IVF #1 CD 17 "Consti"

I couldn't bring myself to put the entire word in my title....but I'm sure you've figured out that consti stands for "constipation." It has hit me....like a ton of bricks. I had heard over and over that right after egg retrieval, constipation is inevitable. So, I was prepared....right before retrieval my DH picked me up some colace....which was recommended from my RE's office. I started taking it the day of retrieval (monday,) and was actually pretty regular for the first 2 days (pat on back.) However, I got a MEAN case of "big D" on Thursday and Thursday night....as you can read from my Friday post...it was horrifying. Well, listen to this...I haven't gone since! OMG! I haven't worried about it too much because I was so freaked out by the "big D" that I was just so glad that I didn't have that again! However, starting last night I realized that I haven't gone since then! I popped another colace last night, hoping it would do the trick. Nope! I got some stomach cramps in the middle of the night, so I decided to pop another one thinking the cramps were because I haven't gone yet. Nothing. I even drank some coffee this morning (which I hate!) Nothing. I drank a glass of Metamucil. Nothing. Finally, I sent DH to the store on his lunch break today (he is working from home due to the weather) to buy me some laxatives. I took 2 at noon today. Nothing.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad if my abdomen wasn't already so swollen from the fluid. I honestly look a few months pregnant! With this 8 extra pounds of fluid I am carrying around....I am SO uncomfortable! I haven't eaten a "real" meal in over a week. I can't eat any carbs because they immediately make me feel EXTRA bloated. Most fruits and veggies are giving me heartburn and nausea. My RE recommended lots of protein to help get the fluid in the right place (my blood stream, not in my 3rd space, where it is not supposed to be!) so I've been eating cottage cheese, hard boiled eggs, protein drinks, turkey and cheese, peanut butter, etc. Could all this protein be giving me consti? I ate a salad this morning and it made me immediately nauseous!

At least I got a decent night sleep last night...I think I slept for 3 solid hours, instead of a half hour at a time and then waking myself up gasping for air....heart racing. It is possible that the fluid is slowly (very slowly) moving from my chest to my abdomen, so at least that is a bit of good news....I am peeing a lot which my RE said is a good thing, it means I am eliminating some of the trapped fluid.

OHSS is such a weird thing. Something that you'd never understand unless you've been there. It is AWFUL and doesn't get better very quickly. I do feel like I am on the other side and that it isn't getting worse, but better?....very very slowly! I went on FMLA at work. I am thankful I've been working at the same department for nearly 5 years, so at least they know I am a good employee and not trying to milk the system or something. I had hoped to go back to work by Wednesday, but I don't know. Just walking up the stairs makes me feel winded...the only way I can explain it is that it feels like someone with emphysema (I'm assuming.) I cough a lot, but nothing happens, I can't catch my breath if I walk around too much, my chest hurts, my back and butt hurts from staying in the same position (the only position where I can get some good air flow to my lungs without gasping!) I am supposed to go back to the clinic tomorrow for more testing and checking, but the weather is SO bad, and the far away clinic (the only one that does this testing) is an hour away, and my DH can't take me because he has to work and has already missed HOURS of work taking me to all the appointments, so I'd have to drive myself. I just don't think it's going to happen. I'll probably have to reschedule for later in the week. I don't think I'll get back to work this week, which makes me sad. 2 week off of work....?....hard to believe OHSS could bring someone down for this long.

Thanks for listening....don't know what I'd do without this outlet....

Anyone hear about the low in Denver tonight. MINUS 20!!! Wow wow wow!

IVF #1 CD 16 "The babes are all frozen!"

Well, I am hoping we've finally turned a corner on my health. I had an appointment at the clinic this morning and they did not see any additional fluid accumulation in my abdomen and chest. The same fluid is there that was there 2 days ago (what they didn't drain off) but nothing additional! Yay! I did put on a few more pounds since my Friday appointment. I usually weigh 104/105 pounds. On Friday, I weighed 108, and today I weighed 112 pounds.  So, I have about 8 pounds of fluid inside my body that shouldn't be there. I thought FOR SURE they were going to drain me, but the doctor said she didn't see any need to drain me again....which I was VERY thankful about!

I must be a rarity at the clinic because on Thursday and Friday 2 out of the 3 docs were in the room deciding what to do with me and then for the actual procedure too (along with 2 nurses and u/s tech.) Then today....only 1 of the doctors was there, but 3 additional nurses filed in after her along with the u/s tech. My poor husband is squished up against the wall in a tiny (hot!) room with 6 women....one of which is naked (good thing that one is his wife!) As they were all filing in I waved my hands in the air and yelled "WELCOME!!" Hahaha! I'm sure this is so out of the ordinary for them. My main nurse (Claudia) told me that this happens maybe once a year! Oh....to be so special!

I am still having a difficult time breathing, but I am hoping that that will continue to improve, and that I'll feel like myself again within a few days. I have to go back on Tuesday for another check, but I think things are going to look better. I have strict orders to drink lots of fluid, eat as much protein as I can, and continue bed rest (with feet up.) I'm getting pretty bored....but my energy level is still so low that I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to! I am SO ready to feel well again!

On embryo news, we found out today that they froze SEVEN perfect embryos! We are VERY happen with that! It's hard to believe that we started with 50 eggs, and ended up with only 7 embryos. But, they are 100% AA PERFECT embryos!! They don't get any better....so I have no idea why we would need more than 7....LOL! We are still trying to figure out how many we'll transfer in 6 weeks. We always thought we'd transfer 2, but now that we know they are "perfect" and that our chance for twins is extremely high....we'll have some discussing to do. We'd be thrilled for twins, but we do worry about their health as well as mine, so we have some discussing and research to do before we ultimately make the decision. And, I'll probably leave it as a surprise....since that is the one and only thing I CAN keep to myself. Everything else is pretty much out there! The weird part is that everything has been decided about our embryos....their sex, their hair color, eye color, who they look like....everything!!! That is so weird to think about!!! We can hardly wait the 8 weeks for them to "come home!"

IVF #1 CD 15 "5 Days After Retrieval"

We got a call this morning that they are freezing FOUR 100% PERFECT embryos today! These four embryos were rated AA "perfect," with all four showing both the fetus and the placenta. The embryologist said that embryos don't get any more perfect than this! He is very impressed and said we WILL get pregnant from these perfect embryos! We are THRILLED!

We also have 16 that they are going to wait one more day on to see if they develop as the other 4 did...there is a chance that these 16 will get to the "perfect" stage as well. We could have a total of 20 perfect embryos to freeze! WOW!!! Not that we need 20....we don't even need 4, but it is still very exciting to know we create such perfect babies!

On other news....the fluid retention in the chest cavity is really bothering me today. I think the abdominal fluid has gone down a bit, but the chest fluid has gotten slightly worse from yesterday. I've heard this peaks about 4-5 days after retrieval (today is day 5) before it starts to get better....so I am hoping that I am on the downside of all of this. I am trying my best to stay hydrated with gatorade. I have very little energy...just walking downstairs takes all of my energy. I just can't breathe! I laid upright in bed today for hours just trying to concentrate on each breath. We are debating whether or not to go to the hospital and have my chest cavity drained. I don't want to do it, but I'm so tired of not being able to breathe! I am SO ready to feel well again!!!

Awards!! The Fun Part of Blogging!!!

I received my very first blogging awards a few days ago, and I am VERY thankful! Thanks to Shawna, The C's and Ants at for these awards!! I started this blog back in 2009 but only recently started having all of these wonderful friends follow my blog and support me. It has been so extremely helpful in getting me through the hard times….to know there are others going through something similar, who support me and am “on my side.” So, thank you to all for following me and supporting me! It means more to me than you know!

Now, I am supposed to give out awards to you all! I decided to give these awards to 15 gals who have been the biggest supporters through my difficult journey over the past few weeks. It seems that every time I’ve logged into my blog there are more and more comments of support, and they have just meant so much to me! So, thank you to each of you…even those I am not mentioning here.

Rules for accepting this award: 

1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award.
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it

7 Interesting things about me:

1. I met my husband on match.com almost 8 years ago after moving back to CA from OR. It was love at first sight and he “fake” proposed on our first date (though I think part of him was completely serious.)

2. I have a sweet Italian Mastiff who I couldn't imagine life without...he is the BEST!

3. My two biggest fears are flying and strong winds that shake the house.

4. I lived in California for 20 years, Oregon for 6 years and Colorado for 6 years. I love all 3 states.

5. I am extremely loyal to my friends....once you're my friend, you're always my friend!

6. I LOVE the month of December! I wait all year for it to be December, I am always sad when it ends.

7. I am a neat freak but try to suppress it the best I can because if I didn't...I'd go crazy (hubby is not so much of a neat freak.)

Now for the blogs that I am nominating for these awards:

1. Red Power Ranger at InfertiliTEE
2. Clewis at Baby on My Mind
3. Cherbear at In A Nutshell
4. Cheers at On The Outside Looking In
5. Nic at Trying For A Baby
6. Rosachka at Creating Our Miracle
7. Lori B. at the Journey to Belgard
8. Annie at Cradles and Graves
9. Amy at Maternal Hope
10. Melissa G at Banking On It
11. Kkasun at The Road Less Traveled
12. Jem at Ambivalent Womb
13. Brice at My Journey Into and about Motherhood
14. Mr.Thompson and Me at Viva la Vida!
15. Kathleen at As Fast as Baby Can

Thanks to all of you! I know it’s hard to keep up with so many blogs, especially when the going gets tough and the news is always BAD! I appreciate your support through the good and the bad…I’m sure there will be a lot more of both before this is all over!!!

If you feel up to it...go give out some awards!!

IVF #1 CD 15 "UGH!"

I'm not sure how much of this to put on my blog...not sure how much is TMI to put up on the internet, but want to let everyone know what is going on, plus this is part of my personal journey. So, here goes!

I woke up in the middle of the night with severe abdominal cramping. I didn't know what to do...never experienced pain like that before. I ended up in the bathroom with horrible "big D." I honestly thought I was going to die because I kept blacking out...I was on the floor, on the toilet, then back on the floor again....for hours.  I almost had my DH call an ambulance.

I managed to get a few hours' sleep before dragging myself out of bed (and running right into the wall because my equilibrium is completely off.) I was so sick while DH drove us down to the clinic...an hour away. We showed up at 6:45 and they immediately starting running tests. The two doctors then drained my abdomen, which was such a horrible experience. I was in so much pain that I kept passing out, and they finally had to stop without getting all of the fluid. However, they did manage to get a quite a bit of it out of my abdomen (about a liter,) so I suppose that is a good thing.

Turns out that I was severely dehydrated (which seems strange, but the fluid in my body is in the WRONG places!). So, I ended up having to stick around and get stabilized with 3 bags of IV fluid, along with nausea and pain meds intravenously. After a few hours, they manged to get my oxygen levels, pulse and blood pressure stable.  Hallelujah!

They ran a blood panel and some other blood testing (kidney, liver, etc.) and they came back "off," but that is to be expected with everything, so they'll continue to monitor my levels. They are going to give me a day to rest and then I'll have to go back on Sunday to get everything re-checked and possibly get drained again (please no!)

I am feeling a bit better today. No more blacking out and passing out, the breathing is a bit better but I am definitely looking forward to the fluid making its way out of my chest, my abdomen feels better too and I was able to eat some actual food today...the first time since Tuesday. Yay! The nausea has come back a bit after the medicine has now made its way out of my system. But, DH is going to head to the store here soon to pick up my nausea script.

I think that is all to report for now. Probably enough for now...hahaha! I'm hanging in there...thanks for all the support and nice comments!

IVF #1 CD 14 "OHSS-Update"

Thanks for all of the support and love...makes me feel like I have so much support behind me.

Unfortunately, we didn't get good news at the clinic today. Two out of the three RE's that work at my clinic were present for my ultrasound today....trying to figure out what is going on. They both decided that it was best to drain my abdomen. So, we are having my abdomen drained at 7am tomorrow morning. This wasn't an easy decision for the RE's because actually I don't have THAT much fluid in my abdomen...but I have a ton in my chest cavity.....scary levels in my chest cavity. The doctor who has been at this for 30+ years has only seen this happen one other time (most of the fluid in the chest,) and it was on a very petite girl...just like me. He said that for some reason all of the fluid accumulates in the chest cavity because there isn't a lot of space in the abdomen. But, by draining what is in my abdomen....the hope is that this will take some of the pressure off of my chest, or at least not make it worse because any fluid in my abdomen won't make its way to my chest.

I am hopeful that the draining will make me feel better. At least help me breathe better and help with the vertigo and dizziness. My oxygen level is very low. I can only stay vertical for a minute at a time. I am miserable and uncomfortable.

On other news, the 32 embryos carry on....I am so thankful that someone else is "babysitting" our 32 babies....lol! The RE that met with me today is the same one that did my retrieval, and he is still astonished by the number of eggs they retrieved. Like I said, he's been at this for 30+ years and 50 eggs is BY FAR his record for most eggs retrieved! So, there is a bit of silver lining in all of this. I have 32 beautiful embryos growing and I am going to get my body nice and healthy for our transfer in 8 weeks. The things I simply have to concentrate on....there is still so much to be thankful for.

IVF #1 CD 14 "OHSS"

The OHSS has continued to get worse. I haven't been able to eat or drink much of anything. The worst part is that I am having a difficult time breathing due to the fluid build-up in my chest cavity. I am also having severe vertigo issues...every time I stand up I get extremely dizzy and have to immediately sit down again. I've even blacked out a few times.

Sorry to have to report such bad news. I am heading to the clinic here shortly to see where the fluid is and decide if I need to be drained. Yet again, I am terrified.

Please keep me in your thoughts over the next few hours....I need it!

IVF #1 CD 13 "The Good and The Bad"

The OHSS started feeling slightly worse yesterday afternoon. I guess it was impossible to avoid it. I started feeling super bloated and uncomfortable from all of the water retention. It feels like when you eat WAY too much and you are super full and uncomfortable, only with this...nothing helps alleviate the bloat! You are just miserable and uncomfortable and have to wait it out. We had a tough night last night with lots of vomiting...booooo!!!! DH was VERY worried and kept reading the OHSS symptoms to see if we needed to go the hospital. He was making me get on the scale to see if I'd put on too much water weight...I haven't! It is just moderate OHSS...so no hospital visits. Just bloated and nauseous this morning. I hope it doesn't last because this is just plain miserable! Please keep me in your prayers that this passes quickly!

I continued the ganirelix injections yesterday and then started the lovenex (blood thinner) injection. I decided to start doing the injections in my thighs since my tummy is so bruised up...I needed a change! The lovenex was fine during the injection, but started stinging a few minutes later...like a bee sting. Oh, how I can't wait to do this every night for the next two weeks! Not! I'm so ready to have my body back and be able to get around like normal, not feel so nauseous, and not be sticking myself with anything!

The embryologist called this morning and out of our 32 eggs that fertilized, ALL 32 have continued to divide normally!!! We are amazed that so many have made it this far...we are in complete shock...never in a million years did we think our response would be this great! This good news is what is helping get me through this difficult stuff....I would go through it all over again!! Grow embryos grow!!!!

Everyone keeps asking me what I did to grow 50 eggs in my tiny 105 pound body! I wish I had some secret potion I could give to you all.....lol! I don't get all this...at all! I feel like such a fertile myrtle....so why if I am THIS fertile am I still not pregnant?! This whole fertility thing makes absolutely no sense to me at all! I wish there was some secret behind all of this...I wish I could tell all you girls what I did to grow 50 eggs in one stinkin cycle! I would have been thrilled with 20, or even 10! What am I going to do with all of these embryos? I just don't have the answers right now....I guess I don't immediately need to, but eventually...I will.

Trying to explain this whole thing to your 54 year old mother is very interesting. I told her that we are going to be freezing all of my embryos and she said "it seems weird that they are going to freeze them, don't they need to stay warm?!" Uhhhhhh.......yeah, okay, let's try this again, Mom. I guess she's already thinking about the safety of her grandchildren....lol!

IVF #1 CD 12 "WOW!"

I just got a call from the embryologist and out of our 50 eggs.....38 of them were mature and 32 of them fertilized!!!! I am on cloud 9!!!

They are going to call again tomorrow to let us know how many of them are continuing to grow and divide. He seems to think that we'll have 15 to 20 to freeze on day 5. I don't know whether to laugh or cry....this is simply amazing!

On other news....I am feeling okay today. I am dealing with very minor OHSS...which is a miracle within itself. Still sore, slightly nauseous and bloated. I've put on about 2-3 pounds of water weight since retrieval, but my clinic says not to worry unless it is over 5 pounds in one day. Unfortunately, I also found out today that on top of my daily ganirelix injection for the next week, I'll have to do a lovenox injection for 2 weeks! I am pretty bummed about this....thought the injections were going to be done soon, or at least slowed down...but two more weeks of them! I am just at too high of a risk for blood clotting issues, OHSS, infection, etc. My RE is taking every precaution, but I am a bit annoyed for more injections!

IVF #1 CD 11 "Retrieval Day: Go BIG or Go HOME! 50 Eggs!!!!"

Well, I am back from my retrieval and recently got up from my nap. I won't keep you all waiting....they got a whopping 50 eggs! Yes, you read that correctly.....anyone ever heard of someone getting 50 eggs in one cycle?!?!? LOL! Probably not! My clinic said their record is 54....so they all thought this was pretty cool!

I too think this is pretty cool....but my ovaries do not....I am sore!!! I am so thankful they are shutting my ovaries down, because I know OHSS would be so bad and I'd be in no place for a transfer in 5 days. My body feels like it's been run over by a truck!

The morning went well. It only took them 2 times to get the IV in..yay! DH gave his sample with no problems, and then after we left the clinic....he bought me a Santiago burrito (my favorite...hahaha!) I guess I was pretty funny when I first woke up from anesthesia and asked at least 5 times "how many?!" I don't remember asking even once!!! I do remember telling the nurse that the peanut butter crackers she gave me were "the best crackers I'd ever eaten!" I am doing good, I just need a few days to recoup and give my body some time to "come down" from all this.

The embryologists are going to call with our fertilization report (this is when they tell us how many are mature, how many fertilized, how many are starting to divide and grow) tomorrow morning. But, they seemed to think we'll have PLENTY of mature ones to work with, so I'm not going to worry about it. All will be frozen for sure....I've already started the meds to shut everything down. My babies will be on ice for 8 weeks!

Your guys' outpouring of love and support has been amazing. Your messages mean so much to me....I am reading them and smiling at all of your sweet comments of support. Now, back to resting before DH catches me on my laptop!

IVF #1 CD 10 "All Embryos to be Frozen"

Well, we went in for another U/S this morning. Unfortunately, we still have at least 50 follicles in there....all between about 13 and 20 millimeters....with about 15 "lead follicles."

Dr. Bush is not comfortable going through with the transfer this cycle. Basically, I WILL get OHSS (there are just too many follicles and my estrogen is just too high.) It is not safe for me or the embryos to transfer them this cycle. If we were to transfer embryos into an OHSS environment, the embryos will make the OHSS worse and my body basically becomes toxic. So, in order to keep me safe, Dr. Bush will immediately start shutting down my ovaries and hormones after retrieval tomorrow morning to keep OHSS at a minimum. If we get some good embryos out of this cycle, they will all be frozen (on Saturday or Sunday after dividing in the lab,) and will be transferred after two cycles (so end of March,) after giving my body some time to level out and normalize.

Of course, I am super bummed about this. I've come so far, and was hoping to be pregnant in 2 weeks....now we have to wait 2 months. I know this is safer for my own health, and I know the embryos have a better chance of implanting and thriving in a healthier environment, but it is still tough.

I'm really nervous about what the next 2 days hold, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

P.S It feels like I am carrying around two large boulders in my abdomen, I can barely get off the couch. Plus I'm nauseous and just plain emotional.

IVF #1 CD 9 "Trigger"

I only have a few minutes to post, but before things get too crazy I wanted to let everyone know that I am triggering TONIGHT!

I went in for another U/S and B/W today, and even though the U/S is looking good....we finally have a few "lead follicles" a few around 18 millimeters, and only about 35 (down from 60,) my B/W doesn't look good....my E2 levels have spiked (to well over 4000.) Dr. Bush in not comfortable going any further with this cycle, for fear that my E2 levels will only go up from here. He feels that my lead follicles with continue maturing just as well with the ovidrel (trigger) injection as they would if I were to continue with stimulation meds.

So, I am doing the ovidrel (trigger) injection tonight and having my retrieval on Monday morning. To say the least....I am completely freaked out. I am going to start taking a special medicine tonight to help with OHSS. With my E2 levels this high, I am at an increased risk, so they are doing everything they can to keep it at bay.

We will go again tomorrow to check on my follicles once again and also those E2 levels. We are hoping that the levels will not have increased, and that my lead follicles have continue to grow and mature, while some of the smaller ones have died off.

I will try and update tomorrow again! Please keep me in your prayers....I'm going to need it!!!

#1 IVF CD # 8 "Frozen Babies?"

Again, I wanted to thank everyone for the awesome support and love I’ve received over the past week or so. Your guys’ comments, emails, messages have meant so much to me, and have been so helpful in getting me through this. I never realized how difficult the IVF journey was going to be (is there any way to really prepare yourself?!) but without all of this support I would feel very alone, so thank you!

The good news is that I actually got a decent night’s sleep last night. I took half of a Tylenol PM before I went to bed, which really helped. I still had to get up about 3-4 times to go to the bathroom because my ovaries are so large and are pressing on my bladder. But, at least I got some sleep.

I had yet another U/S and more B/W this morning. Have not gotten my B/W result back yet. But, the U/S still isn’t good. I am still showing about 60 follicles in there. Way way way too many! They hope for about 10-15……not 60! They are still growing (they are about 13-16 millimeters now) even though I haven’t done a menopur injection since yesterday morning, and haven’t done a follistim injection since Tuesday night.

I met with Dr. Bush today (I am a rare case, this is very unusual to meet with him at this point,) because he is worried about my cycle. He did not think I’d respond this quickly to the stimulation meds. Basically, at this point I have to continue with daily monitoring and see how I do. He is optimistic and does not think my cycle is going to get canceled (as long as we can keep my estrogen levels from growing to dangerous levels,) but he said there is a very good chance that we may not be able to go through with transfer this month. Because my estrogen levels are so high…I am at a very HIGH risk for OHSS. This is not only dangerous to my own health but also causes a toxic environment in the body, and so for my own health and for the health of any embryos…..it would not be safe to place them in my body this month.

It is not guaranteed that we won’t be able to transfer this month….we’ll know more over the weekend, but he is preparing me for it since that is the way things are looking. I am still getting used to the idea of having to wait a month or two to transfer, so I can’t say how I am feeling right now (except obviously, disappointed.) I realize that it would be for the best, but it is still hard. Over the weekend, we’ll be watching out for my estrogen levels, and praying that the new med (ganirelix) starves off the smaller follicles, and lets some of the larger ones continue to mature and hopefully give us some quality eggs.

I am still trying to digest this, and won’t know more until my E2 levels come back, until after we see how things go this weekend, and then once we trigger if I am showing signs of OHSS or not. The best outcome would be that my E2 levels come down, a few of my follicles become “leads” and some of the smaller ones die off, and that after trigger OHSS does not set in. I am staying optimistic that we’ll at least get through stims and retrieval, and getting used to the idea that if we do get some quality embryos that they will be frozen and put in me after my body calms down in a month or so. Looks like we may be looking at a Christmas or New Year baby.

Dr. Bush said that:

#1 I will not be hospitalized because he is putting my health at #1, and


#2 He will get me pregnant this year….maybe not this cycle, but it will happen

Update: I just got a call from the nurse and my estrogen levels stayed the same!!! Woo Hoo! This is great news! She said my follicles are growing but my estrogen is not which is GREAT NEWS! I'll take the ganirelix and half a dose of the menopur tonight (no follistim, and no menopur tomorrow morning,) and then go in for another U/S and B/W tomorrow morning. We are tentatively set for trigger on Sunday night with retrieval on Tuesday!

IVF #1 CD 7 "Craziest day EVER!"

First of all, I want to thank everyone for the nice comments, emails, messages, etc. over the past few days. I know I haven't had the time to respond to them yet....I apologize. Please know that I am getting them and that I appreciate them. Right now, I am just trying to keep my head above water, and the best I can do is update this blog right now. This is helping me not only get the information out to all of you, but is also helping me deal with all of this craziness! Thank you all so much for reading and keeping up with me, but mostly for all the support, messages and comments....I am reading them and appreciate them a lot.

I'm going to tell you about my day but you probably won't believe it.....

So, last night I got NO SLEEP! I went to bed at 8:30 and was awake all night! My husband was trying to calm me down all night....but it just wasn't happening. My brain was moving so fast, my ovaries hurt, I had a headache, I was nausea...I felt horrible. It was snowing so I was paranoid about having to drive into south denver for my 8am appointment. Plus, I had to give a presentation today at a conference which I was paranoid about (I'm an auditor...not a public speaker!)

I got up at 5:30am after laying in bed (miserable) for 9 hours trying to fall asleep. I left the house at 6:30 and got down to the south denver office right at 8am. The U/S went okay....there seemed to be a few less follicles (maybe 45...down from 50,) and they were A LOT bigger! They went from 6-10 millimeters to 8-12 millimeters in one day. I got my B/W done and was off to my conference!

The conference went fine but I was exhausted all day....my heart was racing, my brain was foggy, I felt nauseous...just didn't feel good. I got through the conference and gave my presentation at about 3pm. So glad to have that behind me! I left there at 3:30 and had to stop in downtown denver to pick up our dog from daycare. I couldn't wait to get home! I got home at 4:30 and immediately striped my work clothes off. As I was doing that my cell phone rang....

Oh yeah....I still hadn't heard from my IVF nurse to find out my dosaging instructions. So....she tells me that my E2 levels have DOUBLED since yesterday! All the way up to F'ing 2700! I'm threatening to cancel this cycle....anything above 4000 gets into the dangerous levels. Basically, I have too many follicles, that have grown too quickly, are giving off too many estrogen, and the eggs inside the follicles probably aren't mature yet because of the too fast growth of the follicles. Get this...

She tells me that I have to STOP all stimulation drugs and the lupron and start a different drug called, ganirelix. Ganirelex is supposed to help slow the follicle growth and help with the high levels of estrogen, while giving the eggs time to mature and catch up. THEN, she tells me I have to start the ganirelix tonight and the ONLY pharmacy in Denver that carries it is in F'ing South Denver!!! Ummm.....yeah....I just f'ing got back from there! It's 4:35 and the pharmacy closes at 5:30. I jump in the car (no panties, no bra, no socks,) and drive me and my 50 follicles back down to f'ing south denver! I screeched into their parking lot right at 5:30 as they were pulling the gate down...I ran in!! I'm not kidding here folks!!! I thought I was going to have a break-down in the car! Then.....$500 bucks for 4 vials of this miracle medicine!

I got the damn ganirelix, just gave myself my first injection of it. I go back in tomorrow morning for another U/S and B/W check. I keep saying this....but I hope my E2 levels are down (or at least haven't doubled,) we need prayers!!! My ovaries are ON FUEGO!

Is it time to get off the ride yet?

IVF #1 CD 6 "Update"

Well, I got a call from my nurse late today, and I guess my estrogen levels are really really high. I didn't ask just how high (I was walking to my car in the snow, so couldn't ask a bunch of questions) but high enough that they don't want me to do the follistim injection tonight (to try and slow all of the many follicles down,) and I have to go back tomorrow morning for more B/W and another U/S. I don't know how bad this is, but I know it's not good. If my estrogen gets too high....the cycle WILL get canceled, it would just be too dangerous to proceed with trigger shot, and my egg quality would probably not be good. The faster and higher my estrogen levels go, the lesser quality eggs I have. This is all from the PCOS....I just have too many follicles in there. I am hoping my RE has dealt with this before and that everything will be okay, but I am being very cautious.

I am feeling very achy and tired right now, so I am hoping to go to bed shortly after I do my Lupron injection tonight. I have a conference all day tomorrow (and possibly Friday too) so I'll update as soon as I get near a computer again.

Please send positive thoughts to my ovaries and estrogen levels, and keep me in your prayers over the next few days. We still have a long road in front of us before we are ready for trigger and retrieval. It could really go either way at this point.

IVF #1 CD 6 "The Witch is gone!!!!"

Yes, I am calling my ovarian cyst “the witch!” But, it really doesn’t matter because SHE’S GONE! I had my CD 6 U/S this morning and everything appears to be looking good (as good as major polycystic ovaries can possibly look.) The best thing was that the tech could not find the witch on the left ovary, so she thinks it has dissolved! Yippee!! I could barely sleep last night thinking about that cyst and if it was going to cancel this cycle. It took her a good 20 minutes to count up all of the follicles and measure them. My thighs were shaking like a couple of leaves in the wind! They are still shaking…I just can’t get calm! I had 27 follicles on the right ovary and 22 on the left. All were measuring between 6 and 10 millimeters, which is where they should be at this point. I got my B/W done, and will hear back later today from the nurses on that. Hopefully that is good news too!

I spoke with one of the nurses after my U/S and she said that Dr. Bush may decide to slow down my stims after they see me again on Friday. We definitely do not want all of these 49 follicles to mature…I’d be in a world of hurt! They would like to try and get a good 10 to mature, this will give a better result for quality eggs. We want quality over quantity, but enough that we have a nice amount to work with. I’ll have another U/S and B/W check on Friday, then again on Sunday, then again on Monday. And THEN….possible trigger on Monday night for retrieval on WEDNESDAY! I can’t believe how fast this is all happening! It’s so surreal! That is tentative and could easily change between now and then, but she said based on what my ovaries look like now that is probably the best estimate. My head is spinning!

On other news, we paid the flat fee today. That is also freaking me out. It was $26k. Whoosh....out of our account of hard earned money. I’m trying not to think about it too much….but it’s there, you just can’t help it. I know it will be worth it in the end, but it’s definitely a tough pill to swallow.

I knew going into this that this would be the biggest and fastest rollercoaster of my life, but I had no idea…… This process is all-consuming. In my dreams I had hoped once we started IVF that everything would go smoothly…no cysts, injections would be easy with not a ton of horrible side-effects, a nice amount of mature follicles to work with, great hormone counts, an easy retrieval, that the eggs would fertilize and become nice blastocysts on day 5, and that we’d transfer two perfect blasts. This process is not like that at all… you go from your lowest low to your highest high within the span of an hour, you cry (for joy or sadness) at the drop of a hat…anything can cause it, you pray, you hope, you wait, you pray some more and then wait again, nothing else matters….it is too intense for anything else….physically, mentally and emotionally….I am spent!

We still have a ways to go, but at least I feel like we are on the right track. Will update again after appointment on Friday!

IVF #1 CD 5 "Nauseous, Tired, Cranky, Headachy and Not Even Pregnant"

As I keep saying....IVF is not for the weak or faint of heart. The metformin is continually making me slightly nauseous throughout the day....even though I am still only taking one dose (I tried again to take a dose and a half and think that is why I got sick on Saturday, so now I am down to one dose again…I just can’t win with this stuff!) The lupron is still giving me hot flashes, a constant headache and low energy. The hormones are already making me tired and low energy. I'm always exhausted, but for some reason I can't sleep (too much on my mind, I just toss and turn all night.) Plus, I can smell EVERYTHING! Is this a side-effect of the meds? I keep asking my poor husband if he brushed his teeth because I just keep smelling his breath! I keep asking him if he ate onions and peppers all day long! It also smells like stinky feet in my office today, but my co-workers don’t smell a darn thing! I am going crazy!

On top of all of that I am not allowed to exercise like I usually do. My doctor gave me strict restrictions on exercise, basically I can only do short walks. This is because once you start the stimulation meds, your ovaries start swelling up and that can cause your ovaries to tip over....an emergency that would need immediate surgery. So, basically nothing except for walking.

Even if I could exercise it's the last thing I want to do since I am nauseous, have a headache, hot flashes, low energy, and every smell is making me gag! I am like a lump on a log!

Yay Me!

IVF #1 CD 4 "Menopur Hell"

I am on day 2 of stims and I've already decided that I hate the Menopur injections. First of all.....trying to get the menopur appropriately mixed takes like a brain surgeon's talent. Trying to get the right amount of sodium chloride into the plunger when the plunger pulls itself down is like a work-out within itself. Then, mixing it with the two vials of menopur without spilling anything, on top of making sure you get it all into the plunger is like herding kittens. Then if you get to that point (half hour later,) you plunge it into your belly and "YOUCH!" that bitch stings!!! This is going to be a long 10 days.....

Other then that I am doing okay. I got sick on Saturday night with nausea and diarrhea which lasted most of the day yesterday. I know it wasn't caused by the injections because it started before the injections. So, it is probably still my best friend, the metformin. Or it could be from the prescription strength prenatal, the folgard or the dexamethasone (or maybe the chili I made and ate on Saturday night....hmmmm??) Either way, I am feeling better today and feel like if I eat something it's not going to come back out the other end right away.

Still feeling headachy. It like a small, constant, nagging one that doesn't do much but annoy me. I haven't taken anything for it, but might need to when I go back to work tomorrow.

Looking forward to my CD6 US on Wednesday to see how the follies are doing and if my nasty cyst has shrunk any. I am praying praying praying that Wednesday brings us good news!!!!

IVF #1 CD 2 "Baseline"

Well, it's been a bit of an emotional morning, but I think all is okay now. I got up early (on a Saturday, mind you) and drove down to the far away south office (closer north office is not open on weekends,) and had our baseline ultrasound and blood work check. While the tech was performing my ultrasound, she said my right ovary looked okay (just millions of antral follicles...so many she couldn't even count them!,) but my left ovary not only also had millions of antral follicles, but also had a VERY large cyst! I didn't ask how big because I was too much in shock when I saw that huge thing on the screen, but it was the largest one I've ever seen...and I've seen a lot of doozies on that ultrasound screen!

At that point she didn't say much except that a nurse would be in shortly to talk to me. After about 10 mins, the nurse came in and told me that she had spoken to the doctor (not mine, but the one there today) and basically said that things didn't look good for this cycle because the cyst was so large, but that they would call me later today to let me know for sure, after they got the results of my blood work. I was still in shock and barely made it out of the room. I still had to go to the lab and get my blood checked too...luckily that went off without any issues.

It was a tough drive home....which I don't remember much about. I just sat there, driving, didn't turn the radio on or anything. I did call DH to tell him the bad news. Once I got home, I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself, my DH was trying to cheer me up, but I was doom and gloom! About an hour later the nurse called with the best news EVER! My E2 level was only a 22! This means that the cyst is not producing any E2, therefore not active, which means we can still go through with this cycle! I was completely shocked! After seeing the size of that cyst on the screen, I thought for sure there was no way that was not an active cyst! But, I really lucked out on this one!

So, tomorrow morning we'll start our first shot. I'll do the menopur injections in the morning, the follistim injections in the evening (and will continue the lupron injection.) Our next ultrasound and blood check will be this Wednesday, the 19th. Please start praying that my follicles start growing! On Wednesday they'll be checking my initial response to the meds....we need follicles, and also to see that nasty cyst shrink! Please please please!!!

IVF #1 CD 1 "Finally!"

Well, the day has FINALLY arrived! This is the first time in well over 2 years that I was HAPPY (elated actually!!!) for the arrival of AF. Sorry about my last few rant posts....I am just so annoyed by all of the waiting. When you get up to CD38 of your cycle.....you can understand why I'd be so frustrated. I'm SICK of waiting to start this cycle! I started spotting yesterday afternoon (CD 37,) and finally got a "flow" today. I canceled the ultrasound and blood testing since they were no longer needed.

I want to say that I never thought this day would arrive, but I knew it would..... eventually….it just took a very very long time! I called my nurse this morning to get my CD2 appointments set up for tomorrow. So, I’ll go in for my baseline U/S and B/W tomorrow. If everything looks “favorable” (as they call it) I will start my stimulation injections (menopur and follistim) on Sunday. So, I'll be doing a total of 3 injections (including the continuation of the lupron.) I am ecstatic to FINALLY be at this point!!

It’s difficult to say how I am feeling right now. I am excited and hopeful about the prospect of having a baby in my arms by the end of the year. But, terrified that this may not work. I find a little peace in knowing that we have 3 “fresh” tries and 3 “frozen” tries. So, even if it takes a cycle (or 2) to figure out how my body responds to the meds, that is fine…..we can tweak that and then hopefully get a better response with the next fresh cycle.

Even if we do conceive on our first try, I will still know that I made the right decision with going with the shared risk/6 try program. DH and I both know it is possible to conceive on the first try and then we would have lost a lot of $, but at this point that really doesn’t matter...we just want this to be over. If we conceive right away, I think we’ll just be so happy that it actually worked that we won’t care how much it cost us to get here. We’ve just heard of too many people taking more than one cycle for IVF to work, that we are comfortable in the decision we made to go with the one flat fee.

More than anything, I just feel blessed that we actually have the $ to spend on IVF. I feel terrible for the couples who haven’t been able to conceive on their own, but do not have the $ to pay for IVF. DH and I try to count our blessings each day, at least God blessed us with good jobs, stable incomes and $ in our savings account. I do try to remember that each and every day….the blessings.

I believe in my heart that everything in life happens for a reason, and even though I may not see that reason now…there is always one. Perhaps when we started trying 2+ years ago I wasn’t ready to be a mommy, perhaps there was more God wanted me to see and do and understand before I became a mommy, perhaps he wanted me to fight for what I wanted so that I could appreciate it even that much more, perhaps I needed to let go of some of my selfish ways, perhaps he wanted DH and I to grow even closer together through this process to become an even stronger unit to become the best parents possible, perhaps I still had growth to do and things to realize over the past 2+ years. I believe each and every one of these things to be true, even if it has been the most difficult, heartbreaking journey over the past 2+ years. I’ve learned that I am stronger than I ever believed and that I can get through even the most difficult things. I’ve also learned that DH and I can get through the toughest times and that neither one of us are going anywhere.....

Now, I'm off to get my much needed massage!