That means that the Metformin is working and I ovulated on my own! Not sure what that means for me at this point, but it gives me some hope!

As a side note, I thought you would all be interested in knowing how many blood tests I have done (only related to fertility) since we started this process in the spring of 2009. I was going to make all of you put in a guess…..but then I decided just to tell you. Counting the one I had this morning, my total is 59! 59 needles in my arm y’all! Oh, and to top all this off….Friday I have to go see the “new” RE to get blood levels checked for fasting insulin and fasting glucose to see if my levels have gone down since starting Metformin. Yikes! Maybe I’ll give myself a prize when I hit a hundred!!! Yeehaw!

A Bit of Background on this Blog

Some of you are new to reading my blog, so I thought I’d give a quick “background” on my blog, and the best way to read my blog. First, if you’ve been invited to read this blog then you’ve more than likely be a part of this journey with me in one way or another. Though, I might not have shared details with you, more than likely…..you are aware of my journey. I realize that you will not go back and read each and every entry from the beginning of this blog back in 2009. However, I do think at least going back to read my very first entry would be helpful in catching you up. Then, a summary of my journey can be found to the left of the entries by month. I do use a lot of acronyms, so if you aren’t sure what I am talking about, check out my acronym list.

I decided to start this blog in August 2009 after DH and I had been trying to conceive (TTC) for just over a year. We were very lazy about trying to conceive when we first started trying in June 2008, it wasn’t until the end of 2008 that I started getting worried, and not until spring 2009 that I knew in my heart that we needed help. We did a few fertility treatments (some fertility drugs and one IUI, I believe) before I started this blog. I chose to start the blog because at the time, I felt very alone in how I was feeling and what I was going through. I love my husband and he is my best friend in the world, but….I needed outside support. I had a few friends who were also going through what I was, or had been through it, I had made a few friends on a infertility forum (thanks for being there, Sara and Meredith (ironically they both live in Florida, and I got to meet Meredith in the spring of 2010 and Sara is now pregnant (due in January 2011!)) I started reading all of the thousands of “infertility blogs” out there which helped me tremendously. My way of connecting with them was also to start a blog so that they’d know I was going through what they were, and we could relate to one another on a different level then I could with my “regular group of friends.” But, I realized that a lot of my regular friends also cared about me and wanted to know the details of my journey, so I decided to share the blog with a very small handful of friends. I found the blog to be very helpful in letting people know where I was in my journey, without them feeling uncomfortable about asking me, or feeling like they were prying. I hope those that have recently joined in on reading my blog will feel included on this journey with me too. I also write in this blog because it helps me journal and "get out" how I am feeling. I think journaling is something that is very important to do when you are going through something difficult.

I updated the blog pretty regularly for about 8 months. In March of 2010, after 4 failed IUI’s I chose to take some time away from infertility…..which also meant taking some time off from this blog. I started acupuncture and decided that I was not going to pee on anything, get poked by any needles, get “wanded,” take any drugs, take the catheter up my “lady parts,” have any blood drawn for at least 3 months. As it turns out, my acupuncturist talked me into taking more time than that from the infertility drugs and treatment. It was a good time to take my mind off of infertility for a months, which meant taking time away from this blog too.

My blog on October 25th picks up where we left off. I’ve re-vamped the blog a bit since I do feel like I am a much different place then I was when I left off last spring. I’ve realized most importantly that infertility does NOT rule my life! I am happier than I’ve ever been, and have so many things to be thankful for in my life. DH and I will continue this journey of starting a family together for as long as it takes…..and we will accept whatever God has planned for us, our marriage and our family with gratitude and thanks.

Again, thanks for being a part of this journey with me. You are all special to me! I like comments and encouragement so feel free to leave me a comment of encouragement!