Well, AF came today just as I said she would. It wasn't a surprise, after finding out about the 2 cysts, on top of the thin lining, on top of not doing the IUI this month, I knew our chances were about 1 in 10 billion. I started spotting yesterday, so I knew today she would arrive. I was disappointed, just as I am every month. But, surprisingly not as disappointed as I usually am. I had prepared myself for this since....oh about CD 1. I just had a bad feeling about the cycle from the get-go.
I had my phone consultation with the RE this morning, we are officially "benched" this month, which also did not surprise me. I will go in for another u/s in about 4 weeks, right before my next AF visit to check on the cysts. If they are gone, then we can start treatment up again in December.
So, all around, it is pretty bad news. Had some good talks with the hubs this weekend. I realized that I am focusing on all this infertility stuff way too much, that I've been very negative, not taking care of myself as I should be, and because of all that...not feeling very good about myself. So, this brings me to the title of my post....I have decided that I am going to turn over a new leaf.
Since we cannot do any treatment this month, and have to take the month off completely....I am going to try my dardest to focus on other things...including the most important thing....taking care of myself! I even started exercising again this weekend. It was kinda fun....hubs and I did it together and it felt good...like we were bonding over the exercise. He is starting a new workout program, and even though I can't do the intensity of the workouts, I am going to do my best to keep up.
At this point, it doesn't look like I will be getting pregnant anytime soon, so I might as well take this time to concentrate on myself. Exercise, eating even better, maybe getting some new clothes, perhaps a new hair do? Luckily, my favorite time of the year is upon us, so that will help me focus on other things for the next couple of months. Also, it looks like we'll be adopting a dog here in the next few weeks, so that will definitely help keep my mind off things!!
So, even though the past 4 days have been pretty darn shitty....I am trying to find something positive in all the shit. I am young, healthy, have a great husband, a decent job, nice home, financially stable, good friends.....these are the things I am going to try and focus on.
Next plans....lay low for all of November....perhaps this is just what we need. Then start Letrozole in December. Continue moving forward......
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
2 Large Cysts
Well, just got back from my ultrasound appointment to check the pain in the left pelvic area…..not the best news I've ever had. Turns out that I have a 2 large cysts on my left ovary!! For the past TWO months I've had this pain, and I've been telling the RE that I think I have a cyst, and all this time….he is telling me that I don't have any cysts??? WTF!!!???
I called the RE's office as soon as I left my appointment to tell him the news. I spoke to the nurse and she could tell that I was very upset that the cysts weren't found by the RE. She made up some excuse like maybe the cysts are from this last time I ovulated, so I didn't have them when they did my last ultrasound right before my last ovulation. I said "but, I've had this horrid pain for almost 2 months! Not 2 weeks!" She then tells me that maybe the pain I've had for 2 months is not associated with the pain I am currently having with these cysts. Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh right!! The pain I've been having for 2 months IS from the same cysts that I have now, the same pain then and now! I wasn't going to argue with her, but I am not happy.
I have a phone appointment with the RE on Monday morning. I am 99.9% positive that we'll have to take next month off from treatment to try and shrink this cysts. Whatever….. I'd rather not keep going through the heartache, and the emotional, physical and financial burdens of treatment when I have huge cysts on my ovary!! Oh, and I'm pretty sure that the RE mistook two large cysts on my left ovary for two large "follicles." Awesome! So, we were trying to fertilize cysts this month! Super! Thank goodness we didn't go through with the IUI this month, or I'd be even more pissed! That is the only small blessing….that and the fact that I think the cysts of begun to shrink. I am not in nearly as much pain as I was when I was ovulating a few weeks ago.
As I've been saying, AF is expected on Monday, but I should start spotting and cramping pretty bad on Sunday. I am almost positive that I am not pregnant now, as I don't think there were any follicles to fertilize…just a bunch of cysts! Plus, I am starting to feel "PMSy."
On a different note, I called the other two insurance companies that are offered through hubby's work, and neither of them cover IVF....surprise surprise. So, we are going to stick with the insurance we have, try a few more cycles of medicated IUI's (we still want to try letrozole, and also the injectable menopur,) then start looking into IVF. I've already decided on the RE I want to go for IVF. He is probably the most expensive in the state, but hell....if I'm going to go through IVF, I'm going to the best!!!
What a day…..
I called the RE's office as soon as I left my appointment to tell him the news. I spoke to the nurse and she could tell that I was very upset that the cysts weren't found by the RE. She made up some excuse like maybe the cysts are from this last time I ovulated, so I didn't have them when they did my last ultrasound right before my last ovulation. I said "but, I've had this horrid pain for almost 2 months! Not 2 weeks!" She then tells me that maybe the pain I've had for 2 months is not associated with the pain I am currently having with these cysts. Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh right!! The pain I've been having for 2 months IS from the same cysts that I have now, the same pain then and now! I wasn't going to argue with her, but I am not happy.
I have a phone appointment with the RE on Monday morning. I am 99.9% positive that we'll have to take next month off from treatment to try and shrink this cysts. Whatever….. I'd rather not keep going through the heartache, and the emotional, physical and financial burdens of treatment when I have huge cysts on my ovary!! Oh, and I'm pretty sure that the RE mistook two large cysts on my left ovary for two large "follicles." Awesome! So, we were trying to fertilize cysts this month! Super! Thank goodness we didn't go through with the IUI this month, or I'd be even more pissed! That is the only small blessing….that and the fact that I think the cysts of begun to shrink. I am not in nearly as much pain as I was when I was ovulating a few weeks ago.
As I've been saying, AF is expected on Monday, but I should start spotting and cramping pretty bad on Sunday. I am almost positive that I am not pregnant now, as I don't think there were any follicles to fertilize…just a bunch of cysts! Plus, I am starting to feel "PMSy."
On a different note, I called the other two insurance companies that are offered through hubby's work, and neither of them cover IVF....surprise surprise. So, we are going to stick with the insurance we have, try a few more cycles of medicated IUI's (we still want to try letrozole, and also the injectable menopur,) then start looking into IVF. I've already decided on the RE I want to go for IVF. He is probably the most expensive in the state, but hell....if I'm going to go through IVF, I'm going to the best!!!
What a day…..
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
CD 25- False Positive?
I can't believe that it is CD 25 already. 8 days since ovulation. This cycle has gone by both fast and slow. The first week went by so fast, I blinked and it was gone. Now, I am into the dreaded second week....augh!!!
Well, I had a doctor appointment this morning. It was not related to infertility or the flu that I've had the last week. I am still having that pain in my left pelvic area that I've been talking about, that I thought was a cyst, but wasn't. I started to get a bit concerned since I've had it for 6 weeks, so made an appointment, just to be on the safe side.
The doctor did an exam and thinks that I might have a strained abdominal muscle. Because of the location of the pain, there is really only muscle in that area. But, she wants me to get an ultrasound of the area to make sure nothing weird is going on. I also had some blood work done and a urinalysis, both came back fine, no infections or UTIs. Here's the funny part....she also ran a blood pregnancy test. Now, I kinda thought this might happen since they always seem to run that test when you are having abdominal problems and you are in child-bearing age. Well, the test came back positive!!
Now, before you get too excited, the test checks your hCG levels. My hCG levels are probably still a little high from the hCG trigger shot I had 11 days ago. Usually, the shot only stays in your system for 10 days. But, my "positive pregnancy test" was so low that it is possible that the test is just picking up small traces of the hCG trigger shot. Anything above a 5 is considered "pregnant" and mind was an 8...so not far above the cut-off point. So, though I wanted to be excited....there wasn't really a need to be. If AF is not here by Monday, I have been instructed to re-test.
AF is expected in 5 days now it seems. Not having many PMS symptoms like I usually do around this time. But, that might be because of the flu symptoms I've had lately....maybe they are just masking the AF symptoms. I was feeling a little crampy yesterday, but nothing like the usual crabbiness, cramps, and "menstrual" feeling I usually have by CD 25. In fact, now that I think about it....I usually get pretty menstrual by CD 22. Of course, I am not getting my hopes up. There was so much stacked against us this month.
I'll update again as the AF visit is closer.....
Well, I had a doctor appointment this morning. It was not related to infertility or the flu that I've had the last week. I am still having that pain in my left pelvic area that I've been talking about, that I thought was a cyst, but wasn't. I started to get a bit concerned since I've had it for 6 weeks, so made an appointment, just to be on the safe side.
The doctor did an exam and thinks that I might have a strained abdominal muscle. Because of the location of the pain, there is really only muscle in that area. But, she wants me to get an ultrasound of the area to make sure nothing weird is going on. I also had some blood work done and a urinalysis, both came back fine, no infections or UTIs. Here's the funny part....she also ran a blood pregnancy test. Now, I kinda thought this might happen since they always seem to run that test when you are having abdominal problems and you are in child-bearing age. Well, the test came back positive!!
Now, before you get too excited, the test checks your hCG levels. My hCG levels are probably still a little high from the hCG trigger shot I had 11 days ago. Usually, the shot only stays in your system for 10 days. But, my "positive pregnancy test" was so low that it is possible that the test is just picking up small traces of the hCG trigger shot. Anything above a 5 is considered "pregnant" and mind was an 8...so not far above the cut-off point. So, though I wanted to be excited....there wasn't really a need to be. If AF is not here by Monday, I have been instructed to re-test.
AF is expected in 5 days now it seems. Not having many PMS symptoms like I usually do around this time. But, that might be because of the flu symptoms I've had lately....maybe they are just masking the AF symptoms. I was feeling a little crampy yesterday, but nothing like the usual crabbiness, cramps, and "menstrual" feeling I usually have by CD 25. In fact, now that I think about it....I usually get pretty menstrual by CD 22. Of course, I am not getting my hopes up. There was so much stacked against us this month.
I'll update again as the AF visit is closer.....
Saturday, October 17, 2009
H1N1
Yep....you read that correctly. I officially caught....and kicked the H1N1 virus. I went to bed early on Wednesday night because I started feeling very tired. I woke up in the middle of the night with a lot of nausea, and just all over "not feeling good." When I woke up the next morning, the nausea was gone, so I just figured that I ate something the night before that my tummy did not agree with. I slept in a bit, since I did not sleep real well through the night. I got up, took a shower, and started getting ready for work. I got about half way done with my hair, and I could barely keep my eyes open or lift my arms. I immediately went and crawled back in bed....with my robe on and everything. Through the day I started to feel worse and worse. I got SO achy, I got a high fever, was really really tired, and felt like I had cob webs in my head.
That day was definitely the worse, I didn't get out of bed all day! I pretty much slept through the entire day. It basically felt like I had been run over by a truck! I woke up Friday morning still not feeling well, but not nearly as achy and my fever had gone down. I laid on the couch watching TV for most of the day.
Today is Saturday, and though my fever is gone, and the aches are mostly gone, I still have a nasty cough and still feel "run down." The flu is pretty mild in that it only lasts about 48 hours, the first day you have it, it feels like you've been run over by something! So, if you get the flu....don't panic, just rest, drink lots of fluids, and know that it doesn't last too long!
That day was definitely the worse, I didn't get out of bed all day! I pretty much slept through the entire day. It basically felt like I had been run over by a truck! I woke up Friday morning still not feeling well, but not nearly as achy and my fever had gone down. I laid on the couch watching TV for most of the day.
Today is Saturday, and though my fever is gone, and the aches are mostly gone, I still have a nasty cough and still feel "run down." The flu is pretty mild in that it only lasts about 48 hours, the first day you have it, it feels like you've been run over by something! So, if you get the flu....don't panic, just rest, drink lots of fluids, and know that it doesn't last too long!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Interesting Dentist Appointment
So, I had a dentist appointment yesterday….it was "different" to say the least. I knew that my dentist and his wife were going through infertility (I have no idea how the subject came up, but it did one day a few years back.) He and his wife were getting close to 40, and even though the wife was not ready for children, as she neared 40, she decided she wanted children. They started TTC naturally….no luck. They went through all of the basic infertility treatments…..meds, IUI's, etc. They were not able to conceive. They finally decided to see an infertility specialist here in Colorado, and had a consult about IVF. The consult scared them (especially the wife,) and they weren't sure if they wanted to go through with it. A year passed, and the wife finally decided that she wanted to give it a try. Unfortunately, (and I just found this out yesterday,) they were not able to use her eggs, as there were some issues with them. They used donor eggs, and had their IVF in June 2008. They were so very fortunate, and were able to conceive on the first try! Their beautiful twin girls were born in March 2009.
My dentist stayed after my appointment speaking with me, through his lunch break. It was an interesting talk….usually it wouldn't be that "different" for me to talk about infertility with people. But, it was different since it was my dentist! I cried, as I usually do when the subject comes up, and he gave me a big hug and was so kind about it all. He basically told me that he believes that if you are not getting pregnant naturally (the old fashioned way,) then IUI's are basically useless and a money pit. Even though I've been suspecting this myself, it was interesting hearing it from him. We've wasted quite a bit of money on meds and IUI's over the past 6 months or so. As usual, I am questioning whether or not I want to finish out the rest of the year with IUI's before we switch insurances, and move to IVF next year. Part of me would rather finish out the year…..with a break from all of this infertility, and then start anew next year with a procedure that is over 60% effective. It's such a tough call, because there IS always that small chance we could conceive with meds and IUI, but is that small chance big enough to go through the emotional, physical and of course…financial hardship? I don't know.
I told hubby about the talk with the dentist, and he didn't say much. I think he was just taking it in, and trying to process it. IVF is not an easy decision and I'm certainly not taking it lightly. But, at the same time….it is something we seriously need to consider. Hubby and I are going to take some time on Friday afternoon to call around to a few insurance companies to see if any of them offer infertility treatment. Please keep your fingers crossed! My dentist told me that he spent $65,000 on trying to conceive. Of course, it is totally worth it now because they have two beautiful girls to show for it. He made a good point….what's the use in sitting on all your money, if there are no babies? Hubby and I could certainly still be happy, but I know we'd be even happier if there were babies. We have to at least give it a try!
My dentist stayed after my appointment speaking with me, through his lunch break. It was an interesting talk….usually it wouldn't be that "different" for me to talk about infertility with people. But, it was different since it was my dentist! I cried, as I usually do when the subject comes up, and he gave me a big hug and was so kind about it all. He basically told me that he believes that if you are not getting pregnant naturally (the old fashioned way,) then IUI's are basically useless and a money pit. Even though I've been suspecting this myself, it was interesting hearing it from him. We've wasted quite a bit of money on meds and IUI's over the past 6 months or so. As usual, I am questioning whether or not I want to finish out the rest of the year with IUI's before we switch insurances, and move to IVF next year. Part of me would rather finish out the year…..with a break from all of this infertility, and then start anew next year with a procedure that is over 60% effective. It's such a tough call, because there IS always that small chance we could conceive with meds and IUI, but is that small chance big enough to go through the emotional, physical and of course…financial hardship? I don't know.
I told hubby about the talk with the dentist, and he didn't say much. I think he was just taking it in, and trying to process it. IVF is not an easy decision and I'm certainly not taking it lightly. But, at the same time….it is something we seriously need to consider. Hubby and I are going to take some time on Friday afternoon to call around to a few insurance companies to see if any of them offer infertility treatment. Please keep your fingers crossed! My dentist told me that he spent $65,000 on trying to conceive. Of course, it is totally worth it now because they have two beautiful girls to show for it. He made a good point….what's the use in sitting on all your money, if there are no babies? Hubby and I could certainly still be happy, but I know we'd be even happier if there were babies. We have to at least give it a try!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Bad News
Well, the cycle this month didn't go exactly how we'd hoped. For some reason, I just didn't have a very good feeling about this cycle from the very beginning.
As I said on Thursday, we were supposed to go in for our IUI on Sunday (tomorrow) morning. Well, the RE's office called this morning at 7:20am to tell us that they just got my lab results from yesterday, and even though I am not having an LH surge, my progesterone levels have gone up considerably. So, the RE wanted to do the IUI TODAY! Which would have meant we would have had to produce the sperm right then and there, and be downtown at the lab by 8:30am. Hubby and I talked and decided not to do the IUI this month. For one reason....it's snowing and who knows how long it would have taken us to get downtown. Second, I'm just not comfortable with this cycle. My lining is way too thin, and I just haven't felt good about it from the get go. So, after much deliberation, we've decided not to do the IUI this month. It is not an easy decision for us, but this is what my intuition is telling me, and I always trust my intuition. If things aren't lining up, there is no reason to put ourselves through the emotional, physical and financial burdens of IUI. We are going to try the "old fashioned way," but I never put much hope in that since we've tried so many times before.
So, now we have our sights set on next month, which I think will be much better for us. I will start a different medication, Letrozole, so my lining should look much better since I will not be taking the clomid, so I think our chances of conceiving will be much better next month.
Thanks for all your prayers and positive thoughts this month. Wish I would have some good news......
As I said on Thursday, we were supposed to go in for our IUI on Sunday (tomorrow) morning. Well, the RE's office called this morning at 7:20am to tell us that they just got my lab results from yesterday, and even though I am not having an LH surge, my progesterone levels have gone up considerably. So, the RE wanted to do the IUI TODAY! Which would have meant we would have had to produce the sperm right then and there, and be downtown at the lab by 8:30am. Hubby and I talked and decided not to do the IUI this month. For one reason....it's snowing and who knows how long it would have taken us to get downtown. Second, I'm just not comfortable with this cycle. My lining is way too thin, and I just haven't felt good about it from the get go. So, after much deliberation, we've decided not to do the IUI this month. It is not an easy decision for us, but this is what my intuition is telling me, and I always trust my intuition. If things aren't lining up, there is no reason to put ourselves through the emotional, physical and financial burdens of IUI. We are going to try the "old fashioned way," but I never put much hope in that since we've tried so many times before.
So, now we have our sights set on next month, which I think will be much better for us. I will start a different medication, Letrozole, so my lining should look much better since I will not be taking the clomid, so I think our chances of conceiving will be much better next month.
Thanks for all your prayers and positive thoughts this month. Wish I would have some good news......
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Cycle Day 13 Update
Whew! It’s been a busy/stressful last couple of days. We had major training at work on a new system that was recently implemented. I swear, I was so tired by the time I got home, I could barely keep my eyes open! Glad the weekend is almost here, I need a break!
I had my B/W and U/S this morning. B/W looked good…no LH surge, still high on estrogen but that is to be expected during this time of the month, and also from the supplements I’ve been taking to try and thicken up my lining. A different RE did my U/S today (good thing I’m not shy about who sees my “lady goods,” geez louise!) I got both good and bad news. The good news is that I do NOT have any cysts! I could have sworn I had a cyst, but he thinks that my left ovary is just painful while it is producing follicles. I have two very large follicles on the left ovary, and multiple small ones, so that is why I am feeling so much pain! Ouch!! I guess that would be a good pain, but still…..ouch! So, that leads me into my other good news….I do have two large follies ready to go! I also had multiple small ones on the right ovary. The bad news is that my lining is still thin. He really thinks that the clomid is causing my lining to be thin, even with the estrogen supplements….it is still too thin. He said that even though I have plenty of estrogen in my blood stream, the clomid is taking up all of my estrogen receptors, so they cannot bind and do their job (oh the chemistry of it all!!) He does think we should follow through with the cycle and IUI this month, since the follicles are there. But, we are going to give it one more day in the hopes of my lining thickening up. I am praying and crossing my fingers that it miraculously thickens up! I’ll be getting the hCG trigger shot tomorrow evening, and then IUI on Sunday morning.
I spoke to him about what we should do if this cycle is a failure; he is recommending a drug called letrozole. I’ve heard both good and bad about this. The bad is that it tends not to give as many follicles as the clomid, but it shouldn’t cause my lining to be thin like the clomid does, so I wouldn’t have to do the estrogen supplements with it (not that that is helping anyway!) So, I think after this cycle we are going to try one or two cycles of letrozole before moving onto the menopur injectables.
So, I guess at this point it’s really just a waiting game. I’m not super optimistic about this cycle, but I also know that I need to follow through with it since the follicles are there, and there is that small chance that my lining will thicken up and the cycle will be successful. But, I still have my eye on future cycles with new drugs.
We still haven’t decided yet what we are going to do about our insurance. We are going to call two other insurance companies that hubby’s job offers benefits through and see if they cover IVF treatment. I wish there were two more months left in this year so we could do two rounds of letrozole and two rounds of menopur with our current insurance before we switch. If we switch, then I’d have to do a few menopur cycles with a new RE. Which I guess is fine, but it would set us back since they will require a lot of testing over again before moving onto the treatment. So, more waiting……
I had my B/W and U/S this morning. B/W looked good…no LH surge, still high on estrogen but that is to be expected during this time of the month, and also from the supplements I’ve been taking to try and thicken up my lining. A different RE did my U/S today (good thing I’m not shy about who sees my “lady goods,” geez louise!) I got both good and bad news. The good news is that I do NOT have any cysts! I could have sworn I had a cyst, but he thinks that my left ovary is just painful while it is producing follicles. I have two very large follicles on the left ovary, and multiple small ones, so that is why I am feeling so much pain! Ouch!! I guess that would be a good pain, but still…..ouch! So, that leads me into my other good news….I do have two large follies ready to go! I also had multiple small ones on the right ovary. The bad news is that my lining is still thin. He really thinks that the clomid is causing my lining to be thin, even with the estrogen supplements….it is still too thin. He said that even though I have plenty of estrogen in my blood stream, the clomid is taking up all of my estrogen receptors, so they cannot bind and do their job (oh the chemistry of it all!!) He does think we should follow through with the cycle and IUI this month, since the follicles are there. But, we are going to give it one more day in the hopes of my lining thickening up. I am praying and crossing my fingers that it miraculously thickens up! I’ll be getting the hCG trigger shot tomorrow evening, and then IUI on Sunday morning.
I spoke to him about what we should do if this cycle is a failure; he is recommending a drug called letrozole. I’ve heard both good and bad about this. The bad is that it tends not to give as many follicles as the clomid, but it shouldn’t cause my lining to be thin like the clomid does, so I wouldn’t have to do the estrogen supplements with it (not that that is helping anyway!) So, I think after this cycle we are going to try one or two cycles of letrozole before moving onto the menopur injectables.
So, I guess at this point it’s really just a waiting game. I’m not super optimistic about this cycle, but I also know that I need to follow through with it since the follicles are there, and there is that small chance that my lining will thicken up and the cycle will be successful. But, I still have my eye on future cycles with new drugs.
We still haven’t decided yet what we are going to do about our insurance. We are going to call two other insurance companies that hubby’s job offers benefits through and see if they cover IVF treatment. I wish there were two more months left in this year so we could do two rounds of letrozole and two rounds of menopur with our current insurance before we switch. If we switch, then I’d have to do a few menopur cycles with a new RE. Which I guess is fine, but it would set us back since they will require a lot of testing over again before moving onto the treatment. So, more waiting……
Sunday, October 4, 2009
No Clomid Meltdown...
Well, it is officially my last day of the clomid....CD 9. I think I can safely say that I am not going to have a clomid meltdown like last month. I have one last dose to take, but I don't feel like any meltdowns are coming, so I think I am out of the woods. This cycle was a little easier then the last, I didn't have the headache everyday (only 1 the morning after I took my first dose,) I wasn't real emotional, I was still more tired then usual. But, I am thankful the end of the clomid cycle was on a weekend, so that I could get more sleep. That really seemed to help.
This coming Thursday, October 8th I will have my blood work and ultrasound to determine if we are ready for the hCG trigger shot, and IUI 36 hours later. I'm both excited and nervous for Thursday. I'm praying that I have enough follicles, that they are big enough and that my lining has thickened up. I have been having some pain in my left ovary. I think I have a reoccurring cyst there. I've had pain there on and off for about a year. I'm hoping that that doesn't mean my cycle will be canceled. I think if I have some large follicles on the right ovary, we'll be able to follow through with the cycle. But, I am not sure.
If this cycle doesn't take, I am leaning more towards taking the month of November off. I'd like to start on the injections, but want to make sure my body is ready....which means having a "normal" cycle with no meds, and hopefully getting rid of any cysts. A break may do hubby and I some good...the last few months have been difficult with all the ups and downs....a break may be just what we need.
We are pretty sure now that we are going to stick with the insurance we have for next year, and continue to try IUI's a few more times. At least for December and January. After that, we will consider IVF, but we realize now that Colorado health insurance companies do not cover any part of IVF, so there would be no purpose in switching insurance. Regardless, we are going to have to pay out of pocket for IVF if we have to go down that road.
I am hoping one of these cycles will work, so that we don't have to go to IVF, but I am prepared if we have to. I don't really have a great feeling about this month, because of the cyst I am pretty sure I have, and also because we've tried this exact same thing two other times, with no luck. I know there is always a small chance this will be our magical month, but I'm not sure that small chance is even big enough for me to hang any hope on.
This coming Thursday, October 8th I will have my blood work and ultrasound to determine if we are ready for the hCG trigger shot, and IUI 36 hours later. I'm both excited and nervous for Thursday. I'm praying that I have enough follicles, that they are big enough and that my lining has thickened up. I have been having some pain in my left ovary. I think I have a reoccurring cyst there. I've had pain there on and off for about a year. I'm hoping that that doesn't mean my cycle will be canceled. I think if I have some large follicles on the right ovary, we'll be able to follow through with the cycle. But, I am not sure.
If this cycle doesn't take, I am leaning more towards taking the month of November off. I'd like to start on the injections, but want to make sure my body is ready....which means having a "normal" cycle with no meds, and hopefully getting rid of any cysts. A break may do hubby and I some good...the last few months have been difficult with all the ups and downs....a break may be just what we need.
We are pretty sure now that we are going to stick with the insurance we have for next year, and continue to try IUI's a few more times. At least for December and January. After that, we will consider IVF, but we realize now that Colorado health insurance companies do not cover any part of IVF, so there would be no purpose in switching insurance. Regardless, we are going to have to pay out of pocket for IVF if we have to go down that road.
I am hoping one of these cycles will work, so that we don't have to go to IVF, but I am prepared if we have to. I don't really have a great feeling about this month, because of the cyst I am pretty sure I have, and also because we've tried this exact same thing two other times, with no luck. I know there is always a small chance this will be our magical month, but I'm not sure that small chance is even big enough for me to hang any hope on.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Coping with Infertility
I found this and thought it might help others, I could definitely relate.....
Each individual experiences infertility in her or his own unique and valid way. While no one can predict one person's reaction to a diagnosis or treatment recommendation, many have similar reactions to this life-changing event.
Emotional/psychological experiences may include:
•feelings of loss of control are common and sometimes uncomfortable
•the emotional roller coaster of hope and despair, either with each treatment or on a monthly basis
•feelings of failure and low self-esteem are normal as are feeling of guilt, blame, shame and embarrassment
•the process erodes and consumes time and energy
•financial issues - loss of other dreams in exchange for treatment
•changes within your relationship - pull together or apart - infertility brings most couples closer together but changes in intimacy are often associated with treatment regimens
•impact on employment and performance at work
•feelings of injustice are reality based
Suggestions for coping more effectively:
•begin/continue treatment with an open mind and a positive attitude - never say never!
•realize that you must live and work in the fertile world, and manage your relationships with family members and friends
•develop a stress management program - simplify!
•Confide in select friends and family members
•periodically reexamine your options
•consider joining a support group
•grieve your losses - there are many for some people engage in individual or couples therapy if your infertility is secondary, try to renew your relationship with your child
•be gentle with yourself avoid uncomfortable social situations - holidays, baby showers, certain family gatherings be "out of town" buy gift certificates and mail them with your negative rsvp
It is important to maintain the perspective that treatment is a means to an end, and to realize that you are very likely to become a parent someday soon.
Infertility is like a broken bone. When it heals, it will be stronger than ever, but on rainy days, it hurts…….
Each individual experiences infertility in her or his own unique and valid way. While no one can predict one person's reaction to a diagnosis or treatment recommendation, many have similar reactions to this life-changing event.
Emotional/psychological experiences may include:
•feelings of loss of control are common and sometimes uncomfortable
•the emotional roller coaster of hope and despair, either with each treatment or on a monthly basis
•feelings of failure and low self-esteem are normal as are feeling of guilt, blame, shame and embarrassment
•the process erodes and consumes time and energy
•financial issues - loss of other dreams in exchange for treatment
•changes within your relationship - pull together or apart - infertility brings most couples closer together but changes in intimacy are often associated with treatment regimens
•impact on employment and performance at work
•feelings of injustice are reality based
Suggestions for coping more effectively:
•begin/continue treatment with an open mind and a positive attitude - never say never!
•realize that you must live and work in the fertile world, and manage your relationships with family members and friends
•develop a stress management program - simplify!
•Confide in select friends and family members
•periodically reexamine your options
•consider joining a support group
•grieve your losses - there are many for some people engage in individual or couples therapy if your infertility is secondary, try to renew your relationship with your child
•be gentle with yourself avoid uncomfortable social situations - holidays, baby showers, certain family gatherings be "out of town" buy gift certificates and mail them with your negative rsvp
It is important to maintain the perspective that treatment is a means to an end, and to realize that you are very likely to become a parent someday soon.
Infertility is like a broken bone. When it heals, it will be stronger than ever, but on rainy days, it hurts…….
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The five stages of finding out you're not pregnant
If I don't laugh, I'll cry...so here ya go....
Similar to the five stages of death, when you find out you're not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.
Stage one: Denial
No, this can't be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I'll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don't have cramps this month and it doesn't "feel" like my period. I could still be pregnant.
Stage two: Anger
Well, I'm not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly's? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.
Stage three: Bargaining
Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms - please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles - please grow and multiple. I promise not to drink coffee tomorrow and I'll be the best mother ever. Doctor - please don't cancel my cycle, I'm okay with having 8 babies.
Stage four: Depression
WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what's the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand how awful it feels.
Stage five: Acceptance
Well. I guess it's really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I'm not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it's really my period.
Time to tell my spouse that I'm not pregnant.
Thanks to 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/
Similar to the five stages of death, when you find out you're not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.
Stage one: Denial
No, this can't be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I'll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don't have cramps this month and it doesn't "feel" like my period. I could still be pregnant.
Stage two: Anger
Well, I'm not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly's? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.
Stage three: Bargaining
Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms - please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles - please grow and multiple. I promise not to drink coffee tomorrow and I'll be the best mother ever. Doctor - please don't cancel my cycle, I'm okay with having 8 babies.
Stage four: Depression
WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what's the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand how awful it feels.
Stage five: Acceptance
Well. I guess it's really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I'm not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it's really my period.
Time to tell my spouse that I'm not pregnant.
Thanks to 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility
http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/
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