My Exhaustive To Do List!

#1...I could kill blogger. Don't these idiots know not to mess with emotional infertile women?! I mean...really? Another issue with blogger so soon? I've tried to leave so many comments in the past few days and I am ready to throw my computer out the window!! I'm not ignoring all you lovelies, I just can't comment until blogger gets this patch in to fix the problem!

#2....Why does this upcoming FET seem so much more complicated than the last one? I mean, the treatment isn’t THAT much different, and I should be an old pro at this by now! But, for some reason…my “to do” list this time actually had to be written down so that I wouldn’t forget anything, and the list ended up being nearly a page long, and I'm feeling totally out of control over the entire cycle!

It all started at my hysteroscopy appointment on the 10th. After the procedure was complete and I less high from the anesthesia, I met with one of the IVF nurses (Kim) to go over my FET protocol. I took one look at that spreadsheet and knew there was some differences. First of all….the dreaded PIO shots instead of the less dreaded suppositories. Great! I realized quickly that DH was going to be out of town for the first few days I start my PIO shots. So, the nurse helped me with some tips on giving myself shots in my ass muscle. Super duper fun!! If anyone wants to volunteer to come over and do this...I'd welcome it! We then talked for awhile…..she told me that they are now getting all of the drugs through a different pharmacy. I got my fresh cycle and FET cycle drugs from Walgreens specialty pharmacy…which I liked. But, she told me that this new pharmacy seems to have better prices, so I was all for it! We talked about how many embryos we want to transfer (2 or 3?,) maybe I should do acupuncture at least right before and right after my transfer….more and more things to consider and think about! After about an hour, my brain is now fried and I am still slightly high from the anesthesia!

So, after we go over the protocol she walks me to the front desk to schedule my lining check in June. I get that scheduled and am happy to see that they’ve opened up a new office close to downtown Denver so that I can go there for my lining check and blood draws. It’s not super convenient because I do ride the bus each day into downtown Denver, so on the days I’ll do my blood draws I’ll have to drive in, which isn’t really different then driving to the north or south office, but I do think it is going to save me a bit of time. Then, she casually reminds that “Oop I am due for my annual female exam!!” Wonderful! So, I need to get that scheduled through Kaiser which is always a treat. Oh, and by the way, she says…you and DH will also need to sign the FET consent form AGAIN, so you either need to drag his ass to one of the offices to sign it in front of one of our employees or get it notarized and bring it to us. Okay Krista…are you remembering all of this?

So, I get back to the office and call Kaiser to make my appointment for my annual female exam, they tell me that the doctor now requires blood work 3 days prior to the appointment AND I’ll have to fast before the blood work. Ugh! Getting blood work done at Kaiser is awful…the wait is always an hour or so! One more hoop to jump through!!

Soon, the new pharmacy calls me and says that my nurse has called in my FET drugs for me. They tell me the total is $500! Now, wasn’t my last FET drugs $500?! Yep, I am sure of that. Doesn’t seem any cheaper through here, but whatevs, let’s just get it ordered. She then goes on to tell me that in order to deliver the drugs they need a signature at delivery. Another ugh!! My husband and I work…we aren’t home Monday-Friday between 6:30am and 6:00pm. She comes up with this great idea that they can deliver the package to my work! Okay, let’s do that. The front desk can sign it and then I’ll run to our main building across the street to pick it up. This seems like a great idea. But, after I got off the phone and the more I think about it...the more paranoid I am getting. What if the front desk loses the box!? What if they try to send it over to me through interoffice mail and someone misplaces it?! I tell myself to calm down, I will get in touch with the girls at the front desk and tell them to IMMEDIATELY call me when the box is delivered.

So, I go about my day and I'm creating my "to do" list, since it seems I have a lot to remember....and more and more questions start coming to me. The new pharmacy didn’t say anything about baby aspirin, it’s on my protocol but wasn’t ordered. Walgreens sent it me last time…OMG…did it not get ordered?! I am supposed to take birth control for 24 days, but I only have 21 active pills…OMG…this will mess up when my cycle starts!!! OMG, I am going to be out of town for one of the scheduled blood draws!! Do I need to cancel my vacation?!!?!

So, after stewing about all this overnight I decide to call my nurse….now, I really try hard not to call them too much because I know they are busy and I don't want to be "that" patient. Also, when I leave them messages, I try my hardest not to sound too frantic. So, I calmly leave my message about my concerns. Claudia calls me back and asks what my concerns are about the protocol (they must think…what the heck could she possibly have an issue with?!) So, I tell her and she agrees that my concerns are valid…phew! She tells me that I can pick up my own aspirin at the drug store….okay, didn’t know that. She tells me that Kim should have given me more BC pills to get me through the last few days. Grrrrr….. but, she says she will send some over to the Denver office for me to pick up…great one more errand I have to freaking run! Then, says it is fine to wait two days for the blood draw I am scheduled for over the weekend…but that means a blood draw on a Monday and then again on a Wednesday…..but at least I don’t have to cancel my vacation!

So, my list so far:
-Make appointment for female exam at Kaiser
-Get blood work done at Kaiser
-Pick up baby aspirin and prenatals at drug store.
-Get my meds ordered and then let the girls at the front desk know when they are going to be delivered so I can pick them up before they get lost.
-Figure out how to get both hubby and I to sign the consent form and then get it to clinic.
-Get the female appointment done at Kaiser
-Once I get my results from Kaiser, send them to the clinic.
-Make massage appointments
-Make acupuncture appointments
-Pick up extra birth control pills from Denver office
-Wait on results from hysteroscopy
-Wait on results from blood work from WTF appointment, call if they don’t call within a week with results.
-Figure out how to get more insulin needle for the lupron, because I realize I only have 10 left!

Girls, I am exhausted just writing that!!! As I was working through this exhaustive to do list over the next few weeks…..doing pretty well if I do say so myself, the only hiccup I had was when the meds were delivered to my office. I had warned the front desk girls that I had a very important package being delivered that day and wanted to know immediately when it arrived.  So when it was delivered they sent me an email saying that it had arrived. When I got to the front desk across the street to pick it up…the box had been opened! I demanded to know why the box was opened and they said that there was tape all over it that said “do not accept until all contents are inspected!” Oh great! So these chicks at the front desk are rummaging through my box of goods! Grumble grumble. Then, last Tuesday I got the first part of my blood tests back which revealed the MTHFR mutation (no Ms.Tee...that's NOT a bad word, silly girl!,) which means I will need to take more folic acid and B vitamins. So, I ordered a gigantic bottle of Super B vitamins which include B6, B12 and folic acid.

Last Friday after having my female exam in the morning and running errands all day…I got a call from my nurse. And, let me just say that I DID feel in control before that, and then all of the sudden…totally out of control! As you all know, I found out that I have a clotting disorder caused by my immune system. The treatment is giving myself a blood thinning injection each day starting at the time of transfer and then for 12 weeks. The problem with this? Each injection is $30! Ummmm…yeah…. that is $2500!!! So, I’m totally freaking out! We just paid $2500 for the immune blood tests and hysteroscopy from my WTF appointment! So, I decide to take a chance and ask my doctor at Kaiser….is there ANY WAY I could get the treatment through Kaiser? She tells me that she’d be willing to help out, but she needs to talk to Dr. B to get his recommendations on treatment and she does NOT want to give me lovenox…she says it is dangerous!? So, now I am waiting to see if these two can get in touch with the other, then come to some kind of agreement on treatment, and if my PCP will still be willing to do my treatment through Kaiser. This, of course means double the blood tests…double the appointments….getting treatment from two different clinics. The thought makes me want to cry!!! But, if I can get the treatment through Kaiser...we MIGHT be able to keep our home from going into foreclosure! (that's a joke....I do that sometimes.)

On top of that, my nurse called back later on Friday to tell me that the rules have changes at the clinic, that they now require the husbands to get the communicable disease blood tests done too! It doesn’t matter if it’s a fresh transfer or frozen…all of the men have to get the tests done. DH is of course not happy about this, and getting him to do the tests is like pulling teeth! I told him to make a yearly physical appointment at Kaiser and then ask his doctor if she’d be willing to add on the extra blood tests. It took 4 days of bugging him to FINALLY make the appointment! Then we found out that his usual PCP is on a leave of absence, so we had to talk some strange PCP into ordering the tests for us. Kaiser does NOT cover anything for IVF, so I had to put together this sly email to this strange PCP about why we need communicable disease blood tests for my husband. Luckily, he ordered them with no push back...thank the lord!!! 

We also managed to get over to the Denver office on Tuesday (in torrential downpour,) to pick up the extra birth control, more insulin needles and sign the consent. At least I can check those things off my list! I've also contacted an acupuncturist that came recommended to me from nurse Kim. Hopefully, I can get the acupuncture scheduled for the day of transfer now!

My current list of things we need to get done before transfer:

-Make appointment for female exam at Kaiser
-Get blood work done at Kaiser
-Pick up baby aspirin and prenatals at drug store
-Get my meds ordered and then let the girls at the front desk know when they are going to be delivered so I can pick them up before they get lost.
-Figure out how to get both hubby and I to sign the consent form and then get it to clinic.
-Get my female appointment done at Kaiser
-Once I get my results from Kaiser, fax them to the clinic
-Make massage appointments
-Make acupuncture appointments
-Pick up extra birth control pills from Denver office
-Wait on results from hysteroscopy
-Wait on results from blood work from WTF appointment, call if they don’t call within a week with results.
-Figure out how to get more insulin needle for the lupron, because I realize I only have 10 left!
-Figure out how to get Dr. B and PCP to communicate and figure out a plan for treatment.
-Get them to tell me what the plan is and start the treatment...i.e. more blood tests.
-Get the blood thinning injections in my hot little hands without having to file bankruptcy.
-Get DH's physical scheduled at Kaiser
-Talk DH's PCP into doing the communicable disease tests.
-Get DH to do his blood tests and physical.
-Fax results of DH's blood tests to clinic.

No, this is not a joke.  Krista is not a happy Krista right now. WHY does this all have to be so damn difficult?! Yes, you are free to feel sorry for me...because I feel sorry for myself! Loopy Lupron starts tomorrow and my last day of birth control is Tuesday...yep, we're already back on the rollercoaster!

The UP side to my life right now is that DH and I are leaving for Telluride in the morning. We have a suite waiting for us, as well as FREE WINE, a swedish massage and lots of much needed romance. Be back Tuesday! XOXO!!!!

Cardiolipin Antibodies

For those interested in what I am dealing with:

What are Cardiolipin Antibodies?

Cardiolipin antibodies are proteins found in your body that work against cardiolipin. Cardiolipin is a molecule found in your blood platelets and various cell membranes. It is one of a group of molecules called phospholipids. You need cardiolipin in order to help regulate blood clotting throughout your body. Sometimes though, your body can mistake cardiolipin for an attacking substance. As a result, your body creates soldier-like molecules to fight against the cardiolipin.

Types of Cardiolipin Antibodies

There are three main types of cardiolipin antibodies. The level of each type of anti-cardiolipin is examined during the anti-cardiolipin test. They include:

IgG
IgM
IgA

What are the Effects of Cardiolipin Antibodies?

If your body contains cardiolipin antibodies, you may experience no symptoms at all. In fact, up to 2% of the population, both men and women, have anti-cardiolipin in their blood stream. It is only when these levels are quite high that they pose a problem.

If you have high levels of anti-cardiolipin antibodies in your blood, you may begin to notice certain symptoms. These can include:

unexplained miscarriage
unexplained stillbirth
unexplained infertility
blood clots in your veins or arteries

Who Has Cardiolipin Antibodies?

Though anyone can have cardiolipin antibodies in their bloodstream, some people are more likely to have persistent anti-cardiolipin problems. People with autoimmune diseases, like Lupus and HIV/AIDS are more likely to have high levels of anti-cardiolipin. It has also been discovered that up to 15% of infertility patients also have higher-than-normal anti-cardiolipins.

Cardiolipin antibodies and Infertility

Because of the high numbers of infertile women suffering from increased cardiolipin antibodies, it is now thought that immune system antibodies might play a major role in preventing conception. Though studies conflict on the subject, many reports indicate that women with cardiolipin antibodies have a harder time getting pregnant and carrying their pregnancies to term. This may be because anti-cardiolipin antibodies can cause tiny blood clots, preventing blood from flowing to the reproductive organs or placenta.

The Anti-Cardiolipin Antibody Test

If you are still in the dark about what is causing your fertility problems, you may want to ask your health care provider to run an anti-cardiolipin antibody test. This test is a very simple procedure. All it requires is a blood sample, which is taken by needle from a vein in your arm. This blood is then sent to a laboratory for testing.

The Results

When your results come in, your health care provider will help you to interpret the results. There should be three different measurements - one for each type of cardiolipin antibody.

Normal Results: Normal results mean that you have typical levels of cardiolipin antibodies in your blood. Normal IgG is below 23 ug/mL, while normal IgM and IgA is below 11 ug/mL.

Abnormal Results: Abnormal results indicate that you have higher-than-normal levels of cardiolipin antibody in your blood. Levels that are slightly above 23 ug/mL may not be a cause for concern. Sometimes, cardiolipin antibodies are elevated temporarily due to colds or the flu. Levels that are between 25ug/mL and 70 ug/mL however, may interfere with your ability to become pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term.

After the Test

Once you have gotten your test results back, it is important to discuss your options with your health care provider. If you have borderline results, it is probably a good idea to perform the test again in about 6 weeks. This will allow for any fluctuations due to minor illnesses. If your levels are high, you may consider treatment to help control the number of anti-cardiolipin antibodies in your blood. This will reduce your risk of blood clots and hopefully, allow you to conceive and carry a baby to term. Treatments generally involve medication, such as:

baby aspirin (I will be taking)
Heparin (I will be taking)
prednisone (I will be taking)
cyclosporin
gamma globulin
plasmapheresis

Welcome to my blog!

Okay...I know this is not the first time any of you have been to my blog, but in a way I do feel like this is a new blog to me!

First of all, I wanted to thank all of you for the bottom of my heart for "following me over to the other side." I appreciate this more than you know.

While, I'm not sure that I am completely ready to talk about what led me to this decision (I promise to talk about it soon,) I will say that I went back and forth for a few weeks as to whether I was going to keep this blog up or not. There was a lot that went into my decision. The end result was that I did not want to take my blog down, but I knew that I needed to limit who reads me blog.....girls in the IF community only! So, even though it sucks that I will not make "new" fertility friends, I feel like I have a great group of gals here who have been supporting me from the get go. This blog started mostly as a way to document/journal my journey through infertility, and even though it has morphed into something much more, I don't ever want to lose the reason why this blog was originally started.

So, get ready for a lot of open, honest, heartfelt blogging from me because I've really been holding out on all of you! I no longer plan to read my posts over and over again to double and triple check that I am not offending anyone. This is going to be raw, open, honest talk on how I am feeling, what I am going through, what is pissing me off, what is making me grateful, etc. If I'm upset, if I need to vent, if something is bothering me....well I plan to write about it instead of keeping it in because I'd offend someone if I wrote about it.

Sorry to keep you all waiting on the results of my blood tests. I was in a little bit of shock to get the results on Friday, and then have been working on how to coordinate the treatment I will need with my PCP and with Dr. B. As you all know, I've been at this for 3 years...and all of the testing I've ever had has come back "squeaky clean," so I had no reason to believe the testing we had done at the WTF appointment would come out any differently. But, for once....we may have just found an answer, or at least a contributing factor as to why we haven't been able to conceive. I have elevated levels of anticardiolipin, Ab, IgM, Qn 15. I haven't been able to do a ton of research on this but from what I understand it is a blood clotting disorder that is related to your auto-immune response. The treatment for this is to start blood thinning injections the day after my transfer, and then for 12 weeks (if we were to conceive.) I am thankful the treatment is seemingly simple. Who knows if this is the reason why we haven't been able to conceive, but I just feel like it's one more answer that we haven't had. The only thing we can do is hope that this may be the answer and that with treatment we'll FINALLY get pregnant! I'll keep you all updated on that!

Lastly, I've been really bad about commenting lately...but I've been trying my best to keep up with all of you, I promise! I'm afraid my commenting is going to get worse before getting better. The next few weeks are going to be filled with coordinating everything for my next FET, and two small vacations with my husband, but I promise to go back to my normal commenting-self as soon as things slow down. As far as my blog goes....I do plan to post more frequently....so I want you all to know that I do not expect for you to read each and every one of my posts, and I don't expect for you to comment on all of my posts. Feel free to check in on me when you think about it, and comment when something I've said strikes your fancy!!!

I've added a few ways you can contact me (or get to know me better) to the right side of my blog.... I love each of you and am excited for what the future holds for all of us!

Logistics of going private....and more on my controversial decision

A few of you have expressed concern that you aren't very good at keeping up with private blogs. I just wanted to acknowledge that I completely understand. I realize that private blogs do not come up in the blogger news feed...which is kinda sad; I think blogger should change that.

For those of you who have expressed interest in continuing to follow my blog. I'll be sending out an email this weekend to the email address you've given me to invite you to continue to follow my blog. The real downside to going private (as I've mentioned) is that I will no longer show up in your news feed, so please save my blog address to your favorites and remember to check in on me every so often. While I am sad that I'll be somewhat out of the loop...hopefully my continued support of your blog will help you to remember to stop in and check on me. You guys all know it's been a bumpy, interesting, heartbreaking ride so far...and I don't anticipate anything changing soon. So stay tuned to channel Krista!

As I've stated...going private was not an easy decision, so please don't think I've taken this decision lightly. Many of you have made the wise decision not to tell real life friends and family about your blog. Many of you have expressed to me that you wish you wouldn't have told friends and family about your blog because now you have to sensor what you say and how you are really feeling on your blog. While it is true that I have censored myself to a certain degree due to real life friends reading my blog, I’ve still tried to be as open and honest as I can without possibly seriously offending anyone.  Sometimes that's hard because this is such an emotionally driven process, and you say things out of frustration, out of the unfairness of it all. People can take things personally when that was never the original intention.

Up until this past failed cycle, I really did think that it was good for real life friends to read my blog. I thought it would make the friendships stronger because they'd know what I was dealing with and what I was up against. However, I've realized over the past few weeks that with some friendships it has done the complete opposite of what I intended for it to do. It is unfair of me to continue to drag my friends through this journey when there is no end in sight. It is unfair for them to read this blog, know the details of what I am going through and then be expected to know how to respond, how to be a friend to me or what to say.  I don’t want friends to constantly feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me. While it IS difficult for me to see so many friends conceiving so easily, and it HAS become increasingly difficult for me to participate in pregnancy related events, I certainly do not want my friends to feel awkward around me or feel like I don't want to be a part of their lives. I just want this part of my life separate so that there is no question as to how I should get treated.  I don't want to be treated any differently then I ever have been.

I need this blog to mourn, fight, get angry, hope, vent about the unfairness of it all, grieve and then be able to return to my life outside of infertility.  I can no longer just survive....I need to live again.  And, I need to keep this journey separate from my everyday life as much as possible in order to live. 

Also, my husband does not support me leaving this blog open for everyone to read any longer. So, in order for me to keep this blog up as a way to document my journey and to connect with and fight along side other wonderful women, I have to go private. I hope that explains my decision a little better.

See you all on the other side!

Update: On Friday afternoon I got an unexpected call. The remaining tests came back from my WTF appointment, and they were NOT normal. We may have our answer guys...we may have our answer....

Update from the land of Krista

Holy Smokes!!! Thanks so much to all of you for sending me your email addresses (or leaving them here!) I had no idea how many of you would still want to follow me once I went private. The outpouring of love from everyone who still wanted to follow my journey was overwhelming. You guys SO bless me! Thank you!

I plan to go private this weekend...so if you haven't sent me your email address yet...please do it! My email address is schellkrista@yahoo.com, or you can leave me a comment here.  This will be my last update before I go private.

Many of you have been emailing asking how I am doing, so I thought I'd go ahead and put up an update today. I do feel like I have a lot to tell you all since I haven't updated in awhile.  It has really been a tough few weeks for us....we've had so many ups and downs...a lot of downs, but there has been some ups too, and the two of us are surviving and honestly...that's all I can ask for right now.  We are working on how best to support each other through this process....this is something that is painful yet needed. There has been some rough spots, but the rough spots have led to a better understanding of each other's needs, so I know they are necessary. Our marriage is growing stronger through the pain and I can't help but feel blessed by that.

DH and I have also realized that when you go through really difficult things in life...you come to a lot of realizations...both positive and negative. Even though there has been a lot of negative realizations...I think it has been very good that I know them now, even if the initial realization is painful. One of my mottos in life has always been to surround myself with people who make me feel good and lift my spirits, rather than hurt me or make me feel bad, and that motto couldn't be more important than right now. I've met so many amazing women through this process, and that helps get me through not only the journey, but also through the painful realizations that this journey inevitably brings. I would like to give a couple of quick shout-outs. One to my girl, Niki N...thanks for helping get me through this past weekend, my darling....my prayers are always with you and that sticky baby you have in there! And my Carlin....my "rock" friend, who is there when things are both rooty tooty and really shitty. And lastly, my best friend, Michelle who has been by my side for the past 15 years....your unending love of me and my life is more then I deserve...even on my best day.

My update is that I had my hysteroscopy on the 10th. I’m not gonna say it was an easy procedure, because frankly….it wasn’t too much fun. I didn’t know what to expect, I was really nervous going into the appointment. I thought the procedure was going to be with Dr. B so I was prepared to talk to him about the left ovary pain I’ve had for a year and a half that no one can seem to figure out what it is. I feel like I’ve learned to live with it for so long that I hardly ever bring it up anymore. However, right before that appointment I realized that it is worst when I am on my period (because I had just been on it,) so I decided to talk to Dr. B about it. Unfortunately, Dr. S was doing my procedure, but I decided to talk to him about it anyway. He immediately decided to get me out of the hysteroscopy chair and into the ultrasound room to check my ovaries for anything funny (mind you, I was already naked from the waist down and the ultrasound room is down the hall, fun stuff? oh yes.) Just as I expected…the ovaries look perfect…nothing abnormal there. I’ve had them checked numerous times in the past year and a half and nothing is ever found (I’ve even had an abdominal CT scan.) Dr. S thought it would be best to talk to Dr. B about it, though he did say that he had no reason to believe the pain would inhibit me from conceiving. He thought it could possibly be a small spot of endo on my ovary which would not be detected by ultrasound. So, my next step would be a laparoscopic surgery to see what is there…if anything. But, again he said I should talk to Dr. B about it….he said it’s more of a pain issue than a fertility issue. Once I tracked down Dr. B, he too said he doesn't see this as something that will inhibit us from conceiving, but would be open to investigating it through a lap if I so choose. So….I don’t know what the right decision would be. I am tabling it for now and will deal with it again when I am ready.

Anywho, they put my bottom half WAY up in the air and started the procedure….I did not like it. He numbed up my cervix and the numbing medicine made me immediately dizzy (which he warned me would probably happen,) so I had to get hooked up to oxygen…whoopee! Then, in the scope went, I could feel it moving around taking pictures of the inside of my uterus. It only lasted for about 5 minutes. The worst part was the cramping, they expand your uterus with gas so it feels like a constant cramp. I was GLAD to have that procedure over with! Of course, my uterus is A+! It was cool to see the pics of the inside of the uterus....she looks good! When I talked to Dr. B about it later he said my uterus is "perfect."

My blood work for immune issues that I had done at my WTF appointment came back (most of it)…to be honest, DH thought I was crazy but I really hoped that something would come back showing something wrong. I'm sure many of you can understand WHY I hoped for this. After TTC for nearly 3 years now with no real explanation as to why we haven't conceived, and not a damn thing wrong with either of us....I pray for something to be found so that we'd at least have some answers and something to treat instead of shooting darts in the dark. But thus...the blood tests did not give us any indication as to why the transfer failed.  The only thing that was found was the MTHFR mutation, which from what I understand is pretty common and should not affect implantation of an embryo. This could, however pose a problem when/if I get pregnant. MTHFR stands for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase. This is an enzyme that is involved in amino acid metabolism in the body. Mutations in the MTHFR gene affects how a person's body processes homocysteine, an amino acid found in the blood. People with MTHFR gene mutations have elevated levels of homocysteine, which is a potential risk for miscarriage. Also, people with MTHFR gene mutations can have a decreased ability to metabolize folic acid and other B vitamins, which means I will definitely need to increase my intake of B vitamins and folic acid. My RE also told me that the MTHFR mutation could potentially be an indicator of a cardiovascular problem, so I will have to have some more testing before we can move forward.

However, this still doesn’t explain why two perfect blastocysts did not make it. The equation just doesn’t add up to me:

Nothing wrong with me + transferring of two beautiful blastocysts = No Baby

I think one of the most difficult things for me to realize in all this is that this is all completely out of my control. I have absolutely no control over the outcome and there’s not a dang thing I can do to make sure we have success. I hate the feeling of being completely out of control over something I want so bad. The one and ONLY thing we do have control over is continuing to try until we have success.

Remember to send me your email address if you haven't yet!

Going Private....please send me your email address!!!

Hello Bloggie Friends!

So, I have been having mixed feelings about leaving this blog up. I've been going round and round in my head about this over the past week or so. I've come to the conclusion that for the time being, this blog is going to go into private mode. While I enjoy having this blog to document my journey and connect with many of you, at this time I am not comfortable having it open for everyone to read.

So, if you are in the IF community and would like to keep following my journey (because I'd love for you to!) please send me your email address to schellkrista@yahoo.com, or if you are comfortable...leave your email address in the comments section. If you've already sent me your email address in the past or have sent me an email before then I have your email address already. I promise not to spam you, forward you things or give your email address to anyone. Even if you've just been a "lurker" please still send me your email address to be invited to continue reading my blog.

While I appreciate all of the support from my real life friends over the past few months, I've reached a place where I desperately need to keep this part of my life separate from my life with all of you so that I can continue to be the fun-loving friend you all know and love. I hope you will understand....

This blog will go private in one week.

The calm after the storm and before the next.....

Hi Girls- I hope everyone is doing well. I've been thinking and decided that I didn't want to leave you all (for the time being) on such a Negative Nancy post, so I decided to put on my Positive Peggy pants and leave you on a positive post.

Before I start, I just wanted to say that my heart is going out to Wonder Woman, Kathleen, Erin and Shannon who, unfortunately are also dealing with chemical pregnancies this week. I also want to mention Kristen who has been a great support to me over the past few months, Kristen lost her pregnancy about a month ago at 11 weeks. If you haven't done so already, please go stop by their blogs and give them some love and encouragement.

So, after a very tumultuous week…..DH and I have come out of it believing that we are fighters. Yes, there is still a part of me that is devastated that our cycle did not work, but at the same time….I have faith that if we persevere… then we WILL win the fight against infertility.

I immediately went into another cycle once I stopped the progesterone support…I’m talking like the next day....AF was here, and even though I will spare you the details....it was a VERY difficult visit.  We had our WTF appointment with Dr. B on Thursday. I went into the appointment swinging, with my gloves on, a page full of questions from at least 2 days’ worth of googling researching trying to figure out why 2 perfectly beautifully blasts did not bring us a baby. In the end, I didn’t need my page of questions at all because Dr. B already knew what I was going to ask and answered them before I could even ask them. What it comes down to is that it was either a problem with the embryos or the uterus. Of course, the embryos looked perfect under a microscope, but we now find out (through my research and also from Dr. B) that not all perfect looking embryos are actually perfect, and on average 50% of them are chromosomally and/or genetically abnormal, therefore will not implant.

So then, where do we go from here?

Well, that day I had about 8 vials of blood taken to test for a plethora of things…..I didn’t catch them all…but the majority of them were for possible immune issues. I’ve been doing some research on immune issues, and found out that this could be a reason why embryos don’t/can’t attach to the uterus, so I was glad he immediately wanted to run these tests. Though, I am sure the tests will come back normal, I really want to rule this out before moving forward.  We are waiting on results, but either way…whether they come out perfect, or if they find an issue…we will be adding prednisone (and possibly lovenox) to my protocol for next transfer. If something comes out irregular, then Dr. B will add in whatever else needs to be there to make this work.

Dr. B is also seriously questioning whether or not I really have PCOS. He started analyzing all of my blood work after the cycle failed. He isn’t sure I have it because my cycles are regular, I’m a tiny little gal and my testosterone and glucose are within the normal range (on the verge of being too high, but still within okay limits.) I asked how I could possibly NOT have PCOS when my ovaries have the typical pattern (especially the left ovary,) my anti-mullerian hormone is really high AND I have 60+ antral follicles (this is a TON for those of you that are not aware…a ton!) He said he is thinking…..a hypothalamic disorder? I hope I got that right….I’m no expert. He said that he has seen women that are petite like me that have zillions of antral follicles which produce tons of eggs, and this is the issue. He also said that 30% of women with the PCOS pattern on their ovaries do not have PCOS. I think one of the blood tests was to check for a problem with my hypothalamus…but I’m not sure. Maybe he is still trying to work out his diagnosis in his head?

Then, I am going in for a hysteroscopy tomorrow to “scope out” my uterus.  This will check for possible endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, etc.  I’m wondering how well I’ll tolerate this procedure…but whatever it takes! I want to rule out as much as we can before moving forward again. If anything abnormal is found then the transfer would be put on hold to do a laproscopic surgery.

So, the plan is……I started another cycle of birth control on Saturday, then we'll find out what the blood tests reveal, then find out what the hysteroscopy reveals and then move forward from there. If all comes out fine then we’ll add in the prednisone, and do another transfer at the end of June.  The hope with doing that would be that it is possible that the 2 embryos that we transferred in April were not chromosomally and/or genetically normal, and that 1 or 2 of the embryos we will be transferring in June would be normal. If that fails….well then we’d leave the rest of the embryos in the freezer and definitely do a laproscopic surgery, and then move onto a fresh cycle. Of course, if we have to do another fresh cycle we’d be WAY more cautious with the meds and hope and pray that I don’t overstim. Also, if we have to go to another fresh cycle then we plan to genetically test all of the embryos. It may be possible that none or only a few of our embryos are normal, so we’d want to check before transferring.  Which, in a way I find comforting because then we would definitely be transferring two embryos that we know are normal, and it would be fun to know and choose the sex of the embryos we are transferring.....but, at the same time, I sure hope we don't have to go here.   DH is already getting worried about doing genetic testing due to the high price tag…but hey, whatever it takes buddy! I told him…one step at a time, let’s get through the testing this week, let’s get through this next transfer and then we’ll worry about things from there.  One step at a time....

So, that’s where we’re out now. We’re trying to live right now….not just live to get through infertility, but live and actually enjoy life again. DH has really been trying to keep me busy and keep my mind off things which I really do think is helping.  We are trying to plan a lot of fun things to do over the next couple of weeks. We’ve even planned two small trips…one at the end of this month and one at the beginning of June….just to get away from all of this….breathe and not think about fertility. I am looking forward to both trips. I really need some time to focus on something else other than infertility. Over the weekend, I also started focusing more on my blessings...all of the wonderful things in my life that bless me each day, instead of focusing on the one thing that I don't have.  I am truly a blessed girl for many many many reasons.

So, while I love each and every one of you...I know that a break will do me some good. I hope you all understand why I need this, I will still be thinking of each and every one of you and wherever you are in your journey....

With that, I leave you all for now…..XOXO!!!

IVF/FET #1 CD 28 12dp5dt Official Word: Chemical Pregnancy

Well, to say it has been an emotionally draining week would be a serious understatement. I had so much hope going into this cycle….we waited 2.5 long years to move forward with IVF, and 4 long months after starting our IVF to have our transfer. Our embryologist gave us an 80% chance for success with the embryos we were using. He even said “I don’t think you guys are going to have any problems conceiving with these embryos.” We had so much hope, we thought this was finally going to be it for us.  On the day of transfer both of us had never been happier to get the news of our great embryos and to finally put them inside my uterus. But, here I am at the end of the long 2 week wait and I am not pregnant. We found out that we had a chemical pregnancy (i.e. a very early miscarriage.) My first beta at 9dp5dt (on Saturday) was a positive but a low positive (I didn't get this news until this morning.)  I didn't say anything here, but I was getting positive pregnancy tests starting on Friday afternoon, and got 2 more positives on Saturday, before I got a negative on Sunday. Our second beta at 12dp5dt (today) was a 3.

We just don’t understand why we fell into the 20% and not the 80%. I know this is a question that will probably never get answered, so I know it is not healthy to dwell and obsesses over it. The best thing to do is set our sights on the 5 remaining embryos we have. Our plan is to do another transfer at the end of June and then hope one of those is “the one.” My WTF appointment is scheduled for Thursday.

We’ve decided not to get nearly as emotional invested in our next cycle. We partially blame ourselves for getting so excited, for really thinking this was going to work. We were up in the clouds, and that is a long way to fall…the fall hurt terribly. DH doesn’t even want to see pics of the embryos in June, he just wants to transfer them, forget about it and then go in for the blood test 2 weeks later to find out the outcome. I don’t blame him. It is easier to work through the grief if you don’t think about how much you want this, how exciting it is, and that it actually might work. If it does…we’d be thrilled. If not, I think we’ll be able to pick up the pieces a bit easier. Next time I will not pee on any sticks, as I think it just exacerbated my obsessing. My plan is to just do the transfer and then try my hardest not to think about it…no obsessing, no googling, no forums, no peeing on sticks.

We are doing a bit better now….the test on Sunday helped us start working through our grief. It was the worst day of my life, I couldn't stop crying. I know that is part of the process though.  I am working through the pain, having my periodic crying spells, but will hopefully be able to bounce back soon. Some moments I think I can get through this, some moments I am completely awash in anguish and pain, and wonder how I can try again. We just want our life back. We want to be able to conceive, move on with your life together with our children, and be able to LIVE again like we did before we started this process. The pain is only part of the grief, we are also grieving the life we used to have...the life we'd do anything to have back.

I will be taking some time off from the blogesphere (unless something pressing happens, or I just have to get something off my chest!)...this is not because I don't love each of you dearly, but because I need some time to grieve, mourn, pick up the pieces and try to find my happy state again. I need to know that I can be me again....the Krista who is not going through infertility.  I just didn't realize how much this cycle not working would affect me and I really need some time. Anyone is free to email me during the break...you all know where to find my email address...feel free to use it.

Before I close I want to thank each and every one of you who gave me tremendous amounts of support through this cycle...which ended up being a 4 month long cycle! If you don't know how much I appreciate you...well then read my post from last week and you'll know! Thanks to my real life friends who have been sending me messages of support and love...I've been getting them and I appreciate them.

Sending much love and baby dust to you all.....

IVF/FET # 1 10DP5DT It's a No

I wanted to let you all know that I caved and took a pregnancy test this morning....my clear answer is that I am not pregnant. I am 10 days out from my transfer (which is technically 15 days out from ovulation in a "normal" cycle for those reading this that may not know,) so the results are accurate.

I know many of you will say that there is still hope and that I should wait for my beta, and while I love how optimistic this community is (I'd probably say the same thing to someone in my shoes,) I already know what the beta is going to be. I have already begun the mourning process......

DH and I plan to mourn and then pick up the pieces and move forward with another FET in June. While we are happy that we still have 5 embryos....we are terribly devastated that our first transfer did not take. I've never been so sad in my entire life. There is no way you can prepare yourself for this type of hurt.  I am still trying to have hope in my heart that one of these 5 embryos will be our "golden egg." What else do I have but that?.

Angie

If you can, please go stop by Angie's blog today. She could really use some extra hugs and support today.

IVF/FET #1 CD 24 (8DP5DT) Hanging by a string....

Well, it’s been a tough week buddies. I don’t think I have EVER been as emotional as I have been this week, in fact, I KNOW I have never been this emotional. Poor DH doesn’t know what to do with me, he keeps trying to cheer me up and tell me he loves me a hundred times, and I know I am just being a bitchy mess.

DH’s best friend came into town last night. He and his lovely wife went through 5 years of infertility, including 5 IVF transfers with the last one resulting in a beautiful son born 11 months ago. She did have an early miscarriage with #2 transfer. The “funny” part is that she found out 4 months ago that they were pregnant again….completely natural! Holy shit! I love these 2 and couldn’t be more happy for them. Anywho, I went out to dinner last night with DH and best friend and of course we talked a lot about IVF. I asked him if his wife ever took home pregnancy tests before her beta…he said no….and highly discouraged me from doing it. He says they aren’t reliable because of hcg triggers (booster in my case) which could cause false positive, and the fact that even if there is a pregnancy, I may not have enough hcg in my system yet for it to be picked up, which could cause a false negative. Either way, he says don’t do it. DH HIGHLY discouraged me from doing it too. I think the hcg from the booster would probably be out of my system by now, but I still don’t know if I’ll test or not. I’m too chicken shit.

Plus, I am starting to feel very pessimistic about this cycle. Not to get any of you down….but I’ll always say how I am feeling, so here it is. I haven’t had any more cramping since Monday night when I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible cramping. However, starting yesterday I started feeling very “periody,” I can’t explain it because I can’t simply say “I have cramping,” because that’s not the case. It’s more of a heavy feeling in my uterus that I get right before AF arrives. Some have described it as a "flowy" feeling, right before you start flowing.

I had a bit of a break-down this morning while I was getting ready for work, and DH and best friend were getting ready to go on their mountain bike trip for the weekend. I told DH that I felt like my period was going to start, and then of course I started crying. I just kept saying “I want this so bad, and I don’t want to let you down.” He tried to comfort me…but what’s the poor guy supposed to do? Anyway, best friend caught wind of my break-down and the fact that I felt like AF was arriving. He then tried to comfort me by telling me that his wife (I don’t know why I am calling her “his wife,” her name is Keli) felt the exact same way (very periody) both when her transfers worked and when they did not. So, of course I am trying not to automatically think this didn’t work because of the way I am feeling, but at the same time…how can I not?! I know what my body feels like when my period is trying to come. I just don't have a good feeling.  Of course I hope I am wrong and I am trying not to completely throw in the towel already, but my hope is fading. I am already starting to mourn and work through my feelings of another failed cycle. But, at the same time reminding myself that we still have other options (5 more frozen embryos and 2 more fresh cycles that we’ve already paid for,) which does give me a bit of peace.

As some of you remember, I was a little concerned about my weight, so I decided to make a real effort to put on 5 pounds before my transfer. Well, this goal was a success. I usually hover right around 104/105 pounds, and was able to get up to 110 pounds.  I was proud of myself for meeting this goal, and I know it is a good thing. HOWEVER (you knew this was coming,) I can’t fit into ANY of my clothes anymore. I didn’t take this into consideration before, or maybe I did and just figured I could start buying stretchy pants because I’d be pregnant anyway! Well, part of my break-down this morning was because not one pair of my pants fits properly anymore. Some I can’t even button, some I can button but are super tight and uncomfortable. So, I’m freaking out to DH about this too. He tries his best…poor guy, so he says....why don’t you go buy a few new pairs of jeans and work pants this weekend? I really didn’t want to have to do this because I thought it would be pointless to go buy new clothes with a pregnancy on the horizon. But, now I think I will go do it this weekend. Whether there is a pregnancy or not, I know I can’t keep trying to squeeze my ass into tiny pants. So, I have an entire closet full of beautiful jeans and work pants and not one pair fits, in fact the pair I wore to work yesterday I couldn’t even button, so I just used a safety pin to keep them closed, but each time I’d bend over…it would pop open! There’s nothing like an extra 5 pounds, plus severe PMS bloating to make a girl feel good about herself!

Well, I could go on forever about how I am feeling right now “I can’t believe this didn’t work, how could it not work, our embryos looked great, there must be something wrong with me, what’s wrong with me!!!” but I will spare you all that for now…it’ll come later, if necessary.

Thank you.....yes, I am talking to you!

This post has truly been a long time coming. I’ve been trying to get through the IVF/FET process before I really dove head first into this because I’ve been so emotional that I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through writing this post. But, this week has been so emotionally draining and difficult and SO MANY of you have come through for me, that I really feel like I need to write this post now. Bear with me...and no crying! (okay..I am only talking to myself on that one.)

First of all, I want to give a HUGE thanks to my girl, Caroline (a real life, very fertile friend!) This week she sent me a personalized apron with a picture of my dog and I on it....it says "World's Greatest Cane Corso." It came totally unexpected and more than touched my heart. She knows how much I love my dog (even when I want to drop him out the window) and also being in the kitchen, so thought the gift fit me perfectly...which it does. Thanks babe....you rock my world!



I decided I really wanted to write this post because sometimes I think I am unworthy of the amazing love, support and kindness I have been shown through this process. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such kindness and support. My heart is overflowing from the love of not only my “real life” friends but the support and love of the fertility community as a whole.

Each day my “follower” count goes up…just a bit.  I had 4 followers going into my IVF cycle. In 2009 I wrote posts but I felt like I was writing them to myself….I knew no one was reading them, and maybe I wasn’t ready for anyone to read them. In 2010, I rarely wrote in this blog.  After my 4 failed IUI's….I was emotionally exhausted.  I needed some time to be a bit “inward,” concentrating on myself and how was I feeling.  There were so many questions I needed answers to: Was I truly ready to become a mom or did I just want to “win” a pregnancy, was I really ready for IVF and all that comes with that, how did I feel about others' pregnancies….could I be truly happy for them, how strong was I…really, could my marriage make it through the process, is my marriage stronger than the whole of my pain and anguish, did our love outweigh all else, could I support others in their journey or was I only strong enough to limp through my own journey, what did motherhood mean to me, would we be good parents? I had to accept (in my heart) that I would not end up like my sister (a single mother,) that my DH was not going anywhere, that we were in this together. There were so many things I needed to work out in my own head and my heart before I could move forward with more treatment.

In the end, I WAS able to answer these questions, and I was able to find the strength I needed to start the most difficult part of this journey.  It took about 9 months to work through these things, but in the end….I came out stronger than ever....and part of that strength came from admitting that I was vulnerable and then being okay with showing that vulnerability.  I realized that yes, I could truly be happy for others, but that it is okay to be selfish when I need to be, that it was okay to have my moments of sadness and even anger…that these things don't make me weak. I realized that I was going to listen to my own heart, embrace my feelings and not push myself to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. I realized that I could continue this journey…but I would listen to my heart every step of the way. I realized how strong my marriage really was, and that yes, I truly wanted to be a mom and I will be a GOOD one!

What I am trying to say is that at the end of 2010 I was ready to not only continue my journey to motherhood, but I was ready to share my journey and share IN this journey with others, because I understood myself better. Since then, I have been shown such amazing amounts of love...more than I ever dreamed of. This love gives me the extra strength to keep fighting this fight. My husband is the first person I want to point out because without him showing me that he is WITH me…that he is not going anywhere, that he truly signed up for forever, I’m not sure I could have continued on. He takes such good care of me and our house when there has been times through this journey that I simply could not. He is going to be an amazing father.

Many real life friends (some very unexpected) have shown amazing amounts of love and respect for my journey. Though I sometimes do not share every single detail of this journey with them, and sometimes I am beyond selfish, most have been kind, inquisitive and most of all…supportive. Thank you to those of you who take the time out of your day to read this blog, keep up with my journey, and send me messages of love and support...it really means a lot to me.

This community has been my “rock” through this process. Sometimes your guys’ comments bring me to tears, and I truly can't believe how many I receive sometimes....it feels like a hug each time I receive one. I recently acquired a new follower who told me that my blog gives her the strength to keep fighting for what she wants, when her friends in real life just don’t “get it.” I realized that this blog has not only gotten me through some really tough times, but it has helped others get through their tough times too….what an amazing feeling. If I can help just one person make this journey even a tiny bit more bearable, then I've accomplished way more than I even set out to do here.  You guys make me laugh, make me cry, humble me, show me you completely understand, validate my feelings, make me stronger, and touch my heart and soul with your amazing courage. I feel the bond we all have.

Mrs. Thompson who has already been through the worst thing I could imagine shows such an amazing amounts of compassion and strength, she feels like a sister to me, and with her support I feel like I can truly continue this fight (you know I love you, JL.) Chon, Tee and many others who came to my rescue when I was attacked by “anonymous” commenters after having a bad day and just trying to vent my feelings...what would I have done without you? Tee, I can't wait for my special dance you are rehearsing!  Clewis who made me laugh hysterically by putting out her “fanny fire” with yogurt and a baby tub….I’ll never forget that post and how good it felt to laugh. NewYearMum is also similar to Mrs. Thompson in many ways….been through the worst thing I could imagine, but somehow finds the strength to not only continue the fight, but to show so much love and compassion, and each time I read her comments my heart is warmed because I know she is rooting for me. Wonder Woman who is a true woman of God in every sense…and brings me back down to reality each time I read her blog. Miss Mac, Lori, Cherbear, Ants (uhhhh......do I see a theme here, yes yes I do (Cher, and I think you and I are next!)) and so many more......you guys inspire me each day, and sometimes I just can’t wait to get to my blog to share with you and read up on how you guys are doing. Thank you to my regular commenters who give me that extra boost each day to keep fighting……Renee, Athena, staciek, Marianne, MrsLemon, RMCarter/Michelle, Sara (twin boys!,) Tanya, Kristen (so thinking of you right now,) Mrs.BabyDream, Bella, Kerrik, Kathleen/Tippy, Lisa, Jen, kkasun, Summarstarlet, Annie, Rosachka, Liz, DINK, Amy, Gurlee, A, Joey, Baby Steps, LC, Cheers, The C's, Cat Lady, Baby Hopes, Cori, Cortney, Shannon, Angie, Goldie, Noelle, hopeisafourletterword, Marilyn, oursoonerchick, Serenitynow, Foxy, Josey, Nic, Maria, Melissa, Nikki, Jacksmom, Coakley, new followers and so many more (I know I'm missing some)…I love you guys!

Thank you everyone for the amazing love you have shown me….by reading my blog, by sending me things, by leaving me comments, by calling, by texting, by asking questions, by emailing. I am truly not worthy of your love, but I’ll take it anyway, because honestly I don’t know where I would be without it. However this two week wait ends, and whatever happens…I know you guys will be here to support me whether it be through a pregnancy or more fertility treatments. That gives me so much comfort…even though I still have a lot of fighting to do…I am not alone.

IVF/FET #1 CD21 5DP5DT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

Feel free not to read this post. I am feeling terrible, and I don’t want to bring a lot of negativity into a lot of your lives who need a lot of positivity and optimism right now. I had a really terrible night, and I just need to get it out.

I was feeling really good yesterday, as you could all tell from my post yesterday morning. Well, I got home last night and all of the sudden I felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on my head. As a side note, I usually do not get bad PMS symptoms…a little crampy a few days before AF arrives, but not a lot of crankiness, even my DH would tell you he has no idea when AF is about to arrive because I just don’t get real cranky like a lot of women do. Well, last night….I was BEYOND cranky. DH and I made dinner together and I honestly almost had to leave the kitchen because I was SO cranky….for no reason. Poor DH!

Then, I started crying and couldn’t stop. I am NOT a big crier either. I had no reason to be crying. Then, I got so mad at my dog because he wouldn't stop messing with his bed (he jumps around it, scratches at it, nips at it) after I told him multiple times to STOP! Finally I threw my fists down on the couch and told him if he didn't stop I was going to drop him out the 2nd floor window!!!! This was no joke either…not that I’d ever do of course, I love him to death…but it wasn’t a funny joke either.

I finally went to bed and at about 1am I woke up with horrible menstrual-like cramps. I couldn’t fall back asleep because they were bothering me so much. I finally got up and took a Tylenol. Then, I laid there and started getting huge amounts of anxiety because I had convinced myself that this did not work, that AF was arriving or trying to arrive. I can’t figure out why I’d be having cramps like that! When I finally fell asleep, I had the most crazy/vivid dreams EVER! I feel like I am going crazy!

Today, I woke up and the cramps are mostly gone (well, they are dulled now to how they have been over the past week or so.) I still feel very emotional and cranky. DH drove me to work today and in the car I told him that I feel so extremely cranky that I can’t even stand myself, that I feel like I have PMS times 100, and that I thought I was going to start crying at any second (and even got teary, but held it back because there was no reason to start crying!!)

I just don’t get it! What is wrong with me?! I am now convincing myself that this did not work and that AF is trying to arrive. Would the hormones be doing this to me all of the sudden? I am doing 3 progesterone suppositories, 2 estrogen patches, 1 estrogen suppository, plus I did my last hcg booster last night.

I feel like my body is going crazy and I’ve never felt this way before. I am getting worried that AF is arriving, I am having PMS symptoms, but they are being multiplied by 100 because of all of the emotions that are wrapped up in all that is happening right now. Plus, I had no idea the amount of cramping I'd have through this process...it is VERY unsettling!

Any words of wisdom?

IVF/FET #1 CD 20 (4 days past 5 day transfer - 4DP5DT)

Hey Friends, sorry I have not updated on my 2WW over the past few days. Honestly, there hasn't been anything to report and I didn't want to put up a bunch of posts like "well....laying on the couch again today!" HA! So, I decided to spare you all those boring details. However, a few of you have inquired as to how I am doing, so I thought I'd go ahead and put up an "early update in my 2WW."

First, I want to thank many of you for the awesome blog awards!!! You all are all so sweet for the awards and they make me feel so good that you've thought of me and felt my blog was worthy of awards! I participated in the awards back in January, so feel free to check out my post from then. I probably won't participate this time around, but not because I don't love them and sincerely appreciate them. But, because there is no way I could choose just 10 of you to give an award to. I adore so many blogs, and you are all so important and lovely to me. So, please know that I sincerely appreciate the awards, and that in my heart I am awarding one to each of you that follows my blog.....encourages and supports me.

Now, back to the 2WW. The first few days were pretty boring....the rest of Thursday and Friday were spent on the couch. I wasn't on strict bed rest....like I won't get up at all. But, I tried really  hard to lay around as much as possible. I read books, watched movies, surfed the internet, bossed DH around, etc. At first I was paranoid about everything.....moving the wrong way, laying the wrong way, eating the wrong thing, farting, sneezing, going #2, etc.  By, Saturday I let myself move around a bit more, though still relaxing on the couch as much as possible. DH has been very helpful....doing the grocery shopping, cooking, etc. We even had a yummy fondue night at our house on Saturday night....yummo! I did start allowing myself to do simple things like dishes by Saturday, but that was about it....as far as chores go. I started reading more and more that it doesn't really matter if you are on strict bed rest, the most important thing is to just take it easy...so that's what I've been trying to do.

On Sunday, we decided to go out to breakfast for Easter morning, which was really nice. I stuffed my face with eggs, bacon, sourdough toast, hashbrowns, decaf coffee, etc. I LOVE going out to breakfast, so I was in heaven! On Sunday, DH and I decided to tackle the laundry. He carried it, put it in the washer, and I did the folding. Also, when we went to bed on Saturday night, we realized that our room smelled like PEE!! The culprit...you ask? Well, none other than our lovely 85 pound Italian Mastiff who likes to let it "trickle out" on his bed in in the middle of the night rather then alert one of us that he has to go. So, we also had to take apart his whole entire bed and wash each piece. Just like having a kid right? HA! It did feel good to get some stuff done around the house, but I did start feeling a bit guilty that I was up and around too much....even though I know that it is okay to do that at this point.

I'm not getting up and you can't make me

Today, I am back at work and just trying to take it easy. Of course, I wish I could stay home and relax for the entire 2WW, but of course that isn't possible. Either implantation has happened by now, or it hasn't (and if it hasn't, it won't.) So, either way....it is safe to be up and moving around normally. I am desperately trying my best not to over-analyze every twinge and cramp. But, I just keep willing those littles to stick in there....I want them so bad! I am trying to stay as positive as possible, but still be realistic....I know that this may not work and I need to be prepared for that. At the same time, I know it is important to stay positive. The 2WW hasn't made me crazy yet, but I know that towards the end I am going to start feeling it.

As far as how I am feeling physically....I've actually been feeling really good. I did have a slight headache on Saturday, but I was guessing that was from all of the hormones that I am still pumping into my body. I've also been getting on and off hot flashes (is this also from the hormones, even though I'm obviously not on the lupron any longer?) The cramps I had before the transfer are mostly gone, so I am happy about that. Since the transfer I've slept better than I have in MONTHS! It's almost like I know the littles are home where they should be, and that is bringing me comfort and peace. I've fallen asleep right when I hit the pillow and slept through the night...a deep deep sleep too. I am loving it! I even napped on the couch on Saturday....which is usually not something I do, but I felt tired, so I napped! Don't I wish I could nap EVERY TIME I felt tired!

I had my first post-transfer blood draw this morning. I will have blood draws every few days over the next few weeks, this is to check my progesterone levels, to ensure I have enough progesterone to sustain a possible pregnancy, they are also checking my estrogen levels. Hopefully there are no issues and we don't have to switch to the progesterone shots!

Well, that is all from me for now. Thanks again for ALL of the blog awards, ALL of the awesome comments of love and support, for asking how I am doing and for just being there. All of this love and support is giving me so much strength to get through the dreaded 2WW!

Much Love!

P.S One of my best friends from college is having her first baby (a boy!) right now! I am thinking of you, Brynn!!!

BUSTED!! You will eventually conceive if you simply have lots of sex and "just relax"

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week I will be “busting an infertility myth.” First, I wanted to thank Resolve for their unending support and love for the infertility community…it’s nice to know we have such a wonderful organization on our side…so THANK YOU!

It took me awhile to decide which myth to bust. There are so many to choose from, some have touched my life, some have not. Most of my friends who know of our struggle have been very supportive and really don’t say a lot of “strange” things when they find out that we are infertile. I do get the occasional “just adopt and then you’ll fall pregnant,” so my first reaction was to bust that myth…that adopting does not automatically make you fertile. In fact, few women who adopt go on to have children of their own…of course it happens, but it is not the result of the adoption process. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

So instead I decided to go with….”just relax and have lots of sex and eventually you will become pregnant.” I HAVE personally heard this one a lot.  This statement has touched my life since beginning this journey (and even before that, because I used to think this same thing!) I feel terrible now, but about 6 years ago….waaaaaay before trying to conceive was even on our radar I asked one of DH’s friend’s wives if they were planning to have more children (they already had one little boy.) She is so sweet and now I feel like a dimwit that I asked her this. Anyway, she answered “well, we’ve been trying, but I do not have regular periods, so we are having a hard time.” My answer, you ask?! “Well, just have lots of sex and eventually it’ll work!” In theory, I was correct, but what I was not taking into consideration at the time was that it was a physical problem....PCOS? I am not 100% sure of this, but my hunch (now) is that she has PCOS. She is overweight and her cycles are irregular and long. At the time, PCOS was not even close to on my radar and I thought that lots of sex meant eventually falling pregnant. That is not the truth though. Before I bust this myth I want to say that this girl gave birth to a baby girl 2 months ago, and if you remember I asked her that question 6 years ago, so that means…it took them over 6 years to conceive #2. I’m sure they had some type of infertility treatment between now and then, but I don’t know what.

I’ve had numerous friends and family members say to me over the past 3 years “just relax, go camping, go on vacation, you’ll get pregnant,” or “well you must not be doing it at the right time, just have lots of sex and it’ll happen,” or "are you temping, are you charting, are you looking at the calendar to see when you ovulate?" The truth is, I’ll probably never be able to conceive a baby on my without medical intervention. It is impossible to conceive a baby when your body does not ovulate. Plain and simple.

What a lot of people don't understand is that it is not ideal for a man to be having sex every single day, or even every other day for days or weeks. Why you ask? Well, first of all….it is impossible. Trust me….I know this now, 2 days in a row and my DH is toast for at least a week (sorry babe, you just aren’t 19 anymore!) Plus, each time a man ejaculates his sperm count goes down, something I did not know until trying IUI (intrauterine insemination.) My DH was not supposed to ejaculate within 48 hours of our IUI because that would lower is sperm count for the actual IUI procedure. A man needs a few days to “recoup” his sperm counts. So simply trying every day is just not a good option.

After a couple has been after trying to conceive regularly for a year or more with no luck, the odds are extremely low that they will conceive on their own without medical intervention. You can “just do it” all you want, you can “just relax” all you want, you can “go camping” all you want, you can "chart and temp" all you want. But, the truth is once you’ve been trying regularly for a year…..most likely there is a problem (most likely, a physical one) that is out of your control and must be treated before you will conceive. Of course, there are always those few couples that DO conceive on their own after a year, but they are rare.

So, the next time you hear of someone trying to conceive….know that if they’ve been at it for over a year…relaxing, going on vacation or having a lot of sex is probably not the answer. The answer is probably something that needs to be investigated and treated by a reproductive endocrinologist.

For more information on infertility, please click here. For more information on National Infertility Awareness Week, please click here.

IVF/FET #1 CD 16: The Littles Are Home!!!

The littles are home! Yes, it is true…the day finally arrived and the transfer FINALLY happened. 4 months after this madness began…we are finally at this point, and I truly can’t believe it.

First off, I want to say thank you to MANY of you for all of the nice messages yesterday and today. I received many messages of support from bloggie friends as well as real life friends, and I appreciate the support and prayers more than you know! There are lots of prayers going up for us right now, and that brings me so much comfort.  You guys are all THE BEST!!!!!

I wasn’t going to say how many littles we transferred (as you all remember, we have been trying to decide this for awhile,) but then I realized that I had pictures to share that I couldn’t keep to myself, and it is quite obvious how many we went with. So here they are!

Couple of beauties, right? The thaw went PERFECTLY!!! Only two had to be thawed and they are both gorgeous.  The embryologist said that if he didn't know better he would think these are fresh embryos, he gave us an 80% chance of getting pregnant with a single, and a 60% chance of twins!!! What a relief!!! The top one expanded immediately, and the bottom one was still working on completely expanding when the pic was taken. He still said it is perfect....he teased us that the top one is a boy (because he was so quick,) and the bottom was one a girl (because she took her time!) LOL! After we met with the embryologist I had to have my bladder checked which they deemed to be too full!! So, I had to go let out about 2 cups of water!!! E-gads..that was hard to stop at 2 cups! But, once I let some of that out I felt MUCH better! My RE said since I'm so petite, that I only needed to drink about 16 ounces...not 32! Oops!!

The transfer went so smooth and I honestly didn't feel a thing...my RE is the bomb! We watched on the screen to see the catheter go in, and then got to see both littles go into my uterus. Here is pic of that. Not the best pic ever, but you can see my round uterus in the center, and then the two white specs in the uterus at the top are the littles (red lines pointing to them.)

In my heart, I always knew that two was the right choice for us....as the odds are so much higher to have success if you transfer two. We’ll be thrilled if just one takes, or we’ll be thrilled if they both take. We are comfortable and okay either way, and have been preparing ourselves for the possibility of twins. Now, we just need to get one or two of these littles to stick! Please....your momma would REALLY love for you to stick around in there for 9 months!

I'm still having a bit of cramping on and off....but that could just be from the transfer today. It is still a bit unnerving and I wish would go away! I slept for a few hours this afternoon after we got home, since I was still hopped up on valium! Feeling good now and trying my best to stay on the couch!!

I am THRILLED to be going through the 2WW with MANY of you…I am a lucky girl!!! Ants (a week ahead,) Wonder Woman (a week behind,) Kathleen/Tippy, Marianne, Rosachka, Leigh, Cheers, Shannon, Erin and Summarstarlet (a week or two behind, but both still close!) I hope I haven't missed anyone!

Now, to try and stay SANE in the 2WW!!!

P.S Welcome April ICLW'ers!!! If you are new to my blog, well you sure found me on an important day!!! Please leave me a comment and I'll come swing by your blog to say hello!

IVF/FET #1 CD 14 Small Victories

I love sharing my small victories with this group….infertility related or not! Today, I got my end of the year evaluation at work and scored the highest points possible….EXCEPTIONAL PERFORMER! I can never tell if I am doing a good job, so I was beyond elated to get this score. My boss also told me that I don’t have to take any time off for my transfer on Thursday. She said I've already been through so much and this was her gift to me...yay! 

To me, it’s the little things like this that make me so happy. I’ve been crying because these things just make me feel so good…or maybe I’m just REALLY hormonal!!!!

Question: Has anyone else had cramping from the endometrin (progesterone) suppositories? I've been having AF-like cramping (though very mild,) since I started the endometrin. I think this is normal...but was interested to see if anyone else has experienced this. Thanks!

IVF/FET #1 CD 13

Thanks again for all of the awesome comments of support and great advice over the weekend! Unfortunately, the two suppositories I shoved in on Sunday morning fell out...even though I shoved them WAY up there! But this time I noticed that they were a lot smaller when they fell out (only about ¼ of their original size) so a lot had already absorbed before falling out, so at least I got some more progesterone absorbed than on Saturday. However, I decided to switch to 2 in the PM (with my estrogen supp.) and then 1 in the AM. I figure that if the 1 AM one falls out (because I don't have the luxury to lay down in the AM because I get up at 5:30am and am at work by 7:30am,) then that is better than 2 falling out. So, hopefully this new strategy works, and hopefully I got enough progesterone over the past 2 days.

Well, it’s quite strange being THIS close to transfer and not really having anything to report on. Last Friday was our last real “check” before the transfer. From then until Thursday it’s basically all about shoving things up my hoo ha, slapping patches on my body, injecting myself with things and swallowing lots of pills. I won’t even have another blood draw until Thursday morning, which I am thankful for. My veins are surely thankful! I did have an intense cramp this morning when I got up….but it left about as fast as it came, I wonder if the progesterone can cause cramping…or something else? Hm?

We realized that this is our last weekend of being "emby-less," so tried to get as much stuff done around the house as possible. I'll be on bed rest for 4 days, then I'll take it easy for the next week+ until we get our beta, then IF there is a pregnancy...I'll still want to take it easy, at least through the first trimester. So, we cleaned, organized, did some yard work...man, you'd think my house would be perfect after all this organizing and purging and no doubt, it is looking good, but we had piles of stuff in the basement that needed to be sorted through. Anyway, we got a lot done and even took the dog for a 4 mile walk along the river on Sunday. I realized that it is going to be difficult for me to relax during the 2WW because I am such a "go go" kinda person, so you will all have to keep me in check!

Of course, I am beyond excited, anxious and terrified for our transfer on Thursday. I don’t know how I am going to sit through the next 3 days of work! Luckily, I have lots of meetings and things I need to get done before then, hopefully that keeps my mind off the transfer (yeah right!) I'll update once we have the transfer....please send up lots of prayers and good thoughts our direction!! I've been reading a lot of blogs and support groups where girls have had failed frozen cycles with great embryos and linings, so I am getting very nervous about this whole thing. I feel like our whole life is riding on this and it could so easily fail....I am terrified of more failure. DH is beyond excited….and I just don’t want to let him down.

IVF/FET #1 CD 11 Flippin Freakin Mess!

I wanted to title this "F'ing Mess," but I don't want all of you to know that deep down I have a horrible potty mouth! Do not read further if you don't want to hear me bitch and moan...or want to hear TMI! I just need to get it out!!

I still can't keep the damn patches on my body! We just put 4 new ones on yesterday and they are already moving around and coming up. We got desperate today and went and got some medical tape. Now, we have medical tape all around the 4 patches...I look (and feel) fabulous...not! This sucks!

I started the endometrin (progesterone) suppositories today. I am supposed to shove 3 up my hoo ha each day. Well, I decided to start with 2 in the AM and then 1 in the PM with my estrogen suppository. So, I got 2 horse sized pills shoved up there with that little stick they provide you with. A few hours later I felt something "down there," so I go whip my mirror out and and look down there...Oh my God....both pills had fallen down and were this big nasty gooey mess at the bottom of my vag. canal. WTF am I supposed to do?! I can't shove more up there because I have just enough to last me, I can't pull the mess out and try to shove it back up there because it's goo, I can't clean it out because then I wouldn't get any of the progesterone. About an hour after that the mess was IN my panties! How much of this progesterone did I actually get?! Not to mention....how do they get the catheter pass this gooey mess to get the embryos in my uterus....won't the tip of the catheter get full of progesterone mess? AGH!!

Any suggestions? Do I need to shove those little SOB's up there further? There are NO directions on the package!!

I'm uncomfortable and cranky about this whole thing!! I can't believe the patches and suppositories will go until May 7th, and even longer if there is a pregnancy! I'm already miserable!

I mean, don't get me wrong....I am desperate and will do anything for a healthy pregnancy, but do things have to be so uncomfortable?! What can I do to make this easier? I'd rather give myself injections all day then deal with this big ol mess!

Thank you for listening....

IVF/FET #1 CD 10: Single Digits

Girls, it's true...I am down into the single digits now (6 days to go!) Can you believe it....because I sure can't!! One week from now I will officially be one day into the 2WW! Yeeks!!!

I had my lining check this morning. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to have diarrhea! My appointment was at 7:30am, and I showed up at 7am because I was so anxious!! I am happy to announce that my lining is at 8.6 millimeters! Woo Hoooo!!! We needed it to be above 8 millimeters today, so I am very happy! The appointment was short and quick.....blood draw, lining check, then my nurse mixed my hcg and gave me my first hcg injection in my rump! They gave me my appointment time for transfer on Thursday and I was on my merry way (with a little skip in my step, of course!)

One more huge hurdle we jumped through today. DH and I decided that going through IVF is like jumping 500 hurdles....some of the hurdles are 2 feet high, some are 20 feet high, all the way up to 100 feet high. You start at the beginning and the idea is to get to the end without knocking any of the hurdles over....if you can do that, then you get to take home a baby at the end. If you knock even one of the 500 hurdles over then you have to go back to the beginning and start over next month (or many months from now depending on how high the hurdle was that you knocked over.) It's really a game of luck, so training won't help....you just hope and pray that somehow you will jump those 500 hurdles and get to the end. Sometimes I can't believe we've made it as far as we have.....but at the same time, I feel like it's taken us forever to get here!

I am now sporting 4 climara patches. I had DH put 2 on my upper back (the last spaces on my back that don't already have red welts!) and then 2 on my upper thighs. I need to figure out where the next ones will go! Can you put these bad boys on your butt?!?! I still hate them...they are itchy and giving me big red welts! I start the endometrin (progesterone) suppositories tomorrow....so I'll be giving myself a total of 4 suppositories a day...blechy blech, the things we do!

On other personal news: I am officially moved into my new work space...I am so glad to have this out of the way before the transfer...one more thing I can check off my list that I don't have to worry about. My mom's surgery went well on Monday, I haven't talked to her personally yet because she's been sleeping and trying to recover, but my sister said things went well. I will call my Mom this weekend and hopefully she feels well enough to talk on the phone. Another thing I don't have to worry about! Please don't let there be anything that pops up in the next few weeks that I have to worry about. I just want things to go smoothly!

Regarding the transfer next week: I am starting to get into the terrified stage.....excited and anxious are now out the door. I'm too close now to feel those things...it is now just pure terror. Will my embryos make it through the thaw process, will they still be high quality, will they implant....AGH!!! But, I am so ready to bring them home!