Speak Up!

Last year I decided to join the Junior League.  For those of you that don't know what the Junior League is...here is the international website. There is a Junior League chapter in nearly every city in the United States, and chapters in some cities in other countries as well. I decided to join to get more involved in the community and to meet women like myself in my area....it's really been a great experience. I was assigned to a "small group" for my first year, the women in my group live near me, and once a month we get together with our "advisor" to share information, get to know each other, etc. At our December get-together someone asked me if we were planning to have children (yes, as I've mentioned ....I get this question frequently, and no it doesn't bother me if someone asks me once.) I was completely open and honest and said that we'd been trying for a few years and that I'd been diagnosed with PCOS. Everyone was very nice about it and it wasn't too awfully uncomfortable.

A few weeks later, I got a call from one of  the girls in my group. This girl was someone that I knew I'd hit if off with as soon as we met....we even went to a Christmas lunch together with another one of the girls and had a great time. She called and left me a message saying that she really wanted to talk to me about something, that she had just found something out from her doctor that she thinks I can help her with. Unfortunately, this was right in the middle of my IVF cycle, so we weren't able to talk right away. Then, she's been out of town for awhile because her husband's grandmother passed away.

Finally, we were able to get together yesterday morning for coffee and chit chat. Turns out that she has ALSO been struggling with infertility! She said she's been off the pill for awhile and was starting to get worried because she hadn't yet conceived. So, she went to her doctor in January where she was diagnosed with none other than PCOS! We talked for a long time and I was able to give her advice, tell her my experience over the past few years, answer her questions, etc.

The weird part is that I just recently started opening up to people about my infertility. For a few years, I wasn't really open about it except to a select few friends, and just recently started opening up a bit more and telling more people what has been going on. When someone asked me about having kids at that December meeting, had I not been completely open this friend would never have known I was struggling with infertility, and she never would have come to me when she found out she was struggling with the same thing as me. It was nice to be able to help someone who is at the start of this journey (I hope hers is short since they figured out the PCOS so soon, unlike me which took 2 years.)  I wish that when I started this journey I would have had someone who I could talk to who had been through it, who would have been open and honest with me, and given me advice. It was hard turning to the internet constantly trying to find answers and help and advice and support.

I'm glad I can open up a bit more about what is going on, it makes me feel so good to be able to help others going through this terrible struggle. Support from friends is so important when you are struggling with infertility!

My Mom wants to be a Grandma

My Mom emailed me this morning "to see if I had any news yet."

I had to email her back and tell her that her grandchildren are still in the freezer and will be there for 4 more weeks!

Little anxious are we?! LOL!

I'm worried about my weight...should I be?

I know many of you are dealing with the opposite problem, and I promise that I am not trying to minimize your struggles in the least bit. I have the opposite problem…I want to GAIN weight! Now, before you go blasting me…..trust me, it is just as difficult for me to put weight on as it is for a lot of people to take weight off. When I was younger, I would get my feelings hurt so bad when people would constantly make comments “you are soooo skinny.” I would come home crying because my feelings would be so extremely hurt. In elementary school, I boy who I had a desperate crush on told me to “put on a sweater because my arms were too skinny not be covered.” I finally talked to a counselor about it when I was in high school….. FINALLY someone understood where I was coming from. She told me that to me when someone says “you are so skinny!” it is the same as someone telling an overweight person “you are so fat!” In affects me in the same way. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel different.

As I got older, I learned better how to deal with the constant comments about my weight….of course there are still times when it bothers me. One time I walked into one of the “big bosses” offices to drop something off…she had a bunch of people in the room that she was meeting with, as I was walking out the door, she said really loudly “OMG…you are so skinny!” Those times still get to me…but I’ve learned now that people probably aren’t trying to hurt my feelings, most of the time they think it is a compliment (?) As I’ve gotten older I’ve tried to learn to be thankful for my fast metabolism and the fact that I don’t have to count calories. I’ve learned to smile and thank people when they make comments about my weight or how petite I am (it happens almost every day, so I figure it is best to just roll with the punches.)

I’ve weighed the same thing (104-105 pounds) since high school. There have been many times over the years that I’ve tried to put weight on…..but I end up giving up because nothing ever changes! I just hover right around 104-105 pounds. My driver’s license says I weigh 110 pounds because I am so embarrassed that I am 5’4” and only a measly 105 pounds (on a good day.) In actuality, the only time I’ve ever broken the 110 mark was last month (OHSS) when I put on 8 pounds of water weight and got up to a whopping 112 pounds!

Once I found out that I had 6 weeks before my transfer, I decided to try and put on some weight (I'd like to be at 110 at transfer.) I AM healthy….105 is my normal body weight, I exercise (not too much,) I eat healthy and well, but I want the baby to have some nice fat to snuggle into. My fertility doctors have never said anything about my weight, but I’ve heard that low weight can affect implantation. So…for the past two weeks….I’ve been eating like crazy! For breakfast, a protein shake, a banana, greek yogurt with flaxseed and granola. For lunch, a sandwich with lots of meat and cheese, or a frozen meal, or an all-natural noodle bowl, always with a salad (because it keeps me regular and greens are so good for you!) Yesterday I went out for lunch and got a breakfast for lunch…..bacon, 2 eggs, hash browns, 2 pieces of toast. For snacks I’ve been eating boat loads of my husband’s homemade beef jerky, girl scout cookies (I ate a whole box in 2 days,) strawberries, applesauce, cottage cheese, fruit leather, cheese and crackers, chips, nuts, etc. For dinners I’ve basically been eating whatever….I ate an entire half of a large pizza by myself this past weekend, lots of stir-frys with white rice, veggies and chicken, pastas, breads, tacos…okay you get the point! I’ve been eating A LOT! I don’t know my calorie intake but it MUST be over what my body needs!

So, I get on the scale this morning……102 pounds…..   W….T…..F???!!!! What’s a girl gotta do here?!?!? I’ve LOST weight! It just crushed me….all of this effort for nothing!?

Anyway, I hope I haven’t hurt anyone’s feelings or alienated anyone with this post. I am just so frustrated, and needed to get it out. I am also posting to document this part of my journey.

If anyone has advice I’d be glad to hear it. Am I worrying for nothing? I've got so much anxiety over this, I just want to be the best physical place possible when we do the transfer. I tried to Google “ways to gain weight” but they weren’t very helpful. I need something realistic here, I’m not interested in eating a bunch of cheeseburgers and fast food and then putting myself at risk for other ailments.

I've got about 4 weeks to gain 8 pounds...is this possible?

We’re Getting There!!

Well, today is CD 17 (yes, already!) of my February cycle, so we are almost exactly 4 weeks out from our transfer! AF should be arriving in about 2 weeks (please please please don't let this be a super long cycle!) and then we’ll start the process of our FET! To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what this will all entail. When I spoke to my nurse, Claudia a few weeks ago she said that I will go back on the Lupron injections again to suppress my ovaries. Dr. B also mentioned that I’ll have to wear a estrogen patch to assist with my uterine lining. I think I’ll also be starting my prescription prenatal, folgard, methylpred, baby aspirin, dexamethasone and endometrium suppositories at some point…I’m just not sure of the timing yet (before or after transfer.) Starting on CD 2 of my next cycle I’ll have regular blood tests and ultrasounds to check my hormone levels and uterine lining just like with the regular IVF cycle. Once my uterine lining is where it should be (nice and thick) my transfer will take place. This will be MUCH less intense since we aren’t worried about stimulating the ovaries. I’ve heard the worst part of FET is the transfer….you have to have a full bladder when they guide the catheter into your uterus to place the embryos inside…but after everything I’ve been through…this almost sounds like a cinch to me!

For the first time in a long time DH and I are actually getting excited at the possibility of being parents later this year. Both of us started losing hope about 2 years ago, and since then the hope has continued to decline each month. At the start of our IVF cycle, I think DH was really pessimistic about the entire thing and was preparing himself and me for the worst…that we may never have children. But, since we went through the process and KNOW that I produce quality eggs, and that together….my eggs and his sperm make some pretty awesome embryos……we have hope again and are actually letting ourselves be a bit excited. Of course, I don’t want to get too excited because this still may not work, but we are SO CLOSE!

We take our dog for a 2 mile walk each night (and 2 to 3 walks each day on the weekends) and for the last few weeks during our walks we’ve let ourselves say “when the baby gets here.” Wow….this is HUGE for us! We are car shopping as if there is a baby coming, and talking about which room would be best for a nursery and how we will arrange the baby furniture, and how we will introduce our dog to a baby, we’ve decided that I will leave my job after the baby gets here, we talked about possible baby names...…it is true that we’ve never let ourselves go this far before, we’ve never made these decisions. There has just been too much heartbreak to let ourselves get excited. We finally have a reason to be excited again. Oh how we hope that the news will be good in 6 weeks!!

Welcome February ICLW'ers!!!

This is my 3rd month in a row of participating in ICLW, but this is my first month of actually welcoming ICLW participates to my blog! Welcome if this is the first time you are visiting! Thanks for stopping by!

We are currently at an in-between month in our journey. We went through our first IVF cycle in December/January. It was such a roller coaster....wow! We ended up retrieving a total of 50 eggs!!!!  32 of those eggs fertilized and divided normally. Unfortunately, I developed a severe case of OHSS and our transfer did not take place. Currently, we are waiting for my March cycle to transfer our embryo(s) (we haven't decided yet how many to transfer...so please take my "just for fun" poll a the top of my blog.) We have 7 "perfect" AA embryos just waiting for us!! We can't wait!!!

Please leave me a comment and let me know you were here, and if you are following my blog so that I can follow yours and support you through your journey!

Resilience

After Wednesdays shenanigans with the “anonymous” commenters, I’ve been in a bit of a funk. While I want to put the whole awful mess behind me and focus on moving forward….because I surely don’t want a bunch of negative thoughts and emotions going into my FET. I feel like I said my peace in the follow-up post and clearly stated where I stand and why the negative comments don’t apply to me, it’s still hard for me to “just let things go.”

While, I don’t feel like the comments were necessarily directed only at me, I do feel like they were directed at the community as a whole. It bothers me that we are so misunderstood and not only do a lot of people not want to listen and try to understand where we are coming from, but they actually try and attack us! Like I said in my last post, I will never understand why human beings try and attack each other during their most vulnerable times. While all we need is love, compassion, understanding and support…we get blasted on our own blogs (the ONE place we can come and share our frustrations over this whole awful disease!)

This isn’t the only place I’ve seen this over the last several days….I’m sure a lot of you saw the post from Michelle at STFU Infertiles where she joined a group on Facebook supporting government funding for IVF (she is Canadian BTW...this obviously doesn't apply to the U.S.) She then had a “friend” instant message her about joining the group, basically calling her an idiot, and the “friends” last message to her was “imo if you cant concieve you werent meant to. your genes weren't meant to mix with the other person's genes and you should accept it not go fucking around creating frankenbabies and ruining the earth.”

Or the post from Marybeth at Deep Breath Before the Plunge, who found the strength to come out on facebook by posting the Huffington Post article (see three posts below.) The comments she got were astonishing!! Here is my favorite:

Wow….I am just in shock! Is this really how people out there in the world view us?! For the record (and again because this is my blog and I can put up what I want) I had to go through IVF not because mine and my husband's genes "couldn't mix." It was because I wasn't ovulating due to a hormonal imbalance!! I have PLENTY of eggs (trust me on that one....they retrieved 50 in one cycle!) And 32 of them fertilized normally! So, don't tell me that mine and my husband's genes can't mix! Together, we made some beautiful embryos, who will grow to be perfect babies!! Had IVF not be available to give us a little help in getting those eggs out, and getting them fertilized, we'd never be able to have our own children! IVF is a wonderful thing for people like me who just need a little "boost" in getting things moving. And if infertility was TRULY nature’s way of “keeping the population down,” then why is it that the poor and uneducated people who don’t even want children are doing so much reproducing? It’s because of THESE people that there are so many children that need to be adopted. If nature really had its way, the babies would be born to those who actually want them, will love them, care for them and educate them. I’m tired of people acting like we aren’t worthy of having our own children because we have to have medical intervention to get them! I’m tired of all the people out there making dumb comments!!!

Anyway, I’m completely getting off the subject a here, and this is not a good time for me to be upset. What I really wanted to say was to offer all of us a bit of optimism while we go forward with our journeys. A recent follower (Belinda) pointed out this great blog to me. The blog is written by Lisa Rouff, Ph.D. The blog addresses various emotional aspects of experiencing infertility. Lisa is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infertility counseling. This post especially hit home for me today, she speaks of having resilience during fertility. The post is about picking yourself up and keeping moving forward when your cycles fail, and how resilience is more important than physical fertility during this journey. How appropriate for how I am feeling! Which is attacked and misunderstood!

Lisa’s post reminded me that though things will get difficult (emotionally, mentally, physically and even interpersonally (something I NEVER thought about before),) that we ARE resilient! We HAVE to find the strength to pick ourselves up when we have a failed cycle or we get emotionally attacked. We have no other options! Here is the actual post for you to read yourself:

Resilience is the real fertility

So many times, I am asked by clients, "How will I get through and survive (insert tragedy/setback/loss here)? My answer to them, although perhaps not comforting, is always the same--that you will get through and survive the bad things that happen to you because. well, you really don't have any other choice.


Although that sounds a bit grim, I am constantly amazed by what human beings are capable of doing when they don't have the choice to do otherwise. It seems that if we have the option to escape something painful or difficult, we are usually sorely tempted to take it, even if it may not be the best thing for us in the long run. But it is when we don't have any choice in the matter, that is where the real bravery, strength and creativity become apparent. This is how I define resilience--the ability to keep functioning despite losses and challenges. I feel hopeful that our resilience as a species will be the thing that ultimately keeps the human race from destroying itself. For example, when we actually have no other option, we might finally be motivated to do something about global warming or whatever else threatens our survival.


In my work with clients struggling with infertility, I've seen that despite feeling otherwise, most people are more resilient than they may believe. When confronted with setbacks, disappointments, or losses, most people initially feel that they can’t function successfully. But as the situation evolves, they see that they are able to confront issues they never thought they could, or to give up habits that that never imagined they could. Witnessing these transformations is one of the great things about my work.


It is my belief that when it comes to creating your family, resilience is even more important than physical fertility. You can treat or work around infertility --but without resilience, you often can't make anything happen. Functioning ovaries, happy sperm, and a willing uterus are all nice to have, and make the process easier. But the ability to persevere and keep trying even when the situation is difficult is the one key ingredient necessary for success. When I think about my own situation this way, it makes me feel better. I can take comfort in the fact that although I had significant physical challenges, my resilience was intact, and helped me to take the numerous steps on the long and rocky road to having my own family.


One thing that makes people doubt their own resilience is that the process of being resilient usually isn't pretty. There are a lot of tears and bad feelings involved, along with struggles, mistakes, interpersonal conflicts, and the like. Like so much in life, it's a messy, non-linear road, and you may only realize where you have ended up once you are already there.


If during the course of your infertility journey, you come to a point where feel overwhelmed and like you can't go on, then you should take comfort in the fact that these feelings are extremely common in this situation. It may sound like an odd thing to say, but if you still have treatment options, then even though the options may be difficult, you are still in a privileged situation. Even more difficult than going forward is the realization that you've come to the end of the road and that you have no more options with which to struggle. So if there is still a battle to fight, take heart. And remember that you are probably more resilient than you believe--and that your resilience will help you do what is necessary to create your own family.

Finally, I want to add that I think I've had enough negativity over this past week to last me a lifetime, so this post will be my last post venting about others' behaviors. I started this blog to document my journey, and while the negative behavior might be a part of my journey, I am choosing not to let it get to me any longer. While I may still run across it from time to time, I am choosing to ignore it and not give it any type of credit by posting it here.

I AM Resilient!!

My Response to the “Anonymous” Comments on my last post

I considered just putting my response in the comments section, but again….since this is MY blog….I can do whatever I want, and since there is a few things I’d like to make PERFECTLY clear regarding me and my blog….I’m putting up another post.

First of all, I want to thank so many of you for your AWESOME comments of love, support, understanding, and the reassurance that my feelings are completely normal and that I am not alone in them. You guys continually warm my heart, bring tears to my eyes, and make this journey easier on me. Thank you a hundred times over for coming to my defense. This post is almost not even warranted because so many of you have already come to my defense. But, like I said….there are a few things I want to make perfectly clear here regarding my feelings.`

Second of all, my immediate reaction to these “anonymous” comments were either to delete them, or just to delete my whole entire post and forget this ever happened. The whole thing is so upsetting to me...I feel attacked during my most vulnerable hour, when what I need most is love, understanding and support. It always amazes me how we humans just LOVE to attack each other during our most vulnerable moments....why do people do this?  I decided immediately against deleting the post….mostly because while I do feel very vulnerable, I am finding the strength and not backing down. I am standing up not only for myself but everyone else out there who is infertile and JUST wants to be heard and understood. This is MY journey, and I believe it is ALWAYS okay to share how I am feeling……the good, the bad…whatever. I NEED this outlet to get through this journey…this outlet means that I can share how I am feeling from day to day, moment to moment…even if sometimes I don't feel positive. This is MY journey.  This is MY place to come and vent when something is bothering me.

I then decided to leave the "anon" comments up because I am in complete shock by how insensitive and ignorant they are. Because this is a perfect example of the insensitivity and ignorance out there regarding infertility….I am leaving them up in all their insensitive and ignorant glory for the world to see.  

I’d like to add that I have no idea how you “anonymous” people found my blog or my post. Do you sit around cruising the infertile blogs just waiting to jump on someone and make an insensitive and ignorant comment? Just for the record….you are NOT welcome here. I request that only people who support me and my journey 100% visit my blog and leave comments. So if you don’t have anything nice to say…..get lost!

The FIRST thing I want to make crystal clear is that I have NEVER gotten upset by someone else’s pregnancy.  If I got upset every time I found out a friend, a family member, a neighbor, a complete stranger was pregnant….well, then I’d be upset ALL THE TIME, and that just isn’t me. Generally, I am a VERY happy person.  Yes, this journey has been difficult on me and there has been a lot of trying times, but I’ve never let it rule my life and change me at my core. I’m definitely not a “miserable” person…and clearly you don’t know me if you think I am miserable, or if you think I’d let someone’s pregnancy announcement make me miserable. That is so far from who I am…it is almost laughable.  The post below was not even about getting upset over ANY pregnancies….when did I EVER say I was upset over a pregnancy or not happy for someone? I’ve made myself perfectly clear in every post that I am ALWAYS happy for people’s pregnancies….pregnancy is a beautiful part of life. I have NEVER said it was not okay to discuss a pregnancy around me, or to post a pregnancy announcement on facebook. When did I EVER say that?!When have I EVER gotten “pissed” over someone talking about their kids or babies???  It might be MY choice to take periodic breaks from FB when I am going through something especially difficult, but that is MY choice. I don’t ask anyone not to post about their pregnancy or their baby/kid excitement.  I have NEVER said that is not okay. Of course I don't want anyone to hide anything from me....I want friends to be upfront and honest....but also sensitive to what I am going through.  As far as the college roommate making the comments on my pictures…no she wasn’t completely innocent…no matter how much credit you want to give her. She is a VERY competitive person…that’s who she is. She KNEW of our struggles before she made the sushi comment. Instead of being gentle…knowing what I was going through…she decided to leave a strange comment about sushi on my picture to “break the news to me.”  How insensitive for goodness sake!!!

The SECOND thing I want to make crystal clear is that I have NEVER gotten upset by someone asking me when I was having children, or if I plan to have children. I am perfectly aware that this is a completely acceptable question. I never get upset by the question, and in fact I have been very upfront and honest when people DO ask...though that is not easy, this is a part of my life right now, so when I am comfortable....I try and be as open and honest as I feel is appropriate when people ask. What I do get upset over is when someone CONSTANTLY brings it up. Asking once is perfectly fine…but asking over and over again when you are clearly making me or my husband uncomfortable is completely unacceptable. Once you’ve asked the question….leave it at that. My post was simply stating that it is not appropriate to keep asking when you don’t know another’s situation. Yes, the neighbor lady would probably feel bad for asking if she knew our situation....but that's my point, she doesn't! I won't hold this against her because that's just not my nature, and I am mainly using her as an example here of how we infertiles get treated, and WHY it isn't okay. I'm just asking for a bit of common sense here. If you don't know someone's situation.....then don't keep asking them the same questions and making the same comments towards them. It breaks my heart that my husband has had to deal with the constant questioning and insensitive comments.

Another thing I’d like to point out from the “anonymous” comments is that I have NEVER referred to people as “fertile” or “infertile.” Though I see why others do this, I choose not to. I don’t see the world that way…I don’t see every woman falling into one of only two categories. There is too much grey area….we just don’t fall into one box or the other. There are thousands of reasons why someone may be having a difficult time getting pregnant naturally, but that doesn’t automatically make them “infertile” in my mind. So, before you go over-generalizing every single person who is writing an infertility blog…maybe you should learn a little bit about them before you go leaving nasty comments and sweeping generalizations. It is unfair to read ONE post on someone’s blog….someone you know nothing about and automatically place them into a box. You don’t know me. I don’t know you.

I may be going through a difficult time trying to conceive a baby…but please don’t insult my intelligence. The comments were really ridiculous…plain and simple. I’m mean…come on…..A divorced woman? A nice car? A vacation? You are comparing my situation to those things? Really? When did I EVER say I wanted people to hide their joys from me? I didn’t. Because I don't feel that way. While I am upset over my own infertility situation, I certainly don't sit around "stewing" over other people's joys. I have my own joys to celebrate! The post below had nothing to do with not celebrating other people's joys...the post below was simply regarding having sympathy to people's situations.

The comments from the “anonymous” were quite clearly from people who have never struggled with infertility. Though I found it a bit funny that they feel they have so much “wisdom” on the subject. You have NO IDEA what this journey is like, you have no idea how we feel from day to day, or what is in our hearts, you have no idea what we’ve been through, you have no idea of the fight we’ve gone through and are still going through, you have no idea of the tears we’ve cried, the pain and anguish we’ve felt, the mourning we’ve done….month after month.   YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

So, to any “anonymous” commenters that have nothing nice to say……BUZZ OFF, you are NOT welcome here!!!

Rubbing It In.....

I don’t want my blog to become just a big venting session….I do try and stay positive, but sometimes I just need to get these things off my chest. And, like many of you always say….this is my blog so I can put up whatever I want. And, sometimes I just need to share...the good and the bad.

So, DH and I had some new neighbors move in last summer. A couple in their late 30’s with two young boys, and another on the way. The woman was obviously very pregnant when they moved in, and she gave birth to a little girl about a month later. I haven’t had the chance to chat with her much because I’m just not outside that much. We say hello when we are running out the door to jump in the car or whatever…but no lengthy conversations. Since DH is outside more than I am….cleaning the cars or his bikes, doing yard work or picking up dog poo….he’s had a lot more conversations with the couple. Well, this past week our heater went out…yes, in the middle of winter in Denver! Luckily, the new neighbor does heating and air conditioning repairs and had told us if we ever had any problems with ours to let him know. So, DH caught him that morning while they were shoveling snow off the driveways. The neighbor came to our rescue and fixed the heater that day…yay! I decided to put together a nice basket of goodies for them to show our appreciation. So, on Saturday DH and I went over there to give them the basket. Well, the wife came to the door holding her baby, and we gave her the basket and then ooh’d and aah’d over her baby accordingly. She then said “you guys need to have some!!”

Uhhh….yeahhhh….okay, awkward!

So, we hummed and hawed accordingly and then left.

Later, DH and I were taking the dog for a walk and he tells me that EVERY conversation he’s ever had with this woman she’s either asked him when we are having kids, or made a comment that we need to have kids. Are you F’ing kidding me? I just find that incredibly rude. First of all….she has no idea what our situation is…maybe we can’t afford kids, maybe one of us has a serious health problem and it isn’t a good time to have kids, maybe we’ve had recurrent miscarriages, maybe we don’t want kids, maybe we are INFERTILE!!! It just astonishes me how little tact and common sense people can have….I mean, really. We all know someone who has struggled with infertility, right? Does that never cross your mind when you notice a couple doesn’t have kids…that maybe they are trying?! Are people that ignorant that infertility never crosses their mind? Really? I don't get upset when people ask if we are going to have kids, but to constantly harp on my husband about it...that's what really bothers me.

THEN, my first college roommate contacted me on facebook a little over a year ago. She was married with one baby. She of course asked if we are planning to have kids (of course, what else would she ask!) I was honest and told her we’d been trying for awhile but weren’t having any luck. She then launched into all the “remedies” just like everyone does. I think her advice was to “have sex even when you don’t think you’re ovulating, because I got pregnant with my daughter when I thought I had already ovulated.” Okay….yeah…..I think we are well past the “just have lots of sex and you’ll get pregnant” stage, but whatever.

A few months later, DH and I went out to sushi with two other couples. We had taken some pictures that night, including one of our HUGE plateful of sushi, which I had posted on facebook. The old college roommate immediately posted on the sushi picture “That looks so good, I can’t wait until I can eat sushi again!” Hmmm…odd comment. So, I go on her facebook page and sure enough she is pregnant again. I thought that was an awfully weird way to tell me she is expecting, especially knowing my circumstances….you would have thought she’d be a bit more gentle. It almost felt like she was rubbing it in.

Then, recently DH and I went out on a date night (an early Valentines Date,) and I posted a picture of my husband on the date. I put the caption with the picture “cute husband on date night.” The college friend proceeded to comment on the picture “what’s “date night”?” Wow….another “rub in?” I have no idea how she wanted me to respond…”Oh yes, you have two babies and can’t go out on dates whenever you want, I remember…yes yes yes….and we have NO babies! Yippee!! Date night whenever!” Yes, honey we all KNOW you have two babies, and that I have NONE, but do you really have to rub it in? You know that we’ve been trying for like forever, it’s not like you don’t know our situation. Yes, of course we’d give up date night in order to stay home with babies!!

The moral of these stories are that you can’t put yourself in other people’s shoes if you’ve never been in their situation. Don’t rub it in when others are struggling. Don’t constantly harp on them about starting a family if you don’t know their situation. Thank you.

I feel better...

Infertility: The Disease We Need to Start Talking About

Infertility: The Disease We Need to Start Talking About

Dina Roth PortHealth Writer, Speaker, and Author of Previvors: Facing the Breast Cancer Gene and Making Life-Changing Decisions
Posted: February 9, 2011 07:38 AM

Silence might be golden in some circumstances, but in the case of infertility it has been downright destructive.

Recently RESOLVE, one of the only organizations dedicated to infertility, made a bold announcement on its website: "People with infertility are being ignored." I always knew that insurance coverage for treatments such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) is scant at best, and that many doctors still don't treat infertility as a major health issue. I've learned that blatant misconceptions persist when it comes to our reproductive health. And it's no secret that the media doesn't cover this subject as often as it should.

However, what I didn't realize is that infertility patients' reluctance to discuss their struggles and advocate for change is directly preventing those affected from getting the support and funding they deserve. As Barbara Collura, executive director of RESOLVE, explains, "Infertility is not being discussed in the general public health realm -- it's not taught in health classes, it's barely touched upon in medical schools, and it's not a priority of any government entity. Yet how can we expect health care providers, educators, our government, and insurance companies to pay attention to infertility when the patients themselves aren't even talking about it?"

Why the silence? People battling infertility are certainly not alone -- a staggering one in eight couples face it -- yet many feel like it is an extremely personal matter not to be shared with anyone but anonymous women and men on message boards. Some say they feel shame for not being able to procreate or for having faulty plumbing, so to speak. Also, in our somewhat still Puritanical society, we've been brought up to believe that sex is a private matter. Discussing it in some circles, even when it pertains to a medical condition, is taboo.

Of course, not everyone feels that way. For instance, while plenty of celebrities would never admit having gone through IVF (even when so many give birth to twins in their 40s), Giuliana Rancic has helped break the mold by publicly sharing her fertility battle via her reality show Giuliana & Bill. "We had signed on to do this show and when we started having trouble getting pregnant, we decided we were going to be honest and reveal what was really going on," says Rancic, who suffered a miscarriage last year after undergoing IVF treatments.

The result of her candidness was both surprising and inspiring. "I started getting up to 100 emails a day from people telling me that I helped them because hearing my story made them feel less alone and ashamed," Rancic explains. "I was shocked by the fact that so many people go through infertility because so few talk about it. And while experiencing it myself has been more difficult than I could have ever imagined, I've found there really is a comfort in numbers."

However, Rancic is still in the minority: It seems that for most men and women facing infertility, it's easier to deal with something so emotionally, physically, and financially draining without having to field questions and opinions from every well-meaning friend, co-worker, or family member. Such comments like "Just go on a vacation, relax, and you'll get pregnant," or "You can always adopt," are far too painful to even acknowledge, so people figure that by remaining silent they'll avoid opening themselves up to such commentary in the first place.

It doesn't help matters that there's no general consensus on how to label infertility. In 2009, the World Health Organization officially defined infertility as a disease. Yet many individuals, organizations, and insurance companies still say that having children is a lifestyle choice and that infertility is not a serious medical issue. Some even liken fertility treatments to cosmetic surgery. But ask the millions of couples desperately trying to get pregnant whether or not having children is a necessity. Why would they subject themselves to months or years of such turmoil if, to them, it weren't essential that they try?

Certainly, there are plenty of valid reasons while this secret exists, but it needs to end. Thirty years ago, breast cancer was where infertility is today -- women just didn't talk about it (a topic I touched upon in a recent blog post). There weren't countless support groups, fundraising walks, and an entire month enveloped in pink. Women battling breast cancer did so in silence and, in turn, many felt isolated and ignored. However, now because there is such an international dialogue about the disease, breast cancer receives multi-million-dollar grants each year in research funding and patients are inundated with an outpouring of support and understanding.

Other cancers, AIDS, and many other illnesses follow the same path from shame to global support and advocacy: Once people start talking about it, the awareness, funding, and answers follow. "The silence is one of the key reasons why the infertility movement is not where it should be," says Collura. "By people speaking out and letting the world know that these are real issues affecting real people, that would impact advocacy, public education, and public policy."

What will it take to bring infertility out of the closet, so to speak? Possibly it would help if more celebrities like Giuliana Rancic came forward and if the media started covering the topic more extensively (as SELF magazine did with a groundbreaking piece on the subject). Maybe we need thousands of infertility patients and advocates to come to Washington D.C. for their Advocacy Day on May 5th rather than a few hundred like in years past. Or perhaps we just need the domino effect -- once a few people experiencing infertility open up, more will follow suit.

I don't know what the magic ingredients are that will take infertility from an issue no one talks about to a banner "pink ribbon" type of cause. The bottom line is that far too many people are suffering. But by suffering in silence, the stigma persists and the advances we need to overcome infertility will never become a reality. As Collura points out, it starts with those struggling with infertility saying, "We matter."

And when they do, the rest of the world must start listening.

This one is dedicated to my One and Only….

I’d like to officially thank my husband for being the best husband a girl could ask for. Going into this marriage 6+ years ago we never imagined in our wildest dreams what obstacles we’d face in our life together. One can never know.

We were young, in love and had wild dreams of moving away together (which we did,) having 2 perfect children, and living our perfect little life together. Never did we think we’d be faced with the most difficult and trying challenge a couple could face…infertility.

Though we’ve struggled with infertility for nearly 3 years now….our marriage is more solid than ever. We’ve been through many trials and tribulations over dealing with infertility. Together we’ve hoped, we’ve mourn, we’ve fought, we’ve tried, we’ve cried, we’ve supported each other, we’ve grieved, we’ve gone through every possible emotion…sometimes all in one day. Through it all, we’ve managed to not only continue to love and support each other, but we’ve actually managed to strengthen our marriage through these difficult times. Though we didn’t always see eye to eye, when it really mattered… we compromised, we met half way, we made it work.

I’d like to thank him for taking such good care of me over the past month. While most of you don’t know my husband, I will say that he is the most dedicated, loyal, driven, goal-oriented person I’ve ever met. He works a full time job, he manages a large team of people, he travels across the country for work, he is starting down the path of teaching a course (in his “free-time”,) he is the main parent and takes such good care of our dog, he keeps up a regular exercise routine, he wakes up each morning optimistic…ready to take on the day. While he kept all of these things I’ve mentioned going, he also took care of me when I was at my sickest. He ran to the pharmacy more times than I can count to pick up prescriptions, he took me to all of my appointments (and there were a lot!) an hour away, he held my hand and comforted me when I was scared, he sat and waited for hours while I had my IV, he ran to the store (twice) to get constipation meds for me, he ran to get me Gatorade (20 of them) and protein shakes to keep my body hydrated and stable. He did the grocery shopping and the house chores when I couldn’t. He took care of our very active and busy dog. He made sure I had what I needed….water in the middle of the night, nutritious meals when I couldn't fathom the idea of eating. I know I am probably forgetting something….he really did all this and more!

The point I am making is that we love each other, and neither one of us are going anywhere. Infertility or not….we are a family. When it comes down it…that’s all that matters. The eternal commitment to each other…..through the good and the bad. We can get through anything....together.

Happy Valentines Day Baby!

The Hard Part is Over....But, still....I worry.

I just keep telling myself that the hard part is over.  But, when I think about how many more obstacles we have in front of us before we find out we have a successful pregnancy…I get very overwhelmed. We are still about 6 weeks out from doing our FET (frozen embryo transfer,) and 8 weeks out from finding out if we are pregnant, and even longer than that to fight out if the pregnancy is viable. It seems so overwhelming when I look at it like that. So, I am trying to stay positive and tell myself that the hard part is over. I have ACTUAL embryos just waiting for me….they are perfect, they are half me, half DH…..perfect! The only thing left is “bringing them home.”

But, what are the odds that our FET will take? I can't stop worrying even though I KNOW the most difficult part is over. All of the questions keep creeping into the back of my mind. I found this article today, I was comforted by it.

Frozen Embryo Transfer Success

There is much confusion about the ability of frozen embryos to produce pregnancy. On initial inspection, the chance for pregnancy using frozen embryos appears to be lower than the transfer of fresh embryos. On closer analysis, however, this may not be true.

Typically, when a frozen embryos transfer is performed, the embryos that were frozen were those that were not chosen for the initial fresh embryo transfer. Why not? Often, the embryologist chose the “best” embryos for the initial transfer. The embryos that remained were frozen. Some programs are very strict about the quality of the embryos they will freeze, other programs will freeze any and all remaining embryos. As in the case of fresh embryo transfer, embryo quality has a profound effect on the chance for pregnancy. If poor quality embryos were frozen, the survival rate after thawing as well as the pregnancy rate would be expected to be lower.

A second important factor is the number of embryos that are transferred. Take the example of a couple who produce four good quality embryos. Two are transferred in the fresh in vitro fertilization cycle and two are frozen. A pregnancy results and the couple delivers a baby. Later, the couple decides to attempt pregnancy again using the frozen embryos. Upon thawing, however, only one embryo survives. The frozen transfer is of a single embryo. Pregnancy rates of a single embryo are going to be lower than that seen with a multiple embryo transfer.

(This last paragraph describes my situation)

Studies have been performed in women who had a very vigorous stimulation of their ovaries and were considered to be at high risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). Their physicians decided to skip the embryo transfer and instead freeze all of the embryos for later use. This significantly decreases the risk of serious or complicated OHSS. In other cases, the physicians decided to go ahead with a fresh embryo transfer anyway, despite the risk of OHSS. In this experiment, the couples in both groups have a large number of embryos and the selection of embryos for transfer was for the best embryos in each case. These studies show no difference in the pregnancy rates between fresh or frozen embryos.

Hallelujah!! It seems I might not have as much to worry about as I think I do!

Just a Big Ol' Headache! And a "just for fun" Poll!

After all of the weeks of excitement in my life (which spilled over onto this blog,) I feel like I don't have NEARLY the amount of exciting things going on to write about.

Like I wrote about on Sunday, AF arrived on Saturday night. By Sunday morning, she was here with a VENGEANCE! Yowzers!! Don't want to go into too much detail, but it was VERY heavy and very crampy for the first 2 days. I spoke to Claudia (my favorite nurse) on Monday and she called it a "withdrawal bleed." Basically, my body is cleaning out "the system" from all of the drugs and the extra fluid. It HAS kind of felt like going through some type of withdrawal. I feel like my body has been trying to re-stabilize itself. The GOOD news is that I can fit into my pants again!! I’ve pretty much rid myself of all of the extra fluid that was built-up…that’s really a great feeling…let me tell you! I can breathe (literally...the fluid is gone from my lungs!!!!) The downside is that I’ve had a heck of a headache for the past 3 days. I went back to work on Monday, so I thought maybe it was from the stress of that. But, now I’m not sure….I am thinking it is probably related to my hormones. I woke up Monday with a slight headache and it continued to get worse throughout the day, I felt better when I woke up Tuesday morning, but it came back Tuesday afternoon. Same thing today, I woke up feeling okay…but it started creeping back up on me. This is definitely no fun….so I hope this doesn’t become a regular pattern. Luckily, I only have one more day in the week (after today) to get through, then I can rest for 3 days and hopefully kick the headache for good!

Nothing much else to report. Claudia told me that I get the entire month off from any poking and prodding (yippee!!) Once my next cycle starts (let’s hope for a short one, and not one of my long drawn out ones,) they will give me my protocol for my FET in March. She said I won’t start the lupron again until after my next cycle starts, and at that time they’ll be able to give me my exact day for my FET. I am thinking at this point that it will happen the very last week in March. Then, I will have bed rest again for 4 days to give my little guy every opportunity to “stick.” It is really becoming so real to me now….now that I know I have perfect embryos just waiting for me, and now that I am finally “coming down” from everything that’s happened in the past month. I can finally get excited and DREAM of those babies! I keep telling DH that I plan to transfer all 7 at some point in our life…he thinks I am so funny! We still haven’t decided how many we will transfer in March….such a big decision! So, I am asking for YOUR guys' help on this one.....please take my poll...vote at the top right of my blog....this will be fun to see what you guys think. If you want to read more on my thoughts on this and why I am having a difficult time deciding, read this post. Thanks for your help and thoughts!

Lots of Thoughts and an AF Visit!!

I seem to have a lot on my mind this morning, so hopefully I can organize my thoughts into a concise organized post. I can no longer title my posts as I have been for the past 3+ weeks. Last night, AF arrived in FULL FORCE! Of course, this is a GOOD thing because it means we are that much closer to our FET. It is weird for AF to arrive after only a 23 day cycle though....that has NEVER happened to me...EVER! But, it makes sense that I would start exactly 14 days after my trigger shot. Though, when I talked to my nurse on Friday she mentioned that it may take awhile for AF to arrive because my E2 levels were so high for so long and took awhile to come back down. But, again I am marching to the beat of my own drum and AF arrived right on time! I HAD hoped to get a break from all of the "happenings" down there for a few days. There has been so much going on "down there" lately with all of the hundreds of ultrasounds, the retrieval, the OHSS, the draining, etc. I was looking forward to some "downtime" from "happenings," but nope! At least once AF passes in a few days I'll basically have the month off from everything! Maybe I could even start feeling sexy for DH again! LOL!

Speaking of DH, we had our Valentine date last night (we always do it a week earlier than the normal "Valentine weekend.") He took me out to dinner and then to see A Mid-Summer's Nights Dream at the Denver Center for Performing Arts. It was such a nice night. The best part was that we got to talk a lot about how we have both been feeling. DH is an awesome guy, but has never been real open with his feelings, neither of his parents are very good with sharing their feelings and emotions, so this is just something that was never taught to him. So, sometimes it is difficult for me to share how I am feeling, and to get him to tell me how he is feeling. For the past few months we've really just been trying to get through this process, dealing with each hurdle as we arrive at it. There's been so many difficult things happen that we really haven't had any other options then to deal with what is immediately in front of us. My health has really been our #1 priority, so I guess now that that is stabilized we can deal with how we are feeling.

I shared how I've felt over the past few days regarding some of my friends' behavior. I wasn't sure how he would react, but he supported me 100%. I also told him how I felt a bit bad for somewhat alienating some of my pregnant friends lately (I'm going to work on this.) Though I never wanted to do this....it does get difficult when your best friend announces she is pregnant with #3, or another close friend announces she is pregnant with #4, when you haven't even arrived at #1 yet. It stings a bit...there is no way around it. DH supports my feelings 100% and even said that sometimes he feels the same way. His best friend just told him that he and his wife are pregnant with #2 (#1 was conceived on the 4th IVF attempt, and #2 was conceived completely natural!) Of course, DH is happy for them, but it still stings a bit. He said that sometimes he struggles with the fact that everyone wants "you" to be happy for "them," but that he feels like "they" don't always stop and take "your" feelings into consideration. I feel the same way. Like sometimes friends want me to put my feelings aside and just be happy for them. What people don't understand is that most times that is easier said then done. You WANT to be happy for them and of course....you are, but that doesn't take away the sting and the fact that you want them to validate your situation and how you are feeling. And you want them to understand that you may not be their #1 cheerleader right now. Both DH and I desperately want to get to a place where we can truly celebrate the good news of friend's and family member's pregnancies. We are not there yet, and we hope that everyone will understand that we WILL come around, eventually. We need some time to be a bit selfish right now, validating our own feelings and not ignoring them. Please don't think that this doesn't mean we aren't happy for you...we are, we just feel bad for the situation that WE are in...it doesn't have anything to do with you.

I am thankful a hundred times over that DH was able to share how he is feeling and that he validated my feelings. I have a very good friend who is also infertile and sometimes I feed bad for her because her husband sometimes doesn't validate her feelings. She gets a little upset when friends announce their pregnancies (like a normal infertile would,) and she gets sad when others are not sensitive to her situation and feelings, and her husband always tells her that she just needs to "get over it" and "just be happy for the friend." She turns to me for validation of her feelings since she doesn't always get that validation from her husband. I'm glad to get the validation I need from the one who truly matters.

DH also said that he is glad I am finding support from all of you (complete strangers.) It is funny to me that I haven't always gotten the support I need from close friends and family members through this process. I know it's not that they don't care, I just think that most of the time they don't know what to say. Whether that's because they are scared to say the wrong thing, scared to hurt me, or if they just don't understand what is going on enough to support me...but sometimes I feel like they haven't been there for me like I need. However, I have found amazing support through this blog from complete strangers. Sometimes your guys' support makes me cry because I am so thankful for it, and thankful that there are so many out there that actually "get it." I even have an "evil twin" (as we are calling ourselves)  right now who is going through the exact same thing I am....Mrs.Thompson, who also developed a mean case of OHSS, had to have her abdomen drained and her perfect embryos frozen. For me to get others to understand exactly how I am feeling and just what I've been through in the past 3 weeks is nearly impossible, but there is someone out there who is supporting me that I don't have to try and explain that to, she just "gets it"...completely.

On other news, Dr. Bush called yesterday and said I could discontinue the lovenox injections because my blood work was so good that I am "out of the woods" on developing blood clots. I was VERY happy about that because I've been giving myself some type of injection since December, and I need a break. I am looking forward to the next 4 weeks of having my body back before I start the lupron injections again to start preparing for the FET at the end of March.

I want to end this VERY long post with thanking all of you for "jumping on my ship"...a ship that is sometimes sinking...sometimes not, and for reading my blog and offering me much needed support, love and a deep understanding and validation of my feelings. Thank you!

IVF #1 CD 21 "Elvis has left the Building!"

I got out of the house today! I haven't been out of the house in nearly 2 weeks (other then to go to the doctor!) This is the first time I've actually driven myself somewhere in 2 weeks! I had a follow-up appointment at the RE's this morning. Everything looks really good and I am cleared to go back to work! I have A LOT less fluid in my abdomen and chest cavity, my E2 is back down to normal, and my blood counts are also back to normal levels! Yay! Then...I went to the grocery store!!! LOL! Oh....it's the little things, isn't it?! The breathing has improved by leaps and bounds in the past 2 days as well. I am still coughing a bit, but my energy levels are better, no more asthma attacks, and I can actually actually take a deep breath....something I haven't been able to do in over a week! Yahoo!!!

IVF #1 CD 20 "How Many?"

I'm glad that I decided to document each day of my IVF journey on this blog, I also pat myself on the back for titling each post the way I have...with the CD I am on. I noticed a few of you have picked up on the what I was doing and adopted it for your own blog. You must have thought it was a good idea too!

I can't believe how much I have been through in the past 20 days. What a roller coaster the past 20 days have been! Ups Downs All-Arounds....Wow Wow Wow!! Never in a million years did I think at CD 20 I'd be where I am now....50 eggs retrieved 9 days ago, with severe OHSS, 2 weeks at home, with all of my perfect embryos in the freezer. NEVER did I think my IVF cycle would end up this way! It just goes to show that you can't plan your IVF....I had heard that a million times before going into this, but I didn't fully "get it" until I actually went through it.

Going into this, I thought FOR SURE we would be transferring two embryos. I wasn't 100% sure I was okay with twins, however in the back of my mind I was thinking "well, if we are going through all this, we might as well give ourselves every chance to be successful, if we transfer two and one doesn't make it, then we'll still be pregnant." Of course, I thought...but if both make it, then we'll have twins and that is fine too! This was all before I knew what the quality of our embryos were....this changes everything. Reality has officially set in!

I never thought it my dreams that we would have all of these perfect AA embryos. The embryologist informed me that these types of embryos are pretty rare and that any we transfer will "stick" and we WILL get pregnant. Yes, this changes things. Now, I am second guessing myself.....

I know I don't have to decide for another 6 weeks, but I can't stop thinking about it and obsessing. Am I REALLY okay with twins? Can my body handle twins? Can we handle twins with absolutely no family nearby? Am I okay with the possibility of increased complications and the likelihood of early bed rest?  Will my twins be born safe and healthy (which of course is the most important thing in all this....I just want healthy babies!) Could we do this? If we transfer only one....what if the embryologist is wrong and we don't get pregnant? Will I regret only transferring one? Luckily, we have plenty of other embryos if this first try doesn't "take." We paid for the 6-try program and this whole thing only counts as "one try" since we had to freeze all of our embryos. But, we are ready NOW!!!

We can afford twins. I plan to quit my job as soon as I give birth, and it would be fine to leave my job earlier if I need to go out on bed rest. We are blessed that my husband makes plenty of money to support our family and household, we don't need my income.

All of these things makes the decision that much more difficult!

I think these thoughts are going to haunt me for the next 6 weeks. I go back and forth on a minute to minute basis...I'm not kidding here. DH is leaving this up to me since I am the one that has to carry the babies, but he has the same concerns as I do.

Oh, why can't I just have to make NORMAL decisions like everyone else?!?!

IVF #1 CD 19 "Breathing is for the Birds!"

Another day at home with my dog. We are BOTH starting to get a MEAN case of cabin fever! I can't even let him outside to play because of the frigid temps here in Denver. So, we are both stuck at home....laying around....bored. I'm getting to that point where I feel well enough to actually realize how bored I really am. For the past week and a half I was so sick that I didn't have time to think about how bored I was....I was too concentrated on how bad I felt and how my embryos were doing. Now, that I am starting to feel somewhat normal again and I know my embryos are safely in the freezer....I am just plain bored!

I can't head back to work yet because I can still barely breathe (not to mention, my doctor hasn't cleared me to go back yet.) I swear....I feel like I have emphysema here folks. I walk up the stairs and have to stop and have an asthma attack. I feel like one of those old people that have to sit in a recliner all day in a certain position to get a good amount of air flow. It IS getting better, and I was actually able to sleep in a slightly different position last night. I am down to looking about 4 months pregnant....down from the 6 months. So, at least there is some movement with the fluid in my abdomen.

I was able to get a bit of work done this morning. Though...I don't really think it is allowed while you are on FMLA, so I couldn't get much done. At least, I cleaned out my email in-box and sent off some emails. Should be super fun catching up when I get back on Monday!

My cousin (who is in her early 40's) texted me today to tell me that she just found out she is pregnant. She recently got re-married and her and her new husband decided they wanted a child (she has no children already.) They went for fertility testing and found out that her eggs were too aged to use.  So, they went through IVF with donor eggs.  Her first attempt in November was not successful, but her recent FET was successful (she just got her beta results today.) I am VERY happy for them, but it is just a bit bitter sweet. Not because she pregnant....but because I should have been also finding out very soon that I am pregnant too....and I am not...I won't know for another 2+ months. So, it stung a bit even though I am happy for her. I guess it feels a bit unfair that she got her BFP while I am sitting around with OHSS with my embryos in the freezer for 8 more weeks. Woe is me.....

IVF #1 CD 18 "Lighter by the Moment"

Well, I had a bit of a rough night, but things seem to be getting better now. I was up all night with severe stomach cramps...the kind that make you want to scream your lungs out. I was in bed, in the bathroom, back to bed, back to the bathroom ALL night! With no movement....

Finally, at about 5am I got a little bit of movement....thank gawd! I ended up sleeping from about 5:30 to 8:30 this morning, and then woke up at 8:30 with "big D." I think this is the first time I've actually been happy about it! My tummy is definitely not at it's best, but I am hoping to get "things" regulated down there soon! *(+@$%&%%^!!!!!

The fluid in my tummy seems to be "going down" too. I'm not feeling nearly as much as a super sized whale as yesterday! The lungs are still bothering me, still doing a lot of coughing, but that is getting better and better each day too, which has really been the most difficult thing for me. Feeling like I have emphysema is miserable!

I decided not to drive down to the far away clinic for my 10:30 appointment. It is supposed to be like a HIGH of minus 4 today or something crazy like that...the roads are SUPER icy...it just wasn't happening, especially since DH couldn't drive me down.

So, I called the clinic and this is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi this is Krista ******, and I have an appointment this morning that I'm not going to be able to make it down to due to the weather.

Receptionist: Oh Krista! Are you okay? Do you need to talk to a nurse?!

Me: Oh no...I'm fine. I think I should just reschedule, I know Dr.Bush wanted to see me this week.

Receptionist: Hold on

Nurse Jill: Hi Krista, this is Jill...how are you feeling?

Me: Oh hi Jill, I'm doing fine...blah blah blah...fluid, constipation, "big D," getting better, etc. etc etc.

Nurse Jill: Dr. Bush is right here and wants to make sure everything is okay.

Me: Yep, I'm fine.I just can't make it in today to see him.

Nurse Jill: Okay, hold on.

So, at this point she comes back on the phone and reschedules my appointment for Friday once she asks me about 50 other questions about my bodily functions.

The funny part out of all of this is that this is a HUGE clinic! I'm pretty sure every single person that works there (like 75 people) are under strict guidelines to immediately put me through to a nurse if I call. It kinda makes me giggle. The REs have given me their personal cell phone numbers if I need to get in touch with them in the middle of the night. They call every single day (sometimes a few times!) to get updates. I know they are trying to do the right thing and I sure appreciate how much they care, but it is kinda getting a bit funny. I guess this just goes to show how infrequently people get severe OHSS in their clinic. Again...I am THRILLED to be so special (sarcasm.)

Looks like I won't get cleared to go back to work until Friday, so Monday is the earliest I'll be back. I'm hoping to get out of the house a bit before that though. I'm hoping to make it to a meeting on Thursday night. Then, DH and I have tickets to go see A Mid-Summer's Night Dream at the Denver Center for Performing Arts on Saturday night...I'd hate to have to miss that!